Author Topic: MTF in need of help 2  (Read 3105 times)

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Offline Maddie

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Re: MTF in need of help 2
« Reply #20 on: March 08, 2020, 03:09:19 am »
Cool about knowing one of your electrologists as well as that!
I'm on the tortoise track for electro. 2hrs/month. Starting in 2015 ;D

Good thing you are always thinking about how you are percieved.   You are in group environments where people do not cut slack and hold accountables.  I bet you're not letting guys off for BS either! 
Rooting for someone right for you.

I'm curious if you have a culprit among your supplements for suspected changes/restoration of hair color reported previously.

Offline Rachel

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Re: MTF in need of help 2
« Reply #21 on: March 08, 2020, 06:40:04 pm »
@Maddie, thank you for your support. I have had one of the electrolysis peeps at the hall twice. She wanted to get closer but I find guys sexually attractive. Not so great as the hall is 95% female. One was a Pro Dom when she was younger. Now she does electrolysis and laser.

Hair, I have read that strict keto has resulted in some hair color restoration. I have about 20 to 30 % restoration. It may be from antioxidants in contribution as well. I do not know. I do know people on low carb keto have reported some hair color restoration. Odd thing is the color return occurred  in spots and then branched out. there are a lot of benefits from Kito.

Offline Rachel

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Re: MTF in need of help 2
« Reply #22 on: March 09, 2020, 06:52:37 pm »
So I stopped into an auto store to buy car wiper blades. The guy was nice and went over all the different types and prices. I asked what he recommended. After I paid he asked if the car was at the store. Then he offered to put the new blades on. I could not believe it. I felt so good and smiled a lot.

The one guy was in the stock area and came out and said hi and talked about the weather. :)

Rachel


Offline Rachel

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Re: MTF in need of help 2
« Reply #23 on: March 14, 2020, 08:32:51 pm »
Update

I cancelled last Thursday's electrolysis appointment. I have a therapist appointment Tuesday and I will do it over the phone.

The hall is closed through March. I do not think I will return for a few months.

Papillion called and Fridays electrolysis is cancelled. They are only seeing post op appointments next week. My next appointment is in 5 weeks. I may skip it depending on how things go.

I have not been to the gym since last Sunday. I will re-access things in a month.

Work is a super stress cooker. I am glad I work where I do and I am fortunate.

Rachel









Offline Maddie

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Re: MTF in need of help 2
« Reply #24 on: March 15, 2020, 01:38:54 am »
I'm cancelling things too.



Offline Rachel

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Re: MTF in need of help 2
« Reply #25 on: March 15, 2020, 03:27:27 pm »
@Maddie, it is better off to keep away from people and see how this progresses.

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I was at Costco early today and it was pretty empty. Definitely not like a normal Sunday. I will go to Giant Food and get some incidentals later tonight. I made bag of Brussel sprouts for lunch.

Brussel sprouts cut in half and some in quarters
salt
pepper
onion powder
garlic powder
olive oil
pepper
dried cheese

I also made pecan clusters
5 egg whites whipped with cream of tartar. Add in cinnamon and Monk fruit sugar.
Add pecans and coat.
Put on pan with parchment at 200 for 30 minutes, break up and 30 more minutes.
cool and bag

I made 5 pounds of dried beef.
slice top of round thin
Place in bag with soy sauce and wishisheres sauce for 24 hours.
Place in dryer until dried, then bag and refrigerate.


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I had my hair colored and cut yesterday and my brows colored and shaped. They had cancellations and it was not crowded. Two weeks ago I had my brows microbladed. My brows do look good :) , hair too.

They used a gel to add shine. IDK if it was just BS.



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Rachel

Offline Rachel

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Re: MTF in need of help 2
« Reply #26 on: March 17, 2020, 06:17:26 pm »
I had planned to be with someone in April in NY city. Those plans are cancelled.

I am scheduled to be in NYC on May 5 for a doctors consult. I am waiting to see if that is cancelled. It was to review my vaginal canal for depth and labia. Time will tell.

