Author Topic: Confused if I’m just a feminine gay guy or if I’m trans, looking for guidance?  (Read 669 times)

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Offline lookingforhappiness

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I know that no one can ultimately tell me who I am but me, but I still think some guidance would help me figure out some of these feelings. I’ve tried an other forum, but it’s very echo chambery and I’d prefer a a forum that’s dedicated to trans issues. I’m 22, if I’m trans I’m MTF, and to put it briefly extremely depressed, anxious, often suicidal, and most of all distressed. This May, just about a month ago, I came to the conclusion that I’m trans and it gave me the most relief and happiness I’ve ever felt, but I’m a massive self doubter and second guesser and now I’m wondering if I’m just a hyper feminine gay man who can’t accept that. It’s possible I’m non-binary but every time I explore  that route it doesn’t feel like me at all.

Most of all I don’t want to offend anyone or imply that being gay is the same thing as being trans at all, its obviously not. I know that sexual orientation is not the same as gender identity, but I think when you’re young and confused like I am it’s hard to figure it exactly what you want and who you are. A lifetime of societal pressure and self hatred has really messed me up and I have no self esteem, and although I think I’m good at introspection I still have hard tile understanding what  I’m feeling sometimes.

Best I can do I can guess is outline the evidence in favor of each case, gay man or trans. I can go into more detail but I don’t want this post to be outrageously long.

Evidence in favor of trans.

1) The immense relief I felt when I realized that I’ve always felt like a woman inside. I understand mannerisms, dress, self presentation like makeup, hair, etc, vocal inflection doesn’t determine your sexual orientation or gender identity but if I’m being myself naturally (which I don’t have much practice at) I’m very feminine in all of these categories.  2) Intense self hatred being about. Everyday day I live in misery. I don’t like being a guy, I don’t like being perceived as a guy, I don’t like having to act as a guy. 3) Horrible dissociation all my life because reality is too unbearable. 4) As a kid I was very stereo typically feminine, wore mom’s dresses, used makeup, etc 5) I don’t want to to live life as a gay man, bottom line.

Evidence in favor of gay man

1) internalized homophobia that has prevented me for a long time accepting I was anything but straight, even though I’ve always been attracted to men. Maybe I just hate the idea of being gay and people knowing that I’m gay by being in a romantic relationship with another man, and that I want to transition so I can outwardly look “straight” and conform to society’s expectations.  though this seems pretty convoluted. 2) Periods where I was comfortable acting, hence the acting, as a guy 3) Periods as a kid where I saw myself growing up to a guy, an old man, etc, but the person I saw never felt like me, more like a different person that I would magically transform into.

Honestly, even reading this back I’m more sure of being trans. I’m not sure what I’m asking for but does anyone on this forum understand these feelings or has been in a similar situation? I’m sure I’m not a special unique case but sometimes I feel so lonely and isolated I can’t imagine anyone going through what I’m going through. But I’m glad spaces like this exist to hopefully help people like me process everything we’re going through. Thank you.
« Last Edit: June 22, 2020, 04:49:09 am by Rakel »

Online Northern Star Girl

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@lookingforhappiness
Dear Lookingforhappiness
    Please know that I am not trying to hijack your post but first I wish to Officially Welcome YOU to Susan's Place.
    I am happy to see that you have signed up as a member of Susan's Place and have submitted your first several postings. 

    As you post here on the forums you will be able to exchange thoughts and comments with others that are experiencing many of the same things that you are.
 
    This is the right place for you to be to find out what others may have to say.
 
    I want to warmly WELCOME you to Susan's Place
You will find this a safe and friendly place to share with others and to read about others similar trials, tribulations, and successes.

    As you are certainly aware you can share with others and involve yourself with some give and take with other like-minded members.  When frustrated or if you have successes you can share it here if you wish and receive support from others and offer support to others. ....
     ***There is a very good chance that you might find that you will make some new like-minded friends here. 

    Please come in and continue to be involved at your own pace.   Other members will be along shortly to give you their thoughts about your questions and concerns that you mentioned in your very first posting.
   
    There is information and important LINKS that I have included below.   You will find information about the site that will help you navigate around and best utilize the features here.   
Please look closely at the LINKS in RED, answers are there to many questions that new members ask....

Again, Welcome to Susan's Place.
Danielle


Here are some links to the site rules and stuff that all new members should be familiar with:
 
Things that you should read
***SEE MY LINKS BELOW
The Ramblings of a Northern*Star Girl
A New Chapter: ALASKAN DANIELLE's Chronicles
I am the HUNTED PREY: Danielle’s Chronicles
Things change re: ALASKAN DANIELLE
Positive Mindset... put away negativity

Started HRT:   March 2015
Went Full-Time    December 2016
Quit my male-mode job and relocated to a very small town in Alaska in January 2017
I'm a blonde, blue eyed woman, Age 40

Online Northern Star Girl

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@lookingforhappiness
Dear Lookingforhappiness:

OH, and another thing....
If you feel so inclined please feel free to stop by the Introductions Forum to tell more members about yourself!
 
