Author Topic: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?  (Read 10590 times)

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Offline Emma1017

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Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
« Reply #380 on: July 13, 2020, 04:01:26 pm »
I just don't know how I can possibly hurt her like that...it just rips me up
The heart has reasons that reason can not understand.

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Offline Sephirah

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Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
« Reply #381 on: July 13, 2020, 04:25:13 pm »
I just don't know how I can possibly hurt her like that...it just rips me up

Emma... people choose how to deal with things. You can't choose it for them. For every spouse who isn't okay with it, there's one who is.

It's on them, sweetie. It's on how they choose to process it and deal with it. YOU are not hurting them. If it's something they don't, or can't accept, then THEY are hurting themselves. As I said, the only thing we have control over are who WE are and what WE do. We cannot control how other people deal with it. And to try only makes things worse.

You have to let people deal with things in their own way, and understand that it's wholly their responsibility what they choose to do with how the situation is. If things were reversed, and your wife came to you saying she was actually a guy and wanted to be called Travis, or whatever, would you blame her for it? Knowing what you know?

Have a think about that. :)

Offline Confused1

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Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
« Reply #382 on: July 13, 2020, 07:46:55 pm »
Emma... people choose how to deal with things. You can't choose it for them. For every spouse who isn't okay with it, there's one who is.

It's on them, sweetie. It's on how they choose to process it and deal with it. YOU are not hurting them. If it's something they don't, or can't accept, then THEY are hurting themselves. As I said, the only thing we have control over are who WE are and what WE do. We cannot control how other people deal with it. And to try only makes things worse.

You have to let people deal with things in their own way, and understand that it's wholly their responsibility what they choose to do with how the situation is. If things were reversed, and your wife came to you saying she was actually a guy and wanted to be called Travis, or whatever, would you blame her for it? Knowing what you know?

Have a think about that. :)

I have to say I am with the group. It is still your decision Emma and you have to live with your decision. We are just voices on the Internet.

I have to add some comedy though. My wife did ask me if it would be OK if she came out as a man and how would I react! :laugh:

HUGS

Confused1

Offline Oldandcreaky

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Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
« Reply #383 on: July 14, 2020, 06:08:38 am »
I just don't know how I can possibly hurt her like that...it just rips me up

Then don't. Stop taking estrogen. Look into breast reduction surgery. And enjoy wonderful Brooklyn, your wonderful wife, your business you took decades to build, and your son (I'm not sure if there are other children. If there are, enjoy them too!). For thousands of years, transpeople didn't transition because that wasn't an option.

For you, hurting your wife, making yourself a second-class citizen, and losing your home and some friends also isn't an option. Just stop taking that estrogen. Today and forever, stop taking it. Chuck your photos of Emma too. I know I sound harsh, but you can find happiness as your wife's husband too.

Offline randim

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Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
« Reply #384 on: July 14, 2020, 07:59:52 am »
I just don't know how I can possibly hurt her like that...it just rips me up

She knows you're considering transition and that you are on HRT, correct?  The hurt boat may have already sailed, Emma, though of course it can get farther out to sea.  In one of my chats with my wife on this subject, I offered:

"I don't want to swing a wrecking ball through your life, at this stage of your life."

Her answer:

*surprised, bitter laugh*  "Are you stupid?  It's already been swung."

You might not really be able to go home again, Emma, at least not to the way it was. Of course, I don't know you or your wife, and I could be full of <not allowed> (I so often am!) but option A may not be quite what you think.

Offline Oldandcreaky

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Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
« Reply #385 on: July 14, 2020, 09:13:33 am »
Quote
Are you stupid?

Randi, I suggest you start anew. You're reported that your wife has said many hurtful things to you. After decades of practice and refining and upgrading, her approach to you should be far, far, far better than what she's willing to muster.

