Author Topic: Discriminated for being Trans for the first time in over a year, feeling down  (Read 2042 times)

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Offline Miss Kitty

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Hey guys,

I have currently been experiencing a lot of dysphoria, though I haven't had any one say nasty comments to me over my gender (or misgender me) in around 18 months, I still get the feeling a lot people just "know" that I am trans. People stare at me way too long and some times little things will happen, like a group of people will start whispering when I walk by. I had hoped this was just me being paranoid for a good while, but 2 people have certainly now have worked it out. One co-worker tried to get me to confess for a while (I made a thread about that too, I still haven't told her anything) and one customer I dealt with flat out said "Hey! You used to be a boy!" (I didnt care too much because he went on a rank about protecting LGBT people immediately so I laughed the situation off).

I have been considering jaw surgery because it's the only thing I haven't had altered on my face and the only thing I can think of on my face that gives me away (I could be totally wrong of course, but I have an effeminate body, hair, manner etc).

To cut a long story short, yesterday I was shopping for groceries and despite being dressed well and having my usual makeup and hair done, a mother and her child walked past me and paused for a moment. I had the dreaded paranoia again that they had stopped to look at me. So ignored my feelings. A moment later the child yelled out "EW! That person is trying to be a woman!". I had tried to convince myself I had heard wrong but the mother was rude enough to correct the child and add "No! That's not a person! THAT'S A THING!"

I have to admit I am genuinely devastated at this. I used to receive an enormous amount of abuse from the public every time I left the house, but that was well before the hormones took affect and when I literally looked like a male body builder wearing pink clothes and lipstick. My dysphoria is now at such an all time high I don't feel like leaving home or working at all. It's like I am back to square one of transitioning. I am feeling genuine depression (not quiet suicidal thoughts) which I have not had in well over a year.

I am writing this because I have no idea how to cope without having to fork out absurd amounts of money for more surgery to help (which believe me, I do not have and probably isnt really the answer). Is this some thing I will just have to deal with for the rest of my life? Is it more realistic to aim for passing 90 percent of the time instead of 100? I really never wanted to face discrimination again and had hoped spending my life savings would protect me from it, this is all part of being "baby trans" I'm guessing.

How do you other girls cope when you suddenly, after a good while of being treated like a cis-woman, are called out for being trans? (in such a negative way)

any help is appreciated







Pammie

Hey guys,

I have currently been experiencing a lot of dysphoria, though I haven't had any one say nasty comments to me over my gender (or misgender me) in around 18 months, I still get the feeling a lot people just "know" that I am trans. People stare at me way too long and some times little things will happen, like a group of people will start whispering when I walk by. I had hoped this was just me being paranoid for a good while, but 2 people have certainly now have worked it out. One co-worker tried to get me to confess for a while (I made a thread about that too, I still haven't told her anything) and one customer I dealt with flat out said "Hey! You used to be a boy!" (I didnt care too much because he went on a rank about protecting LGBT people immediately so I laughed the situation off).

I have been considering jaw surgery because it's the only thing I haven't had altered on my face and the only thing I can think of on my face that gives me away (I could be totally wrong of course, but I have an effeminate body, hair, manner etc).

To cut a long story short, yesterday I was shopping for groceries and despite being dressed well and having my usual makeup and hair done, a mother and her child walked past me and paused for a moment. I had the dreaded paranoia again that they had stopped to look at me. So ignored my feelings. A moment later the child yelled out "EW! That person is trying to be a woman!". I had tried to convince myself I had heard wrong but the mother was rude enough to correct the child and add "No! That's not a person! THAT'S A THING!"

I have to admit I am genuinely devastated at this. I used to receive an enormous amount of abuse from the public every time I left the house, but that was well before the hormones took affect and when I literally looked like a male body builder wearing pink clothes and lipstick. My dysphoria is now at such an all time high I don't feel like leaving home or working at all. It's like I am back to square one of transitioning. I am feeling genuine depression (not quiet suicidal thoughts) which I have not had in well over a year.

