Topic: Concern for cross dressing son

[MeTony]

I started ”cross dressing” at age 3. When I became consious about gender roles and myself. I put up a fight when mom tried to put cute dresses and tiny hats on me. I screamed and kicked until she helped me to take them off and I got to wear MY CLOTHS.

My cloths make me comfortabe, they make me feel strong in myself and my self esteem boosts. 

In cloths tht are not mine. (Women’s cloths) I feel awkward, insecure and lose faith in me.

Think about yourself. Would you wear your husband’s/dad’s/brother’s cloths and go down town to do some shopping?

Cloths are a part of our identity. Nat propably feel much more secure and has a higher self esteem.

That Nat denied wanting to be a girl does not mean that as an absolute truth. It takes time to build up confidence to come out. Even to a great mother. But I believe you opened the door a little bit.


Tony

[Oldandcreaky]

Nat, MeTony is insightful. Again. That's the way he rolls.

[Janes Groove]

Hello Nat.  Reading thru this thread the thing that kept coming to me and I haven't really heard it mentioned is something that is known in transgender culture as "The Stigma."

It refers to the view many times consciously held,  but more often than not subconsciously held that there is something inherently WRONG with being transgender.   You and your family are quite obviously dealing with it.  The fact that your child wants to go out into the world dressed as a girl, that he feels he must not do so, that you are worried about him doing so (and rightly so because transgender people face REAL danger and you as a parent quite naturally want to protect your child from danger) are all consequences of dealing with The Stigma.  It is a lifelong battle.  It's not easy. 
My own experience (I won't bore you with the gory details) is one of a lifetime struggle.
It's not easy.  And the worst part isn't even the Stigma that society lays upon us.  It is the internalization of The Stigma that does the most harm.  But at the age of 62, I would suggest, that living a life where one is constantly feeling that there is something wrong with the way one was born, and had absolutely no control over, and simply is and will be is not good.

Best of luck to you.  It won't be easy but love finds a way.

[Nat77]

Nat, are you familiar with the television show, "I am Jazz."? If so, you can see how complete a transformation can be with puberty blockers and early transitioning.

Your child has some realizing to do. It's not a decision. It's realizing who you are and how you are hardwired to live. It's going to be tough for you not knowing. Tough for your child too.

I have seen some episodes of  "I am Jazz" and yes I can see the huge advantage of transitioning early. I have been looking at some books and found one called "About a Girl" which I hope will be insightful

When I first discovered this site I was looking for advice as I was worried about him coping with going back to normality after being in that female persona for such a long time, I was pretty much convinced that it was simply the clothes etc that he liked, just him being him really but now reading all your comments and advice I do wonder if I am being naive and its much deeper than that.

How many times can I ask him ?   

I started ”cross dressing” at age 3. When I became consious about gender roles and myself. I put up a fight when mom tried to put cute dresses and tiny hats on me. I screamed and kicked until she helped me to take them off and I got to wear MY CLOTHS.

My cloths make me comfortabe, they make me feel strong in myself and my self esteem boosts. 

In cloths tht are not mine. (Women’s cloths) I feel awkward, insecure and lose faith in me.

Think about yourself. Would you wear your husband’s/dad’s/brother’s cloths and go down town to do some shopping?

Cloths are a part of our identity. Nat propably feel much more secure and has a higher self esteem.

That Nat denied wanting to be a girl does not mean that as an absolute truth. It takes time to build up confidence to come out. Even to a great mother. But I believe you opened the door a little bit.


Tony

Tony everything you say makes sense and I do understand that it must be torture every day when you cant be your true self. I obviously want him to be happy.

He would have around 3 or 4 when he started borrowing his sisters things so its been in him forever really, I have had battles getting him out of girls clothes when he was younger so that we could go out shopping etc.

I sometimes think I am partly to blame that it has reached this stage, I never tried to stop him and as I said when he was younger I let him have a few things of his own but there were always rules. He grew up in an all female household as well. Its all very confusing so many elements.   

Yes I have opened the door and maybe all I can do now is leave it up to him, I just hate to think that he is sad

Nat is my name by the way not his 

Hello Nat.  Reading thru this thread the thing that kept coming to me and I haven't really heard it mentioned is something that is known in transgender culture as "The Stigma."

It's not easy.  And the worst part isn't even the Stigma that society lays upon us.  It is the internalization of The Stigma that does the most harm.  But at the age of 62, I would suggest, that living a life where one is constantly feeling that there is something wrong with the way one was born, and had absolutely no control over, and simply is and will be is not good.

Best of luck to you.  It won't be easy but love finds a way.

Its that idea of keeping such a huge thing locked away that bothers me, as you say its not going to be healthy carrying that all your life.

Do you think the fact that he wants to go out is significant ? That along with the request for bras has had me thinking and researching, there is a difference between wearing clothes and actually presenting as a female is there not ?

Could things be moving along in his own mind but still be in denial ? Is he trying to tell me but just cant ?

Sorry if I ramble sometimes, I have so much whizzing around in my head and I tend to think aloud.
 

[mm]

Cloth say so much about who you are, boy or girl independent of ones age young or older. You mentioned  that you may need to measure him/she so you can get the correct size bra.  This will probably not be a problem at all, for this is something that girls do when getting a bra.

[Oldandcreaky]

Nat, he'll have to find his way to the life he feels compelled to live. In the meantime, I think you're doing all you can. I couldn't be prouder of you.

