Author Topic: Torn between two ends, just want opinions  (Read 334 times)

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Offline Gracylicious

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Torn between two ends, just want opinions
« on: July 06, 2020, 02:07:28 pm »
Hi. I'm 35 now.  Starting from the age of 8, I think I've had this conflict within myself.  At 8, i secretly wore my elder sister's platform and pencil high heels.  I watched a movie where the teen girl made me intrigued.  I really liked the type of panties she was wearing and how she looked with a shower towel wrapped around her body.  I remember trying to make my boy underware like hers and feeling excited.  So, as a girl, I just want to be sexy, sexually expressive, sassy, a bit manipulative, lazy, like a cat and love dancing, makeups , hair styling and any art forms.  I use sex to understand my man's values, or use sex as a get-away when certain behaviours trigger dislike in me from my parents' or relatives' or friends' end.  As a man I'm passive.  All my sexual kinks or fantasies, or in sex, I'm passive and behave just like a girl, I play girls' apps and those fantasies turn me on.
I've recently had a astrological chart done for myself and it has shed some light on my life-long internal conflict. It says the sexual part of my is my downfall.  I have some other purpose in life.  So it means I can be around things what women are generally around - domestic affairs, housework, cleaning, cleaning, washing, children's care, human services, etc.  But that I need to have my own set of values instead of trying to resort back into my comfort zone, and try to have a figure like a girl with a bigger hip and bum and a slimmer waist, for example. 

I don't like politics, being strong, confrontational.  I like to depend on a strong man around whose neck I can wrap my arms around. 

I understand the logic of the astrological chart, we should think about giving to people instead of seeking of sexual partners for a one-night stand to get rid of bad feelings.  But I can or could give more value to mankind being just a girl who loves to do yoga, pilates, dance, owns a dance studio, writes, and does fashion design? Perhaps that would bring less money than a guy would, at home?

Offline Sephirah

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Re: Torn between two ends, just want opinions
« Reply #1 on: July 06, 2020, 02:21:39 pm »
My opinion, sweetie, is that you should talk to a professional trained in gender issues. About what you've said here and the way you feel.

Outside of that, though, I just have one question for you if I may. Take sex out of it. Completely. Take everything physical out of the equation for a second. Then let me ask you... how do you feel about yourself? How do you see yourself? As a person?

Offline Rachel

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Re: Torn between two ends, just want opinions
« Reply #2 on: July 06, 2020, 05:45:57 pm »
I agree with Sephirah about seeing a gender therapist.

So do you want to transition? If so to what degree, clothing, hormones, GCS?

A lot of people are gender non-conforming, less are a gender opposite their genitals. Few do something to correct the mismatch.

Sexuality is not gender. So when you close your eyes who are you? Can you live your life happily not transitioning?

In the end it is your opinions that matter.

Rachel

Offline Rakel

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Re: Torn between two ends, just want opinions
« Reply #3 on: July 06, 2020, 08:14:16 pm »
Dear Graceful_Girl,

Many of us here feel the same as you, although some of us may have variations on how we see ourselves.

While we can offer support and we can tell you our experiences, only a trained counselor can help you with a  definite path to self acceptance and help you formulate a plan on how you wish to live the rest of your life.


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But I can or could give more value to mankind being just a girl who loves to do yoga, Pilates, dance, owns a dance studio, writes, and does fashion design?

Yes, of course you can, if that is what you want to do.

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Perhaps that would bring less money than a guy would, at home?

Many of us do report a loss of income, but those who are self employed or are in a job where gender is not an issue, seem to have an easier time with the finances. Don't forget the financial costs of transitioning are quite high, even with some health insurance now covering some procedures.



Offline Gracylicious

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Re: Torn between two ends, just want opinions
« Reply #4 on: July 07, 2020, 03:18:56 pm »


Hi Sephirah,  I have seen 2 counselors with 2 different types of backgrounds (1 religious and 1 modern/mainstream) and they gave different opinions in the first meeting.  However I'll continue meeting up with 'em and see the end of this struggle.  About feeling, I feel content and happy because I've had a childhood with adventures to remember and I've had fun. On the other hand I also feel guilt, fell short of dad's and mom's expectations quite a few times.  Pity, sometimes I've found myself in troubled waters and got hurt.  Exasperated, used - kids who grew up not knowing they're fostered would feel like this if they expected a family with plans about the future or accountability about things like the family budget.  Sad about wasted time, many times I tried to build things up from scratch without enough resources with a naive understanding of people and the ground beneath my own feet.  They said you're not a kid anymore, do it yourself.  Actually they knew and there was none to give that feeling of a foundation.  I was expected to perform like Kratos, Zeus's unrecognised son, but would naturally gravitate towards the sea, the swan, nature, the bird, and dreaming.

See myself as a person who doesn't speak much and has developed other talents to get what is wanted.  Too much giving , a cause of getting taken advantage of by others. 

Hi Rakel, thanks for insight about finances, I didn't know it.

Hi Rachel, yes, I need to learn to build my own boundaries and values.

Thanks everyone for your two cents, I just needed these questions to put things into perspective!

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