Author Topic: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?  (Read 8126 times)

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Offline sarahc

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Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
« Reply #160 on: May 31, 2020, 05:17:17 pm »

I wonder how many more out there are not talking out of doubt or fear. I was brought up in a conservative home and I am a Born Again Christian. Much of the population and churches rail against this, but here I am.

I am pretty sure that for every older trans person who is out, there are at least 5x who have been questioning their entire lives or are secretly closeted. The ratio is perhaps a bit lower for younger adults, but it’s still a big multiple of closeted to out.

Sarah
----
47 years young.
Known that I am trans since...forever.
First therapy session / decided to transition / hair removal: October 2018
HRT: January 2019 (journal https://www.susans.org/forums/index.phpVF/topic,244009.0.html)
VFS: September 2019; three-month report here
Full-time: April 2020
FFS: April August 2020 (assuming no more coronavirus-driven rescheduling... :-\)
SRS: January 2021

Offline Emma1017

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Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
« Reply #161 on: June 01, 2020, 01:22:15 pm »
Sarah I absolutely agree. 

Society has done a great job in accentuating that fear and doubt.  My brief time on this site has impressed me with the endless stories of personal courage.  How can anyone blame someone to choose a path of least resistance?  Life right now is tough enough.  It takes so much to transition. 

I truly believe that as time progresses being transgender will be better understood and accepted.  It's just the baby boomer transgender generation that still suffers from the legacy of gender ignorance.  I have tremendous confidence that science, psychology and medicine will continue to strip away that ignorance over time.
The heart has reasons that reason can not understand.

             My Transgender Manifesto

Offline KimOct

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Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
« Reply #162 on: June 01, 2020, 09:12:51 pm »
This journey will be the same as all other journeys of marginalized people.  Recent events have reminded those of us that don't live it in our daily lives of the injustice of decades and centuries of racism.  The gay community has made significant progress but make no mistake they are not considered equals by all.

The transgender community is in our early steps of our journey to acceptance.  I know there are those that transitioned decades ago - I cannot imagine the difficulty they endured.  But in upcoming decades society will evolve - slowly.

That is why I am personally proud to live as openly transgender.  It was not my plan.  I wanted to appear cis.  I wanted the ability to be stealth. 

But a huge silver lining in that disappointment is I firmly believe that by living as openly transgender - by not passing - and being so very publicly visible as I am that I am helping to move the needle with hundreds of people that know me and I am certain that I have created greater acceptance in society.  Am I changing the world?  Well at least a tiny part of it.
The first transphobe you have to conquer is yourself

Offline KimOct

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Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
« Reply #163 on: June 01, 2020, 09:22:21 pm »
Emma

You summed up what I feel and have thought for a long time. Like you I just want to live out the rest of my life in peace and happiness. At this moment HRT and living as my true femmin self is enough. But who know GCS may be in my future

Ellen

Ellen my reply is really directed to readers and not specifically to you.

For those that believe transition is right for them have realistic expectations.  The goal is to be happi(ER) to find MORE peace.  It is not always going to be rainbows and unicorns and flowers and sunshine.  (sounds pretty good though right? ) ;D

Life still happens.  I had a heart attack last month - I am fine.  There is a pandemic - people lose their jobs.
People get sick - people have their hearts broken.  UGH what a Debbie Downer I am.  :D

The point is life still happens.  You will not be happy all the time.  You might get misgendered.  You may be rejected by people in your life.

But as I said the goal is to be HAPPIER.  To find your own peace.  At least the peace of living as who you are.  It is not for everyone.  And yes I have moments that I think <not allowed> was the point?  But 99.9% of the time I know I did the right thing.

If deep down in your soul you know that you are not living as who you truly are - then find the courage to do something about it.  Don't rationalize - don't find reasons not to do it.  As a friend of mine on this site
Ashley - once told me - put on your big girl panties.  :D 
The first transphobe you have to conquer is yourself

Offline Confused1

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Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
« Reply #164 on: June 01, 2020, 10:47:05 pm »
Ellen my reply is really directed to readers and not specifically to you.

For those that believe transition is right for them have realistic expectations.  The goal is to be happi(ER) to find MORE peace.  It is not always going to be rainbows and unicorns and flowers and sunshine.  (sounds pretty good though right? ) ;D

Life still happens.  I had a heart attack last month - I am fine.  There is a pandemic - people lose their jobs.
People get sick - people have their hearts broken.  UGH what a Debbie Downer I am.  :D

The point is life still happens.  You will not be happy all the time.  You might get misgendered.  You may be rejected by people in your life.

