Author Topic: Dysphoria from prostate removal  (Read 331 times)

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Offline Confused1

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Dysphoria from prostate removal
« on: May 27, 2020, 05:14:56 pm »

This may be slightly different from the norm, but I’ll start out by saying I am Transgender!  (A little Alcoholics anonymous humor :D ;D ) I actually signed up here months ago, but life got in the way. I have been lurking for awhile on and off around Susan’s reading several posts. I feel like I know some of you even though you don’t know me yet.
I have had these “feelings” to varying degrees since I was little. I am AMAB, but even as a child I thought I should have the absence of lower “bits” like my younger sister did. (nonbinary)
As I grew up in the 50’s and 60’s, I thought I just had weird thoughts I could never share with anyone. Seemed like nobody else had this and saying it out loud could get you in a bit of trouble. Puberty was traumatic almost like the movie “Carrie.” I compartmentalized many of my “thoughts” and “manned up” the best I could. I married my soul mate and have adult children. I guess I have been able to compartmentalize and ignore the dysphoria most of my life.
In early 2018 I had prostate surgery due to cancer and one side effect has been LIFE CHANGING. I actually retired somewhat early because of it. I had a recurrence of the cancer that I am now getting radiation for. Radiation did temporarily side track my plans. I have to do something to make life better and it fits with GRS. I am not suicidal, but don’t want to live the rest of my life like this. My wife and one close friend know what I am trying to achieve, but only know of my surgery side effect as the reason, and it alone is a VALID reason!
From reading posts on this forum, I have learned that I am not alone. So far I’ve not found anyone that had their dysphoria triggered in quite the same way as mine. Maybe someone like me that has not posted it? In any event, it took me awhile to come to terms with it. I couldn’t recognize/accept I was Transgender until I was almost 64 years old. It wasn’t even a word for most of my life. I figured out I meet the WPATH requirements, but didn’t really know how to approach a therapist without sounding like I was nuts.
I am scared of the major surgery, but more so of living as I m now. I plan to get the Zero depth vaginoplasty. I have no desire for sex with a male and don’t want the extra upkeep of the full depth vaginoplasty. Zero depth is also what is usually done post prostate for health reasons.  I guess that makes me a eunuch lesbian?
I have had 2 sessions with a therapist that have gone surprisingly well.  In addition, the conversation with my wife started out difficult like most people here. She is very Cisgender. I asked her if she could live with a man that stepped on a landmine or had penile cancer. It took her a little while, but she came around and now pretty much has my back. She did flinch, though, when I told her about my therapist appointment. As someone else on here said in a post, I would take a bullet for her. One day at a time.

Offline Northern Star Girl

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Re: Dysphoria from prostate removal
« Reply #1 on: May 27, 2020, 05:23:42 pm »
@Confused1
Dear Confused
    Please know that I do not wish to sidetrack and hijack your post and questions but I need to give you the rules and other information regarding the forums... and to Officially Greet you.  I will give your posted topic and thread back to you so you can pursue the answers and other members thoughts that you are seeking.

    I am happy to see that you have signed up as a member of Susan's Place and have submitted your first posting telling us about yourself.

    As you post here on the forums you will be able to exchange thoughts and comments with others that are experiencing many of the same things that you wrote about.
 
    This is the right place for you to be to find out what others may have to say that may have been in your circumstances and with your questions and concerns.
    There are a lot of members here that will be able to identify with your situation as you continue to feel free to share it.
 
    I also want to warmly WELCOME you to Susan's Place
You will find this a safe and friendly place to share with others and to read about others similar trials, tribulations, and successes.

    As you are certainly aware you can share with others and involve yourself with some give and take with other like-minded members.  When frustrated or if you have successes you can share it here if you wish and receive support from others and offer support to others. ....
     ***There is a very good chance that you might find that you will make some new like-minded friends here. 

    Please come in and continue to be involved at your own pace.   Other members will be along shortly to give you their thoughts about your questions and concerns that you mentioned in your very first posting.
   
    There is information and important LINKS that I have included below.   You will find information about the site that will help you navigate around and best utilize the features here.   
Please look closely at the LINKS in RED, answers are there to many questions that new members ask....

