Author Topic: Family been passive aggressive, reason is... (Vent)  (Read 346 times)

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Offline Vicente

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Family been passive aggressive, reason is... (Vent)
« on: March 29, 2020, 07:42:11 am »
I stretched my ears.

I'm not joking.

Been around a year I started to stretch my ears, I must be at 14mm now.
I stretch gradually and slowly using tape, yesterday I changed the jewelry to the size I'm on. I told my mother beforehand so there's no surprise and is less of reason for her to nag me. At least I hought so because she still said hurtful things including that I'm deforming myself.

Since yesterday I'm being given the silent treatment from both my mother and sister. It's not like they are overly conservative either. It seems to me that anything I do that shows off my personality, they dislike.

The question is, is this worth it? DEFINITELY. I'm on my way to discover myself, and body modification been a huge part of it. They are important to me and make me feel more comfortable in my own skin. No matter what I say, they hate it.

Now I'm stuck in this situation while quarantined. Nice.
I'm also unwilling to take them off and been feeling great with myself (which is invaluable since I have severe depression). Nice

Which got me thinking, I know my family is lgbt-phobic all around, but if they flip with such a small thing, guess I have my answer if I had any doubt about coming out. There's no communication, it's their way or being withdraw from their affection and they making me feel bad about myself.

Guess body mods is not restricted to self discovery but also show out who the people around really are. They don't have to love it nor even understand it, but they should at least respect the decisions I make, and if they have any concerns, they should talk to me just like my ex does. I don't shrug things off, I listen. I'm not irrational nor immature. I'm open to talk about things. They choose to behave like this though.

However, I'm fine with that. If their love is so superficial and conditional, they have no place in my future.
I've been avoiding them in return which been fine since they really drain me and I have to force myself to be around them.
Won't lie rejection stings but it was their decision, not mine. I'm past living for others. If they're going to make me feel bad, at least they can do so while I'm being true to myself and not because I'm living a miserable life they idealize.

It's not easy. It's not fair. It shouldn't be like this.
But for how long I'm willing to keep this going? Being unhappy and hating "myself", the image everyone wants to make of me? It's just stretched ears, but it feels a preview of what transitioning would be like in a much smaller scale. It's still refraining from doing what makes me happy because of others, and living life the way other people like, even at the expense of my own happiness and comfort.

We can't choose who we are and how we feel, we can only choose what actions we take.
I decided to take action towards my happiness. At the moment it is making a hole on my lobes, but you bet this is the one of many.

Everyone deserves to BE happy however it might be.

Offline Battle Goddess

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Re: Family been passive aggressive, reason is... (Vent)
« Reply #1 on: March 29, 2020, 09:49:14 am »
In for a penny, in for a pound. To heck with 'em. I'd say it was time for some piercings!

On a more serious note, they're just projecting their discomfort onto you, likely because they're afraid to talk about their fears and anxieties (and the unhappiness and anger they cause) openly with you.

My wife does the same thing every time I take another step in Coming Out. I get it; she needs love and understanding just as much as I do, even though her reaction feels invalidating and hurtful. I've had to learn to take a step back and not fight, much as my gut says to.

I totally get your frustration. It's crazy-making what they do, isn't it? How you're willing to perceive them, either as aggressors able to oppress you, or as frightened people who have to be nagged into talking with you openly, will make a huge difference in how you're able to handle it.

Good luck.
"It's not really a choice. Because we're not choosing to transition...we're choosing to be happy." -- SarahC

Spironolactone January 10 2019
Divigel January 20 2019
Estradiol Valerate March 14 2019

Offline Vicente

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Re: Family been passive aggressive, reason is... (Vent)
« Reply #2 on: March 29, 2020, 11:16:15 am »
Heck yeah, and throw in some tattoos while we are at it!!

But seriously. It's not like I didn't tried. I'm one of the most open and chill human beings on this rock. What bothers me the most is that they are very quick to talk about about their own issues and DEMAND love and understanding, while it doesn't apply to me. Still, they talk about as if family is the most important thing ever, how everyone else is out there to get me and that I can talk about everything with them. It's less about the piercing and more about the dynamic, I mean, if I can't even do such a insignificant thing without it turning into a ruckus, I'm pretty sure more serious things like transitioning and dealing with mental illness is impossible to be talked about.

