Author Topic: First Times  (Read 3146 times)

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Offline ToniToday

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First Times
« on: January 25, 2020, 06:17:14 pm »
Hello,

I've only recently begun transitioning having come out to one of my best friends just after Christmas (and then my aunt and brother - it sort of just spilled out).  It's been a pretty rough time, but I have had some precious moments already.  I'm posting this as a celebration, if you will, and hope others might chime in from their own experiences.

So my extensive  ;D lists goes:
  • shaved my thighs, Jan 11
  • measured myself for clothing and ordered items, Jan 15
  • wore a bra and panties, Jan 15
  • semi-dressed (sweater, booties, and jeans) in public, Jan, 22 - I'm actually quite chuffed here as I taught all my classes and had an impromptu meeting with the principal
  • shaved my entire left leg, Jan 23
  • shaved my entire right leg, Jan 24
  • had my first pedicure with blue polish (yay!), Jan 25 - my daughter chose the color...

However, I have to add my first two bad experiences....  Dec 22-Dec 27 - my old life crashed and I accepted what I had put off for four decades (which is more of a yay/OMG moment); and, Jan 21 - had to call a help line...

Things I'm looking forward to:
  • first group therapy session, Feb 4
  • first individual therapy session with gender counselor, Feb 12

So, how about you all?  Anything you'd like to celebrate?


I remember the immortal words of Socrates who said, "I drank what?"
- Chris Knight, Real Genius (1985)

Offline Sophiaprincess2019

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Re: First Times
« Reply #1 on: January 25, 2020, 06:36:14 pm »
Toni, WELCOME to Susan's Place! Seems like you are off to a good start if you do ,in fact, decide to transition. There are quite a few of us here who waited 4 or 5 decades (5 in my case) to begin our journeys. I celebrate life daily. I never take one day for granted and I celebrate I'm FINALLY living life as the true me. It sounds like you recently made a similar discovery.

I'm also relatively new, just celebrated 11 months on HRT! I've been living full time since late last summer and I've never been happier in my entire life. It's been mostly good. Like you I've had my moments. I've definitely had more positive things happen to me during my transition than bad. Lately I've been trying to balance the good with the bad...or...have more good than bad.

Next stop for me is one year on HRT. I'm more than excited! I hope you find the fountain of youth as I did. Transition took off at least 20 years and I feel like I'm 30 again! Speaking of 30 again, in 10 short years I WILL be 30 again (for the second time!) I thank God everyday that HRT has worked it's magic on me!

Wishing you all the success in the world my dear friend!

All the best,

Sophia
1968 Assigned male at birth with feminine mannerisms
1978 Dolls and dresses
1988 Experimental stage, limited makeup and clothes
1998 Denial continues, unsuccessfully tried living as a man
12-8-2018 Knew I was a woman, time for a change....
2-22-2019 Started HRT
8-9-2019 Legal Name Change
8-14-2019 New Drivers License issued with correct gender
9-5-2019 Social Security card updated
10-12-2019 Birth certificate updated
2-22-2020 One year HRT

Offline Alice Skye

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Re: First Times
« Reply #2 on: January 25, 2020, 07:08:06 pm »
TW suicide

