Author Topic: Pammie’s all new blog  (Read 61798 times)

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Offline Pammie

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Re: Pammie’s all new blog
« Reply #1540 on: July 19, 2021, 02:14:21 pm »
Andy kinda looks a bit like Alan Bennett, but happier. ;D
Hee hee, that’s true!


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Offline Pammie

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Re: Pammie’s all new blog
« Reply #1541 on: July 19, 2021, 03:05:45 pm »
Granpam duty this week as it’s school summer holidays already!
It’s good really as I don’t focus on my Siobhan’s second angelversary on Saturday



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Offline Sephirah

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Re: Pammie’s all new blog
« Reply #1542 on: July 19, 2021, 03:23:22 pm »
Granpam duty this week as it’s school summer holidays already!
It’s good really as I don’t focus on my Siobhan’s second angelversary on Saturday



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The kids have been off school more than they've actually been at school over the past couple of years. I think I would look at the summer holidays and be like "Yeah... erm, been there done that!" :D

Pammie, don't focus on it, okay? She is still with you. The ones we love are never gone as long as we don't forget them. As long as we keep them with us, they stay with us. I know you will because, like you, I have people I've lost and it's hard not to. My mum's birthday was 4 days ago and where did I spend that day... yeah... the cemetery. Saying it is one thing, doing it is another.

But just remember... she will never leave you, Pammie. Or her kids. People are never gone while ever we don't forget them. That's all we have in this world. The legacy we leave for others. She is with you all, always. <3

Offline Pammie

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Re: Pammie’s all new blog
« Reply #1543 on: July 19, 2021, 04:26:55 pm »
The kids have been off school more than they've actually been at school over the past couple of years. I think I would look at the summer holidays and be like "Yeah... erm, been there done that!" :D

Pammie, don't focus on it, okay? She is still with you. The ones we love are never gone as long as we don't forget them. As long as we keep them with us, they stay with us. I know you will because, like you, I have people I've lost and it's hard not to. My mum's birthday was 4 days ago and where did I spend that day... yeah... the cemetery. Saying it is one thing, doing it is another.

But just remember... she will never leave you, Pammie. Or her kids. People are never gone while ever we don't forget them. That's all we have in this world. The legacy we leave for others. She is with you all, always. <3
Thanks Sephirah, I am doing pretty well at the moment, I talk about my little girl pretty much every day to anyone dumb enough to stand still in my presence and I really do believe that she will always be with me.
I spent a lovely 30 mins at her graveside today and I talked to her a little. In return she delivered me some bunny rabbits to watch.
Oh I know I’ll be a mess on Saturday and on lots of other days to come but that’s ok, you know? Xx


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Offline Sephirah

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Re: Pammie’s all new blog
« Reply #1544 on: July 19, 2021, 04:31:16 pm »
Oh I know I’ll be a mess on Saturday and on lots of other days to come but that’s ok, you know? Xx

I'll try to be here, sweetie. I know what you're going through. Grief is something which is a hard cross to bear... but that's why you need people around you who care. <3 You can't, and shouldn't have to go through it alone, okay?

Listen, if you ever want to vent... about anything, just shoot me a PM okay? Sometimes it helps just to get it all out. I'm a good listener. :)

Offline Pammie

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Re: Pammie’s all new blog
« Reply #1545 on: July 19, 2021, 04:46:04 pm »
I'll try to be here, sweetie. I know what you're going through. Grief is something which is a hard cross to bear... but that's why you need people around you who care. <3 You can't, and shouldn't have to go through it alone, okay?

Listen, if you ever want to vent... about anything, just shoot me a PM okay? Sometimes it helps just to get it all out. I'm a good listener. :)
Thank you so much! I really appreciate that!
I’ve learned already that grief is not subject to normal rules nor is it controllable but it is possible to accept that some days will be a write off but there will be good days too. The hole in my heart isn’t healing and won’t heal but I’m living with it xxx


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Offline Pammie

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Re: Pammie’s all new blog
« Reply #1546 on: July 21, 2021, 03:25:51 pm »
I’ve walked the 7km round trip to sit by my little girl’s grave and chat to her 3 days on the trot now and am finding a tranquil calm and peace there that I hadn’t expected. Saturday is Siobhan’s second angelversary and this evening I was telling her it was ok that on Saturday many people would be thinking of her and remembering her - that I’d handle that and that, come Sunday I’d be here still. For every day until I join her, of course.
In a little oasis of calm.