It's just scary, deep down. Also really stupid. Besides, not a isolated incident either. There were several other instances where they made made me feel safe to talk about something and just tore me when I did. Don't think they are trustworthy at all. Plus, had something happen where my sister took my documents to do something "supposedly" beneficial to me but was sketchy and I'm pretty sure she was trying to benefit herself along the way. My mother supported her even when I told why it pissed me off and that it was a type of fraud. Again, not something big but the fact she took my documents (including a number that is more important legally than my name) to do a thing without my consent really pissed me off.

This was the final straw mostly because it's just!!! A tiny stupid thing out of everything and was enough for them to isolate me and give me hostility?

I'm sorry about what you go through with your wife. Also you're right about how the situation is handled. Deep down I don't think they're worth it and would happily cut ties. One thing I noticed is that relationships sometimes get better when you're not forced to live with family members and this could be my case.

However it's not my best interest drag one-sided relationships either. If push comes to shove, I'm sure they'll give me the short end of the stick.

Humans are so complicated, why can't I shove a piece of water boiled chicken on their faces and get unconditional love? Lol

Offline Oldandcreaky

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Re: Family been passive aggressive, reason is... (Vent)
« Reply #3 on: March 29, 2020, 11:26:09 am »
How old are you, Vicente? I left home when I was 17 and never returned, not because home was horrible, but because I preferred the freedom of my own home and life. I worked multiple jobs while going to school full-time to retain my freedom, but I was young and it didn't feel like a great burden because I was energetic and have always enjoyed working. I share my story to suggest that you might follow in my footsteps.
« Last Edit: March 29, 2020, 02:03:58 pm by Oldandcreaky »

Offline Vicente

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Re: Family been passive aggressive, reason is... (Vent)
« Reply #4 on: March 29, 2020, 12:14:18 pm »
Oldandcreaky, whoa you really were young when moved! I'm impressed.

Currently I'm 26. In my country, kids usually move away from their family only when they get married or absolutely need to. I always found this stupid, but confess I fell for the guilt tripping. I'm glad you did so by choice!

Also been planning on moving for a while, my biggest issue is money. Only got temporary jobs and been over a year I can't get anything. That paired with depression made me quite dysfunctional and unable to be by myself, but I'm clawing my way out and (hopefully, if the quarantine ends) getting an appointment with a therapist and having things go smooth.

I'm going to uni though, and the area seems promising enough that one way or another I'll get something. I'll definitely move asap. As much as I don't go through violence, living in a environment where you're constantly stressed is not ideal.

Offline Maddie

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Re: Family been passive aggressive, reason is... (Vent)
« Reply #5 on: March 29, 2020, 12:35:37 pm »
Also 17 when i moved out, for the last time. 
But times and places vary.  I have a sibling who lived with our parents into their 20s.

Vicente sounds like they are being unfair.  You don't sound unreasonable.
She took your ID and apparently that's just fine.  Ok what if you try that?
Except you say you're a chill type person.  Thus venting it here instead of blowing up on them..
Based on this alone I like your chances for managing this until you get your plan together.
Very cool headed actually considering

Maybe they need some water boiled chicken in their face!!
That's funny and I have no idea what you're referring to.

Good luck. 
It's really not easy for any of us. 
And us includes you.




Offline Oldandcreaky

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Re: Family been passive aggressive, reason is... (Vent)
« Reply #6 on: March 29, 2020, 06:24:44 pm »
Where do you live, Vicente?

Offline Vicente

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Re: Family been passive aggressive, reason is... (Vent)
« Reply #7 on: March 29, 2020, 07:58:58 pm »
@Maddie

Damn, moving at such young age sounds scary. Hope it went well in your case.

She took my ID and another document we call CPF, which is basically a number that the government use to know if owe them any money from taxes, but this number is me and more important legally than my name, and a lot of things can be done with it like buying property and sign contracts. This number is supposed to be kept secure and only be given to trustworthy companies such as banks, since it is so easy to make fraud with it. It boiled my blood she took it without telling me, no matter what for since it is sensible information, yet she simply went to my room and took from my document folder.

Also thanks for the compliment, they don't think I'm patient though lol
The chicken is a treat I sometimes give to the dogs, they absolutely adore it and adore me even more afterwards, wish humans were that easy to deal with (even though when my ex makes me pasta, there's a similar effect haha).

It really isn't easy. Thanks for your comforting words, mean a lot, really.

@Oldandcreaky

I'm over Brazil, a big oof place to live.

Offline Oldandcreaky

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Re: Family been passive aggressive, reason is... (Vent)
« Reply #8 on: March 30, 2020, 07:47:08 am »
Vicente, if you've only worked sporadic part-time jobs, how will you one day retire in Brazil?