With more exposure to more members here you will be able to get more responses to your questions and concerns.

Wishing your well as you continue to be involved in the forums.

NOTE: Now, after all of this Greeting and Welcoming stuff, I will give you and other readers the thread back so that the conversation can continue

Again, Welcome to Susan's Place.
Danielle
***SEE MY LINKS BELOW
The Ramblings of a Northern*Star Girl
A New Chapter: ALASKAN DANIELLE's Chronicles
I am the HUNTED PREY: Danielle’s Chronicles
Things change re: ALASKAN DANIELLE
Positive Mindset... put away negativity

Started HRT:   March 2015
Went Full-Time    December 2016
Quit my male-mode job and relocated to a very small town in Alaska in January 2017
I'm a blonde, blue eyed woman, Age 40

Offline TanandaTheTrollop

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It is strange for us, in a way that a lot of trans people don’t understand. Always knowing that you are attracted to men, and growing up in a homophobic environment it is hard to tell what we are. The inner searching is exhausting. I have been there. Not that I could handle it, not that I could move on with my life but I have been there. I had no life, no relationships, nothing. Everyone closest to me knew, certainly my family all knew but I couldn’t accept it.

This has to come from you. Not an answer, I know, but it has to. When I finally decided to pursue transition I had to know so I decided to find out. Can I be with a guy as a guy? The answer was; yes, it was so much better than being with a girl but still not right, I didn’t want to do it again. So I had to wonder if I was asexual? Not even close but did it make sense to transition when I could have a relationship as I was?

So I agonized over it, but in the end I realized it was not about who I was with but who I am. I don’t feel anything, I wish I could say that I felt like a girl but it was never like that. It was obvious to everyone, myself included, that I was not a guy but I can’t ever say I felt like anything. I knew I was feminine but beyond that I had no idea, I could e a feminine guy though and still be gay. I think that what changed it for me was the ache I felt seeing my friends all be themselves, I had always wanted it more than I wanted to continue to breathe in and out, just to be myself like any other girl.

There are many entrances to the path, all valid, for me it was not so much what I wanted to be as it was how I wanted to live. When I am with my friends, I wanted the world to see a group of women and not a gay guy with a group of women. When I am with a guy, I wanted the world to see a guy with his girl. When my body starts to fall apart and I am older than dirt, I want the world to see nothing other than an ancient woman, that still spends her spare time with her girlfriends and has to give her husband the little stiffy pill when she needs a little physical attention. That is the life I want, have always wanted. Kay, would have loved to have had children but gotta say, little late for that, even to adopt.

You have to know who you want to be, know what you want your story to be. Maybe find a therapist that is not pushing one way or another and get it all out, everything inside, just get it out and then see how you feel.

Wish you only happiness,
TtT

Offline Rakel

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Dear looking for happiness,

Gender Identity and Sexuality are two separate, but related things. I am sure we all know this, but I need to mention this to clarify this reply.

For many years, I was attracted to women, but internally, I felt a deep need to be female. I cannot explain my feelings any more than that. Physically, I functioned perfectly male, but internally in my mind, I secretly wished to be some one else. This resulted in years of self doubt and denial.

A series of personal events caused me to transition a few years ago and I could not be happier. Well, almost could not be happier. My only regret is not transitioning in my teen years, when I first gave transition serious thought.

Why I did not transition then is another story and a long one, but my feelings now are that if you have any uncomfortable gender issues, discover what they really are and deal with them as soon as possible. You will be happier in the long run.

Each one of us must decide how we will live the rest of our lives. We do this on a daily basis, whether we are aware of it or not.

Spending a lifetime in self doubt and denial is no fun. I have been there for too much of my life.

Take care.  :-*



Offline zirconia

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I’m not sure what I’m asking for but does anyone on this forum understand these feelings or has been in a similar situation?

I understand. And was.

Offline Ellie_Arroway

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Welcome to the site, @lookingforhappiness!

As you say, gender identity is separate from sexual orientation. It is only related inasmuch as the label that applies to you may change depending on whether or not you are trans.

You have expressed that you are happy presenting as female and not happy presenting as male. On that basis, I'm pretty sure you're trans. Of course you are feeling doubts! I did for some time.

It may help you to conduct some more tests. Do you present in public? How does it make you feel if you do? If you don't, why not try it out as an experiment?