Every non-essential shop are closed. I guess I will be in the park Saturday for a 5 mile hike :)

I wonder if my #20 in line for vocal surgery has changed? I need to check.

Offline Rachel

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Re: MTF in need of help 2
« Reply #27 on: March 18, 2020, 07:32:56 pm »
Update

I am #16 in the surgery list for Dr. Thomas. They are not seeing patients or operating during the Covid-19 outbreak. Their office is closed.

I am working midnight to 6 am donning and doffing on a unit then 6 to noon for my regular work. I am a member of the bio-response team. Only 20 people out of 16,000 volunteer and maintain their training. Of the 20 only 10 volunteer to do the work.  I am trans and being involved at work is very important. It shows people we are involved, care and are not much different than them. I am on 3 committee's, 3 sub committee's and a bunch of work teams.

The hospital outpatient buildings are empty. I eat in one of the office meeting rooms as eating in the cafeteria is very expensive. I would imagine the cafeteria is empty but I do not care to go there as I eat keto and the only thing there I can eat is salad (which I bring) or a side of chicken which costs $6.00 so I just do not go there. I salt and dry my red meat at 165 degrees F for 10 or so hours and bring that to work.

 Traffic to and from work is very light on 95. Most everything is closed. I wonder how my friends in community are doing. They are on my mind.

Rachel

Offline Maddie

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Re: MTF in need of help 2
« Reply #28 on: March 18, 2020, 07:44:25 pm »
You are on my mind friend and hope you stay safe bio-responding.  I should say good luck.
By standing up you set an example.  A good one.  You are worth following Rachel.
Picky eater, but noones perfect ;)
« Last Edit: March 19, 2020, 01:40:18 am by Maddie »

Offline Rachel

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Re: MTF in need of help 2
« Reply #29 on: March 28, 2020, 07:32:31 pm »
@Maddie, thank you. I did 16 days on night shift donning and doffing clinicians in corona-19 areas in the hospital. There were 20 in the bio response team and 5 took shifts. It was meant for ebola and then transitioned to everything. In three weeks we trained nurses to fill the shifts. So Friday was the first day back at my job. Being trans was not an issue working with the medical staff. I  felt accepted and on of the team, they really appreciated us being there.

We have on my team our 3rd shift north campus quarantined as of today for 2 weeks. We shuffles shifts to cover. I did not go into the control room at 0500 Friday as usual to review the log, else I would be quarantined.

 I had gone to employee health 3 weeks ago. I had a 2 day headache and felt yucky and tired and just generally out of it. I did not have a fever and it was the end of the day on a Friday. They said I was ok and to get rest.  I went home and slept that weekend and felt better. My throat felt dry, not sore but dry. I had light sensitivity the previous week or two. Anyhow it passed. So maybe I have the virous already. I read there are 8 strains of the virous. So maybe there are week strains. I heard or read the strain in Wuhan is type A which is deadly.

I think there is a reason China and the USA military do not report the numbers. Same happened in Europe with the plagues. The countries reported low numbers so they did not appear weak and ripe for attack.

I went to Costco and it was pretty empty. They had toilet paper but I do not need any. I use some peroxide when I brush my teeth and ran out a week ago. I ordered it on line form cvs and it arrived today.

We have a year or so of this and most all of us will get it. My daughter was on-call as the hospital she works at only had 6 in her ward. I just got texted that she got called in. I guess it puts into perspective what really is important.

Lots of people are struggling. I am use to social isolation. Distancing, yup, had that happen to me years ago. Dealing with adversity, check. So I guess transition helped me to deal with covid-19.

My issue now is making an exercise routine.

Rachel

Offline Rachel

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Re: MTF in need of help 2
« Reply #30 on: April 04, 2020, 06:33:12 pm »
PPV evaluation
I have an appointment with Dr. Wagner on May 5th. NYC is a mess right now and I think NYU is ground zero. I contacted their office to verify the appointment was going to be rescheduled. I received notice of a video chat appointment opportunity. I completed the forms and uploaded the information. I will see how this progresses and note it here.

