Community Conversation > Significant Others talk

I am SO scared

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Maddie:

--- Quote from: Cathy1969 on March 23, 2020, 07:45:12 pm ---I have known my husband for 20 years and have been married for nearly 10 years. He is currently deployed and we are in the middle of a global pandemic.  He tells me 2 days ago that he wants to start taking T blockers and do HRT. He says he loves me and only wants to be with me.  I don't know if I can do this. I am beyond terrified of losing him but not sure I can be married to my husband who is now a woman. I feel disgusted with myself for even thinking or typing these words. I am so desperate.

--- End quote ---
Hi Cathy. 
I wish you didn't feel disgusted with yourself for thinking or typing those words. 
And you don't need a stranger to tell you what you deserve to feel.  You know how you feel.

You are reaching out, and you are being heard!   

So is he. 
It's not good timing,
But when is good timing for this, after years married?
It may be that the strain of crisis and deployment are bringing this out of your husband now, as if they are afraid not to deal with it...right now.  As if they are afraid that they may never get another chance to be completely real with you. 

I don't know your husband, but sometimes this is a thing that is so strong that it is buried and surpressed.   In a desperate lifelong struggle to conform to their birth gender there is sometimes no room for conscious acknowledgement of this fact.

Sorry, I am extrapolating.  I don't know you or them.
Please search the threads here and elsewhere.  Keep reaching out.  Someone here probably knows your situation better than I do.  Maybe enough to really help you.  Maybe your husband too.
Hugs

Devlyn:

--- Quote from: Cathy1969 on March 23, 2020, 07:45:12 pm ---I have known my husband for 20 years and have been married for nearly 10 years. He is currently deployed and we are in the middle of a global pandemic.  He tells me 2 days ago that he wants to start taking T blockers and do HRT. He says he loves me and only wants to be with me.  I don't know if I can do this. I am beyond terrified of losing him but not sure I can be married to my husband who is now a woman. I feel disgusted with myself for even thinking or typing these words. I am so desperate.

--- End quote ---

Cathy, welcome to Susan's Place, and thank you for finding us. I've added Significant Other to your avatar to help our members understand where you're coming from. You'll find others here who are going through the exact same thing that you are. This is a tough exercise for couples and families, and the key is open and honest communication, even when it hurts. It's the only way to get through this with an intact relationship.

Looking forward to your posts.  :)

Hugs, Devlyn

Allie Jayne:
Cathy, no doubt this is a tough road for you and your husband. He is probably terrified he is going to lose you, and you are both entering uncharted territory. This road is different for everyone, but for married couples, it should be travelled together. This means, if he wants you in his life, you need to have a say in his transition. Transition is usually a process taking years, so you should have time to find a path which you can both travel. I will not lie, most relationships fail, but many do survive.

It is important for you to know why he is doing this. This isn't something he wants, it was hard wired into his brain in utero, and it can't be changed. It is a medical condition which requires medical treatment. From there it can go in a myriad of ways. How far it actually goes is not yet known to him or you, and there can be many changes along the way.

My wife and I are getting through this. Yes, our relationship has changed, but we both recognise we are still the best match for each other. We explored so many options for us to go forward, and after advice from another member of this forum, she found a way she could stay with me and accept her new place in our relationship. For us to stay together, we filed for divorce, and we are now the best friends we've always been.

Our situation is different to yours, but there are ways you may be able to find a future together. I usually requires a shift, but it should be something both of you decide on, and he should be willing to work with you so you both can find happiness. Talk to him, be honest, and demand he return that honesty, and work at it as a team. You can make it!

Hugs,

Allie

Oldandcreaky:
Cathy, you are wise to be scared. It will be an uncertain, painful, difficult path for your spouse and for you too if you accompany him. I transitioned more than thirty years ago and my spouse stayed with me.

Together, because partnerships are powerful, we have far more than we'd have ever had alone. For example, my spouse is medically complex with several diseases that will shorten her life. I have saved her life more times than I can count and when she spent weeks in ICUs and months in hospitals, she was never alone.*

People assume we're a lesbian couple. We aren't. It bugs me more than her. She just shrugs and chuckles.

Do you have children? How many years has your spouse been in the military? I ask this second question because military benefits can be considerable and growing old is hard enough, but growing old while poor is far harder. Lastly, does your spouse want the two of you to be a lesbian couple?

*Well, I did have to pee and poop, but otherwise I was there 24/7. I even accompanied her when she peed and pooped, as she was far too weak to go alone. 

mid-life wife:
Cathy,

Let me just say this first: you're going to be fine.  Just breathe deep and remember getting through other times with your husband.  I'm not trying to downplay the anxiety of having something that seems like a foundation of your marriage and identity just swept out from under you.  But we can make it through extreme difficulties, I think you just need to find your path.

I've been struggling for about 2 years, since I found out my husband of 25 years has gender dysphoria (he still identifies as male and is still just exploring the option of transitioning.)  As I imagine the stress you're under, I feel very fortunate that I came off relatively easy.

My husband and I went through periods of living in different countries, and I wonder if you have already as well.  If so, maybe you learned the same thing I did: that being separate can sometimes give you some time and distance to think deeply about what each of you is thinking or feeling.  In spite of the frustration, I feel as though that time was good for us -- to learn more about who we were (as individuals and as a couple.)

Do you have close family or friends to talk to?  Does he have someone her can talk to? 

Please know there are others around who are struggling like you. Feel free to reach out, or just know that I wish you peace and love!

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