Author Topic: Mapping My Journey  (Read 1459 times)

0 Members and 1 Guest are viewing this topic.

Offline Daylight

  • Neighbor
  • ***
  • Posts: 88
  • Reputation: +1/-0
  • Gender: Female
Re: Mapping My Journey
« Reply #20 on: May 31, 2020, 11:24:57 am »
I decided to change my gender here to Female and give that a try. I still am not ready to 100% commit to a transition (more like 95%), but I like the idea of trying out a new name, gender, and pronouns in places that are safe. I have a voice therapy assessment/appointment tomorrow, and I had told her to use my birth name and male pronouns. I'm going to ask her to call me Megan instead and see how it goes.

There was another fairly powerful moment for me on my walk the other night that almost got lost. It was a similar deal in that something I basically knew intellectually seemed to resonate on a deeper emotional level. In this case, I had heard someone talking about the importance of putting yourself out there and garnering attention. It was mostly in the sense of business and sales and such.

I think it's also important in relationships and life in general. There are almost 8 billion people on the planet. Many won't like me, and some will. I've been so focused on avoiding anyone having anything bad to say about me that I've avoided everyone and everything. I've abandoned a lot of good friends because of it. I need to focus on finding people that like and support me, not avoiding anything that might not. It seems obvious, but it only seemed to click emotionally a few nights ago.

Now I'll probably end up streaming or starting a YouTube channel for my transition or something. That's so not me and so who I want to be. Maybe it already is me because I can't stop talking about myself and everything I'm thinking lately :laugh:

Thanks again Ellie for looking after me and your positive support! Also for the Charlie Martin recommendation. I'm loving her videos!
39 years old and learning to be Megan :)

Offline Daylight

  • Neighbor
  • ***
  • Posts: 88
  • Reputation: +1/-0
  • Gender: Female
Re: Mapping My Journey
« Reply #21 on: June 01, 2020, 11:00:58 am »
I was thinking about putting myself out there and getting attention as I talked about yesterday. Given how big I am, if I transition I'll definitely be putting myself out there. I'm 6'4". I just don't see women that tall walking around. I think it's been a big reason I've never felt like transitioning was even a possibility.

But with a different perspective, I'm kind of digging it. When I go someplace, everyone will notice me. I may not pass. I may not look exactly how I want. But certainly, there are people that like tall women. And they'll be able to find me. If I were shorter, maybe I would just blend in? I guess I don't know how things will work out, but maybe it is a blessing that I have been too scared to see.

Either way, I know I will be happier and more fun to be around. I feel like I'll be more confident, more active, and just a better person. That stuff is even more important, but it will be a great bonus if it is easy for me to find people to share that with.
39 years old and learning to be Megan :)

Offline Confused1

  • *
  • Posts: 105
  • Reputation: +2/-0
  • Gender: Questioning
  • Non Binary
Re: Mapping My Journey
« Reply #22 on: June 01, 2020, 11:28:45 am »
I was thinking about putting myself out there and getting attention as I talked about yesterday. Given how big I am, if I transition I'll definitely be putting myself out there. I'm 6'4". I just don't see women that tall walking around. I think it's been a big reason I've never felt like transitioning was even a possibility.

But with a different perspective, I'm kind of digging it. When I go someplace, everyone will notice me. I may not pass. I may not look exactly how I want. But certainly, there are people that like tall women. And they'll be able to find me. If I were shorter, maybe I would just blend in? I guess I don't know how things will work out, but maybe it is a blessing that I have been too scared to see.

Either way, I know I will be happier and more fun to be around. I feel like I'll be more confident, more active, and just a better person. That stuff is even more important, but it will be a great bonus if it is easy for me to find people to share that with.

