Author Topic: MTF in need of help 2  (Read 3086 times)

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Offline Rachel

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MTF in need of help 2
« on: February 14, 2020, 05:16:13 pm »
Hello, below is the link to the original thread MTF in need of help. It was locked due to a number of page limit Rubicon.  There were 100 pages, 1996 replies and 246,964 views.

https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,133631.1980.html

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@MaryXYX,
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  Re: MTF in need of help

« Reply #1993 on: Yesterday at 05:56:41 pm »
I think the 'sir' was a deliberate insult.  Here I would report someone for that.  Good idea to go with post-menopausal though, it's simpler.

Mary, I agree, the sir was deliberate. It was the way she said it, the emphasis that I picked up on. After a while though I think she warmed up to me. We chatted a bit and she welcomed me to womanhood. It felt nice when she said that.
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@MM

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Rachel, glad your momo went well for you.  Answering questions truthfully about your periods is difficult without coming out as trans. Telling the truth is probably the best way, if the tech has had much experience she should have had a trans women before. You didn't mention the plate being cold and the pressure hurting your boobs.  You should be able to easily see the your breast tissue and the implant. At your age and being on hrt's so long you fall in the group that should have an annual mamo.  I think the tech was surprised with you telling her you were a tgirl and somehow calling you sir and quickly realizing what she had done.

I can see your interim boss,calling sir for 25 yrs he has seen you as a guy and is still getting use to you as a woman. I say give him a break for the little longer.

Hi, the clear plastic was not cold and the meter said the pounds force was between 9 and 12. So the only discomfort was the position I had to be in and hug the machine and not get my hair in the way. I do love my hair though :) . The place is at 1100 Walnut street which is the heart of the gayborhood. Mazzoni ( my trans provider) sends a lot of woman there.

I do think she intentionally slipped in the sir because of how she said it. I could be wrong but it felt that way. She later did welcome me to womanhood and showed me the 8 pick of my breasts. Implants are bright white but the breast issue is very cool with lots of I guess ducts and veins. Maybe I grew a bit in breast tissue since 2017.

I owe a thanks to @Danielle for sharing her breast story and putting it out there.
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So, when I looked at the first page of "MTF in need of help" I cried and could not go to page two. Lots of memories there. I am really sad it will go away in time and that journey will be forgotten. Is there a way I can download the thread? Maybe make it an e-book and charge $1 for a copy and make it a donation to a charity like Susan's Place. Or go to a fund for a new computer for the site.
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Personal life

So I will be going to the Hall tomorrow evening. I have play set up with one top and I messaged another one to see if he wants to do a shibari scene.  I would love to do an electric scene with the one guy and I will ask.

So, going to the hall provides a social environment. Something to do on a Saturday night. I do want something more. Perhaps I will go out to the munches. Maybe I can find something there. I do think what I am looking for is not at the hall, just a feeling.

I am super fearful getting into a relationship. I really need to listen to my inner self on this.
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Brows, hair and nails
I have  microblading consult tomorrow. The treatment was to have been next Saturday. If it is not next Saturday then I need to make it in three weeks and get my hair colored. Nails next weekend. 
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Clothes and shoes
I really need to get some new cloths and shoes. Shoes are hard to find in stores (13 woman's). So the internet for them is my friend. Clothing though, I need to try on clothing.
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Health Assessment
I need to bring the info home so I can put it here. It is really good. My BMI is 23 but it does not take into account the muscle. I had 52 beets a minute and BP 93/56. I had a huge dinner last night (5 eggs and a package of Taylors porkroll) and my sugar was 92. My waist was fine. My HDL was great and my LDL was just a little high which is what is expected with keto. My triglycerides were 34 or 54 which is recommended to be below 300. This is another keto measure.
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Rachel Lynn 2

« Last Edit: February 14, 2020, 07:33:03 pm by Rachel »

Offline Northern Star Girl

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Re: MTF in need of help 2
« Reply #1 on: February 14, 2020, 07:49:32 pm »
@Rachel
Dear Rachel:
Thank you for starting your new and continued thread...