I'm ignorant about your country's dynamics, so I'm hoping you can educate me. If you never marry, does an offspring typically spend their entire life with their birth family? Do you ever pay rent?

I would have been allowed to stay with my birth family upon graduating high school, but I would have had to pay rent.

Offline Vicente

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Re: Family been passive aggressive, reason is... (Vent)
« Reply #9 on: March 30, 2020, 03:10:26 pm »
Retirement is based on age and for how long you payed taxes over your wage. Every paycheck has a ton of discounts, including taxes that are specific for retirement. For women, it's 62 age and 15 of work time, men are 65 and 20, respectively. These change according to the type of worker they are (whether "regular worker" or work for the government, teachers etc).

So let's say I work two part time jobs, each for 6 months. That's 1 year of tax contribution so I have another 19 to work (idk how this applies to trans people though). HOWEVER it has to be registered, and all the ones I worked on were not, even full time. Didn't had benefits but they squeezed more money for me because it's cheaper for companies to do this. The big ones doesn't, but restaurants do this regularly.
Honestly, waiting for the government paycheck is a waste. The amount is too low (you only get 60% of the average amount you earned, for reference, if you have a 5000 average, only get 3000 or so) and everything here is too expensive. Opening a small business and/ or investing money on stocks and alike is WAY more viable than working to wait on retirement.

And yes, it's very likely child stay with their parents. Heck, some even keep with parents AFTER marriage, just buy a place that has 2 houses in the same yard or a two floor house, maybe even rent a townhome at the same place even though some will simply get a place to stay near, either moving or relocating the parents. Here we are very family oriented, and turning away from them is frown upon. Unless there's physical abuse, the younger one is the one to blame for poor dynamics (even if the family is emotionally abusive).

Rent is more a courtesy than a necessity. My sister is 30 and sporadically pays for something even when not being asked, while my older sister married at 27 and never handled a single penny though her wage was around 5 grand (she also was only a few neighbors away from us). While me, when employed, would willingly give 25% of my earnings (which is the recommended to pay for rent to avoid financial issues) besides paying for things I felt were needed like food and other supplies. Being unemployed means it's ok doing chores like cleaning and cooking, which is what I currently do.

I just feel bad not contributing while I'm able to but each on their own lol

Offline Oldandcreaky

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Re: Family been passive aggressive, reason is... (Vent)
« Reply #10 on: March 31, 2020, 07:52:19 am »
Vincente, thanks for casting light on your culture's dynamics.

I'm an American who lives in a touristy part of New England. Poor families in trailers who trace their local lineage back hundreds of years live beside rich people who build their seventh or ninth mansion on the coast. Then there are the recently arrived middle class, like me.

Unlike many American communities, where the rich, poor, and middle class separate, with the rich sometimes literally behind walls and the poor in ghettos, where I live, we're all jumbled together, which lets me observe that the rich build their compounds, with multiple houses, so that they can gather once a year, and the poor build their compounds, with multiple trailers, where they live side by side all year, and we middle class folks live alone with our nuclear families.

But back to you: It's past time for you to go, Vincente. I do worry about your stretched lobes. That might limit employment options, but if you were to attend to those lobes and cinch them up, wouldn't you rather have the safety and sanity of your own place rather than your fashion statement?

Offline Battle Goddess

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Re: Family been passive aggressive, reason is... (Vent)
« Reply #11 on: March 31, 2020, 09:17:46 am »
Vincente, thanks for casting light on your culture's dynamics....

But back to you: It's past time for you to go, Vincente.

I elided @Oldandcreaky's point about how she and I are from the USA, which may color our opinions, but I concur with her.

I left home when I was 18, too. It really can be done, and it works out fine. 26 is a great age to strike out on your own.

Absolutely there are barriers. Cultural, financial, emotional... you just gotta decide what is most important to you.
"It's not really a choice. Because we're not choosing to transition...we're choosing to be happy." -- SarahC

Spironolactone January 10 2019
Divigel January 20 2019
Estradiol Valerate March 14 2019

Offline Vicente

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Re: Family been passive aggressive, reason is... (Vent)
« Reply #12 on: March 31, 2020, 12:22:47 pm »
@Oldandcreaky

That actually sounds kinda neat. Here we have a HUGE division by class. To give you an idea, once me and my friend went to a shopping in a "noble area" as we call it, and it was physically uncomfortable being there because everyone was looking at us and the security guard was following us for no other reason than we didn't wore Gucci or the like. When we left (without any incident, thankfully), the security talked something over the radio, probably that we left. The disgust people feel towards each other is proportional to the gap between classes, it's gross.