Offline Pammie

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Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
« Reply #386 on: July 14, 2020, 01:30:48 pm »
Randi, I suggest you start anew. You're reported that your wife has said many hurtful things to you. After decades of practice and refining and upgrading, her approach to you should be far, far, far better than what she's willing to muster.
All this just demonstrates how hard this is for Emma - only her wife can deliver a truly happy ever after ending I fear


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Offline RandyL

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Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
« Reply #387 on: July 14, 2020, 02:19:33 pm »
Ok I can't stay silent. These are great discussions, so very relevant to so many of us!

My wife had a difficult time of it a couple years ago. I kept surprising her by dressing femme without warning, and she was losing trust in me. She didn't believe my assurances that I wasn't going away, and that put distance between us. We separated for 3 months. Well that provided some clarity. We decided we were happier together than apart, and we'd just deal with my gender confusion together. With the help of a superb couples counselor we are closer and happier than ever before. I am getting better at expressing my long-repressed emotions, and we are both learning to ask for what we need. I feel that I am non binary, so transition is not on my table, which is a difference with many of you here.

Emma, don't write off your relationship with your wife, with your children, your friends, co-workers. If you don't believe they can adjust and love the real you, you may be propagating a self fulfilling prophecy. Have faith, trust... They love you. They don't want to lose you any more than you want to lose them. Believe, act like your relationships will survive. Hope and plan for the best. I hope you get what you deserve! Hugs, Randy

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Casting about for my best path forward...

Offline Confused1

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Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
« Reply #388 on: July 14, 2020, 04:55:10 pm »
Hi Emma,

Today for me was like the picture you had sitting in the corner crying. Just as Randy, I lean non-binary. You already know this, but I am getting GRS more for medical than dysphoria. I thought we had crested the hill with this for my wife. I talked with someone different to work on my second letter yesterday. Maybe that had something to do with it. I don't know.

Yesterday I said something unintentional and unrelated and it all came back. Why this and why that. How come you married me? We didn’t sleep in the same bed last night.

After a lot of talking today it is better again. Don’t count your wife out Emma, but there will be hills and valleys. Some of them will be hard.

It is still your decision, and you know your wife. We don’t.

HUGS,

Confused

Offline Jenny_Oh

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Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
« Reply #389 on: July 14, 2020, 06:34:08 pm »
If things were reversed, and your wife came to you saying she was actually a guy and wanted to be called Travis, or whatever, would you blame her for it? Knowing what you know?

That's actually a strategy my wife used to try and convince me that my gender transition was an inevitable death-knell for our marriage. It didn't really work because she didn't believe me when I said, "It'd be no problem". And there's the thing. Having spent half my life thinking about gender, what it is, how it affects everything I do, how people see me, who I can be friends with and who I can't, I have a very different view of gender and self-expression compared to her. Accepting me as Jennifer requires her to change her view of gender, to move away from an essentialist understanding of gender identity, to realize that gender does not always align with sex and see me for who I really am. To quote Karissa Sanbonmatsu:

"Maybe, becoming a woman means accepting ourselves for who we really are and acknowledging the same in each other. I see you. And you've just seen me."
    

Offline Emma1017

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Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
« Reply #390 on: July 14, 2020, 09:12:43 pm »
I don’t have any answers. I am totally lost. 
The heart has reasons that reason can not understand.

             My Transgender Manifesto

Offline randim

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Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
« Reply #391 on: July 14, 2020, 09:33:23 pm »
Randi, I suggest you start anew. You're reported that your wife has said many hurtful things to you. After decades of practice and refining and upgrading, her approach to you should be far, far, far better than what she's willing to muster.

Thanks O&C,

You are not the first to offer this advice.  And we did talk very seriously about separating a few weeks ago.  Still trying to make it work.  Thirty-seven years is a lot of history.  She is trying more these days.  I have a study that has been called the Man Cave, and there is a little plaque to that effect in the window.  While I was gone she changed "man "to "human" on the sign, because I told her a few weeks ago I preferred non-gendered language.  I was touched by that.  Still a long way to go to make that change to "woman" but it's something.

