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Offline ToniToday

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Re: First Times
« Reply #40 on: April 18, 2020, 02:20:22 pm »
I think more about those I live with, that are close to me.   Last night i tossed and turned or this.  I'm divided between wanting it all now and not wanting to put pressure on those in my life.

I know I can't stop now....  I feel too right to stop.  I just can't reconcile that part of my brain with the other part not wanting to hurt people more.

-Toni
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I remember the immortal words of Socrates who said, "I drank what?"
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Offline madeleine

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Re: First Times
« Reply #41 on: April 18, 2020, 02:36:12 pm »
It's really hard with kids and spouses.
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Offline Maddie

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Re: First Times
« Reply #42 on: April 20, 2020, 08:08:03 am »
Clarity shine through your clouds Toni.
May you never exclude yourself from your consideration.
May you find yours reciprocated.
The awareness you have of your situation right now is precious. 
Please do not jettison it as long as there is any way to continue moving on your path.
Sorry to read how others are responding right now.
Things can change many ways, not all of them negative.
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Offline ToniToday

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Re: First Times
« Reply #43 on: April 21, 2020, 07:58:18 pm »
well, two firsts today...  I bought my first swimsuit and skirt.  Nothing like retail therapy...  Actually, I feel pretty confident in this skirt.  I don't know why....

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I remember the immortal words of Socrates who said, "I drank what?"
- Chris Knight, Real Genius (1985)

Offline AllieSF

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Re: First Times
« Reply #44 on: April 21, 2020, 09:12:43 pm »
Looking good! Thanks for sharing.

Allie
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Offline ToniToday

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Re: First Times
« Reply #45 on: April 27, 2020, 08:56:15 pm »
So, I finally told my mom...  And...  It went well! :)  I first had to explain that being transgender wasn't related to sexual orientation (she still seemed confused, so I offered Kate Bornstein's Gender Outlaws and My New Gender Workbook as must reads).

She wanted to know why I didn't come to her first, which was very hard for me to explain as I'm not 100% sure why I didn't.  I wanted to do it in person, but COVID19 has prevented that.  But, that's not all of it....  I wanted to get it right, I guess.  Make sure I didn't hurt her.  Anyways, it went well and she gave me her love and support.

I feel very blessed.  Coming out to my brother and my mother were the talks I feared the most.  Not everyone is as lucky as I have been with the support from their family.  For that I am truly saddened and hope you find support here and amongst friends.

Thank you all on Susan's Place (and my support group at the San Mateo Pride Center!) for your continued honesty and empathy.

-Tessa Antonia (I've settled on a name :))
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I remember the immortal words of Socrates who said, "I drank what?"
- Chris Knight, Real Genius (1985)

Offline JanePlain

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Re: First Times
« Reply #46 on: May 04, 2020, 03:20:32 pm »
Quote from: ToniToday on April 21, 2020, 07:58:18 pm
well, two firsts today...  I bought my first swimsuit and skirt.  Nothing like retail therapy...  Actually, I feel pretty confident in this skirt.  I don't know why....



You should.  It looks nice on you!
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"This world is but canvas to our imaginations." 
Henry David Thoreau - (1817-1862)

Offline Maddie

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Re: First Times
« Reply #47 on: May 14, 2020, 09:24:51 am »
I like your choice of name Tessa Antonia :) ;)
Hope things continue to go well with your mom.
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Offline graspthesanity

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Re: First Times
« Reply #48 on: May 15, 2020, 10:10:23 am »
I read through your journey so far and I wish you all the best!

Lovely lovely photos and name:)
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Offline ToniToday

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Re: First Times
« Reply #49 on: May 24, 2020, 12:22:12 am »
It's been awhile since I've posted....  I'm finding it hard to write but I haven't physically seen my kids in two weeks.  My wife broke shelter in place and took the kids to a colleague's home on Mother's Day.  She didn't say she was spending the night until just before she left.  And, on Monday, I found out why....  She filed for immediate custody of the kids and an order to expel me from our home because I "inappropriately" started transitioning.

Um...  I still don't know what to say or how to react to that.