But as I said the goal is to be HAPPIER.  To find your own peace.  At least the peace of living as who you are.  It is not for everyone.  And yes I have moments that I think <not allowed> was the point?  But 99.9% of the time I know I did the right thing.

If deep down in your soul you know that you are not living as who you truly are - then find the courage to do something about it.  Don't rationalize - don't find reasons not to do it.  As a friend of mine on this site
Ashley - once told me - put on your big girl panties.  :D

Hi Kim,

Are you changing the world? I don't know about that, but you ARE changing part of it. I and several others have read Emma's threads as "lurkers". Along the way I have gained respect for you and a few others for some of the responses to Emma.

As I stated previously I have physical ailment that is a constant and won't let me forget it. When I explained to my GP a little over a year ago what I am living with and why my blood sugar has been high, he looked like he had seen a ghost. He immediately told me to come back in 3 months and just left the room. He was visibly upset. (It is probably better not to explain it here) On top of that I have had varying dysphoria that I have lived with for 65 years.

Just as Emma, I have lied to myself about it being there for a large portion of my life. I see myself having many of the same thoughts, feelings, and reluctance that Emma has. My dysphoria is just not currently as strong. Her threads drew me in so much I could not stop reading and spent several days reading from beginning to the current post. I felt like I was almost reading my own story. You have been spot on and said what she needed to hear, but so did I.

Even though I know I need GRS, it scares me to death to have the surgery, but I know I must. I am not afraid of the changes that will be made. I was scared of the prostate surgery (I wasn't scared enough) and also the radiation, but sometimes you have to do what is necessary. Emma has had a business to prepare for her son along with a Cis wife that have kept her from making the transition. I went through some of the same issues and feelings with my wife as Emma did. Happily, mine is now mostly on board. There is no way to know that upfront or if it will last. I have had to fight cancer twice now, and I plan to win. Once I do, I really have no other choice than to get GRS to improve my life and make it worth living again. Thank you for being you and being there!

Offline Stepheewt

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Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
« Reply #165 on: June 02, 2020, 01:40:32 am »
Emma...... Hey there stranger..... Thought I’d stop by and check on you. Truly hope that things are coming together for you and your head, it’s been a very hard couple of months for me. But from the ashes I have risen. Days are still very hard but I found my true self. Fact I’ve actually started going out as Nicole in public now. Still not fully out but I definitely know this is always been my path.

Looks like you know worked your way from the pain ....to knowing you were trans, .....to knowing now you are going to transition. ....I can’t wait to see the smile it brings to you and freedom it gives you. When you can actually have moments where the dysphoria is taken off of you like somebody pulling a weighted blanket off of your body. That will truly be the moment, you will know. Thank you for the PMs along the way it’s been a lot that you checked up on me, sorry I haven’t been around here as much. PM me again and I’ll let you know how I’m doing.

Hugs
Nicole
All the stuff I have done for years was just to relieve the symptoms of this issue. I was always afraid of the cure.[/i]

My Story found at Stepheewt Pod Cast Thread now in member blogs all are welcome to post

Yes Stephee it turns out, may have changed, Going by Nicole but call me either

Offline Emma1017

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Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
« Reply #166 on: June 02, 2020, 08:28:53 am »
Wow, so many great thoughts and great news in 24 hours!

Confused I am so glad that my threads meant something to you.  As you know, Kim as well as others, kept encouraging me to continue, both for myself and for others.  It has made the efforts worth while.  You have clearly been through so much.  It is great to hear that you are finding your own peace and joy.

Kim, you are one of the elder states-persons on this site.  I always appreciate the extra efforts you make to help us all.  I also respect (though not always agree with ;D) your opinions.  They are always helpful.  They make sure that we think and that they remind us of the collective experience our community has and continues to endure.  We need to share with each other and then with the world.  It's the best way to remove the blinding ignorance that is just so hurtful.

Nicole all I can say is "WOW!".  I am so happy that your world and your life has turned so positive.  It is so excellent to hear and what a great smile!


Hugs to you all,

Emma

The heart has reasons that reason can not understand.

             My Transgender Manifesto

Offline Emma1017

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Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
« Reply #167 on: June 03, 2020, 08:57:38 am »
Just another churn:

                          I have always wanted to be an astronaut
                                And other transgender dreams


Growing up, like any child, I liked to day dream about the life I could have, no matter how outrageous.  As a child, I wanted to be an astronaut, a treasure hunter, a war hero and… a girl.  Go figure.

