Author Topic: White Rabbit's ramblings  (Read 3365 times)

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Offline Maddie

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Re: White Rabbit's ramblings
« Reply #160 on: June 13, 2020, 04:04:58 pm »
So today at the joint clinic when I had to out myself as trans she asked what my birth gender was.
Are you difficult to tell?

Offline Julie H

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Re: White Rabbit's ramblings
« Reply #161 on: June 13, 2020, 08:24:14 pm »
I honestly didn't think so but maybe with the face mask on. Kind of validating though.
Julie

Offline Maddie

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Re: White Rabbit's ramblings
« Reply #162 on: June 13, 2020, 08:58:12 pm »
Then I am happy for you Julie 😊

Offline Julie H

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Re: White Rabbit's ramblings
« Reply #163 on: June 14, 2020, 06:50:17 pm »
To be honest when I look into the mirror all I see is a fat ugly male that will always look like a fat ugly male. That being said I have been "mistaken" for female while presenting as male more then once.
Julie

Offline davina61

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Re: White Rabbit's ramblings
« Reply #164 on: June 15, 2020, 02:21:50 am »
It sneaks up on you then suddenly BOOM !!!!
a long time coming (out) HRT 12 2017


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Know a bit about everything but not enough to be clever

Offline Julie H

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Re: White Rabbit's ramblings
« Reply #165 on: June 15, 2020, 09:22:39 am »
 :)
Julie

Offline Julie H

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Re: White Rabbit's ramblings
« Reply #166 on: June 24, 2020, 07:25:44 am »
Wow since upping my estrogen dose I have been getting really sleepy, I can sleep most of the day and night now.
Julie

Offline JanePlain

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Re: White Rabbit's ramblings
« Reply #167 on: July 01, 2020, 10:45:02 pm »
I think estrogen is a great antidepressant!  And highly addictive.

Offline Julie H

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Re: White Rabbit's ramblings
« Reply #168 on: July 02, 2020, 08:00:35 am »
****Trigger Warning- talk of suicide***







In the long run I don't know if estrogen will keep me alive but I think that if it is taken away from me then I likely will die.

I have had issues with suicidal idealization for over 30 years now and some times it would get really bad. I went diy for about 9 months and mostly that went away. When my hormones were destroyed in my apartment fire I lasted less then 2 months before I was actually going to make an attempt. During this time I was waiting to see my doctor to try to go legit. It was a rough 3-4 months until I could get back on hormones.
Julie

Offline Sarah-Red

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Re: White Rabbit's ramblings
« Reply #169 on: July 03, 2020, 01:43:07 pm »
****Trigger Warning- talk of suicide***







In the long run I don't know if estrogen will keep me alive but I think that if it is taken away from me then I likely will die.

I have had issues with suicidal idealization for over 30 years now and some times it would get really bad. I went diy for about 9 months and mostly that went away. When my hormones were destroyed in my apartment fire I lasted less then 2 months before I was actually going to make an attempt. During this time I was waiting to see my doctor to try to go legit. It was a rough 3-4 months until I could get back on hormones.

That's pretty extreme, but I guess I understand it a little. If I hadn't managed to get hormones, I dont know what i would've done. Odds are you'll be able to keep on them, but even if something happens, just remember the future is open and there's reason to live (including more hormones :P)

Hope things are going alright with you these days.

Offline Julie H

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Re: White Rabbit's ramblings
« Reply #170 on: July 03, 2020, 07:52:57 pm »
TRIGGER WARNING- talk of suicide





If I have to see local psychiatrist then I don't trust that they won't order me off of hormones in favour of anti depressants. They are not familiar with trans issues and if they are anything like the ones I had to deal with before then they won't listen to anyone else.

When I was about to attempt suicide I had spent the day frustrated but suddenly all emotion just ended and I was like right lets do this. Fortunately I didn't have the items that I needed so I didn't actually try (I was starting new after my last apartment had burned to the ground so I didn't have much).


I am not suicidal currently and usually when I do get suicidal it is easy to brush it off.
Julie

Online Northern Star Girl

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Re: White Rabbit's ramblings
« Reply #171 on: July 03, 2020, 11:02:17 pm »
TRIGGER WARNING- talk of suicide
- - - - - -snipped- - - -
I am not suicidal currently and usually when I do get suicidal it is easy to brush it off.
@Julie H
Dear Julie:
I am so very relieved and so glad to read your last sentence.....
Stay strong and determined....  be positive and continue to utilize your thread to vent your feelings... good therapy!!!

HUGS and my best wishes to you.... 
Danielle
***SEE MY LINKS BELOW
The Ramblings of a Northern*Star Girl
A New Chapter: ALASKAN DANIELLE's Chronicles
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Things change re: ALASKAN DANIELLE
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Started HRT:   March 2015
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I'm a blonde, blue eyed woman, Age 40

Offline Julie H

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Re: White Rabbit's ramblings
« Reply #172 on: July 04, 2020, 04:34:47 pm »
The real problem now is when it gets dark for me I want to stop hormones in order to trigger suicidal moods. At least it is another step giving me a month or two in order to recover before I do anything. :)
Julie

Offline Maddie

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Re: White Rabbit's ramblings
« Reply #173 on: July 08, 2020, 07:30:54 am »
The real problem now is when it gets dark for me I want to stop hormones in order to trigger suicidal moods. At least it is another step giving me a month or two in order to recover before I do anything. :)
Trying to not say stuff like that in front of doctors=me
Julie hon you need to take that brain out and let it just play with itself for a while.  It's got it out for you, and needs something else to do.
Self-program survival mode=take hormones=preserve hormone supply=don't add or honor suicidal thoughts that aren't there
Did you ever put photos up here on the forum way back?

Offline Julie H

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Re: White Rabbit's ramblings
« Reply #174 on: July 08, 2020, 07:35:29 am »
No I don't post photo's of myself anywhere on the net. I have never felt comfortable doing that.
Julie

Offline Julie H

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Re: White Rabbit's ramblings
« Reply #175 on: July 31, 2020, 08:28:46 am »
Sorry for not posting lately I just haven't felt like sharing. Though I do have my second appointment with my psychiatrist on the 25th of Aug. Once again it is going to be through webex so thankfully I don't have to fly to Toronto to see her face to face.
Julie

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