Fortunately, I was able to legally respond to her claim and it is now with the courts to decide.  It's still been two weeks, though.  My daughter says they are coming back tomorrow.  I pray that is true.
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I remember the immortal words of Socrates who said, "I drank what?"
- Chris Knight, Real Genius (1985)

Offline ToniToday

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Re: First Times
« Reply #50 on: May 26, 2020, 11:21:31 pm »
They're BACK!!!!

My wife unexpectedly returned home on Saturday with the kids.  I found out why today.  The court denied her petition.  Being transgender wasn't a valid reason to take my kids away!  YAY, San Francisco Bay Area Courts!
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I remember the immortal words of Socrates who said, "I drank what?"
- Chris Knight, Real Genius (1985)

Offline Ellie_Arroway

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Re: First Times
« Reply #51 on: May 27, 2020, 04:46:55 am »
Quote from: ToniToday on May 26, 2020, 11:21:31 pm
They're BACK!!!!

My wife unexpectedly returned home on Saturday with the kids.  I found out why today.  The court denied her petition.  Being transgender wasn't a valid reason to take my kids away!  YAY, San Francisco Bay Area Courts!

That's great news! And the court is right.

I hope your relationship with your wife improves. - E
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Started seriously questioning: 24 Aug 2019
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Full-time female presentation since: 21 Oct 2019, unbroken since 12 Dec 2019
Official name change by deed poll: 11 Nov 2019
HRT: "kind of" started 15 Jul 2020
Most of my story is in the Just another mtf tale thread!
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Offline JanePlain

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Re: First Times
« Reply #52 on: May 28, 2020, 07:35:13 pm »
Quote from: ToniToday on May 26, 2020, 11:21:31 pm
They're BACK!!!!

My wife unexpectedly returned home on Saturday with the kids.  I found out why today.  The court denied her petition.  Being transgender wasn't a valid reason to take my kids away!  YAY, San Francisco Bay Area Courts!

Yikes... My heart broke hearing about your wife and kids and court.....  Anyway SANITY from the Courts?!?  That has to be a relief.  Its maybe wishful thinking (I do that a lot) but is it possible your wife's problem is a serious lack of information about trans people?  Knowing its not considered a mental illness (Even it dealing with it can make us crazy!) that its medical and not some fetish.  That it doesn't mean your gay (unless you are which is ok) and its not because of anything she did? I don't know how you feel about her after this but maybe knowing more and knowing its not you rejecting her or whatever else she fears would make this better?  Is there any chance she would talk about it with you or even just study the trans condition (Or join the forum and ask questions? I know there are other wives of mtf folks here)

I want to add that you look so happy in your pix.  If there is any doubt your on the right track I would certainly consider that. Anyway I wish I could send some positive vibes or help in some way. 

Anyway Keep on keeping it on... or how does that go!  People tell me Keep keeping it weird but... thats just me.
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"This world is but canvas to our imaginations." 
Henry David Thoreau - (1817-1862)

Offline Rachel

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Re: First Times
« Reply #53 on: May 30, 2020, 04:57:05 pm »
Hi,

I am glad to read your children are back. I am wondering how you and your wife are getting along? Do you feel as though your marriage is going to survive?

Best,
Rachel
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HRT  5-28-2013
FT   11-13-2015
FFS   9-16-2016 -Spiegel
GCS 11-15-2016 - McGinn
Hair Grafts 3-20-2017 - Cooley
Voice therapy start 3-2017 - Reene Blaker
Labiaplasty 5-15-2017 - McGinn
BA 7-12-2017 - McGinn
Hair grafts 9-25-2017 Dr.Cooley
Sataloff Cricothyroid subluxation and trachea shave12-11-2017
Dr. McGinn labiaplasty, hood repair, scar removal, graph repair and bottom of  vagina finished. urethra repositioned. 4-4-2018
Dr. Sataloff Glottoplasty 5-14-2018
Dr. McGinn vaginal in office procedure 10-22-2018
Dr. McGinn vaginal revision 2 4-3-2019 Bottom of vagina closed off, fat injected into the labia and urethra repositioned.
Dr. Thomas FemLar 10/13/2020

Offline ToniToday

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Re: First Times
« Reply #54 on: May 30, 2020, 06:15:23 pm »
Hi, Rachel,

I'm afraid not.  She filed for divorce the same day she left with kids and hasn't looked back.  If anything   losing the petition has made her more vocal and callous.

The kids keep telling me my transitioning hasn't be an issue but the divorce is....

