Author Topic: Lack of a love life  (Read 618 times)

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Offline Dany

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Lack of a love life
« on: April 10, 2020, 08:05:52 pm »
How do you get over the fact that at 29 I still haven't had any success whatsoever in my love life? Never had a boyfriend or girlfriend, never had sex for love or kissed someone passionately too. Lately my inability to lead a normal and healthy sexual life has been making continuing to live quite the task. It's just not worth it to continue going without human touch, you know. All I wanted is be hugged and kissed but uh...I never get it. I don't know what to do. I better be able to do the main surgery soon otherwise I don't think I'll have enough in me to keep living this way.

Offline Idontknowbutiwould

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Re: Lack of a love life
« Reply #1 on: April 10, 2020, 08:21:13 pm »
It is difficult to know why you have not had a single success at 29. It could be because you are a little antisocial or you have not had confidence in yourself. It shocks me to think about it because at 18 I have slept with many people and have had two serious relationships. But I must also say that today relationships tend to fail, we live in a world with many different opinions and these can clash with each other. I have also met a couple of virgin people who were over 20 and 30. Each person is a world, I have always been very active and sometimes I regret it, so having an active life does not mean happiness since all deep down we look for love but we don't know how to find it, that is not exclusive to the genre. I think that even though you are older than me, you are still young and various opportunities may arise if you trust yourself. Although I have to tell you, the surgery does not imply a radical change in your love life. I will undergo the surgery because already knowing what love life is like, I will not have complexes when it comes to sleeping with someone or having a partner and I will not have to explain
18 years old.

2008: Put a wig on primary school
2014: Coming out to my family
2016: Puberty blockers
2017: Real life experience
2018: Breast augmentation with paternal consent
2019: Identity document changed
2020: Getting my SRS and FFS? I hope

Offline BrightWindow

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Re: Lack of a love life
« Reply #2 on: April 11, 2020, 04:01:35 am »
I've been looking for 4 years and I still haven't found someone.

I don't need a boyfriend or girlfriend, but it would be nice to be in a relationship, so I will take the chance if I get it, but I am not as desperate as I once was.
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Offline Rakel

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Re: Lack of a love life
« Reply #3 on: April 11, 2020, 05:51:45 am »
Personal relationships are way too complex to summarize in just a few sentences. Exactly where are you with your interactions with other people? A good counselor should be able to help you discover what is not working for you.

In my experience, I have noticed that those people with good relationships are people who always give of themselves, never thinking of what they will get in return.

I seriously doubt that any surgery will change your personal relationships. After all, you are only changing a small part of  your physical self.




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Offline Maid Marion

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Re: Lack of a love life
« Reply #4 on: April 11, 2020, 06:13:59 am »
It means you don't have Down's syndrome.  They are very perceptive to non-verbal communication and form relationships easily.

People with disorders like Autism often have problems making relationships at a young age.  They don't understand the non-verbal clues that are a big part of western mating rituals.
But, many do figure it out and form relationships later in life.  A diagnosis can be useful for knowing what your issues are.

I'd have to agree that transitioning, all by itself, isn't going to help get you a relationship.  While being able to properly express yourself will help, most people still prefer to date CIS people.  Or non-binary people who don't intend to get surgery.

Offline KathyLauren

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Re: Lack of a love life
« Reply #5 on: April 11, 2020, 06:30:31 am »
I was still a virgin at 30, and I didn't find love until I was 45.  It happens, and the reasons are too complex to understand in a post or two.  I could list a few factors that affected me that way (hint: one of them was being trans and not knowing it), but they won't be relevant to you: you will have your own factors.

All you can do is accept that it is what it is, and figure out what you want to do from here on.  I resolved to get out and meet people without looking for a partner.  I joined a couple of organizations doing fun things that I would enjoy doing for their own sake.  That way, worst case, I would do something fun.  Best case, I would meet interesting people and I might hook up with one of them.  Counselling helped. 
2015-07-04 Awakening; 2015-11-15 Out to self; 2016-06-22 Out to wife; 2016-10-27 First time presenting in public; 2017-01-20 Started HRT!!; 2017-04-20 Out publicly, beginning full-time; 2017-07-10 Legal name change; 2019-02-15 Approval for GRS; 2019-08-02 Official gender change; 2020-03-11 GRS!; 2020-09-30 New birth certificate; 2021-03-10 consultation for ongoing pain




Offline Vicente

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Re: Lack of a love life
« Reply #6 on: April 11, 2020, 06:38:34 am »
Without your background and knowing a bit about you, it's hard to advise something.

I for one, had my first relationship at 16, another at 17 that lasted six years but we still had a go until last November. Other than that, I never tried anything with anyone else and that's because I always were very skittish with physical touch, nowadays I'm terrified. I found out that the only facial expressions I'm capable of are nothing, hate and disdain, no matter my true feelings. It means whenever someone talks to me I can't help but express "I really wish I wasn't talking to you" and also mastered the art of replying people nicely but not leaving any room to keep a conversation going, so it really pushes people away. However, didn't noticed that until a friend pointed out.

Maybe you are the same?

Offline Oldandcreaky

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Re: Lack of a love life
« Reply #7 on: April 11, 2020, 06:54:50 am »
Dany, you might think I'm being flip, but get a cat or dog. Touch your pet and your body will release endorphins. Likewise, you touch will release endorphins in your pet. That'll not just teach you the <breast> for tat of touching, but bridge to a relationship with a human.