I and the rest of your followers have so much enjoyed reading your previous ORIGINAL thread...
click LINK below:
                         "MTF in need of help" 
https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,133631.msg2345024.html#msg2345024

Wishing you well as you continue on.....

HUGS,
Danielle
« Last Edit: February 21, 2020, 10:08:09 pm by Northern Star Girl »
***SEE MY LINKS BELOW
The Ramblings of a Northern*Star Girl
A New Chapter: ALASKAN DANIELLE's Chronicles
I am the HUNTED PREY: Danielle’s Chronicles
Things change re: ALASKAN DANIELLE
Positive Mindset... put away negativity

Started HRT:   March 2015
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Offline Julie H

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Re: MTF in need of help 2
« Reply #2 on: February 14, 2020, 11:10:21 pm »
To keep your memories of your first blog just add a bookmark to it that's what I do to get to mine easily.
Julie

Offline Rachel

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Re: MTF in need of help 2
« Reply #3 on: February 15, 2020, 04:08:53 pm »
@Julie H, thank you. I bookmarked the original thread.
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So I had the microblading consult. I filled out a 4 page document. It asked about medications and past surgeries. I put down estradiol and testosterone and I put lots for past surgeries.

I scheduled for next Saturday at 10. I am very excited. There is a one week wait and you can not do it the same day as the consult. The cost is $575 and it includes a follow up session in 4 to 6 weeks.

The microblade person liked my brows. Color and style. She said she would copy it. She recommended I color the natural hairs.  The my color is light brown. I felt so happy that a makeup artist liked the way I do my brows. I get compliments from woman at work but I do not know if they are just being nice.

The technician asked what surgeries I had. I started with the face and she asked why I had it done? I started thinking I pass. Then I said I had a BA and some surgeries down there. She expressed absolutely no difference in voice stress or cadence.

The salon is big, clean and very busy. Maybe I will schedule my hair coloring there.
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Body
So one issue I have is my body image and how I see my body. If you read my posts it is pretty obvious. My therapist wants me to look in the mirror several times a day and say positive feedback. When I get changed I look at my body.

Today before going to the gym I did see some nice attributes then focused on some of the attributes I do not like. One is not having good hips. I am thin and there are no hips. I was at the gym and there were two woman next to me and the one had no hips. She was beautiful . OK so maybe I need to cut myself some slack on the hip thing and let it go. I will not get silicone or fat transfer (where would I get the fat). So I am focusing on having a really nice butt, legs, tummy and chest. There is nothing like lifting weights to calm me down.
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I made the blogosphere with just one post. At some point along my journey I set 250,000 post views as a decision point. It is much less important now but back then it was very important to me. Maybe it was just to push off a decision until later and later I would have a better grip. Maybe it was my slow thinking mind (inner mind) allowing myself time to adjust to being me or maybe it is just a reasonable amount of time to reevaluate and go from there.

So the 250,000 view is approaching and I will be doing some introspection. I will share the introspection with my therapist to a point. Perhaps the next trigger point will be higher views, perhaps not. I m healthy, I am sane and I am in good spirits.
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I have only one play lined up for tonight, with a pharmacist and professor. I need to work up the nerve to ask the chemist to play with me, very cute. How about this line. Do you want to do a scene with me? You know I am a bit slutty. If we can work that into the scene that would be good. LOL, not ready for prime time.

Rachel


 



Offline Rachel

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Re: MTF in need of help 2
« Reply #4 on: February 15, 2020, 10:59:17 pm »
The Hall
I went to Hush tonight at the Hall. I had messaged 4 guys I play with and only one was going. One guy I had talked to last event said we would do a scene next time he comes to the hall. So I had one scene. It was with the Pharmacist. He did floggers, riding crop and two wips. He is a medium top and it was enjoyable. I did go into subspace for a while. Coming out of subspace and back to the hear and now is harsh. Like turning on a bright light, your senses come alive.

I went to the perv perch  (mezzanine) where it is warm and I lay on a sofa for a bit and just floated.

