Author Topic: Coming out to conservative parents via letter soon  (Read 312 times)

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Offline MxRileyQuinn

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Coming out to conservative parents via letter soon
« on: July 03, 2020, 02:39:19 pm »
I am out to my close friends and my chosen family (aka my Leather family).  I am also out with those I work with on the ranch where I live as well as the other carriage drivers I occasionally work with when I'm doing that.  It's pretty great for the most part.  I have even come out to my sister and one of my brothers, and shortly will be telling the other two (I'm confident they'll respond well).  I am not, however, out to my parents yet.

I plan to come out to them with a (rather long) letter that explains everything with carefully chosen words.  I think it will give them a chance to hear what I need to say without me getting interrupted or strong emotions getting involved.  It will give them a chance to re-read the letter as they come to terms with what I am about to share with them, and I hope that this helps. 

Given that they are quite conservative and very religious (Baptist), and given that when my brother came out as gay and they nearly disowned him, I have a lot of reservations and fear regarding coming out to them.  The only reason they did not disown my brother is because they think if they pray hard enough he'll change and "come back to them" and "be the good Christian boy we know he is inside".  They have made my brother's partner rather unwelcome in their home, and they tend to keep my brother at an arms length as well.  In all honesty, this would be easier if I just thought they'd disown me.  It would hurt, but then it would be over.

My true fear, and probably a rather realistic one, is that my parents are going to respond in similar fashion as they have with my brother.  While this means I won't lose them it also means I will potentially be looking at a long, drawn out future of them trying to convince me I've made the wrong decision and that I "just need more Jesus in my life".  I'm afraid I'm going to end up being subjected to transphobia, complete disapproval, and an overall lack of support from them.  The only reason I'm trying to come out to them and hoping they don't react this way is because I really would like them to continue being a part of my life in the future as they have been in my past...just with me being able to be who I really am around them.  Despite our differences, I do love my parents very much.

NOTE: I am not bashing on Christianity in my post here, and I hope it doesn't come across that way.  I just don't agree with my parents on religious topics and so their typical responses (as seen with my brother) are the last thing I feel I want or need.
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Offline Oldandcreaky

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Re: Coming out to conservative parents via letter soon
« Reply #1 on: July 03, 2020, 02:49:21 pm »
I suggest citing science, how the brains of trans-people have the structure of their declared gender. Also make some space for their suffering, for they will consider this to be the loss of a son long before they ever see the addition of a daughter, if they ever reach that point.

Offline Devlyn

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Re: Coming out to conservative parents via letter soon
« Reply #2 on: July 03, 2020, 02:50:13 pm »
I'm a firm believer that "I'm transgender" is all the coming out letter anyone needs. The avalanche of questions will come from that. I think people cope better when they think they're learning on their own, rather than being told. But only you know what's best in your particular situation.

Good luck with the family.  :)

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Offline Gertrude

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Re: Coming out to conservative parents via letter soon
« Reply #3 on: July 03, 2020, 03:09:35 pm »
If you live on your own and are self-sufficient, then it will hurt if things go bad, but you'll be ok. If you are dependent in any way, it'll be tougher. Have you talked to your gay brother? What has he said? How did your sister take it?

Offline MxRileyQuinn

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Re: Coming out to conservative parents via letter soon
« Reply #4 on: July 04, 2020, 11:02:43 am »
I am independent of my parents and have been since I enlisted at 19, so yes, if things go poorly at least I'm not depending on them for my survival.  My concern is that I have lived in such emotional pain suppressing who I am all these years and now I'm faced with the very likely possibility (based on their reaction to my brother) that I will be facing more emotional pain whether they disown me or not.

I have not yet talked with my brother.  We've never been good at communicating, I think largely because we were both dealing with internal struggles that resulted in our fear, anger, frustration, etc to be turned towards each other.  As adults we're certainly mending that, and I am certain that he will be understanding and accepting of me...but I feel like it would just be weird and awkward to just send him a text saying "Hey, I'm trans" or something along those lines.  Perhaps I worry too much.

My sister, and my second-to-youngest brother both know and were both accepting and supportive.  Their reactions have given me some hope, but I still feel so much fear in regards to coming out to my family.
"Hail Caffeina, goddess of the morning!"

"Riding a horse is not a gentle hobby, to be picked up and laid down like a game of Solitaire. It is a grand passion." – Ralph Waldo Emerson