The purpose of the appointment is to evaluate the potential of deepening my vaginal canal. Right now I am 2 dots inside and not visible.

Voice
Still on hold. I did notice Portland had no new cases today.

 I want to see if I had CV19 already. I think I did 6 weeks ago. I went to employee health and was told I was ok; I did not have a fever. That process is very different now. We have our own test with 4 hour results but I was no where near the threshold for symptoms. So when a test comes out to test antibodies I will push to get tested. At present 8% of my staff are recovering from the VC19. 

HRT
I have to make a decision. Stay with Papillion of return to Mazzoni. Papillion costs $2,200 out of pocket due to the HRT or the medical service not being covered by insurance. If I go to Mazzoni it is covered by insurance so my cost is $120 per year. In 10 years that would add up to a huge amount of money. I need to work up the courage to e-mail Papillion.

Isolation
I had reached out and I was going to the gym 3 days a week, work and the hall twice a month. Now I just have work and we are isolated. I do not know how work will be able to restart when time this is over. Then what happens when the second wave hits in the fall? Surprisingly I am managing very well. A lot of people are not managing well. I guess the experiences I had have helped me cope.

I hope whoever reads this is coping and doing well.

Just a thought
In the past I thought I had control in my life and consistency. I suppressed who I am and tried to be something I am not. The reality is we can not control the future and we cannot control who we are or the conditions around us.

I was going to work Thursday driving on 95 at about 430 AM. There were lights ahead. I knew what that meant.  On the other side of the road three vehicles in pieces and one was upside down. Traffic was stopped and down the road they were diverting I95 North. I know what that means too. So those people in the three cars were driving to or from work and never made it home. They may have thought they knew what was ahead of them for the day but their day ended at about 4:20 AM.

We think we know what the next year or 5 or 10 may hold for us. We plan and work for the future. I for one know the future is something to plan for but the present is for living. The present moment of every day is all we really have. Millions of moments in a day strung together that appear seamless but in reality are distinct and full of endless potential changes. The fact that we get through a day to eat the meal we planned to eat and watch a TV show do whatever we planned that evening is incredibly fortunate. The fact we get to do that night over night and we think that is just the way it will be. Linear thinking. We live in a non-linear disruptive world. 


Rachel

Offline Maddie

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Re: MTF in need of help 2
« Reply #31 on: April 04, 2020, 09:15:48 pm »
Hi Rachel.
I am coping and doing well, thanks for hoping.
Glad you checked in. 
Hope you already had it!

Lately I am getting that I do not get to control the future or conditions around me.

I am having a good moment in my apt.
Lights are low and there is peace here.
Good night

Offline Rachel

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Re: MTF in need of help 2
« Reply #32 on: April 07, 2020, 06:30:47 pm »
@Maddie, I a glad you are doing better. Realizing we do not having control and that we can plan and make preparations is a huge change for me. I can let go and live for me right now. Every moment is as important as the moment before and it may be our last. So it may not be XY or Z but it is something to enjoy and live. Regret is in my past.

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I filled out all the required paperwork for an on-line appointment with Dr. Rachel Wagner. I would like her opinion in my depth and labia and what she thinks or recommends I do. I am prepared if she says do nothing as a recommendation. I just will need to limit a partners either penetration or length. A thought is I go through this and have a small or medium sized partner.
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I am pretty sure I had covid 19 about 6 weeks ago. I had some of the symptoms but nothing major. I am hoping they come out with an anti-body test in wide distribution soon. Then there are 8 variations known to date so does having strain B mean I am lot going to get strain A.
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I was going to go to India and have a face lift around December, then voice was postponed and PPV is in limbo. Then some hair transplants and done. Transition just keeps going on.
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During all this mess I have only had 3 brief periods of suicide thoughts. Not bad, no ideation and only three perhaps 30 minute intense periods. Looking back the reason was because I am pretty much isolated and I was really lonely.