Megan,

I have seen several people on here talk about their height and passing. You will not be alone in that. However, a little over 3 decades ago, my company sponsored a trip to Opryland in Nashville. When I and a co-worker were leaving a bar on Bourbon Street a lady was coming in. My co-worker was 6'3'. He was short compared to the woman. Neither of us considered her to not be a woman. She was just beautiful. Everybody focuses on the negatives they see in themselves, but most of the time no one else sees them. I have no idea if she was Cis or Trans.

Offline Ellie_Arroway

  • *
  • *
  • *
  • Posts: 1,089
  • Reputation: +21/-0
  • Gender: Female
  • ellie_arroway@susans.org
Re: Mapping My Journey
« Reply #23 on: June 02, 2020, 02:58:47 am »
I was thinking about putting myself out there and getting attention as I talked about yesterday. Given how big I am, if I transition I'll definitely be putting myself out there. I'm 6'4". I just don't see women that tall walking around. I think it's been a big reason I've never felt like transitioning was even a possibility.

But with a different perspective, I'm kind of digging it. When I go someplace, everyone will notice me. I may not pass. I may not look exactly how I want. But certainly, there are people that like tall women. And they'll be able to find me. If I were shorter, maybe I would just blend in? I guess I don't know how things will work out, but maybe it is a blessing that I have been too scared to see.

Either way, I know I will be happier and more fun to be around. I feel like I'll be more confident, more active, and just a better person. That stuff is even more important, but it will be a great bonus if it is easy for me to find people to share that with.

Absolutely!

I have learnt throughout my journey that I simply do not need to "pass" as a woman. People accept me for who I am, and most people use my pronouns as well.

Fundamentally, this is about your happiness. Whatever you do, if you manage to go out dressed as you want to dress, in spite of the possibility of not passing, it will increase your happiness, and it will increase your confidence.

It almost makes you feel like you can conquer the world! - E
Started seriously questioning: 24 Aug 2019
Referred to GIC: 23 Sep 2019
Full-time female presentation since: 21 Oct 2019, unbroken since 12 Dec 2019
Official name change by deed poll: 11 Nov 2019
HRT: "kind of" started 15 Jul 2020
Most of my story is in the Just another mtf tale thread!
Twitch streamer MusicEllie

Offline Daylight

  • Neighbor
  • ***
  • Posts: 88
  • Reputation: +1/-0
  • Gender: Female
Re: Mapping My Journey
« Reply #24 on: June 02, 2020, 08:56:23 am »
@Confused1 I think I have been a person that sees the negative parts of themselves. But your story is kind of great because I imagine how amazing it would feel to be the woman that people remember 30 years from now. That's maybe a bit of an ego trip :laugh:

Ellie, I agree :) I feel so much happier and more confident already just exploring this.

I had a couple of positives yesterday I wanted to share as well. First, I had a session with a voice therapist. It was mostly an intake with me doing some tests/exercises. I'm excited about it. Voice will be a hard challenge for me, but I know it is something that can be changed with time and practice.

The second positive thing was doing a bit of investigation into hormones. I've seen lots of people talking about the wait, getting notes, etc. I live in California and it looks like it is really easy to get started here when you are ready. I talked to someone that got prescribed over the phone during the lockdown! They did have to go in after for follow-up blood tests and whatnot. So it will probably take about two weeks or less to get started when I decide to do that, and it will be pretty much entirely covered by insurance. I'm very grateful for all that, as it will allow me to operate on my own schedule and not have to jump through hoops for years.

It's looking like another great day to be Megan! By my count of the last twelve nights - since I saw a therapist for the first time - I've gone to sleep once thinking, "I'm not sure about this," and eleven times thinking, "this is the best thing that's ever happened to me."
39 years old and learning to be Megan :)

Offline Daylight

  • Neighbor
  • ***
  • Posts: 88
  • Reputation: +1/-0
  • Gender: Female
Re: Mapping My Journey
« Reply #25 on: June 02, 2020, 01:11:14 pm »
Wow! I just told my first in real life friend. She was super supportive. I did the whole hemming and hawing thing, and when I finally got to it she said, "Really? I was just going to ask that." That definitely surprised me. We talked for a while and she is going to keep checking in with me to offer support. I told her I am still not 100% sure, but she is going to be in my corner no matter what happens. SO HAPPY!
39 years old and learning to be Megan :)