Again, Welcome to Susan's Place.
Danielle


Here are some links to the site rules and stuff that all new members should be familiar with:
 
Things that you should read
***SEE MY LINKS BELOW
The Ramblings of a Northern*Star Girl
A New Chapter: ALASKAN DANIELLE's Chronicles
I am the HUNTED PREY: Danielle’s Chronicles
Things change re: ALASKAN DANIELLE
Positive Mindset... put away negativity

Started HRT:   March 2015
Went Full-Time    December 2016
Quit my male-mode job and relocated to a very small town in Alaska in January 2017
I'm a blonde, blue eyed woman, Age 40

Offline Northern Star Girl

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Re: Dysphoria from prostate removal
« Reply #2 on: May 27, 2020, 05:23:58 pm »
@Confused1 
Dear Confused:
 
With more exposure to more members here you will be able to get more responses to your questions and concerns.

Wishing you well as you continue to be involved in the forums.

NOTE: Now, after all of this Greeting and Welcoming stuff, I will give you and others the thread back so that the conversation can continue.

Again, Welcome to Susan's Place.
Danielle
« Last Edit: May 27, 2020, 09:28:42 pm by Northern Star Girl »
***SEE MY LINKS BELOW
The Ramblings of a Northern*Star Girl
A New Chapter: ALASKAN DANIELLE's Chronicles
I am the HUNTED PREY: Danielle’s Chronicles
Things change re: ALASKAN DANIELLE
Positive Mindset... put away negativity

Started HRT:   March 2015
Went Full-Time    December 2016
Quit my male-mode job and relocated to a very small town in Alaska in January 2017
I'm a blonde, blue eyed woman, Age 40

Offline Rakel

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Re: Dysphoria from prostate removal
« Reply #3 on: May 27, 2020, 08:53:25 pm »
Dear Confused1,

Your situation is similar to my own. I also, knew I was different from a young age and even considered transition at age 17, but like your self life got in the way. Fast forward 50 years and I too developed prostate issues. Spironolactone and Finasteride helped with the prostate some, but I also developed some breast tissue. This brought back many suppressed feelings from years ago. In addition, my marriage was falling apart for various reasons. After a visit with a therapist and a prescription for Estradiol, I knew I would never go back to my previous life.

I previously had a TURP for the prostate issues and most surgeons will not attempt a full vaginoplasty for anyone with a similar history. I finally found a surgeon who was also an urologist and of course, he was skeptical about what he could do for me concerning vaginal depth. After penile inversion vaginoplasty, my depth is 4 inches, which is not that impressive, but for anyone who has had any type of prostate surgery, I am happy with that. I have another friend who had full depth vaginoplasty after prostate cancer. She is also very satisfied with her surgery.

My point is this, having prostate surgery is not necessarily a dis qualifier for full depth vaginoplasty.  Whatever you decide to do is your choice. I just want to let you know there are other options.

Take care.  :-*



Offline Confused1

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Re: Dysphoria from prostate removal
« Reply #4 on: May 27, 2020, 10:28:55 pm »
Thanks for the huge welcome Danielle. I have read enough posts to see there are some good people on here with much knowledge. I thought this was my introduction, but I can see why you moved it.
Do you think I should write a shorter intro?



Dear Confused1,

Your situation is similar to my own. I also, knew I was different from a young age and even considered transition at age 17, but like your self life got in the way. Fast forward 50 years and I too developed prostate issues.  [.....] 

My point is this, having prostate surgery is not necessarily a dis qualifier for full depth vaginoplasty.  Whatever you decide to do is your choice. I just want to let you know there are other options.

Take care.  :-*

Thanks Rakel.
I have wondered if there were others here minus their prostate. I was hoping I would not be alone in this. At 17 I didn't even know this was a possibility, and it might not have been accepted well where I grew up. That said, I might have done the full transition not many years past that myself. Life does get in the way sometimes. Surgeries are easier to heal from at a young age. I have looked at several surgeon websites and most of them recommend the Zero Depth, but you are right that some will do the full Vaginoplasty. I am pretty much lesbian oriented and as I said, I don't think I want the upkeep required early on. My wife has gone through Menopause and has no interest at all. I am currently on Lupron to shut down Testosterone and actually enjoying it, including feeling almost asexual at the moment. The only negative from the Lupron is that it greatly irritates my side effect. I don't have a clue what effect I would get from Estrogen other than what I have read here. If I could go back I would have done radiation and NEVER done the surgery. In addition, if I were not married, I would have gone to Thailand over a year ago and had the GRS right away, even if I had to sell the house! With the return of the cancer, it is good I didn't. It is the very aggressive kind. I am very much in love with my wife, so I have go slower and make it palatable for her as well. I have had 2 sessions with a therapist, and when I explained to her what I am going through from the side effect, she seems almost ready to sign off right now on the letter. I know it takes 2 letters and I think she is working on helping me with that as well. I will have my 3rd session in a couple weeks.

