Author Topic: This is the rest of my story, and why my transition has been so slow  (Read 585 times)

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Offline Dani lee

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          My life has been an American nightmare from beginning to the miserable end. As a child I had suffered just about every kind of abuse that a kid could. My parents didn't like or understand there strange child. They seen me as a problem to put off onto other family members, got shipped around a lot one uncle almost killed me when I was six he gave me 3 broken ribs and a serious concussion. Another uncle sexually abused me. When I was at my parents they were extremely neglectful and mentally abusive.  Eventually I ended up with my paternal grandparents. They were good folks who thought me right from wrong, my grandma realized right away that I was transgender, she was excepting of this, but this was back in the 70,s and 80's so there wasn't much she could do to really help with this.
By the time I got out of school I just wanted to forget the whole nightmare of childhood, had this serious need to just be numb.
       Made a lot of just really bad mistakes, drank very heavy went from wild woman to the next, had this line I'd give them," I like to be abused. Would you like to abuse me?" Most of the 90's was just a blur...
       But in 95 I had made friends with these college girls and eventually told them who I really was, they treated me like one of the girls for a time I was really at piece. They seen me as a 6"2' doll to play dress up then we'd go out to mess with the public, that was a lot of fun.
        One day they talked me into going and getting help by seeing a therapist. The therapist laughed his ass off when I told him what I wanted and just refused to help me in any way. This was a really unpleasant experience. So for the next 20 years it was back to being totally dysfunctional.
         So by 2010 my health really started to decline had a few surgeries. Came close to dieing. The surgeries only were just partaly successful. Was still having problems it took another 5 years to realize that what the problem really was was stress from not being truthful to my self. I've been with the same woman since the early 2000's.  This one seen how much the stress had had a bad effect on my health and has been excepting. She got her back hurt while on the job, several years ago then just decided not to do anything to help her self. Up to this point I was just fed up that she couldn't do anything to help her self( this was pretransition). Then in 2015 I went on my mission to get my letters of recommendation witch I got. About a year into my transition my girlfriend s health got bad heart problems from not exercising. As time went by I'd try any and every thing I could think of to get her to do something to help herself, all to no avail. Last year she tested positive for colon cancer, just guess what she did nothing. Every step along the way she has refused to follow any kind of doctors orders.
           The first couple of years that I was self employed I did ok had health insurance, then trump was elected had to let that go his tarrifs seen to that....where I live there is lots of very low paying jobs. Since trump I had to make some cutbacks just to make ends meet. Last year was the worst way less than 20000. This year is going to be way worse.
         About 3 weeks ago I had this nasty pain in my chest like someone kicked me there. It was where I had a hernia in my diaphragm they repaired it in 2010 the mesh must have moved or torn as I'm having breathing problems again. This isn't going to go well with my job of eating dirt for a living.
       I knew before covid that my girlfriend is going to die sometime in the next year, there's nothing worse than being powerless to figure something out to save her.
       Then covid happened. I've got to deal with stupid selfish people who I do work for. Coming into my job site touching my tools not warring a mask not social distancing. And when I bring it up that I don't like it, she blows in my face. And says that everyone who's diying was just going to die anyway!!!! This fool also told me that she took a vaccine for cows that's going to protect her....... Nut job.....
I really just hate my job.....the bad thing is around here I don't see many people doing what they should.
         Over time all the bad starts to really just ware you down.
I know that a lot of other people have it worse and I feel for them.
       But even with out covid I'll be dead in a year and a half. I don't mean for this to be taken the wrong way but if I get it it will be a blessing to have a much quicker death. And to be able to die at home, not homeless. I hurd on the news that there's a 98% chance of getting it.... I do work for stupid people I'm going to catch it before winter.
            I'm thankful for the last five years of peace.  To the young ones out there don't let anyone stop you from going after what you want in life. Don't wait until it's too late.
          I wish everyone the best of luck
          Dani
« Last Edit: May 31, 2020, 12:54:14 pm by Ellie_Arroway »

Offline Ellie_Arroway

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@Dani lee
Dear Dani,

What a sad story.

I do question your assessment that you will die next year, though. Getting Covid-19 itself is not a death sentence. Some people do die from it, of course, but others recover.