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Guy contacted me on Fet and seamed to like my body and wants to meet. I just think meeting someone now is difficult. The hall is safe but closed as well as all eating places and bars. Do I really want to meet and go to his house??? no.
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Electrolysis is on hold. My facial hair is not bad but I still need electrolysis. My hair is very resilient. It is very thin and light where I have it.

Rachel

Offline Rachel

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Re: MTF in need of help 2
« Reply #33 on: April 11, 2020, 09:38:01 pm »
I need to call Mazzoni and make sure I still have my appointment for late May. I want to use them for HRT and I want to get bloodwork at that time. I want then to prescribe estrogen cream and I want to do subQ E weekly and have transdermal T.

I will call Mazzoni Monday and confirmand and see if I can have scripts filled. Then I will let Papillion know I will be using Mazzoni until such time as they can do a physical that Papillion requires for their HRT program. I then can see if Mazzoni is working out or switchback to Papillion.

SOOOO, I use E cream and I want to continue using the cream. I use it on my face and under and around my eyes. The thought is it promotes collagen in the skin.
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So I replied to two guys from POF tonight. They had messaged me and they live close by so I messaged back. I get two to three guys a day messaging me. Maybe I am ready to meet someone for a relationship. I think my divorce was final June 26. 2016. This girl just wants to have fun and do things. Question is can a guy love me and accept me for who I am. I will not be a hidden secret.
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I so much want to fly to Florida and go to a beach. Some day. I hope the Jersey Shore is open this summer.
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Costco was pretty empty today. Everyone had on masks and did social distancing. They had skids of toilet paper. I got my usual stuff. Although I did get a 3 quart jug of EV olive oil on special. I use a lot of olive oil.
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I am going to the Park tomorrow morning. Hike :)
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I really need to get some spring clothes. :(  I use to buy on-line and now want to try cloths on to make sure they fit properly. Cool how thing have changed. I may just order a top or two to hold me over.
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I really an over the quarantine thing but I have a feeling it will be going on for a while. Even when the Q is over I think peeps will be squeamish to eat out or party. 
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The hall has been closed for a few months. I doubt it will reopen. Even if it does reopen I wonder if people will return.
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I really need to get back and finish electrolysis. Then there is voice and vaginal review in NYC.

SSDD,
Rachel



Offline Maddie

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Re: MTF in need of help 2
« Reply #34 on: April 14, 2020, 06:02:30 am »
Hi Rachel
Have you ever tried juggling, girl?  I bet you're good ;)

No doubt a guy can love an accept you as you are.  Trickier is one that's lovable and acceptable too.
You are smart, wise, and you have opitions swimming around your lines.

Even if the hall never reopens, you were there when it was. If it doesn't, you will be onto another chapter.
The book is reading you now.

It's good to be looking forward to things.  Words>plans>action
I am not looking forward to anything, not even going out again.
But will pretend that I am to trick myself out of depression.

Beaches are waiting for you

Offline Rachel

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Re: MTF in need of help 2
« Reply #35 on: April 14, 2020, 06:58:34 pm »
@Maddie, thank you for the kind words. I am sorry you are down. I know around me it is cloudy, rainy and chilly. I have felt the impact of being shut in with the exception of work and food shopping. I was going to go into work Sunday but my daughter texted and we walked in the state park.

Please hold on a little while longer, the quarantine will pass and it will be warm and sunny. At work I made a point to touch base with several units to make sure peeps are ok. I will meet with a few other groups tomorrow. 

I am so incredibly lucky, I have a job. I am very fortunate. The trans thing is something that is in the distance. Yes it will always be there but it is in the shadows. I hope you can get an opportunity to feel the warm sun on you skin and enjoy a summer breeze.
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So, I still have not messaged Papillion. They want a physical and medical and psychological history filled out by my PCP in order to continue with their HRT program. I am the same person and history as last year. I understand the bloodwork but the rest is unobtanium. I have a PCP visit via telehealth May 22. My HRT runs out before then. So I am on HRT plan B (conserving plan A). I also have HRT plan C. Plan B, 9 month supply of E pills and T gel for years. Plan C is a 6 month supply of E injectable and needles. So, I think it best to go back to Mazzoni and do frequent blood tests and with the doctor adjust my meds and tune them.