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Offline Julie H

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Re: Pammie’s all new blog
« Reply #1547 on: July 21, 2021, 05:15:18 pm »
Hugs
Julie

Offline davina61

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Re: Pammie’s all new blog
« Reply #1548 on: July 22, 2021, 01:25:28 am »
Big hugs from me as well dear, your grand kids are filling your heart with love XX
a long time coming (out) HRT 12 2017


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Offline Northern Star Girl

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Re: Pammie’s all new blog
« Reply #1549 on: July 22, 2021, 12:37:44 pm »
@Pammie
Dear Pammie:
Thank you for sharing from your heart....
I trust, hope and pray that your sadness is overshadowed by your happy memories.


HUGS and more HUGS...
Danielle

I’ve walked the 7km round trip to sit by my little girl’s grave and chat to her 3 days on the trot now and am finding a tranquil calm and peace there that I hadn’t expected. Saturday is Siobhan’s second angelversary and this evening I was telling her it was ok that on Saturday many people would be thinking of her and remembering her - that I’d handle that and that, come Sunday I’d be here still. For every day until I join her, of course.
In a little oasis of calm.




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Offline Pammie

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Re: Pammie’s all new blog
« Reply #1550 on: July 22, 2021, 04:36:09 pm »
@Pammie
Dear Pammie:
Thank you for sharing from your heart....
I trust, hope and pray that your sadness is overshadowed by your happy memories.


HUGS and more HUGS...
Danielle

Thanks Danielle!
Im still doing OK, I spent another 15 mins today with Siobhan and again no tears!  Saving them for Saturday xxx
Worked until 10pm after my walk so hot tub time!



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Offline Sephirah

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Re: Pammie’s all new blog
« Reply #1551 on: July 24, 2021, 04:30:36 pm »
How're you doing, Pammie?

*massive hugs*

I know today was hard for you. But think of it this way... it was another year you had the best person in your world there with you. Watching over you. Not in flesh, but in the way which matters. In spirit. <3

Offline Pammie

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Re: Pammie’s all new blog
« Reply #1552 on: July 25, 2021, 01:54:23 pm »
How're you doing, Pammie?

*massive hugs*

I know today was hard for you. But think of it this way... it was another year you had the best person in your world there with you. Watching over you. Not in flesh, but in the way which matters. In spirit. <3
Thanks Sephirah!
Im just disappointed with myself for not handling it better. Sometimes it’s just too much. One day when I wanted to be in control of my emotions and I failed. Bad Pammie


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Offline Sephirah

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Re: Pammie’s all new blog
« Reply #1553 on: July 25, 2021, 02:11:42 pm »
Thanks Sephirah!
Im just disappointed with myself for not handling it better. Sometimes it’s just too much. One day when I wanted to be in control of my emotions and I failed. Bad Pammie


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That's the thing about emotion, Pammie. It's the illusion of control. Emotions come from the deepest parts of us, okay? The parts of us that were around at the dawn of civilisation. They're older and more primal than anything we have learned in our surface conscious minds. They often rule us because they're like the little alien from Men In Black. They push all the buttons.

As a species we're driven by instinct and emotion. Don't be disappointed, sweetie. Embrace your emotions. Accept them as a part of you. Some might say the most important part of you. What we say isn't nearly as important as how we feel. Losing the light of your life is something no one can ever really get past. It's not something you rationalise away. It's a hole in your heart that can never be filled. And it can only be that way because of the emotional investment you have. It's the only way people can care about other people, Pammie. That emotion is both our greatest weakness and our greatest strength.

To feel nothing is a horrible way to live. I spent a while doing it after my... incident. Trust me. Being a machine is not the way to live.

There is no "better", Pammie. There is just how you feel. Not bad Pammie. Beautiful Pammie. Your little girl knew that. I know it. Your grandkids and your son in law knows it. Andy knows it. Your emotions make you beautiful. To be vulnerable isn't a crime, it's part of being human. Maybe the world wouldn't be the way it is if more people admitted their own vulnerabilities.

*massive hugs*

<3

Offline Pammie

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Re: Pammie’s all new blog
« Reply #1554 on: July 25, 2021, 02:36:23 pm »
That's the thing about emotion, Pammie. It's the illusion of control. Emotions come from the deepest parts of us, okay? The parts of us that were around at the dawn of civilisation. They're older and more primal than anything we have learned in our surface conscious minds. They often rule us because they're like the little alien from Men In Black. They push all the buttons.