So next was a time to ask a top to play with me. There was a guy that is awesome at fire but there were 4 beautiful woman around him :( . No shibari for me tonight either. The Chemist was there and he had no one to play with. I could ask but I chickened out several times. I am disappointed in myself. It was a goal for me to achieve tonight.

A woman walked right up to me a foot away and said I love your body suit. I said thanks. The she said she loved my tattoo's. I said thanks. Woman are very forward at the hall. Males are laid back and woman always ask the guys to play. There is a negotiation. Almost always no sex is involved. Woman post about the issue on boards at the hall about the lack of sex. There are explicit sex scenes but most all scenes as without sex.

So I left early.

Next week is wrestle FXXK. This is the event that landed me into the hospital. So if I go I will negotiate a wrestling scene if I venture to do that. Then there is the FXXK part on the third floor. I do not know if I could participate. I feel awkward in that I am trans. There are trans there but I feel awkward. So I might invite a guy that has been messaging me on fetlife.  If he went with me I could buy a few impact pieces and bring them and he could use them and then maybe FXXK.

Oh, the Pharmacist almost invited me to a play party but did not. I think he needs to play a bit more with me. He said I can take a lot of pain. I was in subspace and his impact enabled me to drift off.
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So a part of me likes the socialization. A part of me likes the impact and the chemical response to the pain. A part of me is thinking this is a huge stress event. My body must altering my histones and reveling certain DNA to help me with the huge stress event.  Epigenetics.

Healthfulness is influenced by calories intake, time restricted feeding, protein intake, sleep, exercise, keto diet, anti-oxidants, heat stress, cold stress and continuous stress. I eat protein at a higher level than most people and I blood test at minimum. If I cutback then they will draw blood weekly until I up my protein. I eat hydrolyzed protein every day too . I make super antioxidants. May calories are fine. Sleep, I need to increase that during the week an hour to 1.5 hours. Exercise and keto are great. Since transitioning and living alone my continuous stress level is 1/1000 what it was.

I want to include the sauna 3 times a week. Also, I believe the impact, electric and fire at hall are stresses that must influence the epigenetics. I hate the cold but there is a cryo place near me and I could go there.

So this was Saturday night. I need to gain courage to ask tops to play with me.

Rachel

Offline Julie H

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Re: MTF in need of help 2
« Reply #5 on: February 15, 2020, 11:00:58 pm »
You are more than welcome  :)
Julie

Offline Rachel

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Re: MTF in need of help 2
« Reply #6 on: February 18, 2020, 07:07:58 pm »
I had a session with my therapist today.

I think I am ready for a relationship. Nothing heavy but something more than playing at the hall. I will go to a few munches to just socialize. Maybe I could get something a little more of a conversation going and find someone that I hit it off with. Maybe I am ready.

We discussed stuff that happened when I was younger.

My sister and I were having a conversation over the phone the other day. She dug up some deep memories from when I was young. I had buried it very deep but there it was. There was one part when I was very young about 5 and it made a lot of sense when she put a few parts into the puzzle. I guess it was still bothering my sister. It came from out of the blue.

I think I understand why I was treated they way I was. I think I finally get it. I do not need to make excuses for them. I see them for their actions and motivations.

I am in a pressure cooker of a job but I do not feel stress. I am hyper vigilant and I am very keen to watch others actions, words and body language. Fear and defense is something that I am constantly balancing. I know why now.

Rachel




Offline Maddie

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Re: MTF in need of help 2
« Reply #7 on: February 19, 2020, 10:07:44 am »
Hi Rachel.

Glad I found you again :)
And  that you recieved more understanding of your past and present.  Leading into your future, and possible relationship. Good timing for insights. Inspired by your stress management on the job. Thanks for sharing about the hall.

Have fun.

Offline Rachel

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Re: MTF in need of help 2
« Reply #8 on: February 19, 2020, 03:44:15 pm »
@Maddie, I am glad you found the thread. Thanks for the support.

