Author Topic: MTF in need of help 2  (Read 11772 times)

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Offline Rachel

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Re: MTF in need of help 2
« Reply #220 on: May 30, 2021, 07:46:02 pm »
@Julie H, thank you. The med really makes a difference. I still have sporadic periods that are pretty severe but they are much less often and they do not last anywhere as long. I still have destructive thoughts. For example today is the day before my birthday. I was thinking how different my birthdays are now.I will go to the gym tomorrow and get some groceries. I then thought about my 5th birthday. It was s really bad day that went on for a long time. There is nothing I can do to change what happened. I will never get over it and I came to the conclusion I do not have to get over it and it is ok to be upset about it. I then got out of it and returned to normal an hour later. So the med help me to get over bad memories and put them into perspective. I came away with it sucked, it was wrong, it changed my life and it is ok to hate what happened and I can not change it.

@RandiL, I really love the feeling after lifting. Also, I sleep very well after lifting. I see a lot of woman in the gym with bulk. I want muscle but not a lot of bulk. I keep forgetting to take my T so that does not help either. I think it has been a month.

When I say poly party it is friends getting together and playing. Not an official established relationship, it is for a period at the party. People there are very open and happy being together.

I want to ask at the next party where there are other parties. I know there is one in New Hope and that is a lot closer to me. I would like to find two or three other good parties with nice people. Parties that have people that play together regularly.

Rachel

MTF in need of help link https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,133631.1980.html
MTF in need of help 2 link https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,251825.0.html
HRT  5-28-2013
FT   11-13-2015
FFS   9-16-2016 -Spiegel
GCS 11-15-2016 - McGinn
Hair Grafts 3-20-2017 - Cooley
Voice therapy start 3-2017 - Reene Blaker
Labiaplasty 5-15-2017 - McGinn
BA 7-12-2017 - McGinn
Hair grafts 9-25-2017 Dr.Cooley
Sataloff Cricothyroid subluxation and trachea shave12-11-2017
Dr. McGinn labiaplasty, hood repair, scar removal, graph repair and bottom of  vagina finished. urethra repositioned. 4-4-2018
Dr. Sataloff Glottoplasty 5-14-2018
Dr. McGinn vaginal in office procedure 10-22-2018
Dr. McGinn vaginal revision 2 4-3-2019 Bottom of vagina closed off, fat injected into the labia and urethra repositioned.
Dr. Thomas FemLar 10/13/2020
Dr. Thomas laser vocal procedure 2/17/2021

Offline Northern Star Girl

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Re: MTF in need of help 2
« Reply #221 on: May 30, 2021, 10:04:18 pm »
@Rachel
Dear Rachel
All of us here on the Forums are wishing YOU
....a very :icon_flower: :icon_flower: Happy Birthday :icon_flower: :icon_flower:
I hope that your special day includes time with family and friends...
... with  Candles and CAKE.

***NOTE: On your May 31st birthday be certain to check your profile for a special birthday surprise! :)

Warm regards and best wishes on your special day and birthday.
HUGS  
Danielle
           
***SEE MY LINKS BELOW
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A New Chapter: ALASKAN DANIELLE's Chronicles
I am the HUNTED PREY: Danielle’s Chronicles
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Positive Mindset... put away negativity

Started HRT:   March 2015
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Quit my male-mode job and relocated to a very small town in Alaska in January 2017
I'm a blonde, blue eyed woman, Age 41

Offline davina61

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Re: MTF in need of help 2
« Reply #222 on: May 31, 2021, 05:19:48 am »
Have a good day dear, happy returns.
a long time coming (out) HRT 12 2017


Jill of all trades mistress of non
Know a bit about everything but not enough to be clever.
I get pushed out of shape and its hard to steer when I get rubber in all 4 gears (Beach Boys ,little deuce coupe)

Offline Chloe

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Re: MTF in need of help 2
« Reply #223 on: May 31, 2021, 07:45:35 am »

I am on 2 forms of E and a good dose of P. I see breast changes :). I keep forgetting to take the T.

        Rachel I feel like we're probably "lab rats", doctor says may one day publish in "journals", but may need to write our own books instead? You say "2 forms of E": do you take them simultaneous or alternate, one and then the other? Have an entire unopened case of "e-tabs", but haven't touched them since starting IM's last month.