Offline Maid Marion

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Re: Lack of a love life
« Reply #8 on: April 11, 2020, 08:50:16 am »
The other side always looks easier.  But, when it comes to getting meaningful relationships, I think women have it just as hard as men.

Offline Paul Muad-Dib

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Re: Lack of a love life
« Reply #9 on: April 11, 2020, 09:26:25 am »
Relationships are nice, but they require effort and sacrifices and they come with their own problems without fail. There's no person out there who will be perfect and won't have their own spin to bring to a relationship so it's best to have become comfortable and confident with yourself before diving in to potentially getting wrapped up in someone else's dramas and problems too. 

If there's one thing I would say in advice it's that you want to enter a relationship from a position of personal strength rather than need. Because they can/will present their own challenges and you don't want to be in such a position of need that it'll destroy you if things don't work out. Make sure you feel capable before diving in.

As for how do you deal with it... well if you need to be with someone you need to ask yourself what makes you desirable to others in the first place, work out what that is and then enhance it. Most people find a person's looks or physical presence the first thing that will draw them in, but then also their personality, wealth, etc. Are you looking for men or women? Because men and women typically want different things from a partner. In my experience I was never going to be a Brad Pitt or an Angelina Jolie in the looks department, but I worked on my social skills and got out there and made friends doing things that interested me. I was never looking for someone in the sense I was constantly thinking about needing a partner. If anything it was the opposite because I didn't want to deal with the sex problem trans issues bring, but I still met and had long-term relationships with people. But I made sure from the first day that there was a component of trust and friendship there, which is why I've never been too unlucky in the love department.

So work on yourself and be honest about what it is that others will be looking for, and try to be the best person you can be without "expecting" too much from others, and these things have a way of paying themselves back to you. But also don't let yourself down by settling for just anyone for the sake of love. Make sure it's someone who will compliment and not abuse you. The risks of relationships can be high so make sure you have your own back in them too.

Offline Oldandcreaky

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Re: Lack of a love life
« Reply #10 on: April 11, 2020, 09:50:14 am »
Relationships are nice, but they require effort and sacrifices and they come with their own problems without fail. There's no person out there who will be perfect and won't have their own spin to bring to a relationship so it's best to have become comfortable and confident with yourself before diving in to potentially getting wrapped up in someone else's dramas and problems too. 

If there's one thing I would say in advice it's that you want to enter a relationship from a position of personal strength rather than need. Because they can/will present their own challenges and you don't want to be in such a position of need that it'll destroy you if things don't work out. Make sure you feel capable before diving in.

As for how do you deal with it... well if you need to be with someone you need to ask yourself what makes you desirable to others in the first place, work out what that is and then enhance it. Most people find a person's looks or physical presence the first thing that will draw them in, but then also their personality, wealth, etc. Are you looking for men or women? Because men and women typically want different things from a partner. In my experience I was never going to be a Brad Pitt or an Angelina Jolie in the looks department, but I worked on my social skills and got out there and made friends doing things that interested me. I was never looking for someone in the sense I was constantly thinking about needing a partner. If anything it was the opposite because I didn't want to deal with the sex problem trans issues bring, but I still met and had long-term relationships with people. But I made sure from the first day that there was a component of trust and friendship there, which is why I've never been too unlucky in the love department.

So work on yourself and be honest about what it is that others will be looking for, and try to be the best person you can be without "expecting" too much from others, and these things have a way of paying themselves back to you. But also don't let yourself down by settling for just anyone for the sake of love. Make sure it's someone who will compliment and not abuse you. The risks of relationships can be high so make sure you have your own back in them too.

^24K^

Offline madeleine

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Re: Lack of a love life
« Reply #11 on: April 11, 2020, 10:38:13 am »
Dany, I got three things that you want out of your post : 1) relationship; 2) sex; 3) touch.

These are different things, although they are can be woven together if we are lucky.  There seems to be some good advice on relationships so I won't talk about that and besides I'm not that good at relationships!

Do you feel a deep need for sex or do feel that you should have had sex by now?  If it is the should feeling, then I encourage you to really think about why you haven't had sex yet.  Maybe there is a good reason.  For trans folk, sex can be very complicated, Paul Muad-Dib mentioned this.  I don't what your reason is, but be honest with yourself and find out.  If you feel a real need for sex, then start with yourself.  I'm being very serious here: love yourself physically, sexually, sensually (also love yourself emotionally and in every other way, but that is a big topic in itself).  This is different from just getting yourself off (though that's good too). I say this as someone who has just come out to herself recently - there is so much I have to learn!   

The desire to touch and to be touched is a basic human need, in fact a need of many organisms of all kinds.  Unfortunately, with covid, this is not a good time to be touching people you don't know well.  That sucks.  Since that is out, every once in a while, take the time to touch yourself non-sexually.  Oldandcreaky is right about pets.  I used to live with two cats and one was "mine."  I learned what she liked and didn't like about being touched and petted and she learned the same about me (minus the petting).  If I was stressed out and then started petting and touching her my body reacted positively (heart beat, blood pressure, whatever) and I felt better.  And so did the cat: it is like a biofeedback loop.  In fact, pets may be better than people for this kind of touching.  Humans are so much more complicated!

Now that I've got this all out, I can see a theme: self love.  I could not love myself until I came out to myself and admitted there was a woman inside me.  I've spent most of my adult life without self love and now that I have it, I'm not giving it up.  If you can love yourself, accepting your traits and quirks without judgement - even just for a minute - the rest of this might come more easily,


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