First realised I was the wrong gender when I was 2-years-old
First time to wear makeup when I was 5-years-old
First time to wear heels when I was 10-year-old
First time to wear women's clothing when I was 15-years-old
First attempt at suicide 15-year-old
First time to tell anyone I was trans 24-years-old
First time to try and come out of the closet and seek help 24-years-old (bad experience)
First time someone directly called me out as trans August 2003
First time to tell someone in person that I had gender dysphoria August 2004 (my now wife)
First time to reach out for help online August 2018
First bad coming out experience was coming out to an old friend who basically ran off leaving me crying and shaking in the middle of town 14th September 2018
Told GP September 2018.
Went to my first transgender support group meeting 16th October 2018
First time to start self-medicating DHT blocker November 2018
First time to go out in public wearing women's clothes (albeit gender neutral looking) November 2018
Used the name Alice for the first time December 2018
First time to start wearing exclusively women's underwear 12th December 2019
First time to self medicate estrogen 17th March 2019
First Pride March 26th May 2019
First time to buy make up and women's clothing in the shops (as opposed to online) 6th July 2019
First time to go out in public in a dress and make up 3rd September 2019
First time to get my legs waxed 17th October 2019
First time to go to a pub in a dress 19th October 2019
First time to spend a full day in public as Alice 13th December 2019
First time to cross town in a dress 17th December 2019
First family member (not incl. wife) to come out to (sister) 6th January 2020
First time to have any beauty therapy - eyelashes curled and tinted 21st January 2020
First time to meet my Dad after he found out I am trans 22nd January 2020 (he avoided the issue)
First time to attend the funeral of a trans person who committed suicide 23rd January 2020 RIP

First job interview as Alice will be 6th February 2020 (unless something comes up before then)
"Start by holding your head high... You're only a mouse if you let them make you one" Christina Henry from 'Alice'

Offline ToniToday

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Re: First Times
« Reply #3 on: January 25, 2020, 10:37:18 pm »
I'm so sorry for writing this post....  I didn't mean you or anyone harm.  I'm not a therapist or guide or anything.

My dad's best friend committed suicide after a string of tragedies, the final one being the death of his 13 year old daughter.   He left a grieving wife, confused friends and family   and a huge hole in everyone's heart who knew him.  That sounds like I'm blaming or belittling him.  I'm not.  We all knew how hurt he was...  we just couldn't get to him in time.

Tuesday I found out how easy it is to come to that point.  It was suprisingly easy....  Someone was with me...  Two someone's, actually.   And, I'm going to thank them daily until they shake me unconscious for being so persistent...

I guess I've been a bit flippant because I'm happy to be alive.  I'm sorry for your loss.  The hole stays a hole.  Hopefully, it's only one or a small few in the tapestry.   I don't know how to say more...  just holes must be honored,  mourned, and respected.   But, there is still the tapestry.

My condolences and sincere apology for causing harm.


I remember the immortal words of Socrates who said, "I drank what?"
- Chris Knight, Real Genius (1985)

Offline Alice Skye

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Re: First Times
« Reply #4 on: January 26, 2020, 12:42:46 pm »
no need to apologise. It is just very fresh in my mind that's all. I hope it is the last such funeral I ever have to attend because it was literally heart wrenching... and I wished that everyone could've attended and heard the eulogy from their 7-year-old daughter because hearing that made me instantly swear that I would never ever try to take my own life again. The devastation, heartbreak, and shear just being lost broke my heart into a million pieces. The funeral was attended by 200 people mostly men... and not one person had a dry eye. If you ever feel that way then reach out for help... pm me and I will talk all night with you if I have to and do my utmost best to find you additional help. No matter how scary life is and no matter how pointless you think it might be... know that there is a path through the darkness and I will hold your hand every step of the way if I have to. I never ever want to hear that amount of pain from a child again.
"Start by holding your head high... You're only a mouse if you let them make you one" Christina Henry from 'Alice'

Offline ToniToday

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Re: First Times
« Reply #5 on: February 14, 2020, 12:40:40 am »
I made a promise not to hurt myself again and I couldn't keep it.  I couldn't keep it a week.  I don't know why it was all so overwhelming, but I couldn't face another day.  Everything felt so wrong and hopeless I just collapsed in a corner.

It has now been 16 days since I went in the hospital.  My wife separated from me in the behavior health ward.  I've only seen my kids twice in this time (and once was only while my wife allowed me home to pick up some clothes).  And, I can't sleep. 

However, my meds seem to be working.  The kids are happy to see and hear from me.  I've got a place to live.  And, I've met with one of my two therapists for this journey.