I went through a similar experience in terms of learning about my gender identity. I found that presenting as a woman makes me a lot happier. For me, however, it is not mutually exclusive. I was not terribly unhappy presenting as male, but I am a lot happier presenting as female. I don't know why.

I never identified as gay. I was interested in women before transitioning and I got married and had a child. Right now, I would still say I'm interested in women, so I would now identify as gay, but I'm not sexually active. That, however, is a totally separate matter, and I'm thoroughly unconcerned with it. My understanding is that it's possible that who I like may well change as I go through medical changes.

Hope this helps!
Started seriously questioning: 24 Aug 2019
Referred to GIC: 23 Sep 2019
Full-time female presentation since: 21 Oct 2019, unbroken since 12 Dec 2019
Official name change by deed poll: 11 Nov 2019
HRT: "kind of" started 15 Jul 2020
Most of my story is in the Just another mtf tale thread!
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Offline AllieSF

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Looking,

You have come to the right place to ask your questions.  I strongly recommend that you take some time reading the various stories of many of us here.  You will be able to see how similar your story is and how different.  You will get many answers to your questions already asked and to be asked in the future.

Welcome to the site and enjoy, not only being here, but where you are in life and where you may be headed.  The trip should be as good if not better than the destination.

Allie
HRT - February 2017
Full Time - July 2018
Orchi - January 2018
BA - September 25, 2019
FFS - January 10, 2020
GRS - TBDDD (To Be Determined, Decision and Date)

Offline Oldandcreaky

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Naturally moving like a woman is a strong indicator you have a woman's brain, since the brain moves the body.

Offline Lyric

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It sounds to me like you're doing an awful lot of internal pondering-- which we all have done-- but you won't know for certain who you are until you externalize a few things. Do things rather than think about them. Then you'll probably start to understand yourself better. Also, you would greatly benefit from channeling your thoughts less from what you don't like and more toward what you do. The things and people we love are really all that matter in the world. Explore your passions, not your dark corners.
"Your time is limited, so don’t waste it living someone else’s life." - Steve Jobs

Offline Sophiaprincess2019

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Welcome to SP! After reading your initial post and responses, I have this for you to consider:

Take gender identity and separate that state of mind from your individual sexual attraction for a minute; think about your life as it pertains to either being man or woman, nothing else for the time being. Think/ponder the way you honestly feel about living as the opposite gender: everything from presentation to your role  in society. Does that frame of mind bring you relief? happiness, both? ...and do you think it will bring you a lifetime of being satisfied with your decision? Remember a lifetime is a LONG time!

This is probably the most important aspect of this exercise:  If you have A N Y doubts, stop and do nothing until you are 1000000000 % sure. The road of transition is difficult but doable. Your life will change in ways you never thought possible. You will lose things and gain others. People will stick by your side and some will run for the hills. The unfortunate aspect of that is you have no idea who that will or won't be. Sometimes the people you THOUGHT were going to be there for you through thick and thin wind up being the ones who never speak with you again, it's a risk we have all undertaken.

I can't tell you how long you need to be sure before embarking on the "journey" of transition but you need to be absolute sure with no doubts. It's best to begin with a gender therapist so you can sort out your feelings and identify  whether or not this is your path.

Best of luck with whatever you decide, we will be here for you either way!

Sophia
1968 Assigned male at birth with feminine mannerisms
1978 Dolls and dresses
1988 Experimental stage, limited makeup and clothes
1998 Denial continues, unsuccessfully tried living as a man
12-8-2018 Knew I was a woman, time for a change....
2-22-2019 Started HRT
8-9-2019 Legal Name Change
8-14-2019 New Drivers License issued with correct gender
9-5-2019 Social Security card updated
10-12-2019 Birth certificate updated
2-22-2020 One year HRT

Offline Ely-chan

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hi!!
We're in the same boat, you're not alone
you came to the right place, there are a lot of people here could tell you their story life.

Some aclaration: sexual identity, sexual orientation, and affective preference are different things. 

So my story its a strange situation but i hope that help you, I'm living like a straight man but it's more like a theather  for some work request. I was seeing a terapist (i visisted a pair of them the last 3 years, but my actually ones is good), the last sesion was in november after that my country starts a cuarenty. We talked about my disforia and ansiety problems, accept my inner feminity and that a external change its only  my desicion. i dont made that desicion yet but i'm more calm and my mind is clear. I'm saving money for a future change or if i dont consider... it's only money and is usefull for other stuffs.

My expirence with males is limited, a dated some of them in grinder or gay-bars. They have their preference and sub cultures. I like bearded and muscular men, a macho type and its only my prefernece. A lot of them like men and they never have  considered  be with a woman (cis or trans). starting a relationship, there are many men who run away after hearing that you have dysphoria (self expirience) and It's fine it's their preference. Althougth there are bi or heterosexual men that dont care about if you are cis or trans. none that I have dated, but they are there somewhere.