Offline Northern Star Girl

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Re: Dysphoria from prostate removal
« Reply #5 on: May 27, 2020, 11:08:48 pm »
@Confused1
Dear Confused:
Only if you are so inclined you can post a brief and shorter posting telling more members about
yourself in the  Introductions Forum.
With more exposure to more members here you will be able to get more responses to your questions
and concerns as you feel free to share.

Wishing your well as you continue to be involved in the forums.

Danielle
***SEE MY LINKS BELOW
The Ramblings of a Northern*Star Girl
A New Chapter: ALASKAN DANIELLE's Chronicles
I am the HUNTED PREY: Danielle’s Chronicles
Things change re: ALASKAN DANIELLE
Positive Mindset... put away negativity

Started HRT:   March 2015
Went Full-Time    December 2016
Quit my male-mode job and relocated to a very small town in Alaska in January 2017
I'm a blonde, blue eyed woman, Age 40

Offline Battle Goddess

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Re: Dysphoria from prostate removal
« Reply #6 on: May 28, 2020, 10:14:34 am »
@Confused1,

There's no humor like AA humor! Love it! The best meetings are the meetings where we laugh a lot.

It also wasn't until my Higher Power manifested and gave me a serious dope slap that I understood the transgender path I was on and that I'd always have someone with me along the way. AA ain't for everyone, but it's surely done a lot for me.

Very sorry to hear about your ongoing prostate issues, too. Very happy for you, though, that they were diagnosed and are treatable. Wishing you the best possible outcome.

I think you'll find yourself in good company on this site. Plenty of folks in our age bracket contending with the challenges of committing to our true natures after all these years, wondering how to work things out with spouses we love, grappling with what happens with sex, and on and on.

I encourage you to keep reading, writing, and sharing. It's helped me immeasurably. Your appreciation of the soul-baring honesty of AA will serve you well here.

Good luck.
Spironolactone January 10 2019
Divigel January 20 2019
Estradiol Valerate March 14 2019

Offline AllieSF

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Re: Dysphoria from prostate removal
« Reply #7 on: May 28, 2020, 11:33:49 am »
Hello Confused,

I had my prostate removed for cancer in 2005 at age 58.  As a result of that I was impotent (only self injections directly into the penis somewhat helped, but I only had direct hits with the needle about 2 times out of ten!) and incontinent.  I went through a couple of large pads everyday at the beginning and then for a few years I got along mostly with one pad.  My doctor recommended that I get the advanced male sling, a mesh similar to what they use for women who have incontinence problems after giving birth.  I got that surgery where the put in a mesh to lift the bladder to help restrict the leakage.  That didn't work, an operation under anesthesia for nothing.

I was very disappointed and upset over the whole situation.  I can look back now and see that all that put me into a type of depression that I didn't even know that I had.  So, in late 2006 I started crossdressing, went out into the real world in 2007 and really enjoyed playing that role when out of being a woman.  I had no problem putting her back in the closet, or many plastic bags as my purchases grew, until the next time.

Taking one step at a time from newbie, to full on crossdresser, to recognizing that I was a MtF transsexual, I steadily became the woman inside me.  I can't really recall any strong memories of ever wanting to be a woman or girl in my past long life, but here I was, and am today a woman, a proud and happy (with me) trans-woman with no regrets about how I got here.  I loved Al and now love Allie even more realizing all that I have internally and externally accomplished since late 2006.

Once I knew who I was, I started considering what my next trans related steps could and should be.  I started HRT and got a little breast growth, and the spironolactone did its thing lowering, at first, my testosterone to single digits.  It also had a very negative side effect too.  Spiro being a diuretic, my urine production greatly increased and my rare incontinency "accidents" got more frequent and much worse.  That is not very good for a girl that likes to get out at night into the City to meet up with friends, drink some wine, eat well and maybe dance later.  That is when I decided to get control of my health life to be better able to enjoy this new me.

I consulted with an urologist and we scheduled another surgery to try to stop or control that incontinence by installing an artificial sphincter.  At the same time I attacked another health issue, which was a chronic cough that I had since high school.  Turns out that I had serious acid reflux, GERD, and that had caused my serious swallowing issue, ulcers and resulting scar tissue at the sphincter just above the stomach entrance.  According to Sheldon, the genius on The Big Bang Theory, we have 19 of those.  It was also discovered that I had pulmonary fibrosis, which was even much more serious!