Being magically turned into a girl was one of my favorites. 

Early on, I recognized that my dream was totally wrong.  In the binary world that I was growing up in I was constantly corrected and funneled into the sex I was born as.   My penis made me a boy and that was it.

I never shared my day dream with anyone, ever.  Strangely, that was ok.  I always saw it as a day dream.  Like being an astronaut, it was something that would never be possible, it was just fun to play with.

I was never going to be an astronaut and I would always be a boy.

As my life moved along, my day dreams matured with me, the astronaut, the treasure hunter, the war hero and the girl.  Each had its own growing sophistication and depth.  Each had their own moments in my day, when I couldn’t read or couldn’t sleep.  They were my mental play things and I made the rules.  They could be as outrageous and outlandish as I chose.  They were not for public consumption; they were purely for my fun.

My “girl” day dream developed an interesting twist over time.  In the day dream, whatever changed me into a woman was never my fault.  I was always a victim of some accident that happened to me. It was never my responsibility.  I got struck by lightning or an electric cable or some other outside force that took away all of my personal blame or guilt for changing my gender.

So, by my 61th year, I never got to be John Wayne, Indiana Jones or Neil Armstrong but something started happening about being a girl.  Suddenly, after two psychologists, one psychiatrist, an endocrinologist, months of therapy, endless hours on the internet and scathing internal self-analysis, I found out I was really a girl all along.  I was Emma.

She was inside.  She was wired in my brain.  She was my gender not my biological sex.  All these years she was dressed like a guy but it was all a disguise.  She hid behind his sexual identity.  My fantasy was really my reality.

Now I need to figure out a way to live it.

Fairy tales do come true.


The heart has reasons that reason can not understand.

             My Transgender Manifesto

Offline Sephirah

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Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
« Reply #168 on: June 03, 2020, 02:22:00 pm »
My “girl” day dream developed an interesting twist over time.  In the day dream, whatever changed me into a woman was never my fault.  I was always a victim of some accident that happened to me. It was never my responsibility.  I got struck by lightning or an electric cable or some other outside force that took away all of my personal blame or guilt for changing my gender.

That's the thing. We know, even when we don't know we know. You know? ;D Being who you are isn't about blame. It's not about something you have any sort of control over as much as you have control over... the weather, or the orbit of the planets. It just is what it is. As a woman, you have no more guilt over being a woman than you do over having ten fingers and ten toes. It just is what it is. So why should it be your responsibility?

The deeper parts of our mind get things that the rational, obsessive, overthinking parts of our mind keep trying to explain away and justify. I think you've known the truth, deep down, for a long time. But accepting, and believing it is much, much harder.

Anyway, I just wanted to stop by and offer you a big hug. :)

Offline Confused1

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Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
« Reply #169 on: June 03, 2020, 02:31:21 pm »
Emma, something has been on my mind today. I sent you a PM

Offline Pammie

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Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
« Reply #170 on: June 03, 2020, 04:41:09 pm »
That's the thing. We know, even when we don't know we know. You know? ;D Being who you are isn't about blame. It's not about something you have any sort of control over as much as you have control over... the weather, or the orbit of the planets. It just is what it is. As a woman, you have no more guilt over being a woman than you do over having ten fingers and ten toes. It just is what it is. So why should it be your responsibility?

The deeper parts of our mind get things that the rational, obsessive, overthinking parts of our mind keep trying to explain away and justify. I think you've known the truth, deep down, for a long time. But accepting, and believing it is much, much harder.

Anyway, I just wanted to stop by and offer you a big hug. :)
Yay to hugs! It’s what I love the very most about this family - I love my hugs and want to spread some around!
I have learned so much on here and especially from Emma’s oh so eloquently described thoughts, challenges and progress! I’m definitely team Emma! Xxx


I opened the door and the light shone in

Offline Emma1017

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Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
« Reply #171 on: June 03, 2020, 05:49:47 pm »
Sephirah try as I might, I still carry a sense of guilty and responsibility.  No where near as much as two years ago.  My wall of denial still exists but at least there are less "bricks" :).

I hope, if/when I choose to transition, that the tide is in when I leap off the cliff.

Pammie I absolutely agree that I love hugs.  I love the rare "girl"hugs when I am Emma and the woman I am hugging knows it (only three in my life outside my wife know me as Emma.  My wife is still hugging her husband, a different kind of hug.)

So Pammie and Sephirah a HUGE HUG back!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!,

Emma
The heart has reasons that reason can not understand.

             My Transgender Manifesto

Online Dorit

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Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
« Reply #172 on: June 04, 2020, 12:51:31 am »
Just another churn:                        ]

So, by my 61th year, I never got to be John Wayne, Indiana Jones or Neil Armstrong but something started happening about being a girl.  Suddenly, after two psychologists, one psychiatrist, an endocrinologist, months of therapy, endless hours on the internet and scathing internal self-analysis, I found out I was really a girl all along.  I was Emma.

She was inside.  She was wired in my brain.  She was my gender not my biological sex.  All these years she was dressed like a guy but it was all a disguise.  She hid behind his sexual identity.  My fantasy was really my reality.

Now I need to figure out a way to live it.

Fairy tales do come true.
[/i]

We have so much in common.   We have both been privileged to live long enough to see that there is a solution.  Transition, and live your outward life in congruence with your inner identity and being!   It has taken me years of intensive therapy to undo the psycological damage of self rejection and shame about who I was, it was a product of the lack of understanding when we grew up.

I want to tell you that three years into my transition it is more and more a deep joy and satisfaction to me that somehow I found the determination and courage to do it so late in life.  Emma dear, come on over, it is awesome on the other side!
I first told a psychiatrist that I wanted to be a girl 1967 after a psychotic breakdown
Began therapy again with gender specialist 50 years later in September 2017
Began HRT November 2017
Name change with Israel Ministry of Interior March 2018
FFS September 2018
GCS December 2018
Gender change with Israel Ministry of Interior January 2019
BA July 2020

Offline Jenny_Oh

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Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
« Reply #173 on: June 04, 2020, 04:06:00 am »
Sephirah try as I might, I still carry a sense of guilty and responsibility.  No where near as much as two years ago.  My wall of denial still exists but at least there are less "bricks" :).

Oh, I never knew how much guilt and fear I carried until I am came out to my parents. They've literally thrown every transphobic idiom you can think of at me and I realize that none of it makes sense. I am a woman, I am me, I will not accept guilt or responsibility for coming out now. That's a product of the society we live in and I am no less a parent, father or partner because of it. I am woman.
    

Offline Emma1017

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Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
« Reply #174 on: June 04, 2020, 08:35:29 am »
I am sorry.  I am having a very bleak moment and I am using this thread to selfishly dump.  I changed my avatar because I can't look at that smile.

Every single day I am pounded by two different baseball bats, my need to change and my love for my wife.  For two very long years I have struggled to walk an increasingly thin path between the two…

And the path keeps getting thinner.  I will fall on one side or the other.  It seems that I will not be able to get both and I am crushed.

When I look at the smile of Emma, my soul feels my joy of recognition.  When I kiss my wife, my heart feels the warmth of our shared joy of our love.

How can I possibly choose?

Will I ever actually choose or will it just happen to me because of my inability to take a stand, to make a choice?
I am so emotionally lost in the tragedy, paradise lost versus paradise gained, pyrrhic victory, zero/sum, mutually assured destruction….

Heart and soul in direct confrontation, both destined for pain, regardless…

How incredibly sad

I am sorry for dumping.
The heart has reasons that reason can not understand.

             My Transgender Manifesto

Offline RandyL

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Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
« Reply #175 on: June 04, 2020, 01:01:47 pm »
Emma, you are not "selfishly" dumping. This is why your thread exists and why we are on it. We are here for you, just as you are here for us. Hugs!

I'm in a similar place, caught between opposing forces. Although it's not so clear to me that I must transition, the urges, the forces, are still present within me. I go through these bad days alternating with good days too.

I'm in a weird place at the moment. I attended a supposedly outdoor music jam with 6 other jam mates last Saturday. They are all like me, community minded, careful, mask wearing. But it began to rain and we crowded inside. Now I'm quarantined in the basement for a week. My wife was super angry the first couple of days, kind of scary. But we're reconciled and have dinner together, she on the upstairs deck and me in the yard. She feeds me and I thin scrub oaks (a never ending and heavy task here in the Colorado foothills). I was depressed at first and thought we were done. Now I feel better. It turns out the basement is where my skirts, dresses, bras, etc. live (but unfortunately not the femme shirts), so I'm taking some opportunity to dress as I please. What will happen when I go back upstairs? I don't know but I think I'm getting closer to the time where I need to face this more directly. I'm glad we have a really good counselor.

Well Emma, sorry I dumped on your thread heh heh More hugs from me. Take care!

Sent from my dual-floppy Victor 9000 using Tapatalk

Casting about for my best path forward...

Offline Jessica_Rose

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Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
« Reply #176 on: June 04, 2020, 02:11:52 pm »
Emma, there is a lyric from the song 'King of Anything' by Sarah Bareilles that rang true for me:

'All my life I've tried to make everyone happy,
While I just hurt and hide,
Waiting for someone to tell me it's my turn to decide.'

It may sound callous, but I didn't give my wife a vote. My anger had reached the point that I considered taking my own life on several occasions, and one day I was a heartbeat away from taking my life and the lives of my entire family. Once I discovered the source of my anger I no longer had a choice, I knew I had to transition. It certainly wasn't easy, but my wife stayed by my side. I asked her why she stayed, and she said 'because I love you.' She didn't love me because I was male, she loved me as a person. She was upset with me for a long time, but eventually she realized that we could continue our life together. Certainly our relationship has changed, but our love for one another has grown even stronger. Two days ago we celebrated our 36th Anniversary.

It can be a difficult, heart-wrenching decision, but love should always transcend gender. I wish you the best of luck.

Love always -- Jessica Rose
Journal thread - Jessica's Rose Garden
National Coming Out Day video - Coming Out - Jessica Rose
GCS Thread - GCS and BA with Dr. Ley on 21 Feb 2019 - Jessica_Rose
GCS II and FFS Thread - GCS II and FFS with Dr. Ley on 26 July 2019 - Jessica_Rose
23Mar2017 Started Estradiol / 16Feb2018 Full Time! / 21Feb2019 GCS Dr. Ley / 26July2019 GCS II & FFS Dr. Ley

Don't let others tell you who you are. Be yourself, the world will adjust. -- Jessica Rose

Online Northern Star Girl

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Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
« Reply #177 on: June 04, 2020, 03:56:22 pm »
@Jessica_Rose   @Emma1017  @RandyL
Dear Jessica Rose, RandyL and Emma:

Jessica Rose: You and I were thinking along the same lines... I agree with your statement.
  "It can be a difficult, heart-wrenching decision, but love should always transcend gender. I wish you the best of luck."

There are times that we must make our own decisions just for us, on the other hand when
life long relationships and marriage partners are involved is would be good to get
some kind of agreement or concession.
A delicate balance for sure,  I wish you well Emma

Yes indeed, as RandyL mentioned, this thread and the forums is a good place to "dump" and "vent" ... there are many like-minded members here ready to lend our ears and and our shoulders... we are always wishing success and happiness.

I love this song and I love her voice, thank for suggesting it Jessica Rose.

HUGS,
Danielle


Sara Bareilles - King of Anything (Official Music Video)

***SEE MY LINKS BELOW
The Ramblings of a Northern*Star Girl
A New Chapter: ALASKAN DANIELLE's Chronicles
I am the HUNTED PREY: Danielle’s Chronicles
Things change re: ALASKAN DANIELLE
Positive Mindset... put away negativity

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Offline Confused1

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Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
« Reply #178 on: June 04, 2020, 05:49:55 pm »
Emma,
Know my heart goes out to you.

My dysphoria is different and I don't think as bad as yours, but yet I know I must. Still, I question myself every day. If I didn't have my other problem, I don't think I could drag my wife over the finish line.

Remember, what is going on inside your wife is a struggle for her too.

I think you know that there are many of us rooting for you.

HUGS!

Offline Emma1017

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Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
« Reply #179 on: June 05, 2020, 08:32:51 am »
Yesterday I had a very lonely, very sad moment.  Thank you all for your thoughtfulness and support.

I know I have to transition and I am still fighting the need.  I totally accept that I have the selfish right for my survival but my heart can't accept the pain I will inflict to do it.

I absolutely know that I must be the one, the only one, to decide.  I could not put that burden on my wife.  It is not fair to place that responsibility on her.

I am alone with this decision and it is chewing me up.

I truly know what turmoil this has already caused my wife and I hate it.

I know that her love and her selfish need will have to guide her to her own decision once I make mine.

I know I will have to "man up" and "put my big girl panties on"....

and I know it will happen.

Thanks for listening.

The heart has reasons that reason can not understand.

             My Transgender Manifesto

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