Author Topic: Finally came out to ultra-conservative mother!  (Read 428 times)

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Offline heather3791

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Finally came out to ultra-conservative mother!
« on: May 03, 2020, 09:51:02 am »
Hey everybody. I just wanted to share this with you. I’ve been slowly coming out to select friends and family for over three years now. This includes my Father, Brother, best friend and several others. My biggest fear was coming out to my Mother. She is a very conservative person with some pretty stubborn beliefs. Through the years I’ve heard her make serval comments about gay people and how it’s wrong and a sin. Because of this I’ve been very reluctant to tell her I’m transgender. Well I finally worked up the courage to tell her a few days ago. I just said to myself, “With everything going on in the world right now with this horrible virus I think the time is now” (My Mother is in her late 60’s). So I wrote a long letter to her explaining everything. She got it and called me shortly thereafter. She said she was shocked and had tons of questions. At first she questioned me with things like, “Is is possible that you just have split personalities or you’re bipolar? Are you sure this isn't just a fetish?” We talked for a good hour. When I brought up the possibility of eventually starting hormones she wanted to know how that worked and what changes would happen. I explained everything in detail to her. When I told her that my height could go down and inch or two and that my tendons could shrink and that I could also go down a size or two in shoe size she was like, “Wow, so you actually want to be shorter and have smaller feet? No real man would ever want that..I guess you really are a girl..Well I love and support you no matter what.” I was so happy she was accepting and my fears are finally put to rest. Obviously there are lots of parents out there who have anti-LGBTQ beliefs. But when one of their own children reveals that they are LGBTQ their minds might just change!

Offline sarahc

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Re: Finally came out to ultra-conservative mother!
« Reply #1 on: May 03, 2020, 09:57:24 am »
Having worked with my mother who has been very challenged with my decision to transition, I AM SO HAPPY FOR YOU! I know all the fears you were feeling and the nervousness you probably had after sending that letter.

What a relief! I mean, it's literally one of the best feelings you've ever had, right?!?

Just keep staying engaged with your mother...work on that relationship and support her as much as you can during this process; it looks like you could have a wonderful outcome.

Sarah
----
48 years young.
Known that I am trans since...forever.
First therapy session / decided to transition / hair removal: October 2018
HRT: January 2019 (journal https://www.susans.org/forums/index.phpVF/topic,244009.0.html)
VFS: September 2019; three-month report here
Full-time: April 2020
FFS: August 2020
SRS: January 2021

Offline Ellie_Arroway

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Re: Finally came out to ultra-conservative mother!
« Reply #2 on: May 03, 2020, 10:12:22 am »
@heather3791

Thank you for sharing your positive experience! I am really pleased for you. That act obviously took a lot of courage and it makes me so happy to hear the outcome. E
Started seriously questioning: 24 Aug 2019
Referred to GIC: 23 Sep 2019
Full-time female presentation since: 21 Oct 2019, unbroken since 12 Dec 2019
Official name change by deed poll: 11 Nov 2019
HRT: "kind of" started 15 Jul 2020
Most of my story is in the Just another mtf tale thread!
Twitch streamer MusicEllie

Online Maid Marion

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Re: Finally came out to ultra-conservative mother!
« Reply #3 on: May 03, 2020, 10:35:49 am »
Hi Heather,

That is great news about acceptance from your mother!

Marion

Offline heather3791

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Re: Finally came out to ultra-conservative mother!
« Reply #4 on: May 04, 2020, 08:48:20 am »
Having worked with my mother who has been very challenged with my decision to transition, I AM SO HAPPY FOR YOU! I know all the fears you were feeling and the nervousness you probably had after sending that letter.

What a relief! I mean, it's literally one of the best feelings you've ever had, right?!?

Just keep staying engaged with your mother...work on that relationship and support her as much as you can during this process; it looks like you could have a wonderful outcome.

Sarah

Thanks for the kind words everyone! And yes Sarah, it is absolutely one of the best feelings I’ve ever had! Stay safe everyone!