I often feel like a failure.  Only the happiness I feel waking up with the freedom of being me finally and having my kids stay by me makes me functional.

-Tessa
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I remember the immortal words of Socrates who said, "I drank what?"
- Chris Knight, Real Genius (1985)

Offline JanePlain

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Re: First Times
« Reply #55 on: June 01, 2020, 02:00:25 am »
Divorce sucks.  I was lucky having some friends that kept me from getting too low.  And I have a sense of humor so when I called the suicide hotline and got a recorded message it seemed pretty funny.  Sort of like calling 911 and having someone answer and tell you "aahhh no.  This is 912.  I think I saw that on the Simpsons.  Anyway "if" there is anything you can do to make you laugh I found that to be a huge help. Give the kids a hug (And yourself too!)
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"This world is but canvas to our imaginations." 
Henry David Thoreau - (1817-1862)

Offline Maddie

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Re: First Times
« Reply #56 on: June 02, 2020, 02:03:04 pm »
Glad for you that you have your kids Toni.
Sad for her.  Even though she left, and filed...
Changes are going to keep coming at you and your family.
Please continue to wake up and function.
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Offline ToniToday

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Re: First Times
« Reply #57 on: June 02, 2020, 03:44:55 pm »
Thank you, Maddie...

I just had a positive conversation with my wife regarding visitation and housing.  While she still wants to pursue the divorce, at least we have some common ground for the kids and keeping them in their home.

I am looking forward to making a new home for myself as I haven't had a place of my own since a single semester in college.  But, so much is going away....  It's a bitter sweet process.  I'm both excited and frightened to be on my own, especially in these times of conflict and isolation.  I hope I'm able to meet people both for friendship and companionship.

i don't know if I can trust my feelings anymore to tell you the truth.

-Tessa Antonia
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I remember the immortal words of Socrates who said, "I drank what?"
- Chris Knight, Real Genius (1985)

Offline Rachel

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Re: First Times
« Reply #58 on: June 02, 2020, 07:21:59 pm »
Hi Tessa,

You may want to write down the living arrangement and have it notarized. This way later it will be an agreement and not seen or accused of abandonment. When you leave the house you may be giving up your rights to the house and it may be seen as abandoning the family. You may want to provide an agreement for support for the children in your absence and well as visitation. Again have it notarized.  This way you have agreements prior to divorce. Maybe it can be used as submissions as admirable agreements to the judge for settlement consideration. May be used to start the clock on alimony.

Perhaps that is the reason for the return to the house. I do not know this but I have lost most of my faith in people under stress and duress.

RAchel

Rachel
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MTF in need of help link https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,133631.1980.html
MTF in need of help 2 link https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,251825.0.html
HRT  5-28-2013
FT   11-13-2015
FFS   9-16-2016 -Spiegel
GCS 11-15-2016 - McGinn
Hair Grafts 3-20-2017 - Cooley
Voice therapy start 3-2017 - Reene Blaker
Labiaplasty 5-15-2017 - McGinn
BA 7-12-2017 - McGinn
Hair grafts 9-25-2017 Dr.Cooley
Sataloff Cricothyroid subluxation and trachea shave12-11-2017
Dr. McGinn labiaplasty, hood repair, scar removal, graph repair and bottom of  vagina finished. urethra repositioned. 4-4-2018
Dr. Sataloff Glottoplasty 5-14-2018
Dr. McGinn vaginal in office procedure 10-22-2018
Dr. McGinn vaginal revision 2 4-3-2019 Bottom of vagina closed off, fat injected into the labia and urethra repositioned.
Dr. Thomas FemLar 10/13/2020

Offline ChelseaAnn

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Re: First Times
« Reply #59 on: June 07, 2020, 09:17:41 am »
Quote from: ToniToday on May 26, 2020, 11:21:31 pm
They're BACK!!!!

My wife unexpectedly returned home on Saturday with the kids.  I found out why today.  The court denied her petition.  Being transgender wasn't a valid reason to take my kids away!  YAY, San Francisco Bay Area Courts!
She tried that in San Francisco of all places? Uh..... i guess she didn't realize?
Anyway, keep fighting. My wife and i just separated last weekend, but things have been civil and I hope they stay that way.

Sent from my SM-G970U using Tapatalk

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