Topic: Concern for cross dressing son

[Nat77]

My son has from a very early age had a love for all things girly, it's never ever been a problem for me. He would get himself dressed up in his sisters clothes at any opportunity and often ended up with a few hand me downs that he could call his own.
I couldn't see any harm in it and strongly believed I was being a good parent by allowing him to express himself.
I have never really said no to anything in this regard and as the years went on I even started to buy him the odd thing that he asked for or that I thought he would like.
It pretty much became normal in our family that he would occasionally appear in his girl clothes.
Just after Christmas my daughter had a clear out of her clothes and gave a lot of them to him, so suddenly he has gone from a very limited wardrobe to a pretty well stocked one.
So along comes lockdown and of course he is now able to dress 24/7 which is really what I am concerned about.
What will the effect on his mental health be when he has to go back to the way things were. Is this going to have a lasting effect on him? Should I limit his dressing ? I would never try to stop him but I cant help worrying that I am doing the wrong thing.

[Devlyn]

Hi Nat77, welcome to Susan's Place! First things first, thanks for being a great parent. A lot of our members would have been very happy to have such acceptance from their own families.

I think this is a great opportunity for all of you. If your child has to stop dressing as they do and suffer from it, you have a good indication that some further assistance may be needed, possibly in the way of a therapist to help sort out their feelings.

I'll pose a different question: What if your child decides they like their new wardrobe and want to continue dressing that way?

I'm glad you found us and trust us with your questions. 

Hugs, Devlyn

[Oldandcreaky]

You're a great parent. What's your son's age?

[JennyTG]

What an awesome parent.  I loved mine but I know they wouldn't have been that accepting, times have changed I guess.

[SueNZ]

Hi Nat,
What an amazing supportive parent you are.
Just let things take its course as there is no one format that covers all.
I will assume you both talk about what he is experiencing and keep everything open and honest.
It also sounds like your daughters are also very accepting and that is the main thing, full family support.

Keep looking around the site and ask as many questions as you would like. We are all here to support each other positively.

Cheers Sue

[Mills]

Hi Nat

Just wanted to say that you seem like my parents, they didn't stop me wearing my sisters clothes, although they did worry about it.

I'm sure there will be an effect on his mental health but in a positive way, he's doing what he wants to do 24/7, but you probably should try to explain to him (I've no idea how old he is), that this is a temporary thing while we're all in lockdown and that at somepoint he is going to have to go back to being "Joe Normal".

I certainly don't think you're doing the wrong thing, again from my experience if my parents had told me to stop wearing girls clothes, I'd have done it anyway and hidden it from everyone, which can't be very healthy.

Hope this turns out well for your family.

Mills

[Nat77]

Wow, thank you all so much for your replies. Its so good to hear from people who really understand.

I do not have a problem with him wearing what he wants within reason, its just the way its gone from dressing now and then or mix and matching to pretty much all he wears now. As I said I really just hope he is not going to struggle when things return to normal.

Of course he has my support and I just want him to be happy and content.
I just feel somehow things have moved forward drastically in a short time, maybe its his age, my acceptance or just the opportunity that lock down has bought.
From your experience would you say that it sounds like a normal progression? Maybe we are not a typical example I'm not sure if there is even a typical experience.

His sister has the same attitude as I do, "its just the way he is" they are pretty close and she has always been protective of him. Of course they sometimes fight and argue but not to often.     

     
He will be 14 later this month, Birthday shopping in Lock Down 

[Mills]

Hi Nat

All I can add to your post is that when I was fourteen I would have grabbed any opportunity to dress as much as I could, it wasn't all that easy when I was a teenager with friends, girlfriends, and well just being a teenager, so I think as long as he understands that after covid 19 is over he has to be a bit aware that the rest of the world is not as he wants it to be, and be sensible and safe.

I'm sure he will be as it seems to me that everyone involved here is quite stable and well rounded.

Good luck to you all.

Mills

[Oldandcreaky]

Nat, he's old enough to have a frank talk with you. You need to know if he sees himself as female and IF he wants to take the long, difficult, expensive, painful, and problematic road to becoming female. If he does, he's young enough to be tremendously advantaged, as young transitioners tend to pass and are often attractive to boot.

[Devlyn]

Nat, he's old enough to have a frank talk with you. You need to know if he sees himself as female and IF he wants to take the long, difficult, expensive, painful, and problematic road to becoming female.

...