Offline Liv_J

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Re: Finally came out to ultra-conservative mother!
« Reply #5 on: July 19, 2020, 09:31:37 am »
When I told her that my height could go down and inch or two and that my tendons could shrink and that I could also go down a size or two in shoe size she was like, “Wow, so you actually want to be shorter and have smaller feet? No real man would ever want that..I guess you really are a girl..Well I love and support you no matter what.” I was so happy she was accepting and my fears are finally put to rest. Obviously there are lots of parents out there who have anti-LGBTQ beliefs. But when one of their own children reveals that they are LGBTQ their minds might just change!

That's so cool :-) Bit worried about telling my grandmother who is 93 and a little old-fashioned... She's one of the few poeple in my family and friends who don't know yet, but I have to do it cos I'm going back to the area where I grew up in a few weeks and will be seeing her. My mum (who is not brilliantly relaxed about it exactly either) and aunt (who is pretty cool about it) said they'd speak to her first... Hope it goes OK :-/

Offline DebbieB

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Re: Finally came out to ultra-conservative mother!
« Reply #6 on: August 15, 2020, 04:40:05 am »
Thank you for sharing this wonderful experience.

As transgender people, we often forget how many obscure websites, how many cable channels, how many obscure books we had to research in order to find out even what transgender was, what Gender Dysphoria was, let alone ANY of the details of transition.

Cisgender people have almost no reliable sources of information.  They MIGHT know who Caitlyn Jenner is, or Laverne Cox, and maybe Chas Bono.  They probably never saw "I am Jazz" on TLC and probably haven't seen Orange is the New Black.  People in their 60s grew up with "Uncle Miltie", "Some Like it Hot", "Dressed to Kill", "Freebie and the Bean", and maybe "The Crying Game".  They don't know the difference between camp drag, a drag queen, a transsexual, and a transgender woman.  Most have never even heard the term Gender Dysphoria let alone know what it is.

Christian Conservatives often get even more mixed messages.  They may hear from pastors who don't know the difference, or from politicians who assume that some alpha male in camp drag is going to go into a women's restroom and rape them or their daughters.  Often from a preacher who is eventually exposed as a pedophile or sexual predator himself.

Cisgender people have no clue that transgender teens are 30 times more likely to attempt suicide and 90 times more likely to die young than the general population.  They are 10 times more likely than other teens, and 30 times more likely to die of suicide or an "accident" of some sort.

Someone growing up in the 50s and 60s was probably told that a feminine boy or a tomboy was just "going through a phase" and that if it wasn't encouraged, they would "outgrow it".  What they didn't understand was that if a transgender child is ignored or told they are wrong, they just start assuming that they can't trust their parents and that they are not safe at home so they shut up and hide.  They isolate.  These Boomers often weren't aware of the bullying and violent assaults experienced by trans kids, often as they were attacked by large groups of boys at once.

It's often hard for us 21st century trans women to realize that the first empirical study of a transgender population wasn't conducted until 2002, nearly 30 years after Harry Benjamin first published his papers on transsexualism, almost 40 years after Masters & Johnson, and almost 50 years after the Kinsey Report.  The world was so shocked in 2002 when the first survey of 300 subjects showed that 25% had attempted suicide, that larger studies of much larger populations were conducted to try and prove that it was lower.  The shocker came when they discovered it was even higher, 45%, and has ranged between 40% and 50% for 18 years.  The dirty little secret was that therapists who had treated transgender patients had found that 90% of those who didn't transition were dead before their 25th birthday.

The surveys grew in breadth and depth and they began to discover patterns and risk factors, showing that parents who were supportive of their transgender kids and their transition lowered the risks of most of the major problems to about normal for an average teenager.  They discovered that puberty was the most dangerous time, and began to encourage doctors to get transgender kids on blockers before puberty and give them time to decide whether they wanted HRT.

The breakthroughs in treatment of transgender people in the last 20 years is almost as dramatic as the breakthroughs that came as a result of the development of ether modern anesthesia and antiseptics.





Debbie Ballard - IT Architect
1st Transition 1988 to 1997 - detransitioned
2nd Transition 2010
HRT since 2011
Full Time since 2012

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