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I had my 3 month checkup at Mazzoni. My CNP checked the results from the mammogram, which were negative. I had the usual STD tests swabs and urine sample. She asked if I wanted my T tested. I said e and T please. All else good.
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I may not go to the hall this weekend. There is a Poly meetup then WrestleFUXX. Last WrestleFUXX I hurt my ribs and was out of commission for a while. I guess I could go and not wrestle. I just think I need a break this weekend.
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I will try to go to a munch this weekend and just meet new peeps. My goal is to just socialize.
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I e-mailed Jody at Dr. Thomas' office to see what number I am in line for vocal surgery.
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Childhood
I think I understand why things were very rough growing up. I am different and I think it was perhaps resentment or hate of who I am that caused the physical abuse. Perhaps be this way or else this. The sexual stuff was something different. I just say it is in the past and I can only control my actions and behaviors and not others.  I am fine and it is their problem. It is the truth and I know the past is dead, literally and figuratively. So why was it on my mind last night and why could I not sleep?
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Rachel




Offline Rachel

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Re: MTF in need of help 2
« Reply #9 on: February 21, 2020, 06:29:18 pm »
I am #20 on the vocal operation list for Dr. Thomas. I was #27 January 8th. I need to get a firm date so I can schedule time off from work.

I had a 4 hour electrolysis session today. 14th or 15th clearing of my top lip. The first clearing was 4 hours and this time was 1.5 hours. 1.5 hours for the lower lip and 1 hour on the neck below my chin. I asked how many more times do you think until my upper lip will be done. She said 4 or 5. Each time it takes less time to clear. I did not shave the upper lip from the 4 weeks prior appointment.

Dr. McGinn prescribes my HRT. She said I could put the E cream on my face. She said that e helps with collagen.  She also let me know of a doctor she recommends for fractal laser. The cost is $900 and he is in New Town close to me.

Rachel

Offline Maddie

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Re: MTF in need of help 2
« Reply #10 on: February 22, 2020, 08:30:40 am »
Good luck with timing the wait list for Dr Thomas with your work schedule.  Pretty sure that type of procedure should stay off the table for me.  I've already had one vocal cord surgery miracle in my life, and it was an exceptional recovery.  My surgeon has a recording of a song I wrote and sang maybe two weeks after that vocal rest was over that he couldn't believe!  Wishing you results like that hon.

Rachel, would you describe the beard density of your former life as light, medium, or heavy?   You have mentioned several hundred hours of electro before.  I had hoped you were done, and imagine you do too!
My lips have been cleared by electro 18 times.  It's faster now, about 2 1/2 hours,.  There is reduced density, ut no sign of the hair really letting up...that's just me, and not real surprised tho. 
Happy for you getting closer to done with that. 
And that McGinn is in your life.

Offline Rachel

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Re: MTF in need of help 2
« Reply #11 on: February 22, 2020, 07:35:45 pm »
@Maddie, I would describe the beard as medium. I go to one electrolysis person on Thursdays for an hour, another for 45 minutes every other Tuesday and Papillion once a month for 4 hours.

I had gone to Papillion for 8 hours once but it was a lot on my skin. They use numbing so the machine is turned up to the point I have scabs at the insertion site. I should be done my upper lip in 4 sessions. Lower lip and chin too. I think I will be done electrolysis for the most part this year.
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Voice
I originally wanted to go to Dr. Thomas. Then I thought FemLar was a bit too much. Plus being in Portland and the west coast it would be expensive for follow-up visits. Then I had a consult with Dr. Spiegel and he said he did a 30% tie. I spoke to a woman over lunch and she did not recommend Dr. Spiegel because she said she sounded male. I thought she sounded female 100%. I schedule with Dr. Haban then my therapist recommend Dr. Sataloff. He is the head of the Voice.org and has a trans presentation. He sounded awesome I did a consult and he was in high regard and the Dean of Drexel Laryngology. 

The CTS resulted in a 170 hz normal voice. The trachea shave was not done and the scar is bad. The outer skin is stuck to the inner tissue.