        Also do you "cycle" the "P" (ie: days on/weeks off)? I suspect my breasts have finally, suddenly progressed into their next "stage" of development growth although "which one" cannot say, am currently doing "the cycle" . .

        lol May be "socially out" sooner than ever expected  . . but through THEIR choice not mine! Need to STOP procrastinating (like the COWARD I am!) and start working on more important things . . like complexion, makeup and hair?

I also 'ave retained "libido" but this "gender-fluid" routine *bites*,
don't think I'd ever want post-op "down there" but, then again,
ANYTHING "cis hetero" would be better than being "alone"!

(ps: Hope ya had a HAPPY B-DAY! Were NOT getting any younger! And with my "partner preference" still to be determined . . is there such a thing as a "pseudo, one-sided" lesbian? Hope ya don't mind my *burglarizing* your thread!)
"But it's no use now," thought poor Alice, "to pretend be two people!
"Why, there's hardly enough of me left to make one respectable person!"

Offline Rachel

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Re: MTF in need of help 2
« Reply #224 on: May 31, 2021, 10:04:51 am »
@Northern Star Girl, thank you for the birthday wishes.
@Davina61,thank you for the birthday wishes.

@Chloe, thanks for the birthday wishes.
You are not burglarizing the thread.

I have a lot of gene polymorphisms on my Y chromosome. 5 alpha reductase and 5 alpha dehydrogenase. So the Y chromosome polymorphisms means I am mosaic inter-sexed. the 5AR and 5AD polymorphisms means I have difficulty converting T to DHT and DHT to T. Also from estrogen to estradiol and back again. So I do sub Q injections of E and I swallow and pill, as perscribed. I take progesterone each night and do not cycle. I have heard about cycling and inserting it anally but my NPC and I have not discussed it so I have not done it. I keep forgetting to review the whole P thing with her when I see her. Maybe I should send her a message.

Chloe, coming out is not easy. Especially when there is a lot to lose and you have not experienced the gain. You are not a coward. I think we rationalize the potential for loss and the potential for gain and you have no experience of the gain. Our brains are wired for self protection so there is a lot of negative feedback to stop us from progressing.

What I thought was impossible is very possible. What I thought was something that would cause me to destroy everything did cause change and perhaps for the better in almost all instances. Yes, there is some loss. Some of the loss is going from a white male in management to a trans woman in management. There is a difference. I am divorced and I think that is for the best for both of us, trans issues aside. I still have my job and I think being trans in some odd way is looked at as a good diversity item where I work. Where I work they keep demographics of the work force as a whole and per unit.We have metrics we need to achieve.

Anyhow, we all transition at our own pace and it has a lot to do with safety and support. It has a lot to do with building agency. I did the one change per unit time. I chose per week. So I made a list of all the changes I wanted to make on the x axis. I made a time line, y axis and I made a time limit. Next I placed a change in sequence on the time line. My goal was one change (starting small) per week. Then as time went on there were some issues like coming out that would mean divorce. My boss forbid me from coming out and threatened my job. At some point along the way I grew my agency and was able achieve what I thought was impossible. I got information on an LGBT lawyer but never had to use her for work. My ex and I (we went out to dimmer last weekend, this weekend and most likely next weekend) see each other and are on friendly terms. Our daughter is 23 and is a critical care post op nurse and has started her studies to be a nurse practitioner at Penn. We see each other and hike some times together.

So my world is different. I am a woman and treated as such. In society some view trans MTF as a man that is gay, some see us as a trans woman and some see us as a woman. Some see us as a fetish. I see me as me. I am on a journey and it did not stop with coming out. I have experienced what few have experienced and have learned a lot. A lot about myself and a lot about others.

So here is my big dilemma.  With the pandemic ending, where I live, do I go back to wearing makeup (light) now that masks are not mandatory? Do I go back to the nail salon and get power nails again? Do I go to the gym today (yes). These are my immediate issues. I know I will go to the gym, I know powder nails are in my future (now what color, light pink? There are so many choices).  I will start to use some light makeup when where I work I do not have to wear a mask, unless I am in an area that required universal precautions.

 Life is pretty normal.