I hope your situation improves. - E
Started seriously questioning: 24 Aug 2019
Referred to GIC: 23 Sep 2019
Full-time female presentation since: 21 Oct 2019, unbroken since 12 Dec 2019
Official name change by deed poll: 11 Nov 2019
HRT: probably sometime in the 22nd century...
Most of my story is in the Just another mtf tale thread!
Twitch streamer MusicEllie

Offline Devlyn

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I had Covid-19 and was only mildly affected. For the vast majority of people this is a very minor illness.
Veteran, US Army

Offline Dani lee

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         Had two surgeries for the problem that I have, from the experience of the first one failing, and what it felt like to drown in my own fluids, wouldn't wish this on anyone. They can't go back in and do another because of the scar tissue, would just bleed out on the table.
         As for covid, it kills people that has breathing problems. Not trying to go out of my way to get it, I do ware a mask. But I hope I do get it. A quicker death is better than having one that drags on and on.
        Sorry for the doom and gloom
      Dani

Offline Gertrude

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With the pandemic it's really pushed remote everything. This includes telemedicine which includes therapy. If you can do it, I can recommend someone. I realize things are in a dire straight for you right now, but sometimes a way out is making plans and have goals. Sounds simple, but even start out small. Have easier short term and also medium and long term. Long term, I would be getting out of where you live. I am guessing Texas? If you want to stay there, Austin is a possibility or Marfa, but I digress. Hope is a choice, so is despair. I have my bouts with both. Let us know how you are doing and if you need anything.

Offline Maddie

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Dani it sounds like a horrible inconsiderate situation at work.    And a traumatic origin.
Like it continues to create your present because you can't get past being unloved and unlucky.  It just snowballed.

I also feel stalled, like there is a matrix program blocking me anytime I get close to breaking through.
Currently working in rewiring the things that are stalling me.  Wish me luck, and back at you hon.
 Stay healthy as you can.
If you know what life is worth you will look for yours on Earth

Offline Dani lee

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      Thanks for your kind thoughts, as for moving right now that's just out of the question, got a very sick partner to deal with.
     The work situation is just bad. With no other choices.
     I live in a worse state than Texas, Kansas.
     As for this ticking time bomb in my chest once it starts coming apart there isn't much to do to slow it down or stop it. Especially without health insurance.
        I just wanted to make sure that their was some kind of record that I had been here for when it does get worse.
        All I can say to anyone else is to keep up the good fight.
       Thanks
     Dani
       

Offline Gertrude

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Colorado isn't far away. Check out Trinidad. Lots of opportunities and it's laid back.


     <moderation edit>
« Last Edit: May 31, 2020, 05:50:50 pm by Northern Star Girl »

Online RandyL

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Re: This is the rest of my story, and why my transition has been so slow
« Reply #8 on: June 03, 2020, 12:10:22 pm »
Colorado isn't far away. Check out Trinidad. Lots of opportunities and it's laid back.


     <moderation edit>
Don't know what will happen with state budget cuts, but Colorado Medicaid does cover transgender care (besides routine care). Sounds like you would qualify.

Sent from my dual-floppy Victor 9000 using Tapatalk

Casting about for my best path forward...

Offline Dani lee

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Re: This is the rest of my story, and why my transition has been so slow
« Reply #9 on: June 12, 2020, 07:56:37 am »
          I'd like to say thanks for the kind thoughts
        Unfortunately moving right now is just out of the question, my partner is too sick to move, if I left her right now she'd just die right away. Personally that is something I just couldn't live with.
       Second I've got a genetic disorder where my diaphragm gets tears in it, that's the mussel that makes you breathe. Stress only makes the condition worse, speeds things up.
          Next I'm only making enough money to just barely get by with the absolute essentials.
        I've had two surgeries for this problem in the past, my surgeon said the last time that the odds are extremely low of making it through another. Because of all the scar tissue, would just bleed out on the table.
        It's been a really long time since I have had a really good night's sleep, never really being able to think clearly always just tired. That is why this is going to be my last post. It just too easy to get everything jumbled up and confused when you don't feel good.
       Sometimes there are just what I call no win situations in life, when these things happen all one can do is the best that they can.
        I'm thankful for the last five years of peace. The only objective of this thread was to explain why my transition was so slow.
         I have excepted my fate, and it's ok. Next time around hopefully life will be better.
        Dani

Offline Maddie

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Re: This is the rest of my story, and why my transition has been so slow
« Reply #10 on: June 22, 2020, 11:35:45 pm »
Bless you Dani.
If you know what life is worth you will look for yours on Earth

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