Offline Daylight

  • Neighbor
  • ***
  • Posts: 88
  • Reputation: +1/-0
  • Gender: Female
Re: Mapping My Journey
« Reply #26 on: June 03, 2020, 11:07:58 pm »
Today was a good day. :)

One interesting thing is my mom is home from her surgery and her pain meds do not have her out of it the way I thought they might. That's a good thing for her. It also makes me think it may be better to just talk to her about everything I'm exploring sooner rather than later. I guess I'll maybe check-in with my therapist?

My friend I talked to yesterday has been awesome. I talked with her last night and this morning about things I never would have imagined I would talk with someone about. She's been incredibly positive and engaged. She's a really special person.

I also tried on some clothes I ordered for my next therapy appointment. I'm still really overweight and I was worried things wouldn't fit well since I ordered online and honestly... I love everything! It's a cute floral dress and it fits great and even the shoes fit perfectly and look quite nice. I've got to ditch the body/arm/leg hair asap. It feels pretty gross seeing hairy legs coming out of that dress. Also, FaceApp is fantastic if slightly imaginary fun that's only better with a dress!
39 years old and learning to be Megan :)

Offline Daylight

  • Neighbor
  • ***
  • Posts: 88
  • Reputation: +1/-0
  • Gender: Female
Re: Mapping My Journey
« Reply #27 on: June 04, 2020, 05:02:52 pm »
I talked to my mom this morning. Definitely it was nerve-wracking. But it went so well and she is so supportive and I felt so relieved and happy. I'm very grateful that I have such wonderful people in my life to support me.

In the "You and Your Gender Identity" book that I've been working through after seeing Ellie post about it here, there is a bit at the beginning about assembling a team. It suggests a mentor, comic relief, tough-love friend, cheerleader, problem solver, good listener, and sidekick. I think I still need to find a mentor and sidekick through meeting people locally, but otherwise, I have great people lined up for all of those roles. I actually really want to pull all these people from different parts of my life and get them together. I think they'd all like each other. :)
39 years old and learning to be Megan :)

Offline Ellie_Arroway

  • *
  • *
  • *
  • Posts: 1,089
  • Reputation: +21/-0
  • Gender: Female
  • ellie_arroway@susans.org
Re: Mapping My Journey
« Reply #28 on: June 05, 2020, 04:27:41 am »
In the "You and Your Gender Identity" book that I've been working through after seeing Ellie post about it here, there is a bit at the beginning about assembling a team. It suggests a mentor, comic relief, tough-love friend, cheerleader, problem solver, good listener, and sidekick. I think I still need to find a mentor and sidekick through meeting people locally, but otherwise, I have great people lined up for all of those roles. I actually really want to pull all these people from different parts of my life and get them together. I think they'd all like each other. :)

Yeah...

I didn't do that, but I did get support from a bunch of people from all walks of life.

One of the benefits to me from transitioning was actually getting involved with social media, and going out more. I had a bit of social anxiety before transitioning; that's all gone away now, and that may be because I forced myself to go out dressed and to go and meet new groups of people while dressed. So I generated a lot more friendships as a result, both online and offline.

I have a mentor. I provide my own comic relief; I actually poke a bit of fun at myself now and then. I don't really have people I would put into the category of any of the other roles. Problem solving tends to come from this forum and from trans friends.

I'm not saying you shouldn't do exactly what it says, but treat it in the spirit it is meant; a suggestion from a therapist. Whether or not you do that, feel free to forge your own path, and make it a good one!

