Author Topic: Ftm drag king that just needs some help with an alcoholic sibling.  (Read 319 times)

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Offline Hellboi

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So my sister is an alcoholic. She has a dui and is on probation. She goes out a lot after her curfew that's 10 pm, a lot. Her probation officer came over the other night when she wasn't home and I had to answer the door and deal with it. I love her very much but she brings a lot of toxicity into my life. She financially <screwed> me and I had to quit school and move out of our apartment. I moved back home because I was in debt, and she followed, because she too couldn't live anywhere else.

She got drunk tonight, she drinks maybe one to two bottles of wine a night. I was practicing my drag makeup. I used to work in my old town and perform, but I've been out of the business for a while. So she calls our local gay bar. She talks to one of the managers and gets me a drag gig. Which is great, but she's super drunk and says, we need to go there now. And I'm like, that's not what they said? Also you legally cannot be out after 10, let alone a place that serves alcohol...

So shes pumping me up for this drag gig tomorrow night and it hurts so I can't bring her but I want to? I don't even want to go but I really want to. I could even get in for free. I just can't trust her. Right after the situation she left (at 11 pm) and went to buy more wine. I'm sorry it just hurts. I told my dad, who lives with us, and he doesn't want anything to do with it...even though she doesn't pay rent?

I'm sorry I just don't have anyone to help me. I'm trying to be an artist and keep doing T and keep my <not allowed> job...I just want to move out really bad. I'm trying to save my money. Thanks for anyone reading this...

Offline Jeanne

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Re: Ftm drag king that just needs some help with an alcoholic sibling.
« Reply #1 on: February 21, 2020, 09:03:49 pm »
Hey Hellboi,

That really sounds like an overwhelming situation.  I'm sorry that you're having to go through it.  I've faced similar stuff with friends, and I can only imagine what it would be like with family.

(a side note: I wrote the following and then realized that it's a huge amount of advice.  Please take whatever you like and ignore the rest.  I hope that some of it helps, but you're already dealing with enough, and the last thing that I want to do is add to your burden.)

Is there anywhere close that might have a queer-friendly AA or Al-Anon group, or someplace where you can vent locally?  Honestly, the bartender or bar manager may be a good person to ask.  I'm not punting with this.  I want to hear anything and everything you want to say and help if I can.  I just think that face to face talk may also help.

I had a lot of alcoholic and addicted friends years ago, and the main thing that I learned was that we had no power over an alcoholic or addict's decisions.  That may sound cold or maybe obvious, but you didn't cause any of it and you can't control or cure any of it.  It's just not yours to do.  Alcoholism really is a disease, and it messes with the decision making process.  Your sister may still be responsible for her actions but her decision making may be faulty, and you aren't obligated to follow her down any rabbit holes.

What you can do is this: you can do whatever you want as long as you are willing to face the consequences.  You are well within your rights to tell the probation officer the truth (It will keep you out of jail.)  You are well within your rights to have a discreet talk with the bar manager and arrange your own shows.  You are also well within your rights to get out of the situation if you rationally decide that it is best to leave.  Basically, you don't need to feel obligated, pushed or bullied into supporting her behavior.

Call it serenity, peace of mind or whatever, it might help if you can find ways to detach and take care of yourself and be yourself.  Meditation may help.  Buddhism seems to be designed around this need.  There may be things that you just like doing, so do them and feel good about yourself.

The main thing though is that it's her drama.  The circumstances may make it difficult, but you have no obligation to be any part of her drama.  You can love your sister and still maintain your personal boundaries.

Offline Hellboi

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Re: Ftm drag king that just needs some help with an alcoholic sibling.
« Reply #2 on: February 24, 2020, 02:25:45 pm »
Hey thank you so much. Everything you said is right on target. It feels good to just have someone state the facts. Thanks. Just gotta move on and be around better people.
Thanks for taking the time to write.

Offline MistressStevie

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Re: Ftm drag king that just needs some help with an alcoholic sibling.
« Reply #3 on: February 24, 2020, 11:32:22 pm »
Dealing with alcoholics and any addict is hard.  Two fundamental things I have learned:

1.  It is not my job, nor am I responsible for fixing, curing, or otherwise taking care of an addict. 
     That does not mean I cannot help when I can do so safely, but it certainly means that I am not
     responsible for their outcomes.   Nor is it my place to enable their continued behavior.   

2.  Living with an addict will always be challenging as their addictions come first in their world and
     thus they are capable of all manner of exploiting those around in furtherance of said addiction.
     The safest place for me to be then may be the one with significant distance and/or boundaries.   

Offline MeTony

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Re: Ftm drag king that just needs some help with an alcoholic sibling.
« Reply #4 on: February 25, 2020, 02:04:13 am »
As a sober alcoholic for little over 10 years I can say that YOU CAN’T CHANGE HER! She needs to do it herself. Don’t burn yourself out trying to save her. You can’t, until she hits rock bottom and truly wants to quit.

Find an Al-Anon group where you can vent and find strength to continue, not for her but beside her. Her addict affects you more than you think. You need other people to talk to. People that are or have been in the same situation as you.

Alcoholism is a liar’s illness. Lies surrounded me every day. Lies to keep drinking. Lies to other people. Lies to myself.

Find help for yourself. Don’t abandon your sister but at the same time you have to read up on addictions. How they work. About the lies. Don’t make it your goal to change her. Because you can’t.