Author Topic: Desire to be female  (Read 946 times)

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Offline Terra_C

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Desire to be female
« on: May 19, 2020, 09:39:54 am »
Ok i need to elaberate first to what has led up to now. I grew up in your semi typical conservative home,  but around the 5th grade is when things started to change. I would start by taking blankets and folding them to make a skirt. I did this for a while until around the 6th grade where i tried on my first pair of panties out of curiosity. As soon as i put them on,  i felt so comfortable, so relaxed. I started wearing just panties from time to time without my mom knowing, until one day she went though my room and found 4 pairs of panties hidden in a pillow behind my bed. At first she was just worried about me asking if i was gay,  then asking if i just wanted nicer clothes. She never consider other reasons, mainly because at the time trans or even gender dysphoria wasnt a huge talked about subject. I could never open up to her because she is judgemental. Im not gay, i love woman and i am married to a wonderful wife and have a beautiful 2 year old daughter. Before i got married i wore girls clothes a lot,  i had lots of panties that i would have to sneak inside to wear while playing video games at night. When mom went to virginia beach for a week, i had the place to myself and could dress as girl and i was so happy and relaxed and comfortable with myself as i walked around. Then months before meeting the girl who would become wife, i was looking into what gender surgery intails and was heavily thinking about changing, but i knew my family would disown me if i did. Now four years after getting married i am heavily torn mentally about being born male but wanting, wishing, desiring to be a girl.

I work at chick fil a and the ladies i work with i get so jealous of. They are so pretty, their hair,  their bodies, their clothes,  it makes me want to just swap bodies with them. As im typing this im sitting on the couch in a long blue shirt and black shorts but underneath that is a pair of rainbow striped, light blue laced hipster cut panties. I feel so at peace wearing even just one article of girls clothes,  but i wish i could wear more than that and be more than that. But i love my wife and daughter and i worry about telling her how im feeling and wanting to even dress and be a girl. Im trying to get medicaid so i can go see a mental health specialist so i can confirm that i do have gender dysphoria and maybe they can explain it to my wife and maybe get her to see that allowing me to dress as a girl will help me feel better about myself and maybe it can help our relationship better too.

I could really use some advice or even maybe some comforting words of encouragement because the more i keep thinking on this feeling, the more depressed i start to feel...

Offline randim

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Re: Desire to be female
« Reply #1 on: May 19, 2020, 10:17:47 am »
Talking to a gender therapist is never a bad idea when dealing with these emotions.  There are probably virtual options that would be easier and cheaper than a regular therapist (and maybe all that can be done right now).  If that's not viable, for cost or whatever reason, do consider finding a trans support group.  Many places are not meeting in person now but many are meeting virtually.  This is free and gives you a chance to share your story and get feedback.

As far as what your history says to me?  Sounds like you are not gender-conforming, and really like to cross-dress.  But what does that mean?  Maybe you just need space to safely cross-dress regularly without shame, maybe you just need to express your gender in public a bit differently than most, or maybe it means a whole lot more.  I only say this because you are not confined to a binary choice of being "a regular guy" or socially transitioning to a woman who walks around with a high femme presentation.  There are many, many, many points in-between. 

One thing that might be helpful to you.  When you think of being a woman, don't just think about how nice it would be to look pretty, although that is certainly legitimate.  But also think about being dressed frumpishly and dropping your car off for service, or going to the dentist, whatever.  Does the thought of living daily life and doing humdrum stuff as a woman resonate with you?  To me, that is a pretty significant difference between those who transition and those who only want to cross-dress on occasion .  Transitioners kind of want it 24x7 365 days a year.  Not everybody does. So I'll circle around to the top.  If you can find and afford a therapist experienced with gender issues, start there. 

If you haven't shared this with your wife, I would recommend that, although I fully understand from deep personal experience just how hard that is to do.  But many of the pieces in your personal puzzle wll involve family.