And Emma, my apologies for the slight hijack.  I only offered my little anecdote to illustrate that your wife's knowledge of your gender identity is in and of itself a profound thing, and will forever change your relationship in some way, even if it seems the same to the outside world.  You can't just decide not to transition and go back go the way it was.  She will forever see you differently, I think, and you two need to adjust to that if you stay together, even if you opt for Plan A.  The genie is out of the bottle. There is a song by Kris Delmhorst called Too Late that has the refrain:

But there's no turning back
Too late's come and gone 

I think about those lines a lot.

     

Offline Confused1

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Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
« Reply #392 on: July 14, 2020, 10:51:01 pm »

I only offered my little anecdote to illustrate that your wife's knowledge of your gender identity is in and of itself a profound thing, and will forever change your relationship in some way, even if it seems the same to the outside world.  You can't just decide not to transition and go back go the way it was.  She will forever see you differently, I think, and you two need to adjust to that if you stay together, even if you opt for Plan A.  The genie is out of the bottle. There is a song by Kris Delmhorst called Too Late that has the refrain:

But there's no turning back
Too late's come and gone 

I think about those lines a lot.

   

Emma, I agree with Randi. The last 24 hours has shown me that. My wife has been running our whole marriage through her mind, trying to figure out why I did or said certain things. Even back to our dates and why I married her.

Doing what O & C mentioned is definitely a possibility, but the relationship will still be changed. My wife seems good after our discussion today, but it will forever be different. I think when she saw how much I cried at the things she was suggesting, she realized how much I loved her.

I pray your wife can come to terms with it. You are a BEAUTIFUL PERSON who loves your wife as much as I love mine. You are the first victim. Our wives are the second victims. It may seem insurmountable, but it can still be what you desire!

Randi, I am glad you are making some progress. I pray the door will open for you as well!

HUGS,

Confused1





Offline Emma1017

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Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
« Reply #393 on: July 15, 2020, 08:14:39 am »
As always I appreciate the heart-felt responses posted here.  I am sorry that I can't commit to a single direction after all this time and spare you all the endlessly painful posts here.  I truly look at life with a much more positive attitude and freely share my joy of life with others.  That is why I hate myself for all the misery and pain I post here.  You all deserve better but I know you understand.  Thank you.

Randim and Confused I appreciate your focus on the positive side of the spousal relationship and Randim never worry about hijacking my thread.  It is good to see how others are dealing with it.

O&C thank you for your honest offer of the alternative, Plan A.  I agree that physical transition is absolutely not the only solution.  There are so many variations as you and other have repeatedly pointed out.  I agree that transgender individuals have lived their lives without transitioning for centuries.  Five years ago I was prepared to do the same but the current reality offers an opportunity that didn’t exist years ago, much like jet travel allows someone to fly from Europe to the US in an afternoon versus a one week voyage (usually one way) one hundred years ago.  Medical technology has given me a choice and gender dysphoria has recognized that choice to meet its very selfish need.

…hence my on-going battle.

Jenny I agree that spouses, out of fear, anger and justified deep emotional pain, strike out at us because we are "destroying" the relationship on which their entire life and future has been based, not to mention the potential for love lost.  It is a bitter pill that they must swallow that subjects them to the same binary bigotry that we have to contend with both internally and externally.  They derive no benefit nor emotional relief that we receive.  I truly feel my wife’s pain.

Pammie, thank you for your continued understanding.  Having a spouse, suffering late-life gender dysphoria and seriously contemplating transitioning is an emotional minefield in a field of broken glass, every step hurts.  I like to feel/hope that it is not an endless field.

I will continue to process, churn, cry and hope.

Hugs to all,

Emma

The heart has reasons that reason can not understand.

             My Transgender Manifesto

Offline Oldandcreaky

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Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
« Reply #394 on: July 15, 2020, 01:26:52 pm »
Emma, I think you're exhausted. Take a break, however you can do that. Focus on the small things. Suck the marrow out of the simple pleasures. Seriously, take your time eating, savoring each bite. Witness evening's gilding light. Reread a book you've long loved. I'm about to reread RAGTIME for the fifth time. What's your RAGTIME? Do you have a dog? Soon, that dog will be gone, so use this moment to snuggle, play, or simply sit side-by-side. Your perseverating is taking you nowhere so...so....so...so...slow.