It's excellent news about you coming out to your mother. I'm pretty sure mine would have been supportive, but sadly, she is gone. My father is, too. - E
Started seriously questioning: 24 Aug 2019
Referred to GIC: 23 Sep 2019
Full-time female presentation since: 21 Oct 2019, unbroken since 12 Dec 2019
Official name change by deed poll: 11 Nov 2019
HRT: "kind of" started 15 Jul 2020
Most of my story is in the Just another mtf tale thread!
Twitch streamer MusicEllie

Offline Daylight

  • Neighbor
  • ***
  • Posts: 88
  • Reputation: +1/-0
  • Gender: Female
Re: Mapping My Journey
« Reply #29 on: June 05, 2020, 12:33:14 pm »
I'm so glad you are over your social anxiety, Ellie. :) I want that to be in my future as well. I haven't been someone who has friends they hang out with for years. I'd like to be a fun person that gets out and lives my life to the fullest!

I like how you describe the stuff in the book as being like a suggestion from a therapist. I don't think everyone needs to follow it exactly, and even the description is very open about having people in multiple roles or having online role models fill roles or really doing whatever works for you. I appreciated that the book talked about some different things I could look for and encouraged me to talk with friends about what I need from them. I can fit a lot of the people I already know and want to rely upon in the categories from the book, which is great. It also reminds me of the importance of finding some people near me geographically that can be strong friends and mentors.

Last night was also a big night. My sister came over and I talked to her. She was also incredibly supportive and happy for me that I was able to accept and talk about what I am going through. I'm so very lucky and grateful to have people in my life that just care about me being happy.

The other thing last night was a valuable lesson. If you are trying to learn something, and there are multiple approaches, then your first choice should not be acid. I went to remove my body hair and decided to try a cream. It was great except for the smell, pain, and not working. I need to get some new razors and try a less terrible method tonight to clean it up. I had done a test patch the night before as recommended, so I knew I wasn't going to have an allergic reaction or anything. But I had small cuts from shortening the hair first with a trimmer that did not appreciate being exposed to the stuff.
39 years old and learning to be Megan :)

Offline Northern Star Girl

  • Previously Alaskan Danielle
  • *
  • *
  • *
  • Posts: 28,784
  • Reputation: +37/-0
  • Gender: Female
  • northernstargirl@susans.org
Re: Mapping My Journey
« Reply #30 on: June 05, 2020, 12:45:10 pm »
@Daylight
Dear Daylight:
Per my own experience I would caution most people, gals and guys, to be very careful when using the depilatory hair removal creams such as Nair and other brands. 
They contain chemicals that dissolve the hair below the skin and as such the creams contain harsh chemicals that can irritate the skin and cause red bumps, irritation, rash, pain, etc.

On the other hand, I know that they do work well for some people... certainly a test area first before applying to larger areas... and be sure to strictly follow the instructions and warnings on the product package.


HUGS,
Danielle
***SEE MY LINKS BELOW
The Ramblings of a Northern*Star Girl
A New Chapter: ALASKAN DANIELLE's Chronicles
I am the HUNTED PREY: Danielle’s Chronicles
Things change re: ALASKAN DANIELLE
Positive Mindset... put away negativity

Started HRT:   March 2015
Went Full-Time    December 2016
Quit my male-mode job and relocated to a very small town in Alaska in January 2017
I'm a blonde, blue eyed woman, Age 40

Offline Ellie_Arroway

  • *
  • *
  • *
  • Posts: 1,089
  • Reputation: +21/-0
  • Gender: Female
  • ellie_arroway@susans.org
Re: Mapping My Journey
« Reply #31 on: June 05, 2020, 02:50:30 pm »
Last night was also a big night. My sister came over and I talked to her. She was also incredibly supportive and happy for me that I was able to accept and talk about what I am going through. I'm so very lucky and grateful to have people in my life that just care about me being happy.

That, again, is wonderful!

Do you want me to call you Daylight or Megan by the way?