I've met so many LQBTQIA folks during this odyssey.  So many people helping others.  It's been the best side of humanity during my worst personal moment.

I don't know what happens next.  I have four close friends and my mom to come out to yet.  Plus the whole workplace.  But, I can hold my head up better.  I feel more confident.  I'm being my best.


I remember the immortal words of Socrates who said, "I drank what?"
- Chris Knight, Real Genius (1985)

Online Maddie

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Re: First Times
« Reply #6 on: February 14, 2020, 08:11:25 am »
Hi Toni.
Glad you're still around. And that you are able to express any positives through your pain.
You are sharing glimpses of beauty in the middle of a devastating storm in your life. Thank you.

With so much to do, stay alive, and centered enough to take on what you need.
A little at a time.  Slow road forward.  Refuse to let it push you too fast and overwhelm you again.
It can and will get better, though maybe not as wished or expected.
Please post back whenever you can.
Hugs

Offline AllieSF

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Re: First Times
« Reply #7 on: February 14, 2020, 03:45:14 pm »
Maddie said what I was thinking much better than I could.  Just always remember that there really is someone around when you need them, online, doctor's offices, neighbors, friends, and those most important helplines.  List them all out on a piece of paper with contact information and remember where it is, with another copy someplace else.  We are here for you,

Allie
HRT - February 2017
Full Time - July 2018
Orchi - January 2018
BA - September 25, 2019
FFS - January 10, 2020
GRS - TBDDD (To Be Determined, Decision and Date)

Offline ToniToday

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Re: First Times
« Reply #8 on: February 15, 2020, 07:44:54 pm »
Thank you all for your support.

Yesterday, I asked my residential clinician if I could go shopping as most of my clothes were unavailable.  Incredibly, she said yes and took me to a local outlet mall.  I went in what few femme fashions I had (top and shoes) but was very anxious as I'd never been out in public during the day, only at night going to my support group.  She understood my apprehension and tried to convince me no one would care, they might not even notice as I'm in the Bay Area.

Sure enough, it was the most pleasant experience I've had in a long time.  At first I stood side by side with her.  But soon, I felt comfortable enough to linger and browse on my own.  I went to the Gap, found a gorgeous gathered neck tunic on sale, and was super happy to note all the dressing rooms were non-gendered.

I found another item, a beautiful abstract mishmash of colors skirt at Nordstorm's Rack, and again non-gendered dressing rooms.  Oh, what joy!

Today, my best friend brought me a long-awaited package of underwear I'd ordered online before my hospitalization.  Most items fit excellently and no item will I need to return.  I feel incredibly fortunate for the support of my friends and the staff at my step-down program.

Helping make dinner last night I realized how comfortable I felt for the first time in ages.  I felt great wearing my new clothes.  I had beautiful friends who believed in my journey.  I knew I was on the right path.  I don't know why I waited so long to acknowledge what was pretty obvious.  Woulda-shoulda-coulda...

I have my first meeting with my gender counselor in 11 days.


I remember the immortal words of Socrates who said, "I drank what?"
- Chris Knight, Real Genius (1985)

Offline ToniToday

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Re: First Times - First Photo
« Reply #9 on: February 16, 2020, 11:48:46 am »

This is the first photo I've ever felt comfortable posting  anywhere.


I remember the immortal words of Socrates who said, "I drank what?"
- Chris Knight, Real Genius (1985)

Online Maddie

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Re: First Times
« Reply #10 on: February 17, 2020, 07:55:31 am »
Glad you feeling comfortable. Toni

I can see her showing through.

Offline ToniToday

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Re: First Times
« Reply #11 on: February 27, 2020, 11:42:03 am »
I've gone two weeks en femme save for when I'm at home.  I've only been harrassed once and it a pathetic attempt at that.  I've come out to two work friends and it went ok...  Everything seems to be right.  No epiphany...  More like a working watch once a broken gear was replaced.