I am writing this because I have no idea how to cope without having to fork out absurd amounts of money for more surgery to help (which believe me, I do not have and probably isnt really the answer). Is this some thing I will just have to deal with for the rest of my life? Is it more realistic to aim for passing 90 percent of the time instead of 100? I really never wanted to face discrimination again and had hoped spending my life savings would protect me from it, this is all part of being "baby trans" I'm guessing.

How do you other girls cope when you suddenly, after a good while of being treated like a cis-woman, are called out for being trans? (in such a negative way)

any help is appreciated
Well, i’m not sure there is a magical answer. I worry about passing all the time and have had no surgery because I just can’t afford it and my children are really against it anyway.
I get down when I don’t pass and am made aware I don’t (I guess there are other times I don’t pass but I don’t get any comments) but I always write it off against the massive highs of being myself full time for the last 2.5 years!
I guess I mean count your blessings, you have been able to have lots of surgery already so I’d say you are well ahead of a lot of us. Chin up girl, U got this! Xx


I opened the door and the light shone in

Offline Maid Marion

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Hi Miss Kitty

Sorry to hear that.  Appearance is just part of it.  How you walk and your mannerisms also plays a role; how you pass people in the aisle, for instance.  It happens so quickly that you may not have realized what happened.

Marion


Offline Maddie

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That is a terrible thing to say about someone.  What that mother said to her child about you.
I have heard that too.  Same comment.  Monsters make monsters make monsters.

I have not been  read or treated as a cis woman in public for any amount of time, so sorry not able to answer the  the specific situation you pose.
I will consider Maid Marion's reply in regards to my own situation.

Miss Kitty at times I  have experienced a state of physical pain depression you describe being in, so am a little worried for you right now.

Would it  help get you out of this terrible place to look at yourself and see only the things you like, the things you have worked hard, and undergone ordeals/sacrifice to change?  The things that make you happy about being female.  Things about yourself that prove to yourself who you are, without any thought, need, or care for what the cruel zombified masses judge you as. 
You already have this ability because you were forced to develop it before. 
My advice doesn't doesn't really fix everything because I don't know how.   Just trying to help remind you how to survive, since you are feeling genuine depression and not "just" quiet suicidal thoughts.  I don't know you but I very much hope you don't have to feel that way all day today. 
Hugs

Offline Bittydrew

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My biggest thing is why should we have to look like CIS women anyway this is a thing society has created for us I do believe which causes us to seek out surgeries and stuff to help make us look like them but really we shouldn't have to pass ....just looking at things a little different I know its easier to get thru life doing it and have the same thing with clothes and makeup I don't pass yet either ...

Offline AnneK

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Was that a young child?  If so, I'd chalk it up to youthful indisretion.  They might have just reacted because they didn't know any better and kids often say inappropriate things.  More important is how her mother reacted.
I'm a 67 year old AMAB who has been thinking about SRS for many years.  I also was a  full cross dresser for a few years.  I wear a bra, pantyhose and nail polish daily because it just feels right.

Started HRT April 17, 2019.

Pammie

My biggest thing is why should we have to look like CIS women anyway this is a thing society has created for us I do believe which causes us to seek out surgeries and stuff to help make us look like them but really we shouldn't have to pass ....just looking at things a little different I know its easier to get thru life doing it and have the same thing with clothes and makeup I don't pass yet either ...
I’m struggling to get that perspective tbh. But hey, YMMV.
I personally don’t identify as trans but as female - no prefix is the key for me so there are only women so, therefore I need to blend with and look like other women


I opened the door and the light shone in

Offline Miss Kitty

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Firstly I would love to thank all of you for your support and suggestions, I have been feeling better lately and your replies have been helping.

