Topic: MTF in need of help 2

[Rachel]

@Rachel Montgomery, Nebula Genomics dit the 100% genome mapping for $ 300 and $200 for the analysis and access to the library.

I want to post the results somewhere and then link it on Susans.

I have some mental health issues like when exposed to trauma the ptsd there are hyper activity issues around the trauma.

There are so many things that relate to health, mental health, sexuality and gender that are spot on. 

[Rachel Montgomery]

Can they sell your I for to anyone else?  Or, is it purely confidential?

Insurance companies might use it to rate you up or deny you.

[Rachel]

@Rachel Montgomery, they say it is confidential. Who knows what is confidential and for how long.

There is a lot of information to go through and when I get home today I will look more. I am in southern Florida now. The plane is broken so who knows when I will get home.
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[Rachel]

I am back from Palm Beach. I went with my daughter and we had a great time. I offered to include my ex but she declined.

I noticed a lot of females with tattoo's and many with large and multiple tattoos.

West Palm Beach and the area is 100% mask for entry to restaurants and in stores. So what I have heard is not true. College students on break drunk and high on a beach does not portray where I was.

The plane to and from was packed. Restaurants were doing well and the beach was full and socially distanced.

Everything was very expensive. Many shops are empty, perhaps 20%. I do not know what it is usually like.

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I have been taking progesterone, pill and injection E and a small amount of T about 1/25 to 1/12.5 of a trans man maintenance dose, when I remember which is 75% of the time. Mostly when I take the T now it is the lower dose. I also just started taking a prolactin antagonist again (in low dose) and I will restart pumping.

I have noticed my breasts continue to grow. I am 40 to 50 pounds lighter than when I was going to the dungeon. I have 2 leather coats for there. One is very fitted. I have room in the waist now but very very tight in the bust with no bra on. So I know from that I am growing coupled with band reduction and cup increase I know I am growing. I will recheck earlier posts where I have measurements. I will compare and post. Nipples and areola are bigger but how much of that is from pumping I do know. The nipples although larger and not as large as from before my 5 week pumping break. Areola looks the same or bigger.

Rachel

[Rachel]

Trans study

The initial response from one person at work was not what I was expecting. In reality She is not a researcher and has a lot on her hands running the clinic. I will need to do the lifting. So next I contact some friends in Research and get some advise. Then I will formulate an initial e-mail followed by a meeting and a plan.

Not encouraging but not discouraging either. So I think it is going well so far.

A neck is a beautiful thing unless you are a turkey and it is around thanksgiving. I need to ask, gain friends and get momentum. I have no funds so money talks and I will need to get a post doc, a grant and a really compelling research study.

I am thinking about:
Y chromosome
5a reductase and dehydrogenase
sexuality ( there are actual genetics to sexuality and mine are 100% hetero, I agree 100%)
and question sets based on cis and trans and first incongruity

Any suggestions??
I am a PI on 1 past study, 1 present and 1 in at the institutional review board. They are for a Drexel researcher. I want to be collaborative and I want to share in the study with others. I think I will be able to find support. When I have that then I will go back to the first person and ask her again. I have an alternate as well.

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I shared my Nebula genome and report log on with my therapist and we will chat Sunday.
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1st time in the gym in 13 months. I will be sore tomorrow.

 Next month at work we will do an in person department head meeting at work. I am so excited. Tomorrows meeting is another Zoom.
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(Trigger Warning Rant)
 life as a trans-woman because I am not one of them. I am not cis and most think it is a choice. I want attention. I want special treatment. I am a joke. I am a trap. Some day I want to just be Rachel and not looking from the outside in. I want to be me and not stared at. I want that for all my peeps. I guess that is my trans agenda. I just want to be me and you, you. Seriously, who would want to be 100% of the time seen as something else by everyone?

[Rachel]

The rant from the 7th was due to a trans phobic jerk at work. Do not drink the poison waiting for the jerk to leave.
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Face lift

I want to have a lower and mid face lift. Due to money cost I was thinking about having it done in India or Thailand.  I do not know which is safer for trans. I do not know if Dr. Telang or a clinic in Thailand would be better. I need to wait till covide is in the rear view mirror too. Any suggestions would be helpful.

[RandiL]

I have been to Thailand. While I was only out part of the time there, it felt totally safe. Trans people are a common and accepted part of Thai culture. They still suffer some issues with respect and inclusion, but they are visible and I don't think there's a problem with violence. Especially for a westerner, and tourist.

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[Rachel]

@Randil, thank you. I was thinking about Thailand. I need to know where is a good place to go. I want to wait until covid is behind us a bit too.

[Rachel]

Trigger warning
Trigger warning

I went on an anti depressant but it caused me to sleep a lot. I was loosing weight because I would not eat at all when I went home and went to bed. So I stopped it. I am on another anti depressant but it will take 2 weeks to take effect.

I never think about the sexual abuse from when I was young. It resolved itself when they died and I said to myself to is over. I could not believe it but when I heard the news when the second person died I said in my head It is over. Then it was over. 

The physical abuse and mental abuse from my ex is over. It took me two years but now I know it was for the best for both of us. There was not way I could be subjected to that stress and make it.

So what is the issue now. I should be happy. I should be fine. Well, I think why go on. Some very ignorant people sometimes think they can unload their bigotry on me. I think winter was hard. Social isolation from covid. No gym. Work stress. Not hiking. I can list a lot. But what hurts the most is when I get rejected by a guy or not picked. I go to parties and I have sex but not anywhere as much as a cis woman. I get 25% of the vaginal and about the same for oral. If feels bad to not be accepted.

Maybe if I combine it all together it is a reason but I think It is me thinking what is next and why go on. What is the point.

I am going to a car meet up tomorrow and I will take my trans am. I may go to a party tomorrow night or I may stay in.

I really want a face lift but travel is out of the question right now.

I have had anxiety, insecurities, trust issues and depression all my life. Maybe I just hang a hat on the current issues and they are not the cause. I am getting help and all I can do is be honest and address it.

I rejoined the gym but was sick this week. So I did not go there. I want to do yoga there. I love to lift (love love love). So that will be good. Maybe the car meetup will be good. Now that is warmer I will restart hiking.  I need to gain some muscle and some fat. I have very little fat.

When has life not been a struggle? So we overcome obstacles. We endure. We live on until we do not.

My doctor asked if I have a gun in the house. I do but I told her it is unloaded and locked up. It is not but I am not going to shoot myself. I will not OD. I will not jump off a bridge. I rationalize if I hit an object on I95 most likely I will not die. I know asphyxiation is quick and painless if nitrogen ( I have studied the methods and percentages of success and pain levels) is used but I really do not want to die. I want to live. I want this damn depression, anxiety and mistrust of others to go away. That is what I really want.

Rachel

[Julie H]

Hugs.

I was terrified of going back on antidepressants, it was stuff like prozac that made me suicidal in the first place. Now I am on Duloxitine plus abilify which doesn't stop the depression but I am not nearly as suicidal when the time hits me. I sleep a lot because there is nothing that interests me anymore so I can stay awake and get more depressed or sleep. I plan on getting a cat, hopefully I will stay up more playing with them (probably a him) and hopefully they will help with my depression.

Hopefully you can get your meds sorted out so they work for you.

[RandiL]

Hi Rachel and Julie,

It is so hard feeling like you don't have much reason to live, to go on. I have felt that way at times too.

I hope you can get some things going that will give you purpose, joy and satisfaction. It's not happening quickly, but I still hope the pandemic will decline soon and we can have more social interactions. I need it, and I hope you can benefit too.
Hugs, Randi

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[Rachel]

 @Julie H, thank you. I was on Duloxitine. I can not say the dose here. I came home from work and sat on the bed to get changed. I awoke to the alarm for the next day for work. I had reduced motivation and some other nasty side effects. I am on Prozac now. i was told they can halve the dosage if it is too strong. So far so good. I get excited and when that happens my ASD signs show. It is embarrassing. My daughter and ex will coach me when we go out to remind me and in the moment there remind me. Anyhow I can get agitated. So far I feel level.

@RandiL, I went to a car meet up and saw my next car. A used Lotus Elise about 10 years old. Anyhow, I will need to fix the paint bumper nicks on the trans am and take it to the New Hope Car Show. Maybe I can sell it for 65% of a used Lotus Elise. I had a friend in group named Elise and she died on her 26th birthday. I have some deals going on on my side hustle maybe that will help too if it works out. I also found some new play mates that may work out. Gym day tomorrow, that helps.

I really want friends or play mates at least, some goals ( I paid for 2 courses for my license CEU's. It will give me credentials to work for a company and do some well paying side work. When I retire in 9 years I want to work a few days a week and this will pay well. I am working 4 side deals and I want a different fun car.

I hope the medication helps. I was told it may make me more awake and active. So far I just feel calm. I need to give it another week for the full effect. So far so good. I was on eslophram and high dose when I was actively trying to harm myself when in transition. It helped a lot but it sucked if I forgot a dose. I would keep some in my purse. I was on a high dosage of that too. You never wanted to miss a dose.

I had fun tonight and I drove to just outside NYC. It was a good trip I will not go into details here.

Voice is slowly still improving. I kind of like my voice now. I wish I went to Dr. Thomas first like I had planned. In my avatar you can see the trachea shave the other doctor did and the scar. Well Dr. Thomas fixed the scar and the bump is all gone

Rachel

[Rachel]

The medication I am on is helping. It does not make me tired. It does take the edge off. It will take 1.5 more weeks to be at full effect.

There is a party this weekend I may go to. I am selling a lot of stuff from my hobby and I think I will drop a lot of product off at a dealer Saturday. I am selling on-line too but I need funds for new purchases. Purchases to sell on-line. I think it is more a challenge to myself to balance all the different plates that are spinning. I need to keep busy. 

[Northern Star Girl]

@Rachel
Dear Rachel:
I am so glad to read that your medication is helping....   side effects, sure, but it is always a trade-off.  Obviously if the side-effects get to be too much and not within normal parameters, please contact your doctor...   every body reacts differently.

I am happy that your "hobby" is a money making adventure....  nothing better than a fun hobby that can bring in a few dollars... best of both worlds.   Buying products at a good price and then selling them with your added labor value is the heart of capitalism which makes the world go round.... and helps you to pay your bills. 

Ah, keeping busy is a good plan.... one of my favorite personal quotes that all of my friends hear me say often and that I like to spread around on the various threads here on the forums is:
          "Busy People are Happy People" 
Many times people with too much idle time on their hands can be quite miserable.

Thank you for sharing and posting....
HUGS,
Danielle

The medication I am on is helping. It does not make me tired. It does take the edge off. It will take 1.5 more weeks to be at full effect.

There is a party this weekend I may go to. I am selling a lot of stuff from my hobby and I think I will drop a lot of product off at a dealer Saturday. I am selling on-line too but I need funds for new purchases. Purchases to sell on-line. I think it is more a challenge to myself to balance all the different plates that are spinning. I need to keep busy.

[Rachel]

@Northern Star Girl, thank you for your support. You look cute in your new avatar pic.
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Medication, I found myself smiling this morning before my first staff meeting at 0530. I had YouTube on and listening to the Beatles. I was smiling and getting ready for the Teams meeting. Smiling is new. My anxiety is something I can see from a distance now when it is starting and realize I can do breathing exercises to reduce the stress. I have an issue with the vega nerve. So when I get blood drawn I can get really sick. I had my last covid study serology blood draw on Wednesday, it was a 1 year study. I felt the anxiety ramping up. I did some breathing exercises and I am thankful she got the vein on the first stick. Anyhow, I was able to realize my stress was causing the reaction.

I drove to a party right outside NYC last weekend. Wow, I can not believe I did that and a new venue too. I had no apprehension and anxiety.  One thing I can say is lube is your friend. Not having enough lube can result in labia being rubbed raw. So more is better than less.

Hobby, I have been selling on-line for 24 years. My goal is to put all proceeds into inventory for retirement. I purchase items that can not be made in the present or future so they have an increasing value as time goes on.

I keep extremely busy, every minute of the day. I always have.

[Rachel]

I was looking at my Avatar and I need to update it. The bump on my neck is gone and my hair is long. Plus I lost 50 pounds.

I am really starting to like the medication I am on. I have a Zoom meeting with my doctor Monday to see how it is helping. I think I will ask to increase the dosage. I only had one issue today. I had a depression issue since I was about 5. It got worse with time. It feels like I  have a continuous existential dilemma.  My father and brother died at 59, uncles that died at 48 to 60. I turn 59 the end of May. I do not drink or smoke, I eat really healthy and exercise (gym last night). My weight is low and I am low in fat. Insulin is awesome.

I eat at noon. I have a drink I now take. It is 2 scoops of freeze dried strawberries and 2 scoops of hydrolyzed fish collegian. It tastes ok. I may add some freeze dried cream.I take a lot of fish oils too.

There is a party tonight in Camden NJ but I am still recovering from last weeks party in New York. The one guy was very wide and average length. I did not have adequate lube and I need to heal. Plus there were lots of others. So lube is your best friend. There are a lot of parties and people are having fun. I have learned so much in my journey. Some day I hope the dungeon reopens. Some of my friends are going to BDSM events. I know this may sound strange but i love fire massages, flogging and thuddy. I guess stingy and thuddy together puts me into sub space but flogging and fire massage are just relaxing.

Tomorrow I have a health goal to hike. I have a health coach from work and a phone call every 2 weeks. I really do love the state park and I want to be there early. I am thinking 5 miles.

So a quiet night tonight and I want to hike and go to the gym tomorrow. Also cut the grass this weekend.

My daughter was accepted to the University of Pennsylvania for critical care Nurse Practitioner program. She is 23 and a lever 2 OR Critical Care Nurse.  I am really happy for her and proud of her. She is working this weekend but next weekend I hope we can hike together and get lunch.

[Rachel]

I wanted to get some Swiss Cheese when at the supermarket today. I went to the deli and got a sir. I was wearing a fitted top and shorts. Oh well, maybe it was the mask. 6'1" really has its challenges.

Went to the gym today and going to lunch tomorrow with my ex. I hope to get to the park tomorrow. I also want to make cucumber salad, yum.

[Rachel Montgomery]

But...where’s the new avatar?

[RandiL]

But...where’s the new avatar?

Well Rachel M, speaking of new avatars, I really like yours!

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[Northern Star Girl]

@Rachel
Dear Rachel:
I agree with  @Rachel Montgomery  .... we want to view your latest and newest Avatar....
Congratulations on losing 50 pounds and letting your hair grow out longer....
HUGS,
Danielle

I was looking at my Avatar and I need to update it. The bump on my neck is gone and my hair is long. Plus I lost 50 pounds.
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But...where’s the new avatar?