I'm worried though.  It took six weeks to get my appointment with the gender therapist and only 6 days to see the endocrinologist for HRT.  Am I ready?  Am I going too fast?


I remember the immortal words of Socrates who said, "I drank what?"
- Chris Knight, Real Genius (1985)

Offline michjenn

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Re: First Times
« Reply #12 on: February 27, 2020, 11:55:52 am »
This past weekend was the first time I was with a guy as Jennifer. It was a very nice and comfortable experience.

Offline Pammie

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Re: First Times
« Reply #13 on: February 27, 2020, 01:30:52 pm »
Thank you all for your support.

Yesterday, I asked my residential clinician if I could go shopping as most of my clothes were unavailable.  Incredibly, she said yes and took me to a local outlet mall.  I went in what few femme fashions I had (top and shoes) but was very anxious as I'd never been out in public during the day, only at night going to my support group.  She understood my apprehension and tried to convince me no one would care, they might not even notice as I'm in the Bay Area.

Sure enough, it was the most pleasant experience I've had in a long time.  At first I stood side by side with her.  But soon, I felt comfortable enough to linger and browse on my own.  I went to the Gap, found a gorgeous gathered neck tunic on sale, and was super happy to note all the dressing rooms were non-gendered.

I found another item, a beautiful abstract mishmash of colors skirt at Nordstorm's Rack, and again non-gendered dressing rooms.  Oh, what joy!

Today, my best friend brought me a long-awaited package of underwear I'd ordered online before my hospitalization.  Most items fit excellently and no item will I need to return.  I feel incredibly fortunate for the support of my friends and the staff at my step-down program.

Helping make dinner last night I realized how comfortable I felt for the first time in ages.  I felt great wearing my new clothes.  I had beautiful friends who believed in my journey.  I knew I was on the right path.  I don't know why I waited so long to acknowledge what was pretty obvious.  Woulda-shoulda-coulda...

I have my first meeting with my gender counselor in 11 days.
Congratulations! That all sounds so affirming! Go you! X


I opened the door and the light shone in

Offline Pammie

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Re: First Times
« Reply #14 on: February 27, 2020, 01:38:56 pm »
This past weekend was the first time I was with a guy as Jennifer. It was a very nice and comfortable experience.
If you don’t mind me asking what was the context? A date? X


I opened the door and the light shone in

Offline michjenn

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Re: First Times
« Reply #15 on: February 28, 2020, 05:33:57 am »
Hi Pammie, yes it was a date. It was planned and the sex part just kinda happened, not complaining

Online Maddie

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Re: First Times
« Reply #16 on: February 28, 2020, 08:47:43 am »
This past weekend was the first time I was with a guy as Jennifer. It was a very nice and comfortable experience.
:) Sounds happy

Offline Pammie

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Re: First Times
« Reply #17 on: February 28, 2020, 09:31:22 am »
Hi Pammie, yes it was a date. It was planned and the sex part just kinda happened, not complaining
Good for you! I’m sure ur not complaining!
Naughty girl! X


I opened the door and the light shone in

Offline ToniToday

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Re: First Times
« Reply #18 on: March 03, 2020, 03:23:03 pm »
Ok, so I saw my endocrinologist today and started HRT.  I'm a little nervous as I still have to come out to my family, specifically to my kids.  Not sure what to expect...  hopefully, they will be supportive and have lots of questions :)


I remember the immortal words of Socrates who said, "I drank what?"
- Chris Knight, Real Genius (1985)

Offline Aoi_Nomel

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Re: First Times
« Reply #19 on: March 04, 2020, 08:36:27 pm »
Nice to meet you!

I'm Aoi, in my first year of transitioning. I haven't kept dates of my "Firsts", but I can say my first time being public was last week. I found a job were I'm not judged, so very happy about that  :D. I lucked out, where I'm at the doctors don't need a note from a therapist to start HRT, so I hope to be starting soon.

Tags: hrt