I managed to go to work for a few days and was super stressed the whole time that some one would clock me and say something while I was really emotionally vulnerable, nothing happened and I've had a few days to reflect on things. I have made a savings plan to start planning for another round of FFS, a jaw/chin reshaping and a tracheal shave. Having a target of 12 months to save for it has actually made me motivated and given me a new sense of purpose. If I feel that there is possible end to my dysphoria I can go to bed knowing things will certainly get better.

Unfortunately, I paid for all my previous surgery by selling my own home, I own virtually no possessions and no assets at all so its another year of living on an impossibly slim budget, but I will make it work if it's what I really want to do.
In the mean time I going to have to just appreciate how far I have come, as you girls have suggested, and be happy with the fact I have to privilege of having had any surgery at all so far.

It is horrible that we live in a world where people are not only so judgmental but go as far as training their own children to be horrible people too. The fact that I have gone this long without people harassing me should tell me I am at least on the right path, even if it is an arduous and slow one.

In regards to what you said Maid Marion, it's funny you mentioned the mannerisms part, I usually have very effeminate mannerisms, however, that exact day I was harassed I was feeling dysphoric and was walking very awkwardly in my heels and with a slouched lazy/sad posture, it's entirely possible that was a dead give away so I'm making extra effort to make sure my mannerisms don't cause an incident like that again  :P






Offline Maid Marion

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Hi Miss Kitty,

Good to hear that you are feeling better.

I always look at the kids, though I know many on this forum can't do that.  They are just small people.
Just like me. Shorter than 70% of the population.

I've been training Girl Scouts by buying cookies while I'm wearing pink nail polish.  Two boxes already!

There is a gorgeous white hybrid tea rose named Miss Kitty that was discovered by Kitty Belendez.

Marion

Offline Oldandcreaky

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Miss Kitty, I'm sad that happened to you.

However, I urge you to note what other women wear when they shop. In my six-plus decades, I have rarely seen other women wear high heels and makeup when they grocery shop. Dressing differently will draw attention to you. 

Offline Maid Marion

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Good point about the heels.  I think most of us will vary our presentation according to how we are feeling that day.  Sometimes a nice pair of sneakers is more appropriate for casual shopping. Or maybe something not so nice if you are going to the garden center with gravel pathways.

Marion

Offline Ellie_Arroway

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It is horrible that we live in a world where people are not only so judgmental but go as far as training their own children to be horrible people too. The fact that I have gone this long without people harassing me should tell me I am at least on the right path, even if it is an arduous and slow one.

What a sad story.

The child's behaviour is acceptable because it is a child. The mother's is not.

I don't know where you are in the world, but I'm sure in the UK that that would be classed as a hate crime.

I wonder if therapy is the real answer? You should not have to continue to change yourself to fit in. I present as female, but I would be "clocked" every time I open my mouth, if not before. I'm in the UK and I have not experienced any abuse like that except online, and in the online case, that was on my twitch stream; one of my mods blocked the person responsible. I have experienced overwhelming acceptance. I am on the list to get voice therapy and to get hormones and possibly GRS, and I'm doing laser on my beard, but I have no intention of having any FFS. Of course, things may change when I get on hormones, but that is the way I feel right now.

If somebody said that to me, I would recognise that it is they who have the problem, not me. I don't believe I would engage with them, but I wouldn't let it bother me. I have had my share of depression, too, although in my case it has always been mild. I'm rather confident and outspoken, though, and I appreciate that some of this is down to personality.

If I was affected the way you are, and especially given the way you describe your quality of life, I would be seeking therapy rather than to continue to alter my appearance through surgery.

Hope this helps! Ellie
Started seriously questioning: 24 Aug 2019
Referred to GIC: 23 Sep 2019
Full-time female presentation since: 21 Oct 2019, unbroken since 12 Dec 2019
Official name change by deed poll: 11 Nov 2019
HRT: started 6 Apr 2021 via GenderCare/NHS shared care
Care switched to NHS: 22 Sep 2021
Most of my story is in the Just another mtf tale thread!
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Offline nick.order

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Dear Miss Kitty, although, I can`t completely understand you (I`m trans man and such), I want to help you to relieve your GD for a while. So let me tell you this

There is nothing bad or shameful of being a transgender. You`re a unique, but it doesn`t mean that you`re less than any woman. In fact, trans woman is no less a woman just because she have or had a penis, do you hear me?
YOU ARE A WOMAN!