Offline Gertrude

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Re: Desire to be female
« Reply #2 on: May 19, 2020, 10:24:30 am »
My only advice is seek out a therapist that specializes in LGBT issues and don't come out where you now work. I don't think they'd understand. As far as your wife goes, see the therapist first and understand yourself and also understand that for most, it's a lot to digest and some will get it and stick by, a lot don't, but we don't know your specific case, but have eyes wide open.

Offline Oldandcreaky

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Re: Desire to be female
« Reply #3 on: May 19, 2020, 11:04:48 am »
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But also think about being dressed frumpishly and dropping your car off for service, or going to the dentist, whatever.  Does the thought of living daily life and doing humdrum stuff as a woman resonate with you?  To me, that is a pretty significant difference between those who transition and those who only want to cross-dress on occasion .

Randi is insightful as always. I transitioned more than 30 years ago, which makes me an oldandcreaky woman. Like many old women, I don't fuss with being pretty. I wear comfy clothes. Sometimes, I wear deeply frumpy clothes. Clothing doesn't matter to me. Being seen and treated as female does.

Offline Oldandcreaky

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Re: Desire to be female
« Reply #4 on: May 19, 2020, 11:05:52 am »
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...don't come out where you now work.

Heh.

Offline Terra_C

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Re: Desire to be female
« Reply #5 on: May 19, 2020, 11:51:40 am »
Thank you all so far for your advice. Randim i do agree on seeing a therapist that is something im workinf towards right now. At first years ago i thought i just enjoyed cross dressing,  but recently in the past 5 years i have wanted to be a girl fully, i mean i would love to walk around for the rest of my life in a woman's body. My mind has always been feminine since i was little,  i enjoyed things that werent the norm of "male" sided (sports,  etc.). The worry i have that i feel sets me apart from cross dressong is how much i do want to transition to female,  but i worry abpit losing the love of my life. If she were tl be accepting of it that would do wonders,  but she suffers from emotional hypersensitivity and has a hard to grasping emotional times in life. Would i love to transition to being a full on woman? Absolutly! But figurimg things out is the most stressful...

Offline Gertrude

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Re: Desire to be female
« Reply #6 on: May 19, 2020, 02:38:28 pm »
Thank you all so far for your advice. Randim i do agree on seeing a therapist that is something im workinf towards right now. At first years ago i thought i just enjoyed cross dressing,  but recently in the past 5 years i have wanted to be a girl fully, i mean i would love to walk around for the rest of my life in a woman's body. My mind has always been feminine since i was little,  i enjoyed things that werent the norm of "male" sided (sports,  etc.). The worry i have that i feel sets me apart from cross dressong is how much i do want to transition to female,  but i worry abpit losing the love of my life. If she were tl be accepting of it that would do wonders,  but she suffers from emotional hypersensitivity and has a hard to grasping emotional times in life. Would i love to transition to being a full on woman? Absolutly! But figurimg things out is the most stressful...

Yup. I've been married over 25 years now and we have 5 kids, 15-24. She knew before we got married and we saw a gender therapist then, but back then the understanding was different than it is now. I don't think the term transgender existed then or was widely used. The other thing is that people understanding of themselves and feeling change over time. I thought I could live a double life in a sense but as I have aged, that ability is slowly being lost and I want to be one person. I think it's been a detriment for me to live my life as two and yet half. I have no concrete anodyne words for you other than see the therapist and at least figure out where you are and in general, develop better coping skills with life. Let us know how it goes.

Offline Terra_C

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Re: Desire to be female
« Reply #7 on: May 21, 2020, 07:55:21 am »
I understand what you mean Gertrude about living the double life. Yesterday was a rough day for me,  i came home deep in thought, my wife was in a mood because of alot things and she was just talking to me in a wrong way. She is stressed right now dealing with alot herself and i tried to not take it to heart,  but it made me get really upset with myself because of personal mistakes ive made throughout our marriage and me hate myself because im living as 2 people. I honestly thought that Terra would just fade away after marriage, but this time around she is here to stay and at one point im happy when im thinking as her and even half dressed as her, but thats the part that sucks and almost brought me to tears last night. The pain inside that im tired of living as two and the absolute desire to just do what makes me happy and commit to becoming what i truly desire, what i envy and become jealous of, and thats to finally become a girl, to become Terra. Not just half dressed as a girl,  but to fully dress as one. To wake up in the morning and feel my soft feminine skin,  and to see my beautiful breasts and to no longer have a penis. I would smile everyday to wake up in a womans body feeling natural and care free.

