Topic: ftm cleanliness issues.

[superdumphole]

im back. I've been on T for 18 months! heck yeah. anyway, that's not what im here for, I'm here because I have no idea where else to go with this problem! I'm sure I can't be the only one, but it's really bothering me, and I really need some advice.

a warning right now that anyone uncomfortable with speech about vaginas and things should probably stop now, but it will be as minimal and medical as possible in wording for my own sake as well as any readers'. it also gets a little gross. NSFL, as <another forum> would say: not just NSFW.

some preliminary information: i do not have health insurance and my job is very low-paying. plus, going to the doctor's right now is a little iffy anyway in my state. i am 20 years old and haven't had any STDs/STIs. i am asexual and don't like genitals in general.

anywho, the gist is this: dysphoria is making it ridiculously hard to keep myself clean. it's mostly dysphoria in relation to my vagina and clitoris, the latter of which I have a particularly bad relationship with: i can not clean it. when I say I can't, I mean I get nauseous and vomit because of the overwhelming dysphoria that stems from looking and touching my clitoris or vagina for extended periods of time. however, i have noticed a few times in the past couple years that underneath my clitoral hood there is a large amount of hardened and not-very-easy-to-remove smegma/discharge that can not be removed with gentle rubbing or prodding. not only this, but I am extremely sensitive, and the sensation of touching anywhere under the clitoral hood is overwhelming to the point of being awkward and painful. all of this culminate in being just... in a very bad place. I don't want to be dirty, and I have heard that this is probably not a normal amount of or texture to the smegma around my clitoris, but I just. can't figure out how to get rid of it without throwing up or having a panic attack.

any form of advice would be great. i am thinking of trying to see a professional at some point and see if they can look at the area and maybe clean it, but I have no insurance and little money and also: I'm not sure how? I figure I would need/want to see a GYN, but my birth certificate has been changed to male already (I'm in a state that does not require sex reassignment)... would they ask questions if I told them my name was alexander and that i needed to see someone? i suppose that disclosing that i am transgender would solve that problem, but I'm not sure at what point in the process to disclose such a thing. ugh.

anyway, thanks. this is a bit serious and a bit gross, but the main rules didn't seem to EXACTLY prohibit it. if it is against the rules, im sorry. :') just looking for help with something that a majority of cisgender people would not likely be able to help me with, and I'm sure my IRL friends don't want to hear about it.

[Ellie_Arroway]

Hi @superdumphole!

Congratulations for your 18 months on T!

My thoughts are that this is a medical matter and you will need some advice about it to help address it, as you seem to have already concluded.

There are occasions during which I have had cause to find it necessary to reveal that I am transgender. Since I don't really pass as such (well, not as soon as I open my mouth, anyway!), these situations occur on the telephone. One example would be that I was invited for a smear test recently, and the action I took was to phone the medical centre and tell them that I do not have a cervix because I am transgender. (I was advised by somebody actually that all I need to say is I do not have a cervix, but it seemed pointless to me not to reveal that I am transgender during the phone conversation; I have had no voice training yet.)

The other occasion that comes to mind is specifically about voice training. I self-referred to the speech and language therapy department of the local hospital for voice therapy, and I gave the reason that I am a trans-woman on the phone. In that case, I believe it was necessary, because otherwise they would not have understood the request.

Finally, I have reviewed the terms of service and my opinion is that there are no violations here.

Hope this helps! E

[Rakel]

In my opinion, I see two problems here. The first is the psychological aversion to your genitals. I suggest some form of psychological counseling. Without health insurance, any professional counselling is going to be costly. Are there any free transgender support groups that you can attend? Even if it is only once a month, it would be something.

While we all understand the issues of gender dysphoria, most of us have a tolerant relationship with our genitals. We don't really want them on our body and we desperately wish they could be somewhat different, but not to the point of extreme physical disgust as you describe. Is there any way you could make a temporary truce with your genitals until  you are in a position to correct the situation?

The second issue is the personal hygiene issue. I suggest a very warm soapy bath where you can soak for a while. This may help relax you somewhat and also soften any smegma or whatever is on there. A good and gentle body wash is important. Using a clean wash cloth will help as well and you don't have to have physical contact with your genitals by your fingers. Let the wash cloth do the cleaning. One cleaning may not be enough to totally clean the area. You may have to resort to doing this on a regular basis.

I hope this helps some. Take care. 

[mm]

Rakel, you did such a great job of breaking this problem into two parts and handling both of them nicely.    For the second part taking a warm bath and letting the warm water soften the smegma or whatever is on there is great. With the growth one has with being on T more material will collect in loose skin one now has down there. A soft wash cloth will help remove this materail once the warm water has soften it.  It is a good idea to use a soft wash cloth to clean the area every time one showers or take a bath.

[MountainIsa]

I'm not sure if this is still an issue but I wanted to second what others have said and add a bit more detail.

Physical Part
1. Take warm baths.
2. Use a washcloth to clean yourself (firmly but not roughly) after being in the tub for at least 10 minutes; this does not require you to look at or directly touch yourself.
3. Repeat steps 1 & 2 at least three or four times (over several days) and then check to see if things have improved.  If they have but aren't fully clean, continue until they are.  If things have not improved, see a medical professional ASAP.  Depending upon where you live, this could be a primary care doc, a naturopathic doc, or gynecologist.  There are websites that list trans-friendly doctors.

In the long-term, you will have to make some sort of peace in order to properly care for the body you have now.  This brings us to...

Emotional Part
As others have said, therapy can be expensive but it may be necessary.  See what options you might have, including community resources and peer counseling.  If you really can't access such resources, you might try self-help books focused on sexual health. 

The only other thing I can think to offer is this fact: The clitoris/clitoral hood = penis/foreskin.  These are literally the exact same tissues in human developmental biology.  They are not similar, they are the same.  We call them different things because science, like every other discipline, is deeply sexist.  From a purely biological perspective, almost everyone is born with some type of clitoris/penis – pick your favorite of the two terms.  If you can change your view of this aspect of your anatomy (i.e., to view it as a simply smaller than average, uncircumcised penis), that might help you to attend to your hygiene. 

With respect to other areas, they really don't require you to look at them to clean, so it's really just the above bit that you need to work on if you can.

Hope that helps.