Community Conversation > Transsexual talk

I never realized how severe my dysphoria was until recently.

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jaybutterfly:
I can't believe some of the stuff Ive only just realized about my own thinking patterns and how dysphoria was influencing my behaviour, finances, socialising, everything. When I first went to the gender clinics I was told I would need to think about my safety and possibly move out before i got treatment due to problems/abuse from my immediate family that wasnt to do with being trans.

1.Save every penny I could and rack up 21K in 3 years on top of years of pocket money saving, delivery driver work, working in leisure centres and freelance graphics

2. I never feel like I have money to spare and i realize that the reason is I am completely consumed with affording hip implantation, facial feminisation surgery and possibly clavicle surgery. The value of this comes to the same price of my apartment and I have seriously considered saving just to downsize to somethng smaller, taking out a loan in half and selling my property just to get everything cleared as I am getting quite overwhelmed with feeling dysphoric about my body shape and masculine properties

3. I put aside over half my money a month in order to afford gamete storage, laser hair removal etc.

4. The coronavirus pandemic is preventing me collecting my perscription of hormones as the GP is shut to all but 'utterly necessary' visits, which mine apparently isnt. This has knocked me for six and I think my depression has spiked since I got this news.

5. I dont even want to wait till coming out to co-workers, friends, family etc. I just want to grab my estradiol and stuff it into my face and start.

6. I'm willing to be cut off from friends, family and disowned just to put myself first and be the woman I should have been all my life.

I dont cry about it, I dont do the stereotypical things the doctors wanted me to say I do like present female all the time and feel emotionally overwhelmed by it day in and day out, but the dysphoria controls the practicality and priorities of my life in this fierce, all consuming black hole kind of way that is always there.

All it's done is cement my stance. I feel like my body is an unfixable mess but Im going ahead anyway. My mother's death in her fifties has taught me that time is not on my side.

AllieSF:
Hi Jay,

My story is different from yours and similar too.  Once4 I started crossdressing, which started from zero, I started letting other parts of my life be ignored, important items like finances.  I was retired and just wanted to be me in retirement and live that life.

This line of your is me in many aspects, "... but the dysphoria controls the practicality and priorities of my life ...".  I am now trying to concentrate on getting this side of my life back in order.  I never thought I had gender dysphoria until I looked at everything that I was doing and more importantly, what I was not doing that I always did.

In regards to saving for your desired surgeries, congratulations for how much you have already saved.  I suggest that you also look at getting some types of health insurance if you live in a country that requires health insurance to cover some medical procedures.  Paying for insurance for a year or two may greatly reduce the final total cost of some of those surgeries.  Well worth looking into.  I knew someone who changed health insurance providers just to get FFS and final facial electrolysis done.

Regarding your hormones, taking them is a medical necessity and should be handled as any other medical issue in a timely manner.  My regular doctor is doing Face Time and/or phone appointments during this coronavirus time period.  I would call your doctor and insist he renew your prescription now.  Going off hormones can also be an issue.

Good luck,

Allie

Rakel:

--- Quote from: jaybutterfly on March 24, 2020, 05:36:12 am ---...I dont cry about it, I dont do the stereotypical things the doctors wanted me to say I do like present female all the time and feel emotionally overwhelmed by it day in and day out, but the dysphoria controls the practicality and priorities of my life in this fierce, all consuming black hole kind of way that is always there.

--- End quote ---

This sounds like a firm decision has been made. Congratulations.

Many of us here have made the same decision. All the unpleasant aspects of transition are now more than acceptable. We need to live the rest of our lives as we wish and if someone else cannot accept us later on, then that is their problem.

Be patient, transition is a slow process. Also, it is most important to plan for a life after transition.

Take care.

Idontknowbutiwould:
Nothing is impossible, at 13 I thought I was not going to be a girl, I was a fat boy with an alien face according to my thoughts. After everything changed, when I lost a lot of weight at 15 I knew it was time to start, I seemed an androgynous being but everything took shape over time. Hair, clothing, voice and makeup are essential in the principles of the process but also courage. I am very sorry for the death of your mother, I do not know mine but my grandmother (my foster mother) has been sick many times and I am afraid of losing her. I am also very sorry that you cannot access your hormones due to the pandemic (luckily in Spain I can access my medication whenever I need it) but believe me, when you define what a woman you are and you cling to living according to your ideal, everything will calm down. Dysphoria is present in many ways even if a transition is successful, but everything can be fixed with determination

BrightWindow:
I wish transitioning didn't have to be so hard. I was desperate to start HRT and it's not looking like "pill day" is coming any sooner. My personal dysphoria, when it comes to the body, isn't even that bad: bad enough that I feel I need to transition yes, but I don't feel totally terrible about it - it doesn't stop me from having a reasonably happy life in the meantime and I don't feel a medical transition is as important to me as a social one. Don't worry so much about passing - I just hope you are able to be happy.

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