Quote
The other thing last night was a valuable lesson. If you are trying to learn something, and there are multiple approaches, then your first choice should not be acid. I went to remove my body hair and decided to try a cream. It was great except for the smell, pain, and not working. I need to get some new razors and try a less terrible method tonight to clean it up. I had done a test patch the night before as recommended, so I knew I wasn't going to have an allergic reaction or anything. But I had small cuts from shortening the hair first with a trimmer that did not appreciate being exposed to the stuff.

I don't like depilatory creams. They don't seem to work very well for me.

I use a Ladyshave. It's pretty good and is a one-off cost, not a repeating one. I am also using a home IPL hair growth reduction device because I'm sure this is the path I want to take. That has been a one-off cost as well, although a pretty expensive one. It seems to be working well for me! - E
Started seriously questioning: 24 Aug 2019
Referred to GIC: 23 Sep 2019
Full-time female presentation since: 21 Oct 2019, unbroken since 12 Dec 2019
Official name change by deed poll: 11 Nov 2019
HRT: "kind of" started 15 Jul 2020
Most of my story is in the Just another mtf tale thread!
Twitch streamer MusicEllie

Offline Daylight

  • Neighbor
  • ***
  • Posts: 88
  • Reputation: +1/-0
  • Gender: Female
Re: Mapping My Journey
« Reply #32 on: June 05, 2020, 04:17:26 pm »
Per my own experience I would caution most people, gals and guys, to be very careful when using the depilatory hair removal creams
I would too, now! :laugh: I saw reviews where some people had some really bad reactions! I did the test spot and waited a day after seeing those. That was fine, and nothing really bad happened to me. Just those cuts were a bit painful.

Ellie, it definitely didn't do much for me either. I've seen you talking about different home laser options in your journal, and am considering going that route. I still have to look into it a lot first, though. I appreciate hearing what worked for others, though.

And yes, everything has been wonderful for me lately!

Do you want me to call you Daylight or Megan by the way?
Either! I am feeling that I will end up as Megan. I'm liking it a lot! But I like Daylight as a username here regardless.

Edit: I forgot to answer Ellie's question on my name preferences.
« Last Edit: June 05, 2020, 10:04:46 pm by Daylight »
39 years old and learning to be Megan :)

Offline Ellie_Arroway

  • *
  • *
  • *
  • Posts: 1,089
  • Reputation: +21/-0
  • Gender: Female
  • ellie_arroway@susans.org
Re: Mapping My Journey
« Reply #33 on: June 06, 2020, 03:06:08 am »
Ellie, it definitely didn't do much for me either. I've seen you talking about different home laser options in your journal, and am considering going that route. I still have to look into it a lot first, though. I appreciate hearing what worked for others, though.

Absolutely, Megan! I can only report my own experience. What works for me isn't guaranteed to work for others as with any anecdote. - E
Started seriously questioning: 24 Aug 2019
Referred to GIC: 23 Sep 2019
Full-time female presentation since: 21 Oct 2019, unbroken since 12 Dec 2019
Official name change by deed poll: 11 Nov 2019
HRT: "kind of" started 15 Jul 2020
Most of my story is in the Just another mtf tale thread!
Twitch streamer MusicEllie

Offline Daylight

  • Neighbor
  • ***
  • Posts: 88
  • Reputation: +1/-0
  • Gender: Female
Re: Mapping My Journey
« Reply #34 on: June 07, 2020, 01:54:54 am »
Today was another big day. I had a therapy session and presented female. What an amazing experience! I was really happy with how I looked and how everything felt, especially considering my hesitance a few weeks ago. I'm incredibly grateful for the positive response I've received from friends and family that helped fuel my newfound confidence. I know not everyone is so fortunate.

