Author Topic: I don't like the emotional changes.  (Read 560 times)

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Offline Erika_

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I don't like the emotional changes.
« on: April 29, 2020, 01:34:10 pm »
I've noticed over the past several months of hormones that my emotions have changed, and not for the better. I caught romantic feelings for someone and that was a mistake because it blew up in my face.

I want the physical effects, and some of the emotional effects. But not all of them. I seem to have lost the ability to suppress the unpleasant emotions, and the problem is that all of my emotions are unpleasant.
I have nothing to be happy about, and only feeling bad has deteriorated my mental heath.

I haven't slept in months due to nightmares, and my dysphoria is through the roof. I don't want to make the mistake of catching feelings for someone again, so I need a way to tune that out permanently.

Is there a way to re-gain my ability to tune out my feelings, or do I have to stop hormones?


Offline Meghan

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Re: I don't like the emotional changes.
« Reply #1 on: April 29, 2020, 02:22:22 pm »
Hello Erika,

That's why you need mental support while transition by talking to Behavior Therapist to sorting your mind while under HRT

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Offline Erika_

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Re: I don't like the emotional changes.
« Reply #2 on: April 29, 2020, 04:28:36 pm »
I've tried therapy, and it has proven to be ineffective.


Offline Rakel

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Re: I don't like the emotional changes.
« Reply #3 on: April 29, 2020, 07:08:04 pm »
Erika,

You are acting just like a teenage girl.  ;)  You are going through puberty. This happens to everyone. You are perfectly normal in this respect.

As we mature, we all learn to control our emotions. There is no need to suppress your emotions right now. Just be aware that you are going to have some new and powerful feelings for others. Most importantly, we need to learn to respect the feelings of others.  :'(

Take care.  :-*



Offline Tamara Tilly

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Re: I don't like the emotional changes.
« Reply #4 on: April 30, 2020, 02:59:05 am »
Hi Erika,

This is very complex. I had terrible waves of depression at one point about a year ago and not entirely comparable to what teenage girls go through. It's possibly a mixture of that and menopause, because we are effectively halting a systemic hormone with which we have lived all our lives. Plus I think these hormones relate very closely to all our other functionality and we alter them with consequences.

There are all kinds of very complex changes going on and, as I've discovered the painful way, hormones are unbelievably powerful. There's a slight tendency imho among some in the MtF community (thankfully not so much on this forum) to be overly simplistic about this. What governs our equilibrium is not just T and E, but a whole host of related glands and hormonal responses: parts of our brains and body which closely inter-relate such as thyroid function, cortisol, adrenal glands, pituitary gland, amygdala etc. There are insufficient, and insufficiently rigorous, scientific studies on the effects of transitioning.

The suggestion of psychotherapy is an important one I feel but may not be sufficient as you have indeed stated. I found Bessel van der Kolk's brilliant book 'The Body Keeps the Score' immensely helpful in understanding how all these things tie together. It's not about transitioning but it's brilliant on mind and body and the psycho-physiological functions. In some sense I think most of us in the MtF world suffer from trauma: it's a variation on dysphoria so I'd recommend the book to everyone (especially at the moment).

I will add to the above one thing but please only take this up with a physician. It's something I discovered and I know a few on here have too. It's to take a little Testosterone, even if temporarily. I know that this might make some MtF's throw up their hands in totally understandable horror, and it may seem counter-intuitive, but I've found the very hard way that the only way I can find balance, including mental health, is to take a very small amount of T each day (someone else on here takes it every other day). I did what you are suggesting for a time and came off all estrogen for some months. Eventually my gender dysphoria kicked back in, and in fact my body began making its own estrogen which was quite droll. But I've now settled on taking a small amount of T alongside my transitioning dose of E. I do mean a small amount. In my case it's through Tostran gel. I find it calms my depressive emotional waves and gives me more energy and libido. It may be a temporary thing but at the moment it really works for me and still means I am transitioning again now with E levels well up in the female range.

Good luck with this. I really feel for you through it having been on a similar trajectory, which was very very tough at the time.

much love,

xx

Online Devlyn

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Re: I don't like the emotional changes.
« Reply #5 on: April 30, 2020, 05:41:13 am »
At age 58, I find having the emotional range of a teenage girl to be less than desirable.That's why I asked my doctor if transgender people of my age should go on a "maintenance" dose of estradiol once all the physical changes have occured, to mimic natural hormone levels. Her response: "That's an excellent question, Dev. I don't know, there are few studies on any of the long term effects on transgender people."
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Offline Rakel

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Re: I don't like the emotional changes.
« Reply #6 on: April 30, 2020, 05:55:29 am »
Fertile young women are noted for extreme swings in their hormone blood levels. Add to this the inexperience with how they behave during those hormone swings, makes for a very interesting situation.

I am 70 years old and I decided that I wanted blood levels right at the lower range of a pre menopausal woman, specifically, 120 pg/ml. My feeling on this is that I want to maintain my feminine appearance, but be fully in control of my my emotions.

Of course, everybody will have their own experience on how these hormones effect your behavior. You just have to find what works for you to get you to your desired results.