I think I will go back to the injectable with T gel. I will cross that bridge soon enough.
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The Park, I will start walks on Saturday and Sunday. It is the most beautiful place.
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At work last months run rates and annual projections were reviewed today. We lost a lot of money. May 31 we will learn how the future will change. I hope things improve drastically before then. I think elective surgery will start to be scheduled very soon. We are doing 70 of our outpatient visits virtually now. I think that will change permanently.

The Hospital and University next door stopped all construction that had not started. They have two buildings full of covid patients.

The City morgue is around the corner and it has two refrigerated tractor trailers parked in the lot.

I wonder if they remove restrictions how it will impact those that are high risk. I wonder how the 1917/18 pandemic changed social interactions after the pandemic was going on and after.
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Tomorrow is Wednesday and I will e-mail Papillion. I do not see another option.

Rachel
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Offline Rachel

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Re: MTF in need of help 2
« Reply #36 on: April 18, 2020, 11:22:12 am »
I received a call from Dr. Wagner's office for a verification of video telehealth call on May 5 at 1230 hrs. It will be more convenient than gong to NYU Hospital. With the current issues at that hospital I do not think they will be seeing patients until at least mid to late May for anything other than emergencies and urgent care.

I have instructions which I probable will go over several times and load the app on my phone and laptop at work. I can not imagine the video meeting to last more than 20 minutes so I may just do in in my office at lunch time.

So the issues I wanted to review with her are:

 1) My vaginal canal is approximately 10 cm or about 4 inches. With labia I am about 5 inches or about 13 cm. So I am shallow in vaginal canal depth. I lost about  2 inches of depth from GCS revision 2. This removed the ring of pain. It was scar tissue from an area of the graft that died. It was the entire circumference and it would shrink between dilations. Also there were large areas in the canal that had to have scarring removed.

2) I have labia which I am so very grateful for. That came with revision 3. I had fat injected into my labia area. I was a stitched balloon there. Anyhow, the fat injected stretched skin made some pretty labia. I also had additional scarring in the canal removed at this operation.

3) My vaginal canal is a bit horizontal instead of vertical. Purely cosmetic and just when I spread my legs. Not huge but if she is in there and with a knife why not correct that too.

So I would like a 15 CM canal, more distinct labia minora and a vertical canal opening. All in all I love my vagina and I am very thankful to Dr. McGinn for all the work she did. I would like some further review by another doctor. Dr. McGinn would not charge me for her work for the two revisions and I just will not ask her for more work. She wanted to do the two revisions and I am very thankful for her generosity. She will not do a PVV canal revision and I think that is the only way I can gain depth.

So I did not have any pain medication after the IV was removed for GCS. I had no pain meds for the revision #2

Revision 3 was by far the most painful. I swore off any additional surgery after that vaginal trauma. Well now I think I can manage some additional work.  I took two 5 mg tablets of some opiates for after the drive from New Hope for the post revision exam for revision 2.


My vagina does not define me. I love the way it looks. There are some depth issues but no one has complained.
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172.4 pounds today :) I have lost muscle from not being in the gum :( but all in all the body is looking good. I can not wait to go to the beach, if they open it. I do have dome loose skin and it has tightened up a bit. I am still loosing fat.

I shop at three stores. Costco for bulk items, Giant for Rebel ice cream (keto) and Lilly's chocolate bars (kito), Artisan cauliflower (keto) pizza,  salad and salad dressing (keto). Giant is 0 to 30% stocked. The items I want they are out of. I have gone at different days and times. So I went to Acne. They were better stocked.

I95 is a speed way to and from work. I have seen some pretty horrific accidents recently. Water and high speeds and  wind do not mix well.