I first took care of the GERD and had a major operation, fundoplication, to wrap the top of my stomach around my esophagus to prevent reflux.  Then about a month later had my artificial sphincter installed.  When consulting with the doctor I asked him, "Doc, while you are down there could you also ....?".  He knew my history and said, "Sure, no problem."  So, I had my orchiectomy in January 2018, my first gender confirming surgery without needing any therapist's letter.  Since then, I have had my BA last September and my FFS January this year. 

What comes next in my physical transition is complicated due to my complications down there with the newish sphincter.  Additionally, I am on Medicare and the nearest GRS doctor who accepts that is down in Los Angeles and I live in the San Francisco bay area, not convenient at all for aftercare and consultations, etc.  Plus, I have never heard of him before.

I apologize for the long detailed story of my situation, it was cathartic for me right now to retell it, and it may help you to know that you now know someone who may have some similar issues as you do. It all can be done even at our ages and whatever we decide to do can help us enjoy our lives as they were meant to be lived and enjoyed.  When you ghet your 15 posts, I think, you should be able to private message(PM) me here to talk more.  I am an open book, love to talk and share and help others.

One other thing I wanted to share, I have also considered the zero (minimum) depth vaginoplasty for the same reasons as yours.  However, there are two other procedures that you should check out, the peritoneal pull through method and one where they use a section of the colon for the vaginal lining instead of using pubic area skin and scrotum tissue for the canal lining.  The offer some great benefits, including the greatly reduced need for constant dilating and self lubricating.  You never know when when we might just fall in love with that ghastly spinach we once hated!  I am not dead yet and if I get a chance I would like to "be able" to take advantage of it.

Contact me if you want to talk.

Good luck and a big hug,

Allie
HRT - February 2017
Full Time - July 2018
Orchi - January 2018
BA - September 25, 2019
FFS - January 10, 2020
GRS - TBDDD (To Be Determined, Decision and Date)

Offline Confused1

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Re: Dysphoria from prostate removal
« Reply #8 on: May 28, 2020, 09:02:57 pm »
Hi Battle Goddess,
Thanks for your kind comments. I figure it helps sometimes to add a little humor. I have had to talk to doctors/nurses the last 2 years about things I would never have been able to even speak out loud before. I have never been very comfortable with some parts of my body and now I understand a little more of the why.
I am doing all that I can stand to stop the cancer. So many things about this fit my path forward, as if God was pushing me towards it. I have done thousands of hours online searching for an answer and it shows up as a GRS surgery. Go figure! Killing 2 Birds with 1 stone?


Hello Confused,

I had my prostate removed for cancer in 2005 at age 58.  As a result of that I was impotent (only self injections directly into the penis somewhat helped, but I only had direct hits with the needle about 2 times out of ten!) and incontinent.

I was very disappointed and upset over the whole situation.  I can look back now and see that all that put me into a type of depression that I didn't even know that I had. 

I loved Al and now love Allie even more realizing all that I have internally and externally accomplished since late 2006.

I first took care of the GERD and had a major operation, fundoplication, to wrap the top of my stomach around my esophagus to prevent reflux.  Then about a month later had my artificial sphincter installed.  When consulting with the doctor I asked him, "Doc, while you are down there could you also ....?".  He knew my history and said, "Sure, no problem."   
When you get your 15 posts, I think, you should be able to private message(PM) me here to talk more.  I am an open book, love to talk and share and help others.


Contact me if you want to talk.

Good luck and a big hug,

Allie


Hi Allie,

I went through a period of incontinence. I was glad when mine improved. (It does appears to be getting worse from the radiation) I had nocturnal and spontaneous erections at a little over 4 months. I ended up with a urethra length somewhere between a male and female. I’ll let you work that one out in your mind.

Sorry about you acid reflux issues. I have read about the artificial sphincter for both men and women. I am also a long distance away from a GRS surgeon that works for Medicare.

Because of his condescending attitude, I got mad and said something to my urologist last  year about what I am contemplating. He actually called my GP trying to get him to put me on an anti-depressant. I was thankful I had already had a conversation with my GP. I suspected it might go there. I think he is afraid of a lawsuit. My GP did nothing of the sort and said when I told him of my problem, he got depressed. I knew he did, because he immediately told me to come back in 3 months and left the room. I have known him well over a decade and he never acted like that.
The funny thing about the doctor visits, it shows up in their comments which I gave to my therapist.

I appreciate your offer to PM, and I will take you up on it. Thanks for the hug. Back at you

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