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MTF in need of help 2

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Rachel:
I just ordered a blue tie-dye Tankini on Etsy. There is another baiting suit I want too. I just need to buy the one for this summer and try on my other bathing suit.

Rachel:
When something is over let it go. I get another opportunity to practice.

Messaged my NPC to reduce or eliminate the SSRI. I do not think I need it any more.

There is a party this weekend and I am not going to go. Things are not normal and I think it is over. No words, absence of discussion and just a feeling. Three parties and I was specifically not invited. No calls and brisk when I call.

Change is not good or bad, it is what life is about. Even when things seam to remain the same they are not. Our desire to have things normalized creates a false sense of consistency. In reality all around us is chaos and we choose to not see it.

Rachel Lynn

davina61:
Sounds like the universe is plotting you a new heading , hopefully to calm waters .

Rachel:

@divina61, thank you for your support,
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So I was not going to go to the party tomorrow night. I spoke to M and T and then later E. E was eating with L before the Friday party. Erica handed the phone to L. L (He) said I am surprised you are not here tonight (he is the host). I said I was not invited. He said of course you are invited. Who said you are not invited.

I could focus on the inconsistencies or I can focus on the the positives. In looking at what occurred I could have reduced the amount of tension. I could have been more direct. So I am responsible for the tension.

I am so glad I practice, reply and do not react. I had a lot of things I could say but chose to focus on the relationship and my discontent.

 She answered the phone briefly tonight and said she would like to see me at the party tomorrow night.

One of the things I noticed was when I spoke to M and T, I gave them different information. Surprising how what E texted was about the information I shared with M and T. So M and T are conduits to E. T said that E was going to a party tonight.

So big question, what do I want.
 I want to explain why I have not gone to E's. Yet, I do not want to hurt E.  When I stay over E's there are some things that I have a difficult time with. Her bedroom has little lights from tech. I need total darkness. She uses a bed warming/ cooling unit and it makes a low noise. I find it hard to sleep with noise. I do not like sleeping on the right side of the bed. I do not like sleeping with someone.

When I stay over we do not do anything. I am referencing hikes or walks and going shopping. I want to do something.

We both like guys and we we not have a relationship more then platonic. M and T and I have a relationship more than platonic.

So I need to explain to E about why I am distancing. I love her and love seeing her. I have different sleeping patterns and sleeping needs. I want to do something when there and I want something more than platonic.  I just have a lot of difficulty telling someone the truth when it will not be positive.

I have been asked to sleep over peoples houses quite a few times. I just do not like how others sleep and their sleeping environment. This is my issue and not E.

I definitely can not discuss it at the party tomorrow. It will nice to see E, T and P and enjoy in the festivities. 

Rachel

Rachel:
Two weekends ago I did not go to the parties and stayed home. I had some pretty heavy depression hitting me and I decided to just stay home.

E is banned from now three party venues. She was banned by the third venue last Friday night. She also told L I am post op trans. He did not know. I have asked she not do that before and that really hurts. So next time I am with L all I will be able to think about is the betrayal, again.

E sent T a pic of a post op woman and under it she wrote orchi-plus, a real woman. T had just gotten an orchi. It is in really bad taste to invalidate someone, especially when that say they are your friend. T was crushed.

E and I do not have sex or even kiss. I think she does not find me attractive. She goes on her computer in bed and says, oh this woman is delicious and I would do xxxxxx with her. 

I want to be E's friend and I do care about her but not something more.

I need to talk to my therapist, think and reply in a thoughtful way.

So, I did not text M this weekend. I wanted to stop by his house Saturday but not last weekend. Instead I went to E, drove 93 miles to MAWA and fought NYC traffic on 287. Only to receive two texted yesterday basically calling it quite or at least how I interpret it.  She does not work and I work and I drive on a Friday evening to her 93 miles. The go home on Saturday at 11:30 to do things like food shop, package an order and practice the guitar and sleep in my own bed.

11:30 AM why is someone in bed anyway. I can not do that.

So a kind response to the two nasty texts will follow when I am in a clear mind to respond.

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I am awaiting inspection at work and they did not arrive today.

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Rachel

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