Community Conversation > Male to female transsexual talk (MTF)

The All New 'Before & After' Topic (v 5.0)

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JessicaNicole:

--- Quote from: tgirlamg on October 21, 2021, 04:36:40 pm ---@JessicaNicole

Hello Again Dear Sister!

I have read through all your posts including the one about your experience with therapy/therapists thus far!… The fact that you just joined the forum and are delving into things within you, in the manner you are… asking the questions you are…speaks volumes… I think you have answered many of your questions yourself!… yet…when we stand at the edge of a cliff… it is hard to know that our answers are sound and that we can trust them… I believe you came here seeking a path forward to what you want… That path exists! 🌻

I realize you feel a bit at a loss for the support you desire… both from the multiple therapy environments and sadly from your family as well… The good news is… you are building support right here!… We all walk our own journey but we all share so very many common threads… Please know we all see some of ourselves in everything you have written 🌻

I have seen so many girls here over the years who feel very boxed in and afraid… as you do… afraid of hurting others… afraid of how a transitioned life might turn out… how they will be seen and treated by others…Fear Management.. Acceptance that there WILL BE fear… and it is okay to be scared as you move into unknown territory is part of moving forward… Look around this Before/After thread and you will see many sisters in spirit who have moved forward…  note the grim looks… the lack of real smile in the before pics… note the genuine smiles and the glow in the faces of those same people, as they claim a life that reflects the person inside 🌻

Our maleness… in many cases… is like an ill fitting garment we were handed to wear long ago… we could never wear anything else as we bowed to the expectations of others… we come to a point in which the garment becomes way too tight… we need to tear it away or be strangled by it… I think that is where you now find yourself 🌻

Perspective is a huge piece of the pie … We often get fixed on the view we find through one lens and never choose to view things through another lens…. I know your children’s feelings are a huge obstacle for you… consider looking through the lens in which they will eventually be able to see you, their parent… in new ways…  it takes people a while to remake a long held view of us… consider that they will grow as people as they go through that process and…consider that they would have the advantage of finally knowing their own parent at a much deeper level despite the birthing pains of the process…. I know, that as a parent… you made many decisions on their behalf that were painful for them as kids but needed to be made… because you are a loving parent 🌻

Anyway Jessica…  Just some of my thoughts for you to consider or reject outright as you see fit!… There is a lot to all this… and much reward in finding the answers in all of it that work best for you!!! … All good things to you as you find your way!… I will PM you some additional contact info for me to use as much or as little as you like! 🌻

Onward we go brave sister!!!

Ashley 🙋‍♀️🌻💕

--- End quote ---

Ashley,
First, omg you are a wonderful writer.  Makes sense I guess since you are a public speaker. You probably have a ton of experience formulating your thoughts into writing.

You are spot on in your assessment of where I feel I am right now in my journey and experience. Most importantly I think your explanation of perspective is very much the hurdle I am having difficulty clearing. I have lived for so long looking at my life from the perspective of the male persona that I built for everyone else to meet their expectations, that I have lost sight from my true inner perspective of how I see myself and the world as I move through it. Life of course has taught me that is the safest way to exist.  But I feel that inner perspective screaming to be acknowledged everyday now. It used to come and go, never quite as loud. It began to reach the surface about 6 years ago and by then I had gone through so many cycles of purge and repeat that I finally said, "fine I'm just going to see where this leads."  That was the true beginning of my awakening and personal acceptance. By 2019 I could literally stand in the shower in the mornings and when I closed my eyes I could feel that perspective shift.  I could feel the water running over my female body. I could feel sensations from areas of my body I had never really noticed before. With my eyes closed I was a woman standing in that shower.  Ever since then those sensations have only grown stronger. I feel like I literally am wearing a "male body suit" directly over my female body. I am that full and that close to the surface. 

And then reality crashes back in as I exit the shower and dry off and see my aging face and male body in the mirror. I then spend the rest of the day wrestling between the need to be fully ME and the impact to my family and the life they know. Perhaps the biggest part of that is the impact on my youngest daughter who is just graduating high school in May.  With graduation and moving off to college next fall, she is going through her own major changes and I want to allow her the comfort and space to do that without complicating things by having dad show up as a woman to her graduation.  But I also think that in that short amount of time a decision by me to live more authentically may not even be visible to others in that short amount of time.  This is the point where the fear that you mentioned takes over and finds every excuse. Telling me "but then you have to wait for this to happen, and then there's this other thing..." I try to remind myself that there is never a "good time" for difficult news, but then I try to negotiate with myself.

Essentially I know you get it. And so many of the trans women have had to overcome these same obstacles.  I appreciate your guidance and support and thank you for offering your contact info.  I will send you an email to open a more direct channel.

