Community Conversation > Female to male transsexual talk (FTM)

Hopelessness (as a trans guy)

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WillTaylorSmith:
Recent overdoses and feeling low and insecure with my trans identity. When everything felt like it was going well, I chose my name, I had a plan to come out to the people I haven’t yet come out too and I was supposed to be hearing from tavistock soon! All <screwed> by lockdown and it’s only allowed for overthinking and suicidal thoughts to sink in


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Vicente:
The lockdown really been taking a toll on many trans folks, specially those who are in the process of transitioning.

When you're getting things done and is suddenly put on halt, it's very depressing. It's not your fault, and it's not something you can control, but knowing that won't make things easier. It can be very hard to shake off this feeling of helplessness, but know that it DO get better... However, no win comes without a fight, and the hardest one is the one inside your head.

I know that way too well.

I have an appointment by the end of next month. I didn't wanted to go even to check for my health (depression made me not care enough). I managed to finally put my head in the right place to do so and bam, lockdown. I'm not sure if my appointment will be cancelled due how unpredictable things have been. From this appointment, I would start therapy, ask to see a gender therapist and do what I was supposed to do after over 7 years in denial and tiptoeing. Uncertainty is bad, the wait makes it worst.

I've been interacting more with my family who is lgbt-phobic and have a awful negative energy. I'm closet to them, and decided that I won't come out. The stress is simply not worth it. They are not worth it. Giving hints and watching their reactions to stuff been showing me that. I'll have to move away and hide myself in the meantime.

And then there's the extra time to grind on stuff. I'm 26, even though I'm basically a baby age wise, I can't help but think I'm late and this feeling of urgency is overwhelming. I wonder a lot if that's even worth it at this point. Been drinking more, and even though the intention was to soothe the pain, it actually makes my head spin more around my problems. Been there, done that more times than I can count yet there I was, drunk before 8 am, even knowing that's not the answer.

I'm aware most of the things I do (self destructive behavior wise) and tell myself are wrong. I'm not old, I'm not broken beyond fixing, I'm worth it, the journey towards my happiness is worth it. However, sometimes we are in such a dark place that we cannot see the light. Awareness almost doesn't matter.

I do believe the best thing we can do right now is slowing down. There's nothing much we can do, and as much it feel hopeless, it's actually something that can be taken advantage of. One thing I found that helps is focusing on personal growth. Learning a new skill seems like the best. We gotta do the best we can, not only during quarantine, but through all our lives.
Easier said than done.
But it gets better.

When this ends or at least start to calm down, you'll be able to get things done. When this will be doesn't matter. The time will come when it comes, trying to guess only builds frustration, anxiety and depression. Bringing tomorrow's problems today is a huge disservice towards yourself.

The important thing is to try having more good days than bad ones. I for one am writing this while recovering from a hangover, so I know how hard it can be. Just hold on.

My PMs is open if you ever feel the need to talk.

MeTony:
A bit late answer.

Suicidal thinking is common among us. I’ve been in hospital some months ago because of suicidal thinking and actions.

The suffering is real. Find support. Here. Or some online support group. You can make it through this.

I hope you feel better today.



Tony

WillTaylorSmith:

--- Quote from: MeTony on June 14, 2020, 12:50:26 pm ---A bit late answer.

Suicidal thinking is common among us. I’ve been in hospital some months ago because of suicidal thinking and actions.

The suffering is real. Find support. Here. Or some online support group. You can make it through this.

I hope you feel better today.



Tony

--- End quote ---
I do feel better today thanks tony. I too tried something a week or so ago but I am feeling better now and less hopeless.


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MeTony:
That’s good to hear.

I know it is hard, but reach out next time you feel like doing stuff that you can not regret.

We’re here for each other.

I know it is hard to do. I’m one of those that believe I manage by mysef. But I learned from my time in hospital (2 months) that I NEED other people. I NEED them to help me.

I will try to remember that. I wish you will too.


Tony

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