I suggest visit a therapist, a good ones. problably they could orientate you for find an answer. have a piggy bank or something like that, And consider all your options.

Offline KathyLauren

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Evidence in favor of trans.

1) The immense relief I felt when I realized that I’ve always felt like a woman inside. I understand mannerisms, dress, self presentation like makeup, hair, etc, vocal inflection doesn’t determine your sexual orientation or gender identity but if I’m being myself naturally (which I don’t have much practice at) I’m very feminine in all of these categories.  2) Intense self hatred being about. Everyday day I live in misery. I don’t like being a guy, I don’t like being perceived as a guy, I don’t like having to act as a guy. 3) Horrible dissociation all my life because reality is too unbearable. 4) As a kid I was very stereo typically feminine, wore mom’s dresses, used makeup, etc 5) I don’t want to to live life as a gay man, bottom line.

Evidence in favor of gay man

1) internalized homophobia that has prevented me for a long time accepting I was anything but straight, even though I’ve always been attracted to men. Maybe I just hate the idea of being gay and people knowing that I’m gay by being in a romantic relationship with another man, and that I want to transition so I can outwardly look “straight” and conform to society’s expectations.  though this seems pretty convoluted. 2) Periods where I was comfortable acting, hence the acting, as a guy 3) Periods as a kid where I saw myself growing up to a guy, an old man, etc, but the person I saw never felt like me, more like a different person that I would magically transform into.

The factors you list in favour of being trans are all things that I felt.  More to the point, they are things you feel about yourself and who you are.

The factors you list against being trans are mostly to do with whom you want to be with.  There is nothing there that argues against being trans.

If I had to guess, I would guess that you are a straight trans woman.  You owe it to yourself to explore this more with the help of a gender therapist.  Getting feedback from a professional is very helpful for clarifying your thoughts.

I lived most of my life in denial.  My confusion was a little different from yours in that I appeared straight as a guy.  It turns out that I am a trans lesbian.  I had similar self-doubts, though.  The comfort of familiarity is confusing.  I was used to living as a guy, and I was good at it.  It is easy to confuse that with acceptance, and to dismiss the fact that I hated it. 

What made me realize that something had to change was my inability to stop cross-dressing.  I had a stash of clothes that I hid from my wife.  The secrecy and the increasing risk of getting caught eventually told me that something had to change.  Even then, it took an external event - seeing a trans woman living her life openly and successfully in public - to start changing my life.
2015-07-04 Awakening; 2015-11-15 Out to self; 2016-06-22 Out to wife; 2016-10-27 First time presenting in public; 2017-01-20 Started HRT!!; 2017-04-20 Out publicly, beginning full-time; 2017-07-10 Legal name change; 2019-02-15 Approval for GRS; 2019-08-02 Official gender change; 2019-10-18 Phone consultation for GRS; 2020-03-11 GRS!




Offline pamelatransuk

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Hello  Lookingforhappiness and welcome to this wonderful website.

I think you should see a gender therapist as you have some doubts as to which group you belong to.

However I am inclined to believe you are trans as your description in favour of trans is typical and coincides with many of our experiences as transwomen. Even your description in favour of gay man refers to acting as a man which again many of us did under societal  pressure and found frustrating.

Wishing  you success as you explore  further.

Hugs

Pamela xx






Offline Aurorasky

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Hi, looking for happiness!

we are the same age. And I think in many ways our experience may overlap. I hope I can help a little by sharing, or at least bring more clarity to your life.

Don't you think labels can be a terrible, TERRIBLE thing? Most often, they are very limiting and only add chains that can be hard to break free from. I think right now you're a bit stuck with the "gay label", because growing up that's what you thought you should be, as there seemed to be no other options available to you. But really, your experience of dysphoria is very line with what the "clássical narrative" is like.

Yes, there's no shame in being gay! Not at all. But there's also no shame in being a woman, trans or whatever. It is a two way street. Those who accuse of transitioning, because we have "internalized homophobia", don't see that it may actually be the fact we are targeted as children and teenagers that prevents many of us from transitioning.

You said you don't imagine what your life would be like as man. How you would age as man. That it felt like a different person. I felt the same way! Even the thought of it made me nauseous. I couldn't picture myself as that years from down the line and that's how I knew I had to transition. Yes, I was also stereotypically feminine growing up and my family was very unaccepting at first. But miraculously they all came around and are on my side.

I hope the cards are stacked in your favor. If you need anything, feel free to PM.

Listen to your gut feeling. It won't lie to you.


Aurora Beatriz da Fonseca

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