I had a glottoplasty with him next. My Hz is 220 to 260 HZ normal voice, great. I have two vibratory margins and an 80% glottoplasty and dysphonia ( one fold bigger then the other causing the folds to not be in sync). The doctor wanted to inject me with a chemo drug in the smaller fold and also inject it with a temporary filler and later insert PTFE.

In my mind I heard STOP in that consult and get a second opinion. Dr. Thomas stopped the medication I was on in the consult. He said to not inject 5FU into the fold. He listed 4 options. One of which was Fem Lar. He said I may need follow up laser vocal fold debulking to tune the vocal folds so they are in synch.

I was where I started with my vocal search. I lost 1.5 of 3 octaves. Some from the lower and some from the top. My vocal power is low and I am hoarse. I hope to increase my vocal power, eliminate the hoarseness and close off the lower vibratory margin. I can not tell you what an absolute PIA the second vibratory margin has been. More than the dual voice issue. The liquid I swallow partially reenters my throat and causes me to re-swallow and clear my throat.   
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Microblading eyebrows

So I had the procedure done today. I was told my brows would be darker for 3 or so days and then lighten up. The outline looks great and if the brows lighten then I would be 100% happy with the process. I go backin3 weeks for tinting of the brows and hair coloring and 4 weeks for a touch up of the microblading.


Rachel

Offline Rachel

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Re: MTF in need of help 2
« Reply #12 on: February 26, 2020, 07:06:08 pm »
Hi,

So I went onto the patient portal for Mazzoni to check my blood teat results. T 370 ng/dl and E 65 pg/ml. So I sent the results to Papillion. I have E-pills and took one. Tomorrow and Friday I will skip T and Saturday use 1/10 dose. E I will need to take pills and cream.

Something must have been wrong with the compounding. I have a new batch on order. I will request a script for bloodwork from Papillion. Also, I will inform them of the levels and my actions.

Mazzoni would not have checked my hormones if I did not ask. The never viewed my bloodwork or knew what they were looking for.

For now I need to change the hormone levels stat.

Rachel

Offline Maddie

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Re: MTF in need of help 2
« Reply #13 on: February 26, 2020, 11:40:09 pm »

Good thing you are in top of it and making sure at least Papillion look at your levels.
It was explained before, but I'm still not 100% clear on compounding
Hopefully for you things get back on track in the next few days.

Offline steph2.0

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MTF in need of help 2
« Reply #14 on: February 27, 2020, 11:42:40 pm »
If a particular formulation isn’t available commercially or over the counter, you can go to a compounding pharmacy and they’ll make you a batch, assuming it’s an accepted and safe combination.

I have my progesterone cream and my BLT numbing cream made at one about a half hour drive from home. I hate having to drive all the way there, because my favorite coffee shop is on the next block. O, the horror!


- Stephanie
Assigned male at birth 1958 * Began envying sister 1963 * Knew unquestioningly that I was female 1968 * Acted the male part for 50 years * Meltdown and first therapist session May 2017 * Began HRT 6/21/17 * Out to the world 10/13/17 * Name Change 12/7/2017 (Girl Harbor Day) * FFS With FacialTeam 12/4/2018 * Facelift and Lipo Body Sculpting at Ocean Clinic 6/13-14/2019 * GCS with Marci Bowers 9/11/2019 * Name and Gender Change on Birth Certificate 11/21/2019 * Accepted Internally That Transition is Completed 11/28/2019

Offline Maddie

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Re: MTF in need of help 2
« Reply #15 on: February 28, 2020, 01:15:53 am »

I have my progesterone cream and my BLT numbing cream made at one about a half hour drive from home. I hate having to drive all the way there, because my favorite coffee shop is on the next block. O, the horror!
Eek! Do they make you sit in a comfy chair too??

Offline steph2.0

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Re: MTF in need of help 2
« Reply #16 on: February 28, 2020, 02:43:43 am »
Eek! Do they make you sit in a comfy chair too??

I know, right? Mocha Mudslide with Kahlua! Yuck!