About the lobes, it's all covered  :) they are big but not enough that the skin around them is visibly stretched. It's not uncommon here for ladies to wear fairly sized earrings (I'm still presenting female), including in more conservative workplaces. All I gotta do is put solid plugs instead of tunnels (the ones with a hole in the middle) and it's not visible. I can also use an even smaller size filled with tape, so it's even less noticeable. However, if I apply to one of those "cool kid" type of companies like chilli beans, they will come in handy being shown. If anything, I actually broadened my options since I never saw anyone at chilli beans (or any non-conservative company) without piercings and tattoos, it's their dress code it seems lol

The size I'm on is the sweet spot where I can enjoy myself and not have them hinder any employment chance. We have been on a employment crisis for a while now, and companies only want to hire those with registered experience (and a ridiculous amount of it, they want one person to do everything so they can save money), making it hard for younger people (or people who have the experience but simply weren't registered) to get a job. In fact, I fell for this trap because I needed to work, not having experience made companies propose to hire me informally and was either this or nothing at all. Two wrongs don't make a right but I had the short end of the stick.
I thought a lot about them getting in the way and carefully checked my options, and saw how viable and how far I could go. I would gladly give my pinkie for money to move, my lobes are the last thing that would get in my way.

Maybe the way I wrote was like a angsty teen lol but seriously, body modification is a important thing to me, more than a fashion statement. There's something particularly freeing about it, and also a way to boost self esteem (which is something that I've been lacking a lot ever since first puberty), but they won't be a problem.
After all, I have them for my own happiness, being unemployed because of them would be counterproductive and contradictory. Specially considering the amount of money transitioning will take, due a stupid peanut allergy I'll have to spare three times the value I initially thought for HRT. I'll end up costing more than a Lamborghini in 10 years, hormones, therapy and surgeries haha.

@Battle Goddess

I understand! Culture really color our views and behaviors. I don't have the load of having to move asap because of my age (in fact my mother keep preaching on how she wish my sister who moved out would come back).

I'm honestly ready to move, but it's way harder here because of how expensive it is. Minimum wage is 1 grand a month (and most things are paid monthly). Rent is no less than 600 in my state, and to be financially stable, it's recommended to only use 30% MAXIMUM of what you earn (in this case it would be 300).
Each time you go to the market it's easy to spend 40 for food that will last for maybe a week. Gas is 70 a month if you're wise and don't bake or roast anything (it's cheaper to prepare your own meals). Water for one person would be around 60 but the sewer service is the same price as the bill so that would be 120. Electricity around 70 if you don't stay at home most of the day.
Note that I didn't included anything besides basic bills and rent. That alone is 980 bucks, leaving only 20 bucks to do anything else like clothes, emergencies, other supplies besides food and all. This is for a single person, no pets, not paying debts.
Also worth noting that there's discounts over your wage, even if you're paid 1000, it doesn't mean you'll end up with that amount in hands. To not live in a dire situation, it would require to earn at least 2 k. My sister earn a little more than that, after over 4 years working on the same company and almost arguing with her boss to get a deserved rise. Several times.

I could move states, but most employment opportunities are on the one I currently live (and they are not too good either) and it would require to save a money I won't have living by myself before graduation (won't be able to move before that anyway), without anywhere to go if it went sour and I didn't managed to get a job before moving (which is a very real possibility). Either way, as long it's near a medium sized city, the rent is still around 600, and I've yet to find somewhere that's cheaper but seems like a lost cause and I gotta pull my weight to make more money in a broken country that is reluctant to hire "inexperienced" people.

@both sorry for the long post and the amount of numbers lmao makes me mad thinking about it. This is vent topic after all (though it escalated quickly).

Offline Oldandcreaky

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Re: Family been passive aggressive, reason is... (Vent)
« Reply #13 on: March 31, 2020, 01:50:28 pm »
It's interesting to read about your country, culture, and life, Vicente. Thanks for sharing.

Offline Vicente

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Re: Family been passive aggressive, reason is... (Vent)
« Reply #14 on: March 31, 2020, 03:09:33 pm »
No problem, I'm glad there's people interested and reading my rambling haha.
I also got to learn a thing or two, I'm thankful for that too.

Offline Oldandcreaky

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Re: Family been passive aggressive, reason is... (Vent)
« Reply #15 on: April 01, 2020, 07:45:34 am »
No problem, I'm glad there's people interested and reading my rambling haha.
I also got to learn a thing or two, I'm thankful for that too.

Cool beans!  ;)

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