Offline mac1

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Re: Desire to be female
« Reply #8 on: May 25, 2020, 01:12:31 am »
Terra_C I know your feeling.
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Offline Terra_C

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Re: Desire to be female
« Reply #9 on: May 27, 2020, 09:21:52 am »
Thank you Mac1 you see my point. I mean everyone on here knows my point probably better than i know myself. Many of yall have made your lives better by chosing to follow your desire. To any of you who have had a daughter,  how did yall explain this feelings to her? How do you make sure they still love you even if your no longer than "dad"? This is one of my biggest worries right now about transitioning to a girl,  is how my daughter will perceive me and her environment with me. Any thoughts or advice?

Offline Ellie_Arroway

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Re: Desire to be female
« Reply #10 on: May 27, 2020, 12:40:13 pm »
To any of you who have had a daughter,  how did yall explain this feelings to her? How do you make sure they still love you even if your no longer than "dad"? This is one of my biggest worries right now about transitioning to a girl,  is how my daughter will perceive me and her environment with me. Any thoughts or advice?

I am in that specific situation. My daughter is 11.

I have explained to her that it takes a long time to transition. I have also decided that I will always identify as her father, not her mother, even though I am going through transition. She approves of this.

She has concerns like how to address me in public and what people think. She seems to be more attuned to surrounding people than I am and she has noticed one person shaking his head in disapproval at me. I have told her that that is his problem. I have demonstrated to her that I can wear women's clothing and makeup in public and people still treat me the same when I interact with them.

I'm not extremely feminine, and I do not have a problem presenting as male occasionally. I don't see my daughter every day. While I am not on hormones, it is pretty easy for me to wear unisex clothing and "pass" as a man. I have decided that that's probably the best approach to take for now. I identify as female but I think transfeminine non-binary would probably be a better description for me.

I recognise that this approach would not suit everyone, of course. It just works for me, and my daughter still loves me very much, as I do her. - E
Started seriously questioning: 24 Aug 2019
Referred to GIC: 23 Sep 2019
Full-time female presentation since: 21 Oct 2019, unbroken since 12 Dec 2019
Official name change by deed poll: 11 Nov 2019
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Most of my story is in the Just another mtf tale thread!
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Offline Ellie_Arroway

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Re: Desire to be female
« Reply #11 on: May 27, 2020, 12:45:02 pm »
When I say presenting as male, I hasten to add that clothes do not maketh the person, and I still consider myself a woman. If I ever go for a gender recognition certificate, I think the important thing is my gender identity. I have in my signature that I have unbroken female presentation since December, I think. But what, then, is female presentation? Who can define exactly what that means?

So perhaps it's better to say that I am presenting as female but looking very much like a man on those occasions. After all, I do wear earrings and I maintain my eyebrows. (Currently I am using a home eyebrow dye and tweezers to do that.) I believe that's considered semi-permanent makeup. - E
Started seriously questioning: 24 Aug 2019
Referred to GIC: 23 Sep 2019
Full-time female presentation since: 21 Oct 2019, unbroken since 12 Dec 2019
Official name change by deed poll: 11 Nov 2019
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Most of my story is in the Just another mtf tale thread!
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Offline RandyL

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Re: Desire to be female
« Reply #12 on: May 28, 2020, 01:08:17 pm »
My daughter is 31 and living elsewhere. So maybe different than your situation. But she has been totally supportive, the most supportive of anyone. I hope your daughter will be too.

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Offline Megan.

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Re: Desire to be female
« Reply #13 on: May 28, 2020, 03:25:58 pm »
Thank you Mac1 you see my point. I mean everyone on here knows my point probably better than i know myself. Many of yall have made your lives better by chosing to follow your desire. To any of you who have had a daughter,  how did yall explain this feelings to her? How do you make sure they still love you even if your no longer than "dad"? This is one of my biggest worries right now about transitioning to a girl,  is how my daughter will perceive me and her environment with me. Any thoughts or advice?
My daughter is currently 6 and my son is 8. I transitioned (MTF) 2 years ago.