As a species we're driven by instinct and emotion. Don't be disappointed, sweetie. Embrace your emotions. Accept them as a part of you. Some might say the most important part of you. What we say isn't nearly as important as how we feel. Losing the light of your life is something no one can ever really get past. It's not something you rationalise away. It's a hole in your heart that can never be filled. And it can only be that way because of the emotional investment you have. It's the only way people can care about other people, Pammie. That emotion is both our greatest weakness and our greatest strength.

To feel nothing is a horrible way to live. I spent a while doing it after my... incident. Trust me. Being a machine is not the way to live.

There is no "better", Pammie. There is just how you feel. Not bad Pammie. Beautiful Pammie. Your little girl knew that. I know it. Your grandkids and your son in law knows it. Andy knows it. Your emotions make you beautiful. To be vulnerable isn't a crime, it's part of being human. Maybe the world wouldn't be the way it is if more people admitted their own vulnerabilities.

*massive hugs*

<3
Words fail me Sephirah, that’s so insightful, helpful and supportive.
Thank you so very much.I feel better for reading that and considering your words.
You are an absolute treasure xxxx


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Offline Pammie

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Re: Pammie’s all new blog
« Reply #1555 on: July 29, 2021, 04:13:25 pm »
I’ve had a tough few days since my Siobhan’s second angelversary. I did so well in the run up then crumbled on the day. I sank quite deep with all the tears and heartbreak
Silly really because every day is a challenge and I need to face it and conquer my demons!
This evening I spent an hour at Siobhan’s grave and told her what a sorry cow I’d been and that I was going to get back to a positive state. She sent me a bunny rabbit too watch and I marvelled at it’s joie de vivre




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Offline Sephirah

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Re: Pammie’s all new blog
« Reply #1556 on: July 29, 2021, 04:50:19 pm »
I’ve had a tough few days since my Siobhan’s second angelversary. I did so well in the run up then crumbled on the day. I sank quite deep with all the tears and heartbreak
Silly really because every day is a challenge and I need to face it and conquer my demons!
This evening I spent an hour at Siobhan’s grave and told her what a sorry cow I’d been and that I was going to get back to a positive state. She sent me a bunny rabbit too watch and I marvelled at it’s joie de vivre

Pammie, two years is nothing compared to a lifetime. It's okay to miss her. It's okay to cry. It's okay to grieve.

It's not silly, sweetie. And you're not being a "sorry cow.", okay?

The people who impact our lives the most, do so forever. To not feel their loss, especially around the time it happened, is inhuman. It's been almost 10 years since my mum died, and I still go to her grave on her birthday (which was earlier this month) and on mother's day. And I still lose control, and mostly sob like a 2-year old. Even though I tell myself all the things I tell you... emotion is emotion. When someone matters to you, their loss is like a knife to the soul. It's not something you just get over. Or ever likely will get over. Even though you know you shouldn't be crying like someone just took the cookie jar away, you can't help it.

Yes I'm a big girl, I've done and seen things that people should not see. But the family I've lost will never stop mattering to me. And their loss will never stop hurting. Because if if ever does... then I'll know I've lost the part of me most important. The part of me that I can give to others. To be part of something more than myself.

This is how it is, Pammie. Never be sorry, and never feel like you're being dumb for feeling the way you do, okay? The second you lose that is the second you lose your humanity. And that, sweetie, is what makes you special.

*big snuggly huggles* <3

Offline Julie H

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Re: Pammie’s all new blog
« Reply #1557 on: July 29, 2021, 05:24:05 pm »
Hugs
Julie

Offline Emma1017

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Re: Pammie’s all new blog
« Reply #1558 on: July 30, 2021, 06:15:06 am »

Pammie I don't know if this helps but I promised my son that I would live every minute of my life with as much joy as I can because I know he wants me to do that.

I wish you peace and absolute joy as well,

Emma

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Offline Pammie

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Re: Pammie’s all new blog
« Reply #1559 on: July 30, 2021, 08:49:08 am »
Pammie I don't know if this helps but I promised my son that I would live every minute of my life with as much joy as I can because I know he wants me to do that.

I wish you peace and absolute joy as well,

Emma
I think that is why I get frustrated at myself Emma! I made my little girls 2 promises: 1. To help Dave (her hubby) as much as I can with the boys and 2. Pretty much exactly what you promised your son! Im doing ok in 1 but fail to often at 2. 2 is the harder ask I think and 97.57% of the time I do succeed. Thank you for your kind words and wishing you also peace and joy. Xxx


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