Offline Meghan

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Re: I don't like the emotional changes.
« Reply #7 on: April 30, 2020, 06:23:02 am »
I just want to reach 200 levels of Estradiol to see how far my body will change,  and that's why I do HRT for

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Offline Tamara Tilly

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Re: I don't like the emotional changes.
« Reply #8 on: April 30, 2020, 06:37:03 am »
Fertile young women are noted for extreme swings in their hormone blood levels. Add to this the inexperience with how they behave during those hormone swings, makes for a very interesting situation.


Yep I have daughters and taught much of my life in girls' schools and teenage hormonal swings can be considerable.

Depression and anxiety are something else and, as I know a lot about mental health, I'd suggest the need to tread carefully before reducing them to mere teenage angst.

There's something about the HRT treatment of MtF's in later life which can really set off what Erika describes as 'extremely unpleasant' feelings. Repeated nightmares are on a different level. I went through this a year ago and it was horrendous. A deep, dark, chasm.

When we adapt our hormones we trigger potentially huge changes in our mental health. At the very least, it's vital to have a psychiatrist (the UK system) or psychotherapist or preferably both.

Offline Maid Marion

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Re: I don't like the emotional changes.
« Reply #9 on: April 30, 2020, 07:24:40 am »
Getting lab tests done makes a lot of sense.  Farmers get soil tests all the time so they don't spend money on using too much fertilizer for the crops they wish to grow.  If you know what your levels are you and your doctors can figure out what they should be.

Offline iskra

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Re: I don't like the emotional changes.
« Reply #10 on: May 30, 2020, 11:11:47 am »
At age 58, I find having the emotional range of a teenage girl to be less than desirable.That's why I asked my doctor if transgender people of my age should go on a "maintenance" dose of estradiol once all the physical changes have occured, to mimic natural hormone levels. Her response: "That's an excellent question, Dev. I don't know, there are few studies on any of the long term effects on transgender people."

Emotional range of a teenage girl. What do you mean? How does this mental experience differ from what you had before HRT? Do you not enjoy the mental sensibilities of a women, since that is what you have now in some ways.? Do you ever miss the masculine mental and emotional state?

Offline CynthiaAnn

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Re: I don't like the emotional changes.
« Reply #11 on: May 30, 2020, 11:22:58 am »
Do you ever miss the masculine mental and emotional state?

no, it was toxic, especially when viewed in hindsight
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Online Devlyn

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Re: I don't like the emotional changes.
« Reply #12 on: May 30, 2020, 12:16:26 pm »
At age 58, I find having the emotional range of a teenage girl to be less than desirable.That's why I asked my doctor if transgender people of my age should go on a "maintenance" dose of estradiol once all the physical changes have occured, to mimic natural hormone levels. Her response: "That's an excellent question, Dev. I don't know, there are few studies on any of the long term effects on transgender people."

Emotional range of a teenage girl. What do you mean? How does this mental experience differ from what you had before HRT? Do you not enjoy the mental sensibilities of a women, since that is what you have now in some ways.? Do you ever miss the masculine mental and emotional state?

I mean that I want to remain in control of my emotions; I don't want to be a blubbering mess watching Bambi. I don't want to have meltdowns because I feel like "no one understands me". And I don't have that emotional sensitivity, I hope my post didn't convey that message.

I don't have the mental sensibilities of a woman; I don't identify as one. I'm genderfluid, my daily presentation is female, and I've changed all my documents to align with that. But there are girl days, and there are boy days. On the boy days, I just ignore that I'm presenting as a girl.  :)
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Offline Ellie_Arroway

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Re: I don't like the emotional changes.
« Reply #13 on: May 30, 2020, 01:10:55 pm »
I mean that I want to remain in control of my emotions; I don't want to be a blubbering mess watching Bambi. I don't want to have meltdowns because I feel like "no one understands me". And I don't have that emotional sensitivity, I hope my post didn't convey that message.

I don't have the mental sensibilities of a woman; I don't identify as one. I'm genderfluid, my daily presentation is female, and I've changed all my documents to align with that. But there are girl days, and there are boy days. On the boy days, I just ignore that I'm presenting as a girl.  :)

That's what I thought you meant. That's one of the reasons I may not get on with hormones; I already get more emotional than I "should," given that I'm AMAB (although I think that's more to do with society than the "base" state of a man).

And I think I inhabit the same kind of non-binaryish space. - E
Started seriously questioning: 24 Aug 2019
Referred to GIC: 23 Sep 2019
Full-time female presentation since: 21 Oct 2019, unbroken since 12 Dec 2019
Official name change by deed poll: 11 Nov 2019
HRT: "kind of" started 15 Jul 2020
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Offline Tess100

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Re: I don't like the emotional changes.
« Reply #14 on: May 30, 2020, 01:37:19 pm »
But there are girl days, and there are boy days. On the boy days, I just ignore that I'm presenting as a girl.  :)
[/quote]

I love this!

Offline Virelai

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Re: I don't like the emotional changes.
« Reply #15 on: May 30, 2020, 02:21:08 pm »
Interesting. It has been a delight for me that I have regained my ability to cry easily. It feels like I lost it somewhere in the last decade (which was post-puberty, weird, right?). I could still cry, but it took more. While I didn't think much of it, it feels so right to have that ability back.

Although, at this point, I'm not breaking out crying randomly anything, and I also haven't had it happen in public... We'll see how I feel if that happens in public lol