People who are mean to you; they just don`t understand how deep their thoughtless actions and words are hurting you, sweety (I hope I didn`t offended you by calling you like this). You shouldn`t lose your self worth because of these ignorant trash

I believe dysphoria isn't just something people experience before fully transitioning. Thougts about past, height and bone structure all of it may trigger a dysphoria in you (even after surgeries). You shouldn`t prove your gender to anyone except for yourself. Ask yourself why do you want a surgery?
•   It`s because your face bothers YOU so much and surgery will make you feel more comfortable in your body
Or
•   It`s because you think that it`ll helps to “fix” perception of people about you and will change their attitude towards you
If you are comfortable with your face then it is normal to let it be as it is

Anyway right now you`re close to developing a depression and you probably not ready to a face a prejucy or whispering behind your back
Your wellbeing is a main priority. Take care first about your mental health. Surround yourself with your supportive friends or family members and when you`ll be ready, make an appointment to a trans-friendly mental health counselor (as a prophylaxis), if you want in order to moving on


I just tries to tell you that I cheers for you and that you`re not alone. I`m fighting too against that injustice of genetics and wrong body anatomy (although I have even less chance of a successful transition). And I have very serious suicidal thoughts and I can kill myself at any moment. I would not want your problem situation to end so badly
Fight, girl! Promise me to bring this transphobic world to your knees!

                                                                                                                                     With all my respect, Nick








Offline Paul Muad-Dib

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Quite honestly, exposure to the underbelly of the internet cured any aggravation I ever felt at what people might say or think of me.

I used to be quite a sensitive person in that regard, and I remember taking the advice "don't read the comments" as it's often given.

I started reading the comments however. Read them on YouTube, read them on 4Chan, all the places considered to be the worst. I wanted to see what the absolute worst things people could think or say about us. And after doing that for a few years (not for that reason alone, of course.... I was gathering other information, news, opinions on many topics) I can say that if someone called me a "thing" in public I would simply laugh in return. There is literally nothing on Earth they could say now that could be worse than what I've already seen, and the worst of it simply loses its power when you've been exposed to it. It's meaningless. The people who say it are powerless too. It doesn't mean anything at all at this point, other than being just another opinion, and you know what they say about those.

I figure, the world wasn't going to change its ways for me. So I might as well change my feelings toward it. I'm quite glad I did. I can browse these places or walk the Earth without caring about it any more, without it barely registering. It's more entertaining than anything now to see how people who dislike us lose sleep over such things, or work themselves into a frenzy, while I do not.

And I can say, from what I've seen, the "worst" they can actually do is make up stupid names for us, claim we are mentally ill, or make vague threats at us as a demographic which cannot actually be enforced in my society anyway). Most people are not on the side of people who are obsessive about us, and simply view us as "odd" or "weirdos" at worst. There is always going to be a section of society like us, and there will always be a section of society that doesn't like us. But they aren't worth the time and effort of fearing or feeling upset about.

What got on my nerves far more than any hate was the people who pretend to care about you as a person after they learn you are trans, while trying to "convert" you away from what they see as a lifestyle. They are worried about maintaining traditional values, not you as a person, but they act as though they are actually "worried" for you. That was far more distasteful to me than any of these people who would just throw insults like children.

Offline Oldandcreaky

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I'm your fangirl, Paul.

Offline Paul Muad-Dib

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I'm your fangirl, Paul.

Surprised to be gathering fangirls here, but certainly not complaining.

Offline Miss Kitty

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you are all amazing!