Offline Emma1017

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Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
« Reply #395 on: July 15, 2020, 03:45:02 pm »
O&C you are right, I am exhausted but fortunately perseverating is not a 24/7 thing for me.  I eat, play with my dog, read, play video games, eat great food, drink red wine, kayak and laugh with my son and my wife.  I am sorry that I give the impression that I am an emotional cripple who festers about my gender dysphoria every minute....it is only every other minute... ;D.

My thoughts churn over my decision, maybe as it should be with such an important decision.  I don't have the option to slice the Gordian Knot like Alexander the Great.  I am trying to untie it, albeit slowly and painfully.

Hence my continued hope at coming up with my own solution.

My new avatar is scrappy.  I like that.

The heart has reasons that reason can not understand.

             My Transgender Manifesto

Offline Oldandcreaky

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Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
« Reply #396 on: July 16, 2020, 07:41:15 am »
I'm glad to read that you're mixing up the good with the angst.

Offline Emma1017

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Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
« Reply #397 on: July 16, 2020, 07:52:59 am »
You can’t let the dark places grow unchallenged.
The heart has reasons that reason can not understand.

             My Transgender Manifesto

Offline KimOct

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Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
« Reply #398 on: July 16, 2020, 12:42:54 pm »
Medical technology has given me a choice and gender dysphoria has recognized that choice to meet its very selfish need.

I will continue to process, churn, cry and hope.


Hi Emma I selected just two of your comments to illustrate my points.

Being your authentic self is not a very selfish need.  It is living in truth.

Continuing to process, churn, cry and hope.  Are you living your best life?  Obviously not.

Emma if I was hypothetically taking wagers I would say that you never transition.  However it is not a clear cut nor obvious conclusion.  I would put the odds at 60% you don't and 40% that you do.

There are a few things I have said all along.

1.  This does not have to be a binary all or nothing decision.  You are making it be one.
2.  Living in this limbo does not enhance the happiness in your life or your wife's.
3.  Any path you choose will not be as bad as you fear.

The problem does not lie in the fact that you post your pain and struggle.  If people were not interested they would stop reading.  I still check in weekly because I care about you.  I check in because I want to not because I have to.   So the sharing of your feelings is not the problem.

The problem is the lack of action.  The endless rumination.  Let's say you had a client.  You spent several years recommending courses of action for them.  Some more aggressive and others not as much.  But this client sat still, did nothing, took no action and merely churned endlessly about the negatives of each choice.

Your frustration with this client would be through the roof.  I am certain you would tell this client that sitting on the sidelines is accomplishing nothing.  Choose a path.  Then if things don't go as planned deal with it then.  But choosing no path is in fact a choice.  A choice to stay where you are.

Emma - life's clock keeps ticking.  Make a choice.  I continue to say it is not A or B it is ABCDEFG.  You are only considering A and B.  And if you only want to choose A or B then choose A or B.

Either one is OK and you will be OK and your friends here and in person will still love you.
The first transphobe you have to conquer is yourself

Offline Emma1017

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Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
« Reply #399 on: July 16, 2020, 01:08:27 pm »
Kim the pandemic has frozen my timeline. I was scheduled for facial electrolysis in late February. That was to be my first step to physically transition. The pandemic has delayed everything medical. That additional time has given me more time to panic, doubt and fear the decision.  On the plus side it has allowed my wife more time to process.

60/40 is a good bet but not a sure thing.

I still have an appointment for consultation with the GCS surgeon 9/22 and facial electrolysis tentatively for 9/10. That is the “put up or shut up” moment.

Thanks for checking in on me.

Hugs,

Emma

The heart has reasons that reason can not understand.

             My Transgender Manifesto

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