Topic: I am SO scared

[Cathy1969]

I have known my husband for 20 years and have been married for nearly 10 years. He is currently deployed and we are in the middle of a global pandemic.  He tells me 2 days ago that he wants to start taking T blockers and do HRT. He says he loves me and only wants to be with me.  I don't know if I can do this. I am beyond terrified of losing him but not sure I can be married to my husband who is now a woman. I feel disgusted with myself for even thinking or typing these words. I am so desperate.

[Meghan]

I have known my husband for 20 years and have been married for nearly 10 years. He is currently deployed and we are in the middle of a global pandemic.  He tells me 2 days ago that he wants to start taking T blockers and do HRT. He says he loves me and only wants to be with me.  I don't know if I can do this. I am beyond terrified of losing him but not sure I can be married to my husband who is now a woman. I feel disgusted with myself for even thinking or typing these words. I am so desperate.

Hello Cathy,

Your feelings are normal because both of you approach uncharted territory you never know before.  I guess you need to talk to counselor to figures out what to do.  Good luck

Sent from my SM-T387V using Tapatalk

[Northern Star Girl]

@Cathy1969
Dear Cathy:
The good news is that your first posting here is in the correct Sub-Forum... "Significant Others Talk"
If you take some time to read some of the other members postings and threads in this Sub-Forum and other threads elsewhere you will find out that you are not alone with your feelings about your and your husband's situation.

I wish I could offer you words that would give you instant insight of what to do in your situation but instead I will leave it up to some of our other members that have more experience with the issues involved.

Meanwhile I do want to warmly Welcome you to Susan's Place and the Forums.   Shortly I will post an Official Welcome Message here on your thread that will give you more information that will help you navigate around the forums.

Again, Welcome!
Best wishes to you,
Danielle

[Northern Star Girl]

@Cathy1969
Dear Cathy
    Please know that I am not trying to hijack your post and your questions and concerns but first I wish to Officially Welcome YOU to Susan's Place.
    I am happy to see that you have signed up as a member of Susan's Place and have submitted your first posting. 

    As you post here on the forums you will be able to exchange thoughts and comments with others that are experiencing many of the same things that you wrote about.
 
    This is the right place for you to be to find out what others may have to say that may have been in your circumstances and with your questions and concerns.
    There are a lot of members here that will be able to identify with your situation as you continue to feel free to share it.
 
    I want to warmly WELCOME you to Susan's Place. 
You will find this a safe and friendly place to share with others and to read about others similar trials, tribulations, and successes.

    As you are certainly aware you can share with others and involve yourself with some give and take with other like-minded members.  When frustrated or if you have successes you can share it here if you wish and receive support from others and offer support to others. ....
     ***There is a very good chance that you might find that you will make some new like-minded friends here. 

    Please come in and continue to be involved at your own pace.   Other members will be along shortly to give you their thoughts about your questions and concerns that you mentioned in your very first posting.
   
    There is information and important LINKS that I have included below.   You will find information about the site that will help you navigate around and best utilize the features here.   
Please look closely at the LINKS in RED, answers are there to many questions that new members ask....

Again, Welcome to Susan's Place.
Danielle

Here are some links to the site rules and stuff that all new members should be familiar with:
 

Things that you should read

Site Terms of Service & Rules to Live By	Standard Terms & Definitions	Post Ranks (including when you can upload an avatar)	Cautionary Note
Reputation rules	News posting & quoting guidelines	Photo, avatars, & signature images policy	Membership Agreement

[Northern Star Girl]

@Cathy1969
Dear Cathy:

If you feel so inclined please feel free to stop by the Introductions Forum to tell more members about yourself!
 
With more exposure to more members here you will be able to get more responses to your questions and concerns.

Wishing your well as you continue to be involved in the forums.

NOTE: Now, after all of this Greeting and Welcoming stuff, I will give you and your readers your thread back so you can get some answers from other members.

Again, Welcome to Susan's Place.
Danielle

[Maddie]

I have known my husband for 20 years and have been married for nearly 10 years. He is currently deployed and we are in the middle of a global pandemic.  He tells me 2 days ago that he wants to start taking T blockers and do HRT. He says he loves me and only wants to be with me.  I don't know if I can do this. I am beyond terrified of losing him but not sure I can be married to my husband who is now a woman. I feel disgusted with myself for even thinking or typing these words. I am so desperate.

Hi Cathy. 
I wish you didn't feel disgusted with yourself for thinking or typing those words. 
And you don't need a stranger to tell you what you deserve to feel.  You know how you feel.

You are reaching out, and you are being heard!   