I haven't checked on this thread on a couple of days and I am really appreciative all of the advice you have all given me. I don't know where to start with replying, but I am taking every last bit of advice on board. I am trying to be more conscious of how I dress and where it is appropriate to do so. Today, for example, I went grocery shopping and intentionally wore a basic pleated skirt, unisex top and flat shoes with no makeup at all. I would have looked like virtually every other woman in the store. I didn't get one look from any one (and I was checking hehe).

After what has happened though, I am trying to simply not give a poop, and acknowledge that at least for now, I don't pass 100 percent of the time. I have learnt in the past to simply ignore peoples negative reactions, self harm, substance abuse or falling into depression achieve literally nothing. If any thing I'm "giving in to the enemy" by doing those things, but I suppose it hurt this time because it's been so long that I secretly hoped I was in the clear for good (despite suspecting deep down people were still whispering about my gender behind my back).

I am still planing on getting more FFS, but it isn't just because society isn't totally accepting, I hate the fact that the bottom half of my face is still a reminder of my old self, who I hate passionately. That being said, I'm not going to be a sad sack for the next year or so while I wait for more surgery. I just have to use the same coping methods as before if I encounter an awful person again.

I survived being trans for the first 6 months of HRT, which as I discussed, was probably the worst time of my life, I'm sure I can make it through whatever comes next, I'm sure I will still reassurance from every one here, from time to time. I don't think more therapy will help me, the last time I saw a psychiatrist I was genuinely bored and wanted to leave. Not because he wasn't an amazing doctor, but I feel like I've done the mental health thing to death. I feel like I'm just repeating my life story and hearing the same advice over and over again.

Support from family (which I'm getting) and support from my fellow Trans community on here is invaluable to me and at the moment better than further "professional" help, well at least thats what I think.






Offline Oldandcreaky

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Whoa, Miss Kitty! When I read this, "I am really appreciative all of the advice you have all given me," I was a little skeptical. There's a part of the brain that enables a person to do this; It's the cingulate anterior cortex and yours must be a whopper, for it isn't easy to hear and apply disparate, discordant advice and you did.

A. I'm glad you next grocery shopping foray went well.

B. I'm glad you're accepting that they might not all go well and you're bracing for it.

C. I'm glad you've pinpointed a possibly troublesome site and are going to do something about it.

D. Most of all, I'm thrilled you're still standing, still going out in the world, and that you have such a beautiful mind.

Offline Miss Kitty

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Whoa, Miss Kitty! When I read this, "I am really appreciative all of the advice you have all given me," I was a little skeptical. There's a part of the brain that enables a person to do this; It's the cingulate anterior cortex and yours must be a whopper, for it isn't easy to hear and apply disparate, discordant advice and you did

I seriously thought you were going to use some elaborate scientific insult about my brain just now haha. Thank you! You have all been wonderful. Things are still going good, I had an attractive man today comment positively on my looks (actually as a feminist I should have been offended by his unwanted comments about my appearance but in light of how I've felt lately, I was very happy indeedy). Im taking all the good and using that to push out the bad. I will be right back here though if I need advice, I think I still have a huge road ahead of me and it means the world to me knowing that this community exist.






Offline Ellie_Arroway

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I had an attractive man today comment positively on my looks (actually as a feminist I should have been offended by his unwanted comments about my appearance but in light of how I've felt lately, I was very happy indeedy).

Sorry to sidetrack the thread a bit, but why as a feminist should you be offended by a compliment? As long as it was polite, that is...

The word should be equalist in my opinion, not feminist. Feminist is about equality for all. I don't see anything wrong with paying someone a compliment no matter what gender they belong to.
Started seriously questioning: 24 Aug 2019
Referred to GIC: 23 Sep 2019
Full-time female presentation since: 21 Oct 2019, unbroken since 12 Dec 2019
Official name change by deed poll: 11 Nov 2019
HRT: started 6 Apr 2021 via GenderCare/NHS shared care
Care switched to NHS: 22 Sep 2021
Most of my story is in the Just another mtf tale thread!
Twitch streamer MusicEllie

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