I hope everyone develops a routine to help them get through this. I know it helps me. I think I had CV19 in late February. My symptoms were not as described with the early information. Later my symptoms were included. I never had a fever or coughs. I had:

light sensitivity for 2 weeks that got bad,
My eyes felt fry and the left one itchy,
My eyes were red, especially the left one,
My throat was ok, the place where my sinuses and throat meet was dry and lightly sore but when I drank it was fine.
Headache for 3 days (Thursday -Saturday),
tummy unsettled on Friday
Employee health visit Friday no temp, told I am ok.
tired and slept in Saturday and Sunday
Felt good that Monday and better, 100% Wednesday.

So did I have it?? I can not wait till the antibody test is out and I can know for sure.

Happy Saturday,
Rachel


« Last Edit: April 19, 2020, 08:22:35 am by Rachel »

Offline Rachel

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Re: MTF in need of help 2
« Reply #37 on: April 20, 2020, 07:24:14 pm »
Hair
So just before Pennsylvania issues a quarantine I had my hair cut and colored. I am looking at my hair and I 4 weeks I will either get to a salon or learn to color my hair.

The last salon (new) I went to gave me a more platinum blond look at the first 3 to 4 inches of hair. I did not like it at first but now I really an liking it. I wonder how they did it and just wonder if I could replicate it at home. Not that I have to get it done now but soon. When the stay is lifted I bet every woman will rush to make and appointment.

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HRT
I e-mailed Papillion. They said they would accept whatever documents Mazzoni would send them for a checkup and then my blood test. So do I spend $2,000 on HRT or $200 for a year??? I have my trans am in the shop and they are pulling the motor and doing the slave cylinder, oil pan gasket and head gaskets. So the $2,000 difference for HRT for 2 years pays for the work.

With Papillion I get a formulated E cream and I use it on my face as it increases collagen production. Great for around the eyes and dark circles (thin skin). Is $2,000 worth that. Can Mazzoni get me transdermal estradiol through the CVS formulary? I have the formulary and it is there. Will they prescribe it??  Any thoughts would be appreciated. I was thinking about transdermal E daily and subQ weekly with monitored E below 300 to 400 or in the area.

Rachel

Offline Maddie

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Re: MTF in need of help 2
« Reply #38 on: April 21, 2020, 04:27:21 am »
Hi Rachel.
You did say any thoughts appreciated;)
Is the TA your primary  transportation?
If not then my thought is spend the $2000 on yourself and let the car sit, or drive slow, whatever it's able to do now.  Please stay lucky on I95
I am feeling slightly unwell and hope it's nothing worse.
Thanks always for sharing details of surgeries and revisions. 

Offline Rachel

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Re: MTF in need of help 2
« Reply #39 on: April 26, 2020, 05:37:38 pm »
@Maddie, thank you for your support. I hope you can get out and into the sunlight. This weekend where I live it was beautiful Saturday and I walked 4.6 miles in the State park. I felt awesome getting out. Today it is raining and it is gloomy. Anyhow, I hop
e you can get out and feel the warm sun.

I have a 1999 30th anniversary Trans Am. I decided to get a cam/lifer/valves, hydraulic clutch slave cylinder, head gaskets and oil pan gaskets replaced. If I decide to sell it in the future I would be able to recover the cost and make it a much easier sale.
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May 31, 2020 is when the company I work for will make the plan going forward public knowledge. So I am nervous. I know that just because the first plan is released it does not mean another plan will be made at a later date. I guess going forward everyone is vulnerable and what I thought was stable is really just in my mind.

I heard this recently, you do not drown from falling into the river, you drown from not getting out.  Also, transition has taught me a lot about myself. Yet, in these times the potential of not having employment is very scary.
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Electrolysis is on hold. My third VFS is on hold. I am reverting back to Mazzoni for HRT. I will have a telehealth visit with Dr. Wagner May 5th to discuss a PVV revision.

I hope everyone has a good week,
Rachel

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