Rachel
 
MTF in need of help link https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,133631.1980.html
MTF in need of help 2 link https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,251825.0.html
HRT  5-28-2013
FT   11-13-2015
FFS   9-16-2016 -Spiegel
GCS 11-15-2016 - McGinn
Hair Grafts 3-20-2017 - Cooley
Voice therapy start 3-2017 - Reene Blaker
Labiaplasty 5-15-2017 - McGinn
BA 7-12-2017 - McGinn
Hair grafts 9-25-2017 Dr.Cooley
Sataloff Cricothyroid subluxation and trachea shave12-11-2017
Dr. McGinn labiaplasty, hood repair, scar removal, graph repair and bottom of  vagina finished. urethra repositioned. 4-4-2018
Dr. Sataloff Glottoplasty 5-14-2018
Dr. McGinn vaginal in office procedure 10-22-2018
Dr. McGinn vaginal revision 2 4-3-2019 Bottom of vagina closed off, fat injected into the labia and urethra repositioned.
Dr. Thomas FemLar 10/13/2020
Dr. Thomas laser vocal procedure 2/17/2021

Offline Chloe

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Re: MTF in need of help 2
« Reply #225 on: June 02, 2021, 05:58:31 am »
       Took my weekly IM this morning, definitely an "E rush". Having taken e-tabs for what seems forever (2006?) it's a great relief not to constantly have to think 'bout medical transition every day now it's something I simply look forward to, can concentrate on other things? Doc says rectal admin of P is best completely avoids liver processing and goes straight to "systemic system" with less effective loss.

Quote
Progesterone also has moderate anti-androgen benefits due to its effects in blocking gonadotrophins . . . It does wonders for restoring the libido of a patient without one whose testosterone is fully suppressed. Sometimes puncturing the capsule with a pin . .

I cut the end off a 3L kids medicine dropper and easily "oops" as far as possible.

         My daughter is also 23 studying at local Jr College to be a nurse but having second thoughts. She knows I'm very anti-medical establishment, they drove my older sister to drink, have NEVER worn a mask and would quit any job that forced "this or that" (ie: vaccinations). Sorry yet WOW am amazed at your list of "procedures" but with the exception of "bio-identicals" (and Casodex for 2-3 years) always hoped to remain "au natural" perhaps some minor FFS one day?

lol Suppose one can characterize THAT as "A Broke Transition" if like (an 'ex', two kids and 4 grands later)?

Quote
. . coming out is not easy. Especially when there is a lot to lose and you have not experienced the gain.

         Have always been very well-liked at work and THAT continues to this day. As a veteran 30 yr airline ticket agent I learned my job quite well and was popular as co-workers knew that they could always come to me for help. It's true what @Squeaky99 says the airlines, in general, had become very "liberal" as the caliber of those hired declined due to pay coming nowhere near keeping up with the rate of inflation. After the 2004 bankruptcy they greatly relaxed the strict male dress code (uniforms on-ramp were always "unisex"), many came "out", and my nickname became "ponytail" with many amusing stories to tell!

I was downstairs, "underwing" at the time, working the baggage room with people I liked and who liked me, until they started splitting us up (having too much fun with new one's coming in and always crying "help"?)

Nothing to lose, all to gain, is this why so many of us "wait"? Father knew, was surprisingly "accepting", but mom never did my parents divorced at a young age and did whatever it took to be with him!

Write more later, 'ave to WORK!
"But it's no use now," thought poor Alice, "to pretend be two people!
"Why, there's hardly enough of me left to make one respectable person!"

Offline Rachel

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Re: MTF in need of help 2
« Reply #226 on: June 04, 2021, 08:05:08 pm »
Party next weekend by New York, I am so excited and can not wait.

Boobs
My boobs continue to grow, slowly but they are growing. I have small buds again and  at times I am very sensitive. I have a bit of a conical shape again. I am a 38 DDD and my bra now has a bridge about 1.5 inches.I think I need a bigger cup. IDK,my breasts definitely look fuller and the nipples are rocking.

I will be doing a panel discussion at work about being trans and sharing my experiences at work and in community. That will definitely be very interesting. As you may guess, I do not hold back much but I need to be mindful of the intent and impact of my statements.