So is he. 
It's not good timing,
But when is good timing for this, after years married?
It may be that the strain of crisis and deployment are bringing this out of your husband now, as if they are afraid not to deal with it...right now.  As if they are afraid that they may never get another chance to be completely real with you. 

I don't know your husband, but sometimes this is a thing that is so strong that it is buried and surpressed.   In a desperate lifelong struggle to conform to their birth gender there is sometimes no room for conscious acknowledgement of this fact.

Sorry, I am extrapolating.  I don't know you or them.
Please search the threads here and elsewhere.  Keep reaching out.  Someone here probably knows your situation better than I do.  Maybe enough to really help you.  Maybe your husband too.
Hugs

[Devlyn]

I have known my husband for 20 years and have been married for nearly 10 years. He is currently deployed and we are in the middle of a global pandemic.  He tells me 2 days ago that he wants to start taking T blockers and do HRT. He says he loves me and only wants to be with me.  I don't know if I can do this. I am beyond terrified of losing him but not sure I can be married to my husband who is now a woman. I feel disgusted with myself for even thinking or typing these words. I am so desperate.

Cathy, welcome to Susan's Place, and thank you for finding us. I've added Significant Other to your avatar to help our members understand where you're coming from. You'll find others here who are going through the exact same thing that you are. This is a tough exercise for couples and families, and the key is open and honest communication, even when it hurts. It's the only way to get through this with an intact relationship.

Looking forward to your posts. 

Hugs, Devlyn

[Allie Jayne]

Cathy, no doubt this is a tough road for you and your husband. He is probably terrified he is going to lose you, and you are both entering uncharted territory. This road is different for everyone, but for married couples, it should be travelled together. This means, if he wants you in his life, you need to have a say in his transition. Transition is usually a process taking years, so you should have time to find a path which you can both travel. I will not lie, most relationships fail, but many do survive.

It is important for you to know why he is doing this. This isn't something he wants, it was hard wired into his brain in utero, and it can't be changed. It is a medical condition which requires medical treatment. From there it can go in a myriad of ways. How far it actually goes is not yet known to him or you, and there can be many changes along the way.

My wife and I are getting through this. Yes, our relationship has changed, but we both recognise we are still the best match for each other. We explored so many options for us to go forward, and after advice from another member of this forum, she found a way she could stay with me and accept her new place in our relationship. For us to stay together, we filed for divorce, and we are now the best friends we've always been.

Our situation is different to yours, but there are ways you may be able to find a future together. I usually requires a shift, but it should be something both of you decide on, and he should be willing to work with you so you both can find happiness. Talk to him, be honest, and demand he return that honesty, and work at it as a team. You can make it!

Hugs,

Allie

[Oldandcreaky]

Cathy, you are wise to be scared. It will be an uncertain, painful, difficult path for your spouse and for you too if you accompany him. I transitioned more than thirty years ago and my spouse stayed with me.

Together, because partnerships are powerful, we have far more than we'd have ever had alone. For example, my spouse is medically complex with several diseases that will shorten her life. I have saved her life more times than I can count and when she spent weeks in ICUs and months in hospitals, she was never alone.*

People assume we're a lesbian couple. We aren't. It bugs me more than her. She just shrugs and chuckles.

Do you have children? How many years has your spouse been in the military? I ask this second question because military benefits can be considerable and growing old is hard enough, but growing old while poor is far harder. Lastly, does your spouse want the two of you to be a lesbian couple?

*Well, I did have to pee and poop, but otherwise I was there 24/7. I even accompanied her when she peed and pooped, as she was far too weak to go alone. 

[mid-life wife]

Cathy,

Let me just say this first: you're going to be fine.  Just breathe deep and remember getting through other times with your husband.  I'm not trying to downplay the anxiety of having something that seems like a foundation of your marriage and identity just swept out from under you.  But we can make it through extreme difficulties, I think you just need to find your path.

I've been struggling for about 2 years, since I found out my husband of 25 years has gender dysphoria (he still identifies as male and is still just exploring the option of transitioning.)  As I imagine the stress you're under, I feel very fortunate that I came off relatively easy.

My husband and I went through periods of living in different countries, and I wonder if you have already as well.  If so, maybe you learned the same thing I did: that being separate can sometimes give you some time and distance to think deeply about what each of you is thinking or feeling.  In spite of the frustration, I feel as though that time was good for us -- to learn more about who we were (as individuals and as a couple.)

Do you have close family or friends to talk to?  Does he have someone her can talk to? 

Please know there are others around who are struggling like you. Feel free to reach out, or just know that I wish you peace and love!