Topic: Brothers second time around not so easy

[Kate-k]

I had a long chat with my brother last night about how he was feeling and coping with life generally since his divorce. I notice thst whatever we speak about he steers the conversation back to his desire or perhaos need is a better word to cross dress. Right now it seems to be all he can think about.
Its obviously hard if not impossible for me to understand how he feels, he has been unable to cross dress to any real extent for many years and so i get the excitment but there seems almost an urgency to try everythjng and do everything. Is this kind of obsession usual ?
He said that hs would rather be single than have another relationship if that meant he could not cross dress again, thats quite a statement dont you think ? Basically putting cross dressing before a relationship.
It just all seems so different to when we were younger, it was fun and seemed to be no big deal when we were teens. All seema much more intense now.

[Allie Jayne]

Kate-k, your brother may be trans. This means he was possibly born with the brain of a woman. This happened before he was born and is caused by hormone fluctuations in his mother. This female brain demands to realise its gender identity, and puts pressure on the person to comply. This pressure is called Dysphoria. It can be mild, and it can be quite severe, but it won't go away until the brain gets its way. If dysphoria is strong it will overcome the need for relationships. This is a medical problem and the only known treatment is transition, but that can be slow or relatively fast.

He needs to talk to an experienced Gender Therapist who will determine if he is trans, and can work out the best way to go forward. Untreated, dysphoria can be quite dangerous, with a much higher suicide rate among trans people. It is important for him to get professional help, and make sure it is with an experienced trans therapist, or he could get an incorrect diagnosis. Of course he may not be trans, but at least they should work towards finding peace for him. He is lucky to have someone who is looking out for him!

Allie

[Devlyn]

I had a long chat with my brother last night about how he was feeling and coping with life generally since his divorce. I notice thst whatever we speak about he steers the conversation back to his desire or perhaos need is a better word to cross dress. Right now it seems to be all he can think about.
Its obviously hard if not impossible for me to understand how he feels, he has been unable to cross dress to any real extent for many years and so i get the excitment but there seems almost an urgency to try everythjng and do everything. Is this kind of obsession usual ?
He said that hs would rather be single than have another relationship if that meant he could not cross dress again, thats quite a statement dont you think ? Basically putting cross dressing before a relationship.
It just all seems so different to when we were younger, it was fun and seemed to be no big deal when we were teens. All seema much more intense now.

I spent the better part of six decades single, and it had nothing to do with crossdressing or being transgender. Societal conditioning tells us we should be in a relationship, but if you can't be happy alone, there's very little chance you'll be happy with someone, either. I know people who have been married and divorced more than once, and guess what? They weren't happier than single me.    Now I am married, for the first time, at age 57. It's because I finally found the right person, by which I mean to say that she found me. 

Your brother might just have a desire to be a fulltime crossdresser. He might want to pursue transition, who knows? About all you can do is continue to support him, like you are. That's what all of us need more than anything. 

Hugs, Devlyn

[Devlyn]

Oh, while I'm here...since you're a sibling, would you like us to add a Significant Other badge to your profile, like the one I'm sporting? 

Hugs, Devlyn

[KathyLauren]

He said that hs would rather be single than have another relationship if that meant he could not cross dress again, thats quite a statement dont you think ? Basically putting cross dressing before a relationship.

I totally get this.  He is saying that he would rather be his true self by himself than be a fake with a partner. 

When I was mentally processing my intention to come out to my wife, that very thought was part of my thought process: that, if she rejected me and wanted a divorce, I would be okay with that, because I could be myself.  (As it turned out, I got the best of both worlds: she stayed. )

I agree with Allie's advice: he should talk to a gender therapist. 

[Jessica_Rose]

He is saying that he would rather be his true self by himself than be a fake with a partner. 

Exactly right! I felt the same way. I could no longer hide who I was, even if that meant losing the one person who had always been at my side. Luckily, she stayed. If you can't be yourself, you can never truly be happy.

Love always -- Jessica Rose

[randim]

It is interesting that his (or her?) language is that of cross-dressing as opposed to identifying as trans.  It may be significant or it may be that they have not come to grips with who they are yet.  If it is an identity issue, if truly female-identified, then yes, prioritizing that over a relationship is very understandable.

[Kate-k]

Oh, while I'm here...since you're a sibling, would you like us to add a Significant Other badge to your profile, like the one I'm sporting? 

Hugs, Devlyn

Hi Devlyn,
Yes please that would be useful.
Thank you

[Devlyn]

There you go. 

[Kate-k]

It is interesting that his (or her?) language is that of cross-dressing as opposed to identifying as trans.  It may be significant or it may be that they have not come to grips with who they are yet.  If it is an identity issue, if truly female-identified, then yes, prioritizing that over a relationship is very understandable.

and

To be fair it is probably more my language than his, he tends to say "dressing or dressed" rather than cross dressing etc.
I can see how language could be significant, I will certainly keep that in mind.
Thank you

[Kate-k]

There you go. 

and

Thank you 

[Kate-k]

Thank you all for your replies and for making me feel so welcome.
Plenty of food for thought.

If I am honest I have sometimes wondered if his feelings go deeper than he lets on, what would have happened if mum had kept on accepting it instead of deciding he should stop and so taking that support away from him just when he really needed it.

What route would be take if he was young today ? I wish mum was still here, so many questions.

I used to think it was because we didn't have a male influence growing up, it was a really girly home but he seemed happy. People often mistook him for a girl and he always loved that.

He was so confident and happy when he could cross dress and just present as a girl, he absolutely loved that.

I will have to gently quiz him when I see him.
Thanks again

[aaajjj55]

Apologies for being a little late to this party but I would like to give a slightly differing perspective to some of the other respondents.

Firstly, let's state the obvious.  There's probably not a day that goes by without your brother wishing, with every fibre in his body, that he had been born female.  He'll look at women in the street with envy.  He'll walk past a cute outfit in the window of a ladies' clothes shop and wish he could go in and try it on.  He'll fight with the urges to set the 'inner woman' free.  And when he does get the opportunity to dress, he will feel sensations like no other; his worries will evaporate and everything will feel right.  And I know this because I've just described myself!

But there's an important point here.  Wishing one had been born female is very different to wanting to transition to become one.  I would be lying if I said I have never considered transition (I have gone on record on this forum saying this) but I am realistic enough to realise that transition is not for me. 

But it's not easy - you make the point that your brother's feelings seem more intense now and I think that practically everyone who posts here would concur.  These are urges that don't go away and intensify as you get older.  For some, transition is the answer but, for others, it most definitely isn't.

And I think your brother's assertion that he would rather be single than have another relationship where he could not dress again is one that I can definitely identify with.  I am married but rammed well and truly into the closet by a disapproving wife.  The guilt about what I do is all consuming and I often dream about being single so that my female clothes could be hanging in the bedroom wardrobe and I could change whenever the fancy took me.  But I think that throwing away my marriage and everything that goes with it is too high a price to pay.  Your brother has the chance to live that life and there's nothing wrong with that.  Who knows, though - maybe he'll meet a lovely lady who can support and encourage this side of his life?

So I wouldn't worry too much about this.  Your brother has the chance to live his life as he wants to.  Maybe he'll be content just to dress at home, maybe he'll want to spread his wings and socialise as a female.  Perhaps, in time, he'll decide that he wants to take this further and then, as others have suggested, he will need professional guidance.

In the end though, you obviously love and support your brother and that's what he needs more than anything else.