I am very concerned about CVS and their inability to source estradiol. I will call Mazzoni Walgreens Monday and see if they have any.

Rachel
« Last Edit: June 05, 2021, 06:44:49 am by Rachel »
MTF in need of help link https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,133631.1980.html
MTF in need of help 2 link https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,251825.0.html
HRT  5-28-2013
FT   11-13-2015
FFS   9-16-2016 -Spiegel
GCS 11-15-2016 - McGinn
Hair Grafts 3-20-2017 - Cooley
Voice therapy start 3-2017 - Reene Blaker
Labiaplasty 5-15-2017 - McGinn
BA 7-12-2017 - McGinn
Hair grafts 9-25-2017 Dr.Cooley
Sataloff Cricothyroid subluxation and trachea shave12-11-2017
Dr. McGinn labiaplasty, hood repair, scar removal, graph repair and bottom of  vagina finished. urethra repositioned. 4-4-2018
Dr. Sataloff Glottoplasty 5-14-2018
Dr. McGinn vaginal in office procedure 10-22-2018
Dr. McGinn vaginal revision 2 4-3-2019 Bottom of vagina closed off, fat injected into the labia and urethra repositioned.
Dr. Thomas FemLar 10/13/2020
Dr. Thomas laser vocal procedure 2/17/2021

Offline Rachel

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Re: MTF in need of help 2
« Reply #227 on: June 10, 2021, 07:02:48 pm »
OK, I just returned from CVS after a discussion with the Pharmacist. They had the name brand injectable estrogen but they can not get the generic. My co-pay is $20 for generic and $50 for name brand if there is a generic. I got the name brand because I do not want to run out.

While standing in the spread out line up an isle and woman passed by me and made a comment to the effect I am tall. For a moment I thought <poo> I hate being tall. Then I thought I passed as a tall woman. Cool. I guess I can live with that :)
----------------------------

I took off tomorrow to bring some stuff to a dealer to sell for me on consignment. I need to raise some money to fund something.
----------------------------

Party by NYC Saturday. I am very excited.
---------------------------

Meds
The ssir is working wonders for me. I actually want to live and I am getting things done I put off. I am so much calmer now.
---------------------------
Left rear carotid artery is 16 to 49% blocked.

So I am starting to put some thing together. I had to take potassium due to low potassium. Why? I had my genome mapped and I have a high probability for high cortisol. Guess what makes potassium low, cortisol. So I had my cholesterol panel take 212 total/84 hdl/ULD LDL 27/ LDL 101. The LDL and VLD LDL are in range and the good cholesterol is high (60 is the high limit), sounds good right. Well guess what can make HDL bad? C reactive protein. Guess what causes C-reactive protein? Inflammation.  Guess what causes inflammation? Cortisol.

I am doing research on processes that cause artery blockages. So my very low cholesterol is in limits. It is caused by sugar. I eat keto and do time restricted feeding. I am on and SSRI that greatly reduces stress which causes high cortisol. I have issues with parents and grandparents with strokes and heart attacks.  I need to talk to the specialist for next steps. I want the issue corrected and see what I need to do to increase my health span. I really want to live and live a healthy life.

Rachel


poo, really !! do you think I would type poo, LOL.


« Last Edit: June 11, 2021, 06:27:22 pm by Rachel »
MTF in need of help link https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,133631.1980.html
MTF in need of help 2 link https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,251825.0.html
HRT  5-28-2013
FT   11-13-2015
FFS   9-16-2016 -Spiegel
GCS 11-15-2016 - McGinn
Hair Grafts 3-20-2017 - Cooley
Voice therapy start 3-2017 - Reene Blaker
Labiaplasty 5-15-2017 - McGinn
BA 7-12-2017 - McGinn
Hair grafts 9-25-2017 Dr.Cooley
Sataloff Cricothyroid subluxation and trachea shave12-11-2017
Dr. McGinn labiaplasty, hood repair, scar removal, graph repair and bottom of  vagina finished. urethra repositioned. 4-4-2018
Dr. Sataloff Glottoplasty 5-14-2018
Dr. McGinn vaginal in office procedure 10-22-2018
Dr. McGinn vaginal revision 2 4-3-2019 Bottom of vagina closed off, fat injected into the labia and urethra repositioned.
Dr. Thomas FemLar 10/13/2020
Dr. Thomas laser vocal procedure 2/17/2021

Offline davina61

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Re: MTF in need of help 2
« Reply #228 on: June 11, 2021, 02:11:53 am »
Its not a bad thing being tall (5. 10 here) as I helped a lady get some things from top shelf in supermarket. They have put ne racking in and any one below 5.6 struggles to reach. She was only 5ft and cold just touch top shelf with finger tips, must have thanked me 10 times!!!
a long time coming (out) HRT 12 2017


Jill of all trades mistress of non
Know a bit about everything but not enough to be clever.
I get pushed out of shape and its hard to steer when I get rubber in all 4 gears (Beach Boys ,little deuce coupe)

Offline Rachel

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Re: MTF in need of help 2
« Reply #229 on: June 11, 2021, 07:33:10 pm »
@davina61, thank you. I have very long legs and I have had compliments. I have had woman say they wish they were tall too. I think in the end I need to just accept it and move on.

So today I took off and took some of my collection to a dealer at a show. It is a type of show that is very large and they sell a lot of product. Anyhow, it is mostly Trump supporters there. I wore a skin tight top and shorts. I am thin and have a 38DDD so it was fun to watch the guys. I do not care what they think and quite a few guys were staring at me. I have no idea what they were thinking but I think I know what. I raised a little over a third of the funds needed for my new purchase. I have a lot of product to sell and it is selling so I will have the funds for my new purchases.

Party
Tomorrow I will go go to the gym and be by NYC at 5 PM for a party. I was well received at the last party so I hope that continues and I find a few more locations for parties. Once a month is definitely not enough. I stopped going to the Friday night parties in West Camden. They are late parties and the guys are not that accepting.

Hair
I will give it a while longer and see how I like my natural color. If I do not like it I will color it.

Rachel

MTF in need of help link https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,133631.1980.html
MTF in need of help 2 link https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,251825.0.html
HRT  5-28-2013
FT   11-13-2015
FFS   9-16-2016 -Spiegel
GCS 11-15-2016 - McGinn
Hair Grafts 3-20-2017 - Cooley
Voice therapy start 3-2017 - Reene Blaker
Labiaplasty 5-15-2017 - McGinn
BA 7-12-2017 - McGinn
Hair grafts 9-25-2017 Dr.Cooley
Sataloff Cricothyroid subluxation and trachea shave12-11-2017
Dr. McGinn labiaplasty, hood repair, scar removal, graph repair and bottom of  vagina finished. urethra repositioned. 4-4-2018
Dr. Sataloff Glottoplasty 5-14-2018
Dr. McGinn vaginal in office procedure 10-22-2018
Dr. McGinn vaginal revision 2 4-3-2019 Bottom of vagina closed off, fat injected into the labia and urethra repositioned.
Dr. Thomas FemLar 10/13/2020
Dr. Thomas laser vocal procedure 2/17/2021

Offline RandiL

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Re: MTF in need of help 2
« Reply #230 on: June 11, 2021, 09:41:05 pm »
Rachel so cool what you've found with your research into the interconnected aspects of your health. If you have good specialists you are the best of patients. Otherwise you are the patient from hell lol.

I am also 6'2". It has been a struggle to accept its impacts on passing. Your story gives me hope.

Sent from my dual-floppy Victor 9000 using Tapatalk

Forging my new, best life as Randi

My personal blog thread: Randi the lost traveler, finding the right road at last

My HRT thread: Randi's HRT Journal


Offline Rachel

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Re: MTF in need of help 2
« Reply #231 on: June 13, 2021, 07:08:50 pm »
@RandilL, thank you. Being tall is definitely a challenge. I think being thin helps.

I guess I pass ok. I was at a party, third time and the guys never said anything or asked and they definitely got a good look. So either they are ultra accepting or they see a tall woman.