^^^^^ That right there. Have they ever said that they're a girl, or do they just like the clothes?

Fashion isn't gender or identity, after all.

[SueNZ]

Hi Nat,
For me I like both sides of me. Dressing and makeup with breast forms then work gear, heavy machinery and chainsaws. There are so many paths and as long as you all stay supportive they will be easier to follow.
The struggle to understand is real, communication and support both family and professional is key to finding the right path.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[Ellie_Arroway]

I agree, Nat. He may just be a crossdresser, or there may be more to it. If there is more to it, there are conversations that need to take place around that.

He may not be transgender; he may be transgender and aware of it; it's also possible that he's transgender and not aware of it. That was the case for me; I wore some of my mother's clothes as a teenager when I was growing up and the other person in the house was elsewhere, but I never knew I was actually transgender until last year. In my case, I didn't even know there was such a thing as being transgender when I was growing up.

[Mills]

Hi Nat

I wasn't going to say anything in response to oldandcreaky's reply, but Devlyn, SueNZ and Ellie have perfectly described how I feel and just maybe your son does to, ie I don't want to be a girl, I just REALLY Really like dressing up as one.

I think, though I may be wrong, that by the age of fourteen your son would have made it obvious he doesn't like being a boy, I remember being around that age and my Aunt asked if I liked boys, I was mortified! and very confused also I had a "girlfriend" at the time.

It's always bugged me it still does even now, I'm quite open about my crossdressing and regularly go for nights out with my wife and friends dressed as a girl, sometimes quite casually, you know the sort of thing a woman would wear on a night out and sometimes I'm quite OTT, underneath all of Em's outfits there's still a boy, and I wouldn't want it any other way.

Nat your good people, and your son's very normal, just go with the flow.

Mills

[Oldandcreaky]

Nat, I don't have a clue about your son's situation. This is why I suggested you ask him. As I wrote, transitioning is "long, difficult, expensive, painful, and problematic," but it is made more successful by youth. I hope he simply likes to cross dress. That's an easier path.

Does he resonate as female in any other ways? For example, as a kid, I collected doilies and rhinestones and did crafts. I played with girls and was the block's babysitter. As an adult, I continued in childcare as an elementary school teacher. 

[Nat77]

Hi Nat,
For me I like both sides of me. Dressing and makeup with breast forms then work gear, heavy machinery and chainsaws. There are so many paths and as long as you all stay supportive they will be easier to follow.
The struggle to understand is real, communication and support both family and professional is key to finding the right path.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

He has a love of gaming, sports and his bike, things you would consider typical really, growing up it has always been a bit of a mixture up until now. He loved dolls and princess dresses as well as his collection of cars etc.

Nat, I don't have a clue about your son's situation. This is why I suggested you ask him. As I wrote, transitioning is "long, difficult, expensive, painful, and problematic," but it is made more successful by youth. I hope he simply likes to cross dress. That's an easier path.

Does he resonate as female in any other ways? For example, as a kid, I collected doilies and rhinestones and did crafts. I played with girls and was the block's babysitter. As an adult, I continued in childcare as an elementary school teacher. 

He has always loved all things that you would associate as female, he often chose Disney themed bedding for instance, used to love making jewellery from beads and painting his nails.
But up until now it was always a mixture of these two sides of his personality, there have been periods when he completely dropped the girly things but from a little research I don't think that is unusual ? 

We had a really good chat today, it was really sunny so we sat in the garden and talked for ages.

I asked him all the difficult questions, why he was spending so much time in his girls clothes, was he happy being a boy, did he have any thoughts about the future etc.

So he says he is happy being a boy but just wishes he could be himself all the time, he said he gets jealous of girls because they can wear whatever they like, sometimes he feels sad because he has to wear ugly clothes.
He cant explain why he likes girls clothes other than they feel nice, look nice and he likes the way they make him feel.
He said that he wished he could go out dressed but he didn't think I would let him so had never asked (thats a teen asking )
 

He actually admitted that he thinks it will be hard to go back to normal after lock down but he knows he has no choice so will just have to do it.  He kept asking for re assurance that I didn't mind, I guess because I was probing he was worried.


We got talking about his birthday and as it was just the three of us this year i suggested we could have a proper girls only day, that bought a smile to his face so his head is full of plans for that right now.


I know he has been looking at summer dresses with his sister so I think I am going to ask her to pick one that I can wrap up as a gift.       

A couple of hours later I had a text from him saying that he hadn't had any new underwear for ages and was there any chance I could order him some online if he gave me his savings. Of course I am not going to make him pay but told him to let me know what he wanted. He sent links for a selection of knickers no problem there I have bought him some in the past but also three bras two with heavy padding and one t shirt bra so thats a development !

They are now saying on the news that we are probably looking at another three weeks of lock down, do I let this continue and just hope it all works out when normality returns I worry I am risking damaging him what ever I do  arrghhhhh its so complicated     



         

[Oldandcreaky]

Is Nat short for Natalie? Or Nathan? I'll assume the former and say, "You're a heckuva mom!"*

He has a love of gaming, sports and his bike, things you would consider typical really, growing up it has always been a bit of a mixture up until now. He loved dolls and princess dresses as well as his collection of cars etc.

As a child, I wanted an Easy Bake Oven, but still came to love fishing and basketball and the woods. The woods was the easiest place for me because the trees didn't expect me to behave like a boy. I think most trans-children ricochet between what society wants us to like and what we like.

I suspect your son is your other daughter. If this is the case, with you as the loving and hopefully beloved mother, she could have a fine life.





*Or, if it's the case, "You're a heckuva dad!"

[Mills]

Morning Nat

I've been reading your posts with interest.

Well it seems you've had the talk and everyone's come out of it learning something, it seems your son already knew he had to be sensible once life returned to normal, and that both your daughter and yourself are very open minded, so have fun and enjoy your girls day in.

I know from personal experience and from talking with my parents years later that they really worried about me at the time, (this was the mid to late 70's! a very different age) they were bursting with questions but they only brought them up when the opportunity arose and didn't push me, they did stop most of my excesses, I mean if it was up to me I would have gone to primary school dressed as snow white every day, so thank the God's that didn't happen, but they did let me wear an item of girls clothing everyday, discretely I may add, it was usually white girls socks, it was the fact that the pack said "Girls Socks" that made all the difference to me, later when I went to secondary school we had to wear uniform, which for everyone was a grey shirt or blouse, I only ever had blouses! they did up on a different side to shirts I was so happy.

So just take your time, be happy that your son's happy, don't be afraid to stop him doing something ridiculous but tell him why, and find a happy medium, for me that was always being allowed to wear what I liked indoors, for you that may be unacceptable, but perhaps girls sleepwear to bed, I think you're past that, you're buying him bra's so good for you.

Cwch

Mills

[Ellie_Arroway]

Hi Natt,

He has always loved all things that you would associate as female, he often chose Disney themed bedding for instance, used to love making jewellery from beads and painting his nails.
But up until now it was always a mixture of these two sides of his personality, there have been periods when he completely dropped the girly things but from a little research I don't think that is unusual ? 

No, it's not unusual at all.

We had a really good chat today, it was really sunny so we sat in the garden and talked for ages.

I am so pleased that you did that. It must have been tough!

So he says he is happy being a boy but just wishes he could be himself all the time, he said he gets jealous of girls because they can wear whatever they like, sometimes he feels sad because he has to wear ugly clothes.
He cant explain why he likes girls clothes other than they feel nice, look nice and he likes the way they make him feel.
He said that he wished he could go out dressed but he didn't think I would let him so had never asked (thats a teen asking )

I completely relate to the thing about wearing girls' clothing. I can't explain why I like it either. It just makes me happy to present as female.

He actually admitted that he thinks it will be hard to go back to normal after lock down but he knows he has no choice so will just have to do it.  He kept asking for re assurance that I didn't mind, I guess because I was probing he was worried.

Whilst you say there is no choice... that is not entirely true, as I'm sure you're aware. Having said that, I did not have the experience of transitioning while being a minor. I know that would have been tough for me. Some things were different in the 80s when I had my education. The world has generally become more accepting, but I'm not at all sure about school pupils.

Can I suggest you keep an eye on your son's state of mental health. For some people, gender dysphoria causes depression. I'm not saying he will get that, but that can be a serious condition, as I'm sure you're aware. I have had moderate clinical depression, and starting my transition has definitely helped me with that.

We got talking about his birthday and as it was just the three of us this year i suggested we could have a proper girls only day, that bought a smile to his face so his head is full of plans for that right now.

I know he has been looking at summer dresses with his sister so I think I am going to ask her to pick one that I can wrap up as a gift.       