I'm their dad, and they call me that - even out in public. If they decide when they're older they'd prefer to use a different name then that's fine, but I'll always be their dad, they already have a mum, and that's not me.

All children are different, but in my case my daughter has been fairly accepting so far, while my son has found my transition harder to understand and accept.

They both still get confused about my gender especially as I'm still pre-op, but we've talked about things a lot.

Hope this helps. X

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Offline Terra_C

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Re: Desire to be female
« Reply #14 on: May 30, 2020, 08:26:11 am »
I really appreciate all the advice given so far. Im so glad to know that your daughters and sons have been accepting of who you all are. I know with my daughter being at such a young age that it would be easy to explain as she grows up,  but i guess my fears still exist,  but atleast its nice to know that she could still look at me as her father even as woman. I still cant stop thinking and dreaming about being a girl. I even started doong things that i havent in the past. Like my wife's deoderant smells wear better than my male one so i have been using hers and it even feels better than mine. I started shaving the front of my hips where i dont have much hair and i fight the urge to just shave my legs, which i want to do because wearing shorts and skirts and dresses would be much more appealing. Im feeling even more depressed about it actually... I just dont feel right when i wake up anymore,  i feel more and more that i want to transition and be happier but i guess all the repressed feelings from over the years are still fighting me...

Offline RandyL

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Re: Desire to be female
« Reply #15 on: May 30, 2020, 12:09:13 pm »
Hi Terra, feel free to shave your legs if it'll help you feel better. Nobody is likely to notice. Many athletes shave theirs anyway.

My own legs naturally have so little hair that I really have to look hard to see it. Having hairless legs will not mark you as weird.

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Offline Terra_C

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Re: Desire to be female
« Reply #16 on: May 31, 2020, 08:23:59 am »
RandyL i would love to do that, and you are correct many athletes tl shave their legs. I guess the only thing stopping me is the people around me and their gender norms like my family or my wife's family. We currently live with her grandparents until we close on our house and they were born circa 1930's. So needless to say they are old school in many respects. My family i do not have contact with because of issues and drama they have stirred within my marriage. I have hairy legs like a wildman, and i hate it everyday, and i know if i shaved them i could pass off wearing shorts, skirts, and dresses with much more ease. I also made a big leap yesterday in telling my wife that i tested pretty high on an assessment for Gender Dysphoria (i know that still doesnt necessarily mean i have it but it atleast allows a topic to be heard at a mental health clinic) and that i have been wearing her panties around the house and to work. Surprisingly she already knew because when she wanted to wear a certain pair she couldnt find it and i guess just knew. She doesnt judge about it, but believes that Terra is just an "escape" from reality when depression and stress hit me. Ive told her that years ago before i even heard of the term Gender Dysphoria because i honestly never knew that i could possible have it. She tells me that the only person who can say no to me dressing and being a girl is me, but its that easy. I thought thats all i had to do, but it never goes away, i always have this deep feeling of not being me unless im Terra. I just hope once i get confirmed about the dysphoria i can get some better answers...

Offline Ellie_Arroway

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Re: Desire to be female
« Reply #17 on: May 31, 2020, 01:36:10 pm »
She tells me that the only person who can say no to me dressing and being a girl is me,

I think that's really supportive.

Just so you know, I once knew a cisman whose legs were bare. I'm not sure if diabetes was part of the reason for it, but it was definitely a medical thing. He said his wife was very jealous! So it could be an avenue to explore that a lack of hair could be explained that way. - E
Started seriously questioning: 24 Aug 2019
Referred to GIC: 23 Sep 2019
Full-time female presentation since: 21 Oct 2019, unbroken since 12 Dec 2019
Official name change by deed poll: 11 Nov 2019
HRT: probably sometime in the 22nd century...
Most of my story is in the Just another mtf tale thread!
Twitch streamer MusicEllie

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