[Janes Groove]

Yes I do think that going out dressed in public as a girl is pretty significant.  So is wanting to be fitted with personal bras just meant for him.  From what you've reported it seems that there a a lot of indicators here.  But perhaps it is a good idea to have him see a qualified, non-judgmental therapist.  It may be that you are too close to this to see things that a disinterested 3rd party viewpoint can easily spot.  He may have picked up subconscious signals that make him hesitant to share his true feelings or make it difficult or impossible to talk about.  That's where a therapist is helpful.  They may be able to quickly spot behaviors that you and he are incalculable of seeing.  Because you both are too close to the situation.   A lot of these things he might just feel he can't talk about with mom.

Also, I would be checking his online history.  Is he watching transition videos on youtube?  Is he searching transgender topics?
Another thing to think about is his sexual awakenings and how that plays in.  Is he attracted to boys the way a girl is?  These are also probably things he may feel uncomfortable talking to mom about.

[Lyric]

You're at that tricky stage of parenthood between when you feel you need to control your child and relinquishing contol to them. We can be pretty certain you are not responsible for his feminine interests, though. I've never heard of it working that way at all.

I think you should try to relax a bit. Whatever he's doing with this, he's going to do it whether you participate or not. Your tolerance is wonderful. Don't worry about his increased crossdressing during this time accelarating his inclinations. If it's something he has limited interest in he will get his fill of it and taper off. If it's something of greater interest, he may do it more. I say, let him find where he's going with this himself. Give him the space and stop worrying.

I've encountered hundreds of mtf transgender people over they years though forums like this. While some show inclinations toward femininity from early childhood, many males seem to start exploring their desires at pubery. With many this may be a part of their sexual development-- and may continue in some way as part of his sexual life as a man. With others it seems to be time of recognition of a desire to change genders. Either way, the only real thing  you can do to help is tolerance. I wouldn't suggest seeking therapy unless he himself presents the matter as a problem.

[graspthesanity]

Nat, first of all, I'd like to say that you're a caring mother!:) But sometimes you have to give him space to see what he wants to tell and before everything, we stop and question everything ourselves and him being a teen, of course it's harder to talk about it:) So just give him time.

[marta marques]

NAT, you are a wonderful mother. Your son is very lucky
Did you buy the bras?

[Northern Star Girl]

NAT, you are a wonderful mother. Your son is very lucky
Did you buy the bras?

@marta marques
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[Northern Star Girl]

@marta marques
Dear Marta:

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[Gabrielageo]

it´s been a while since you first posted and most states are opening up, so I guess you guys have taken some steps already, but just wanted to say a couple of things from my perspective. I think you should just wait and let your son make the decision that he sees more fit to his case, only he will know whether he´s trans, a CD or God knows what he decides; the best help you can give is to give him room and support, let him explore and find his own way.
He probably found this already, but you can always point out that there are communities where he can exchange ideas, either online, or hopefully in person, school, community support groups (depending on where you live) of course therapists are a great help.
As for dressing, how about just wearing (little by little at first if he's not ready yet) androginous clothing? I dressed almost full time for a while and at first I wore clothing that was kinda ambiguous, nice cut pants, silly t shirts, even when I was a teen I sized some of my sister's trousers so they'd fit me and wore her clogs out, again, kinda ambiguous, I knew they were feminine but the other kids just thought I was being weird.
One thing you need to make him be very aware though, he's still a child, without much experience in the real world, specially online, is not always safe out there, emphasize to him that just as much as he's trusting you with his dressing he needs to be aware that he needs to protect himself and trust your guidance when it comes to this new people he's gonna find

[C-Woo]

So he says he is happy being a boy but just wishes he could be himself all the time, he said he gets jealous of girls because they can wear whatever they like, sometimes he feels sad because he has to wear ugly clothes.
He cant explain why he likes girls clothes other than they feel nice, look nice and he likes the way they make him feel.
He said that he wished he could go out dressed but he didn't think I would let him so had never asked (thats a teen asking )
 

Girl, me too.
i've been going through a similar path since lockdown started. being home all day, everyday allows me to dress up all day long. i recently grew my beard back out, but prior to that, i was learning how to do my make up and going out to Starbucks on my lunch break in girl mode. it was quite liberating being able to dress how i feel out in public!!
I was doing this everyday most of the summer, and i don't know if i just got my fill of it for a while, but i stopped dressing up near as much over the last month or so now.
Hopefully all this lockdown time will give him an opportunity feel himself out and give him some more idea on which way he wants to develop

PS, Victoria's Secret has amazing molded cup bras that add entire cup sizes. Pick him up one or two when they have a sale. no stuffing needed!!

[mm]

Molded cup bras do let one look larger without padding, which is a great reason to buy and wear them.

[michele4848]

Nat77; Bravo on your great parenting.  I dressed in my mothers clothes and loved it and hated it.  my parents never encouraged me in anything, that was reserved for my younger brother.  I found a suitcase that had girls clothes, and had a really safe place to wear them.  like all kids we experiment with sex, and I used to play with a friend, and yes I dressed for him and loved to give him bjs and let him use me like a girl.  I put all that away for several years but the thought of being a girl was always there.  marriage #1.  2 children, work, divorce, having to be macho put a damper on my real feelings. marriage #2. child #3.  those old feelings come back (I NEED TO DRESS). we talk she seems to be ok with it, even helps with makeup and clothes, even pierced my ears and got me my first fem ear rings.  I needed more.  I found a group of crossdressers and joined them.  I felt like I needed to go farther and told the wife I wanted to transition, m2f, that was a deal breaker.  we divorced.  marriage #3. I remarry now have a step daughter and so i put my girly side in deep hiding.  15 years go by. good loving marriage, but she passes away.  now alone , (sort of) I began dressing , and wishing to be a mans  man wife, or what ever he wants.  so I want you to know, that if I had a son like yours, I would listen to what he feels. if he feels like he wants to transition, then support him.  most of all LOVE HIM/HER.  love to all michele