A couple of hours later I had a text from him saying that he hadn't had any new underwear for ages and was there any chance I could order him some online if he gave me his savings. Of course I am not going to make him pay but told him to let me know what he wanted. He sent links for a selection of knickers no problem there I have bought him some in the past but also three bras two with heavy padding and one t shirt bra so thats a development !

They are now saying on the news that we are probably looking at another three weeks of lock down, do I let this continue and just hope it all works out when normality returns I worry I am risking damaging him what ever I do  arrghhhhh its so complicated

He's obviously aware that it will be difficult for him to go back to presenting as male, because you said that. Can I suggest that you discuss this with him? Coming to an agreement with him rather than laying down the law would seem to be a sensible way forward. It may be that you decide together that it's best for him to go back to wearing male clothes gradually over a week or so before he has to return to school.

Hope this helps! - E

[Nat77]

Is Nat short for Natalie? Or Nathan? I'll assume the former and say, "You're a heckuva mom!"*

I suspect your son is your other daughter. If this is the case, with you as the loving and hopefully beloved mother, she could have a fine life.

Its Natalie and thank you so much, i'm not sure its true though time will tell if i'm getting this right.

The more I read, research and consider everyone's comments on here the more I wonder if you are right. He says that's not the case but of course that could change and I hope if it does I have at least done the best I could for him.

I know from personal experience and from talking with my parents years later that they really worried about me at the time, (this was the mid to late 70's! a very different age) they were bursting with questions but they only brought them up when the opportunity arose and didn't push me, they did stop most of my excesses, I mean if it was up to me I would have gone to primary school dressed as snow white every day, so thank the God's that didn't happen, but they did let me wear an item of girls clothing everyday, discretely I may add, it was usually white girls socks, it was the fact that the pack said "Girls Socks" that made all the difference to me, later when I went to secondary school we had to wear uniform, which for everyone was a grey shirt or blouse, I only ever had blouses! they did up on a different side to shirts I was so happy.

So just take your time, be happy that your son's happy, don't be afraid to stop him doing something ridiculous but tell him why, and find a happy medium, for me that was always being allowed to wear what I liked indoors, for you that may be unacceptable, but perhaps girls sleepwear to bed, I think you're past that, you're buying him bra's so good for you.

He has never really been restricted as far as dressing at home goes but lately its all girls clothes, I understand that with the current situation its a fantastic opportunity for him but as you know that's my worry.
I have always let him wear subtle things when we are out but always very discretely.

I'm still in two minds about the bras to be honest, it feels like a big step to me. It obviously took him a little while to find the courage to ask and show me what he wanted though.
Realistically I'm sure he has tried some on before.

I hope he understands that I need to measure him 
I guess he is the right age, what would you do ?

Can I suggest you keep an eye on your son's state of mental health. For some people, gender dysphoria causes depression. I'm not saying he will get that, but that can be a serious condition, as I'm sure you're aware. I have had moderate clinical depression, and starting my transition has definitely helped me with that.

He's obviously aware that it will be difficult for him to go back to presenting as male, because you said that. Can I suggest that you discuss this with him? Coming to an agreement with him rather than laying down the law would seem to be a sensible way forward. It may be that you decide together that it's best for him to go back to wearing male clothes gradually over a week or so before he has to return to school.

   
Thank you, that's very good advice. Once we know when lock down is going to be lifted then yes I think that would be a good time to make some changes.
 

[Oldandcreaky]

Nat, are you familiar with the television show, "I am Jazz."? If so, you can see how complete a transformation can be with puberty blockers and early transitioning.

Again, I don't know if your child is trans or simply likes to cross dress. I started transitioning in my mid-twenties and have lived as a female for more than thirty years. Whereas I liked to shop when I was young and played with color, fabric, and cut, as a nearly 64-year old woman, I care little about fashion nowadays. I like, like many older women like, to be comfy.

Transitioning for me was always more about role than clothing. When I was in the male role, I was odd, no matter how hard I tried to conform. I couldn't walk like a boy. I cried often, at movies or when someone was kind or hurt. Even today, if I see someone crying, I cry too. I read Nancy Drew instead of the Hardy Boys. I wanted to talk to other girls and be their friends and I secretly wanted to kiss some boys. So, I became an elementary school teacher because I loved child care and as an old woman, I'm a gardener, which is how I still play with color and form. I grow old, but my garden is forever young and I'm too old to still chase children!   

Your child has some realizing to do. It's not a decision. It's realizing who you are and how you are hardwired to live. It's going to be tough for you not knowing. Tough for your child too.