I think things will slow down a bit for me now. I've gone from confused, ashamed, and terrified to excited and bold in less than a month. There's a lot of work in terms of health, career, and support that needs to be done. So for the next few months, it is probably about grinding all that out and enjoying a life filled with purpose and passion. Then maybe around the new year, I can enjoy the start of my physical and social transition.
39 years old and learning to be Megan :)

Offline davina61

  • *
  • Posts: 4,653
  • Reputation: +12/-0
  • Gender: Female
  • The ramblings of an old dear
Re: Mapping My Journey
« Reply #35 on: June 07, 2020, 03:27:23 am »
Yes after the euphoria it just turns into the new normal, but that's normal without feeling like something is missing. Happier being your true self and finding people like you more . XXXXX
a long time coming (out) HRT 12 2017


Jill of all trades mistress of non
Know a bit about everything but not enough to be clever

Offline Daylight

  • Neighbor
  • ***
  • Posts: 88
  • Reputation: +1/-0
  • Gender: Female
Re: Mapping My Journey
« Reply #36 on: June 09, 2020, 09:43:41 am »
Thanks for the encouragement and insight, Davina! I do hope people like me more, and mostly I hope I like myself more.

I got a really touching letter from my close friend that I talked to about transitioning. We've been talking every day but this was particularly special. She wrote a kind of goodbye/hello letter. It was so sweet and the nice things she said about Megan made me feel terrific about myself. There was also some sadness as I realized how others perceived me as so closed off all these years. I would like people to know me and like me for me.

I do think the transgender and transitioning parts of my life will be a little less urgent for awhile. Obviously very important, but I am settling into it just a tiny bit. I am imagining getting to that normal but nothing missing place and look forward to it, but really want to enjoy the steps in between.

I had some positive career news yesterday as well. Hopefully, that is just the beginning!
39 years old and learning to be Megan :)

Offline Daylight

  • Neighbor
  • ***
  • Posts: 88
  • Reputation: +1/-0
  • Gender: Female
Re: Mapping My Journey
« Reply #37 on: June 11, 2020, 09:20:20 am »
I'm still feeling fantastic about everything! Yesterday I changed my username and came out on the forum that has been my main social outlet for the past 10 years. Everyone there has been very supportive, although my old avatar has my name in it and some people haven't cleared their cache so are still seeing it and getting confused :laugh:

Today I have a voice lesson. I will love it when I feel my voice is feminine and in-line with how I'd like to present, but I know it's going to be a long journey.

I also need to follow-up on the work I look like I'll be getting soon. They are just trying to figure out how to fit me in the budget and which program I am part of and all that. Hopefully, that doesn't become a roadblock of any kind.

Overall, things are just so positive and I am really looking forward to all the experiences ahead. Many will be difficult but I have a new perspective and optimism that feels incredible!
39 years old and learning to be Megan :)

Offline Daylight

  • Neighbor
  • ***
  • Posts: 88
  • Reputation: +1/-0
  • Gender: Female
Re: Mapping My Journey
« Reply #38 on: June 14, 2020, 10:40:45 pm »
The big thing today was talking to my brother. I mentioned it in another thread and won't say much here except that he was great!

Everything is definitely calming down a bit mentally. I feel good, but not so excited and single-minded. I'm confident in where I am going but feel I am getting to a more realistic understanding. Still, it's a million times better than the decades-long depression.

Tomorrow I have an appointment with a new (for me) primary care provider that has more experience with transgender patients. That's pretty exciting and will be a good chance to outline my schedule and understand what might happen over the next several years really.

Also today a friend ordered me a skirt and I ordered some new blouses! I hope everything fits and it is an outfit I can wear to my next therapy appointment in a little more than a week :D
39 years old and learning to be Megan :)

Offline madeleine

  • *
  • Posts: 501
  • Reputation: +4/-0
  • Gender: Female
Re: Mapping My Journey
« Reply #39 on: June 20, 2020, 08:03:11 pm »
Megan, Congrats! Sounds like you are doing great and moving ahead!  I agree with Davina, it is not fireworks all the time and bold steps forward can become your new everyday.  But it is a better everyday!

Tags: