Author Topic: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?  (Read 11010 times)

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Offline Emma1017

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Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
« Reply #320 on: July 02, 2020, 10:36:11 am »

I just had a therapy session and she knows from the last session that I explicitly said to my wife two weeks ago that my Plan B was surgery next year.  I told my therapist about my conversation with Mike and she slipped in the conversation that staying as is with the pain of dysphoria was now Plan B.  Its the first time she ever said clearly that she thought I was going to transition.

OK now I really hate everyone.   >:( ;D ::)


The heart has reasons that reason can not understand.

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Offline KimOct

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Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
« Reply #321 on: July 02, 2020, 01:09:04 pm »
Well I am glad I have more company.  I know you have hated me along.  :D ;D :D

The first transphobe you have to conquer is yourself

Offline Jessica_Rose

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Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
« Reply #322 on: July 02, 2020, 01:26:19 pm »
Unfortunately the pain of dysphoria won't go away on it's own, and it usually gets worse as times goes on. Only you can decide when the pain of one path becomes great enough to push you over to a new one. It's frightening, and it hurts. In my case I finally realized that staying on my old path wasn't helping those I loved, it was actually hurting them.

We all love you Emma!  Love always -- Jessica Rose
Journal thread - Jessica's Rose Garden
National Coming Out Day video - Coming Out - Jessica Rose
GCS Thread - GCS and BA with Dr. Ley on 21 Feb 2019 - Jessica_Rose
GCS II and FFS Thread - GCS II and FFS with Dr. Ley on 26 July 2019 - Jessica_Rose
23Mar2017 Started Estradiol / 16Feb2018 Full Time! / 21Feb2019 GCS Dr. Ley / 26July2019 GCS II & FFS Dr. Ley

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Offline Sephirah

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Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
« Reply #323 on: July 02, 2020, 01:57:46 pm »
Which brings me to Zen master Sephirah.  Doubts abound but to get where I am I have let go of a number of "cliffs".
They include: not jumping in front of the train, seeking professional help, telling my wife, telling my son, posting here, starting HRT and meeting with various surgeons.  The truly last cliff is starting irreversible surgeries and making a life time gender change.

That's the big one :o :o :o :o :o

No, sweetie. You only have one thing you're hanging onto. It's the same thing we all have. Accepting yourself. Accepting who you are. That's an easy thing to say... but a monstrously hard thing to do, for some people. You tell me repeatedly how it makes you feel... weird... to be addressed as beautiful. It's something you don't see within yourself. This is why. You struggle to identify with the word because you first need to accept that you're in a place where it makes sense.

Guys don't get called beautiful. Unless you're Alexander Skarsgård... that dude is legit beautiful. I rarely get attracted to people physically but... omg, I've been on a True Blood kick recently and he ticks all my boxes.

Anyway *Gandalf beard muttering* The reason it feels weird to you is because I can't help but think there's still a disconnect there for you. Maybe it's a defensive reaction... that if you admit that you are actually gorgeous then you have to admit that you're someone who is allowed to be called gorgeous without it sounding... weird.

This is the only thing you have to get past, sweetie. If you can do that... everything else will fall into place by itself. Trust me. :)

You are beautiful. You are a kind, gentle, sweet, funny, adorable soul. Your light shines bright behind your eyes, Emma. You just have to let go of the one thing which is preventing you from letting it shine.

Your image of you.

I believe in you.

*squeezy hugs*

L x

Offline Emma1017

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Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
« Reply #324 on: July 02, 2020, 03:05:05 pm »
Wow three more people to hate....wait...you're right Kim I have always hated you... ;D ;D ;D ;D

Kim, Jessica and Sephirah thank you with being patient with me.  I clearly have a lot of luggage to clear out.

Sephirah you are right, being called and pretty, as my therapist has pointed out multiple times, is a trigger word with me.  It upsets me and honestly flatters me at the same time.  For some reason all my life I react negatively to personal compliments, so being called beautiful presses that button...but in my soul I love it because my honest reaction is to literally blush (which I have never done in my entire life) and then I think "Do you really think so?" and then I get scared.

Jesus, I am 64 years old and I am acting like I'm a 14 year old girl...really creepy and weird.  This entire journey has been both weird and exciting.

Not one person who knows my truth has advised me to not transition...Even my wife simply hopes I won't but I wonder if she sees the handwriting on the wall.  We are both hoping for a miracle that I won't need to.  I think God is too busy for that miracle and Jessica you are right the pain not going away no matter how hard I try.

Kim you are right too (wow do all three of you have to be right...???) "best friend's advice was usually right whether I was giving or receiving. But usually we don't like hearing that advice or we would have done it already." 

This so massively hard.  I know I am protecting my wife, our relationship and my life to date.  I am standing on the last wall of acceptance.  There is almost nothing left but I am still clinging to the bricks...so it is just a matter of time I guess...it is just so tragically heartbreaking.  I truly hope it is worth all this pain I am inflicting :).

Thank you all for your incredibly generous and heartfelt support.


Massive hug,

Emma



The heart has reasons that reason can not understand.

             My Transgender Manifesto

Offline EllenW

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Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
« Reply #325 on: July 03, 2020, 10:33:45 am »
This so massively hard.  I know I am protecting my wife, our relationship and my life to date.  I am standing on the last wall of acceptance.  There is almost nothing left but I am still clinging to the bricks...so it is just a matter of time I guess...it is just so tragically heartbreaking.  I truly hope it is worth all this pain I am inflicting :).

Emma,
I did the same thing for decades. Trying to protect everything. However, my life is so much better now that I fully transitioned. I am fully accepted my everyone and my wife and I will be celebrating our 39th wedding anniversary next month as two women that love each other.

Continue to listen to your therapist and close friends and you will move forward as a very happy women

Ellen

<Ellen: fixed quotation for you, Danielle>
« Last Edit: July 03, 2020, 10:37:54 am by Northern Star Girl »
Known all my life I was different
Started to live part time as my true self in 2010
HRT January 2018
Full time at work Febuary 2018
Legal name and gender change January 2019

Offline Emma1017

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Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
« Reply #326 on: July 03, 2020, 02:38:48 pm »


Thank you Ellen.  If it wasn't for you and everyone else (that I hate  ;D ;D ;D) I would have lost hope months ago.  It really has been incredibly important to know that there is a chance for happiness after all of this misery.

Hugs,

Emma
The heart has reasons that reason can not understand.

             My Transgender Manifesto

Offline RandyL

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Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
« Reply #327 on: July 03, 2020, 07:37:18 pm »

...
Jesus, I am 64 years old and I am acting like I'm a 14 year old girl...
Um... And how long have you been on hormones?

...I know I am protecting my wife, our relationship and my life to date.
You've probably read this already... I'm a slow reader. I just finished the 2012 second edition of Jennifer Boylen's autobiography, "She's Not There, A Life In Two Genders". Frankly you can just read the last few chapters (including all the drama with Melanie around her transition surgery in Wisconsin) and all the afterwords by Richard Russo, Jenny, and her wife Deirdre, since you don't need to be convinced that transgender is a real thing.

Although Deirdre was crushed and unhappy about Jenny's transition, she opted to stay with her (and they are still together to this day) because they love each other. Although sex has apparently gone away, they remain happy together and would not want to be anywhere else.

There is always hope. Be as open as you can be.

Hugs, Randy

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Casting about for my best path forward...

Offline Dorit

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Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
« Reply #328 on: July 04, 2020, 01:39:42 am »

Guys don't get called beautiful. Unless you're Alexander Skarsgård... that dude is legit beautiful. I rarely get attracted to people physically but... omg, I've been on a True Blood kick recently and he ticks all my boxes.

Not to get too far off topic, but I had to Google Skarsgard to see who you where talking about.  Wow, I could not agree with you more!!!
I first told a psychiatrist that I wanted to be a girl 1967 after a psychotic breakdown
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Offline Emma1017

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Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
« Reply #329 on: July 04, 2020, 08:36:49 am »
Dorit I agree with you and Sephirah.....Wow
The heart has reasons that reason can not understand.

             My Transgender Manifesto

Offline Emma1017

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Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
« Reply #330 on: July 04, 2020, 02:18:36 pm »
I can't seem to shut up....my latest churn

                                                What do I need for validation?

Three years ago I entered the confusing world of gender. It was a place four years ago that didn’t exist in my world. I lived my entire life governed by binary gender rules.

… and then suddenly my world collapsed. I discovered I wasn’t binary, I was transgender.

My female brain and my male body have been tearing me apart.I have been struggling between the two warring camps. “Can I stay a guy” versus“Do I need to be a woman?” They are constant arguments that have haunted my waking hours for over two years now. I have listed the pluses and minuses of each multiple times. I have sought out external female validation through a dozen makeovers and each time I try to balance myself out doing something macho to prove I am a tough enough male. I cry more and get angry easier.  It is a constant struggle.

I have read a lot of angry opinions from women, particularly feminists, that transwomen are men representing the worst of society’s perception of what a woman is.  The worst I have read is that transwomen are only men in dresses and that they reflect a man’s perception of femininity.

That may be very true or it could be true that it is an attempt to simply reflect the female image that will best purge the male self image that was forced on them from the moment they were born.  We were expected to show no fear, be aggressive, act dismissive and feel no pain. Everything hard and nothing soft, never give in and never surrender.

Transwomen have huge obstacles to over-come in order to be at peace. Gender dysphoria (GD) does not give a transperson any rest.  The true gender (the one wired in utero inthe brain), continues to grow in dominance over the one based one’s physical sex organs.  It creates a need for validation.  To accept being transgender requires more proof than faith alone to accept the changes that are required,the surgical change and the social change. 

It requires a powerful counter force to rid the mind, heart and soul of decades of testosterone poisoning. We need to embrace non-androgynous, clearly female elements in order to have a solid foundation for our femininity to grow.  We need extreme externalization in the beginning in order to finally achieve our own gender stability.

So, what do I need for validation?

I need to see “me” finally, not a guy trying to look like me.   I need to look in the mirror and see the absolute validation of my gender and my person.  I don’t want to see a sham.

In the end I need to accept who I see is...me.

The heart has reasons that reason can not understand.

             My Transgender Manifesto

Offline Jessica_Rose

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Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
« Reply #331 on: July 04, 2020, 02:48:44 pm »
The first thing you need to overcome is believing that other peoples opinion matters -- they are not you. I was certain that I was going to be an ugly woman, but I knew in my heart that I needed to take the leap. The first year was easy, I was on HRT and only a few people knew what I was doing. Once I went full time, the next 12 - 18 months were tough. Some odd looks, luckily only one 'man in a dress' comment. Even though others said I looked fine without surgery, I didn't see 'me' all the time until I had FFS. Erasing the features that I had always seen when looking in the mirror finally allowed me to see 'her' all the time. If I had listened to others opinions about what it is to be a woman, I may have never started this journey, and I probably would have ended my life by now. I recently added this line at the bottom of my signature:

'Don't let others tell you who you are. Be yourself, the world will adjust.'

My brain told me it would never work. Luckily, I listened to my heart. Love always -- Jessica Rose
Journal thread - Jessica's Rose Garden
National Coming Out Day video - Coming Out - Jessica Rose
GCS Thread - GCS and BA with Dr. Ley on 21 Feb 2019 - Jessica_Rose
GCS II and FFS Thread - GCS II and FFS with Dr. Ley on 26 July 2019 - Jessica_Rose
23Mar2017 Started Estradiol / 16Feb2018 Full Time! / 21Feb2019 GCS Dr. Ley / 26July2019 GCS II & FFS Dr. Ley

Don't let others tell you who you are. Be yourself, the world will adjust. -- Jessica Rose

Offline Pammie

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Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
« Reply #332 on: July 04, 2020, 04:43:10 pm »
I think it’s good and important to go into full time transition (if that is one’s path) with eye’s open.
There will be bumps in the road, there will be some negativity, there will be people who just don’t accept you.
But the positives of being one’s true self cannot be adequately explained - it’s just amazing!


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Offline Emma1017

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Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
« Reply #333 on: July 05, 2020, 07:38:50 am »

Jessica and Pammie thank you again for reaffirming hope, the hope that this is all worth it.  The value has to be established in my heart and soul and not based on some one else's judgement.

Hugs,

Emma
The heart has reasons that reason can not understand.

             My Transgender Manifesto

Offline Emma1017

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Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
« Reply #334 on: July 05, 2020, 01:57:25 pm »
OK a funny moment today, I was in my backyard taking some sun and I took off my shirt for the first time in “public”, my backyard is pretty private. I felt ridiculously uncomfortable.  Not my first time shirtless but it was my first time with a D cup chest.  Wow the rules really have changed ;D.

This gender has a lot of luggage... ;D
« Last Edit: July 05, 2020, 07:58:40 pm by Emma1017 »
The heart has reasons that reason can not understand.

             My Transgender Manifesto

Offline Ellie_Arroway

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Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
« Reply #335 on: July 06, 2020, 10:45:34 am »
OK a funny moment today, I was in my backyard taking some sun and I took off my shirt for the first time in “public”, my backyard is pretty private. I felt ridiculously uncomfortable.  Not my first time shirtless but it was my first time with a D cup chest.  Wow the rules really have changed ;D.

I already feel uncomfortable doing that even though I've got nothing worth speaking of... (nearly an A cup)
Started seriously questioning: 24 Aug 2019
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Most of my story is in the Just another mtf tale thread!
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Offline Confused1

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Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
« Reply #336 on: July 06, 2020, 11:52:46 am »
OK a funny moment today, I was in my backyard taking some sun and I took off my shirt for the first time in “public”, my backyard is pretty private. I felt ridiculously uncomfortable.  Not my first time shirtless but it was my first time with a D cup chest.  Wow the rules really have changed ;D.

This gender has a lot of luggage... ;D

Hi Emma,

I've always been uncomfortable sans clothing top or bottom, around females or males. Wife is an exception now, but not at first. I didn't fully understand why for 65 years. Life can be an interesting adventure!

HUGS

Confused1!

Offline Sephirah

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Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
« Reply #337 on: July 06, 2020, 01:53:58 pm »
To accept being transgender requires more proof than faith alone to accept the changes that are required,the surgical change and the social change. 

It requires a powerful counter force to rid the mind, heart and soul of decades of testosterone poisoning. We need to embrace non-androgynous, clearly female elements in order to have a solid foundation for our femininity to grow.  We need extreme externalization in the beginning in order to finally achieve our own gender stability.


I'm not sure I agree with this. Feminine and female are not the same thing. They aren't. I know natal women who would make the hariest-bottomed trucker blush with how masculine they are. I also know quite a few very feminine guys, who have no shame in it, and embrace it. I don't think it's a good thing to go to the opposite extreme to sort of "purge" yourself of being male.

I don't think you can "prove" you're a woman. Certainly not by being "uber feminine". I think that's the wrong way to go. I see a lot of it around, and it clearly feels to me like people are trying too hard to overcompensate. It feels just as fake to me as them trying to be male. If you're feminine, you're feminine. If you're masculine, you're masculine. That doesn't stop you being a man, or a woman.

Validation, IMO, comes from just being. From just being you. The person you see in your mind's eye, or in your dreams. The person you feel you are. Whether that person has masculine elements, feminine elements, a mixture of the two, or whatever the case may be... Emma... just be, sweetie. Be in the place you're happiest. Proof doesn't come from being superman or superwoman, it comes from being Emma. I know that sounds simplistic but I don't want you to think that in order to feel "real" you think you have to be the ultimate embodiment of femininity. Because that's doing a disservice to all the women out there who aren't like that. Who are happy to mix it up with the guys. Who are tomboys and proud. Just be you. If you feel like you're a woman, you're a woman.

"To the skeptic, no proof is sufficient. To the believer, no proof is necessary."

I believe in you. X

Offline Emma1017

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Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
« Reply #338 on: July 06, 2020, 02:28:05 pm »
Sephirah we are actually in agreement.  What I am speaking of is a temporary over-compensation that may occur when the female gender is finally released from captivity and is allowed to breath free. 

As you have been reminding me with the word "beautiful" (not to mention "adorable", "gorgeous", "kind", "gentle" and "sweet"... ;D) that they are trigger words because I still don't see it but I project it to others.  When I come out, I will hungrily feast on all the feminine things that I have been denied over a lifetime.  I can't wait to wear a bra, for  example, and I know many here who have been wearing one for years have said wait and you will get tired of wearing one.  I look forward to that day because on that day I will be the woman that I am.

It will be a brief moment of over-compensation to purge the years gender repression and testosterone poisoning.  Think fourteen year girl and her first trip to the mall with a credit card ;D.

Hugs,

Emma


The heart has reasons that reason can not understand.

             My Transgender Manifesto

Offline Sephirah

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Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
« Reply #339 on: July 06, 2020, 02:33:40 pm »
Think fourteen year girl and her first trip to the mall with a credit card ;D.

LOL!! There's an image. I am envisioning a poor makeup counter clerk in need of therapy for months and having an extreme aversion to lipstick. :P :-*

Also, you are beautiful. :)

As an aside... you know my probably one and only vice when it comes to... well... girly stuff? Lip gloss. My girlfriend back when I first came out... who was the first person I came out to... she bought me some. I love the stuff. Couldn't be without it. I don't do lipstick but mmmmm lip gloss is heavenly. :P

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