Better days ahead!
Jess <3

tgirlamg:

--- Quote from: JessicaNicole on October 22, 2021, 01:11:13 pm ---Ashley,
First, omg you are a wonderful writer.  Makes sense I guess since you are a public speaker. You probably have a ton of experience formulating your thoughts into writing.

You are spot on in your assessment of where I feel I am right now in my journey and experience. Most importantly I think your explanation of perspective is very much the hurdle I am having difficulty clearing. I have lived for so long looking at my life from the perspective of the male persona that I built for everyone else to meet their expectations, that I have lost sight from my true inner perspective of how I see myself and the world as I move through it. Life of course has taught me that is the safest way to exist.  But I feel that inner perspective screaming to be acknowledged everyday now. It used to come and go, never quite as loud. It began to reach the surface about 6 years ago and by then I had gone through so many cycles of purge and repeat that I finally said, "fine I'm just going to see where this leads."  That was the true beginning of my awakening and personal acceptance. By 2019 I could literally stand in the shower in the mornings and when I closed my eyes I could feel that perspective shift.  I could feel the water running over my female body. I could feel sensations from areas of my body I had never really noticed before. With my eyes closed I was a woman standing in that shower.  Ever since then those sensations have only grown stronger. I feel like I literally am wearing a "male body suit" directly over my female body. I am that full and that close to the surface. 

And then reality crashes back in as I exit the shower and dry off and see my aging face and male body in the mirror. I then spend the rest of the day wrestling between the need to be fully ME and the impact to my family and the life they know. Perhaps the biggest part of that is the impact on my youngest daughter who is just graduating high school in May.  With graduation and moving off to college next fall, she is going through her own major changes and I want to allow her the comfort and space to do that without complicating things by having dad show up as a woman to her graduation.  But I also think that in that short amount of time a decision by me to live more authentically may not even be visible to others in that short amount of time.  This is the point where the fear that you mentioned takes over and finds every excuse. Telling me "but then you have to wait for this to happen, and then there's this other thing..." I try to remind myself that there is never a "good time" for difficult news, but then I try to negotiate with myself.

Essentially I know you get it. And so many of the trans women have had to overcome these same obstacles.  I appreciate your guidance and support and thank you for offering your contact info.  I will send you an email to open a more direct channel.

Better days ahead!
Jess <3

--- End quote ---

@JessicaNicole

Thank you for the kind words sister!… I do feel that speaking in public makes demands upon you that are quite beneficial in many areas of your life that pertain to communication and self knowledge…. As we seek to find the best words to convey to others, the nature of our experiences… we come to new levels of self examination and self understanding. 🌻

I have recommended the experience to others many times over the years…. I started because I did not know what would come of my decision to live as my true self but…. I saw the experience of walking into rooms full of strangers…. and speaking my peace about what had always been my deepest secret… as a skill that would serve me well… It did give me confidence in facing the world and I continue doing it now for the love of the connection with new people and the love of offering new perspectives on who we are and what this is all about…. There are so many misconceptions floating around and often those are all people have to draw on as they form their opinions🌻

You feel a bit boxed in right now but… all that you seek is within your grasp… all challenges ahead can be met… all obstacles ahead can be navigated…

I look forward to your email and… for the moment… A snippet of Walt Whitman’s “Song of the Open Road” to fuel your journey!…It speaks to finding ourself… finding our place in the world and our place amongst others along life’s journey…


“From this hour I ordain myself loos’d of limits and imaginary lines,
Going where I list, my own master total and absolute,
Listening to others, considering well what they say,
Pausing, searching, receiving, contemplating,
Gently, but with undeniable will, divesting myself of the holds that would hold me.
I inhale great draughts of space,
The east and the west are mine, and the north and the south are mine.

I am larger, better than I thought,
I did not know I held so much goodness.

All seems beautiful to me,
I can repeat over to men and women You have done such good to me I would do the same to you,
I will recruit for myself and you as I go,
I will scatter myself among men and women as I go,
I will toss a new gladness and roughness among them,
Whoever denies me it shall not trouble me,
Whoever accepts me he or she shall be blessed and shall bless me.”


Onward we go brave sister!

A 🙋‍♀️💕🌻


JessicaNicole:

--- Quote from: Pammie on February 08, 2020, 08:59:32 am ---Stunning and you look fantastic! X


I opened the door and the light shone in

--- End quote ---

Hello dear friend!  This was certainly a happy circumstance running into your post. The moment I saw your face I was so excited that I had a friend here already.  I am looking forward to the many more friends I will make here and have already chatted with some wonderful people.  I just wanted to say "hi". I'm sure we will be chatting some more very soon. And hopefully I will be posting my own before and after in the near future.

Jess <3

PS Did you ever get the gift card ( ;))

Jaymilynn:
It’s been awhile. I’m gonna do a way back. I think the first pic is like 8 years ago.



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Jaymilynn:
I was 277 in that pic. I’m 194 now.


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