- Stephanie
Assigned male at birth 1958 * Began envying sister 1963 * Knew unquestioningly that I was female 1968 * Acted the male part for 50 years * Meltdown and first therapist session May 2017 * Began HRT 6/21/17 * Out to the world 10/13/17 * Name Change 12/7/2017 (Girl Harbor Day) * FFS With FacialTeam 12/4/2018 * Facelift and Lipo Body Sculpting at Ocean Clinic 6/13-14/2019 * GCS with Marci Bowers 9/11/2019 * Name and Gender Change on Birth Certificate 11/21/2019 * Accepted Internally That Transition is Completed 11/28/2019

Offline Rachel

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Re: MTF in need of help 2
« Reply #17 on: February 29, 2020, 06:06:50 pm »
I did compounding because I wanted to try something different than injections. I had a very high level of E from unmonitored E on injections.

I ordered E over the phone as usual. I received a call from Papillion and they asked a few questions. I never expected that. So they increased my refills to make it to the May appointment.

I have a script for E and I have been taking the prescribed dose for 3 days and I feel much better already.
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I really need to go shopping for spring clothes and new shoes and sneakers. Maybe I will order some shoes now.
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Brows, my left brow is a little closer to my nose than my right brow. I go in for brow tinting and hair next week and 2 weeks after that I go back for microblading fill in. Overall other than the one brow being a little closer to my nose, I am very happy with the result.
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I need to go to the gym early tomorrow and then do my daughters taxes then lunch with her and my ex.

Rachel



Offline Joy1809

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Re: MTF in need of help 2
« Reply #18 on: March 05, 2020, 10:10:36 am »
Well done on the 100 pages!  Glad to see you still progressing.  I think the munch is s great idea.

Offline Rachel

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Re: MTF in need of help 2
« Reply #19 on: March 07, 2020, 09:58:31 pm »
@joy1809, thank you for the support.

I have a goal to go to a munch next weekend. :)
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"You've Got to Hide Your Love Away", is how I feel tonight about myself.

I did not go to the really big play party tonight. I texted J and he was not sure he was going and I did not text the one other guy I have played with. The third guy has a girlfriend now and does not go to the hall now. There are two others that I have played with once each but I did not text them.

This has been a long time coming but I want something more. What exactly I do not know but something more. I am kinky so a Munch with the intent of finding some more permanent partners is my initial goal. I want to form relationships and maybe find love.

Going to a Munch would be a huge deal for me but I think I can manage it.
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Electrolysis
I go to three places. Papillion is for 4 hours monthly. Then there is a place I go to every other week for an hour and one every week for an hour. I will be changing to every other week for the weekly appointment.

 I was really upset because I have been going to her for years. I jail broke her when she had GCS. We plan to go to Thailand this winter. I will miss seeing her weekly. 
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So I come off as very reserved. I do not open up to people and I do not trust people. I keep a distance and I observe. I watch and I draw patterns. I know why I do this and I need to be more friendly. The Munch will be my chance to practice this social skill. 

I have learned so much at the hall. Women there have had their share of issues. They do not cut a person slack. They say what they mean and hold people accountable for their actions and behaviors.
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I am always thinking about how I am perceived by others. Do I pass, am I being treated differently. It does not appear that way but it is in the back of my mind. Venturing out and trying to find a match will just heighten that feeling I guess. I will need to realize it is there and address the feeling when it occurs and not surpass it.
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I take supplements in addition to going to the gym, keto and time restricted feeding. I was taking about 5 grams a day of apocynin food grade 95.5 % pure or greater. I experienced some increasing side effects that were not desirable. I decreased my does to 2 grans and now zero as of Friday. The product dehydrates you and causes light sensitivity which increases in time. There are no human dose information and I caution others about using it. I was on the high dosage for 2 years. I may return to it in time and try an external localized usage test. It has some awesome benefits too but the side effects are something to be very carful about. After the side effects subside I may in time take 1/2 gram a day or three times a week internally as another test.

One of the many benefits is col 17 A1 production which decreases with age which then decreases col 1,2 and 3 support. This in turn decreases the hair stem cell support and promotes the conversion of hair stem cells to skin stem cells.

It is also a super antioxidant and an anti NADPH inhibitor.

Rachel



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