MTF in need of help link https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,133631.1980.html
MTF in need of help 2 link https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,251825.0.html
HRT  5-28-2013
FT   11-13-2015
FFS   9-16-2016 -Spiegel
GCS 11-15-2016 - McGinn
Hair Grafts 3-20-2017 - Cooley
Voice therapy start 3-2017 - Reene Blaker
Labiaplasty 5-15-2017 - McGinn
BA 7-12-2017 - McGinn
Hair grafts 9-25-2017 Dr.Cooley
Sataloff Cricothyroid subluxation and trachea shave12-11-2017
Dr. McGinn labiaplasty, hood repair, scar removal, graph repair and bottom of  vagina finished. urethra repositioned. 4-4-2018
Dr. Sataloff Glottoplasty 5-14-2018
Dr. McGinn vaginal in office procedure 10-22-2018
Dr. McGinn vaginal revision 2 4-3-2019 Bottom of vagina closed off, fat injected into the labia and urethra repositioned.
Dr. Thomas FemLar 10/13/2020
Dr. Thomas laser vocal procedure 2/17/2021

Offline Rachel

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Re: MTF in need of help 2
« Reply #232 on: Yesterday at 09:49:47 pm »
I traded in my Rogue and got a 2 year old Jeep compass. The dealership had a pretty good supply of used cars but no new cars. They usually have many acres of new cars. The said the new cars are waiting for resistor chips. Unfortunately the Rouge needed $7500 in repairs due to rust. It was not worth getting it fixed. The new used car is very nice. I need it for work for the winter and my Honda CRZ is getting up there in miles and years. I guess my next car in 5-7  years, assuming the CRZ is worn out, will be an electric car for work commuting. I have no intention of ever retiring.

So everyone was very nice at the dealership :) . Everyone at the grocery store is nice and the gym too.

I have two on-line courses I will be taking soon. I must have it done before September.

We have a new chief scientific officer and I was thinking about sending her an e-mail about working on a project with a Post Doc. IDK, I think I will send the e-mail before the Wednesday panel discussion.

So I was thinking about Michael from the poly parties. We spend most of the night together at the parties and we really connect. I would really like it if we saw each other more than at the parties. He is a really nice guy. He is the first guy I thought about a potential relationship since transitioning. I think about him every day. NYC is a long way from where I live but doable.

So I am trying to learn to play my right hand base and left hand six string electric guitar. I will call Pats and get some music lessons. I want to get a new strap for the 6 string like I have on the base and I need a gig bag, especially if I take lessons. I really like playing the guitar. I love the base.

I need to get to the gym tomorrow morning early and go to lunch with my ex. I need to go to Costco in the afternoon. Interesting as life is becoming more normal post transition and post covid.

I have a panel discussion Wednesday about dead naming and pronouns for work. The medical staff get CEU's for the event. So it will be well attended (virtual panel discussion). I have a 3 foot by 5 foot trans flag and several t-shirts on my wall. The t-shirts are work shirts like my Bio-Response T-Shirt and I love XXXX(where I work) and the like. I ordered the flag a week ago and I put it up Friday. It took me a while to wear a Pride Lanyard (work provided) and Pronoun Card (work provided).

 I do not know if it is the medication I am taking but I am feeling pretty good. Music sounds incredible, I do not need to wear sunglasses when outside. I am able to do thing I use to constantly think about but not do. I am a lot more calm. I sleep well. I can make decisions much easier.

Rachel



MTF in need of help link https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,133631.1980.html
MTF in need of help 2 link https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,251825.0.html
HRT  5-28-2013
FT   11-13-2015
FFS   9-16-2016 -Spiegel
GCS 11-15-2016 - McGinn
Hair Grafts 3-20-2017 - Cooley
Voice therapy start 3-2017 - Reene Blaker
Labiaplasty 5-15-2017 - McGinn
BA 7-12-2017 - McGinn
Hair grafts 9-25-2017 Dr.Cooley
Sataloff Cricothyroid subluxation and trachea shave12-11-2017
Dr. McGinn labiaplasty, hood repair, scar removal, graph repair and bottom of  vagina finished. urethra repositioned. 4-4-2018
Dr. Sataloff Glottoplasty 5-14-2018
Dr. McGinn vaginal in office procedure 10-22-2018
Dr. McGinn vaginal revision 2 4-3-2019 Bottom of vagina closed off, fat injected into the labia and urethra repositioned.
Dr. Thomas FemLar 10/13/2020
Dr. Thomas laser vocal procedure 2/17/2021

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