Author Topic: I still feel male, is this normal?  (Read 1424 times)

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Offline Dayle1957

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Re: I still feel male, is this normal?
« Reply #20 on: August 01, 2020, 12:33:10 pm »
Hi Nadine,

I had a similar conversation with my gender therapist.  I told her I felt weird because I still liked a lot of "boy" stuff, sports, backpacking, cars etc.  I told her I felt like kind of a Tom-Boy.  She reminded me that even a lot of very butch women identified as women none the less.    That made perfect sense to me.

So, I have embraced being a Tom-Boy and incorporate that into my day to day style.

I am still craving to go out totally dolled-up and super feminine...  maybe I will look at cute cocktail dresses on my phone while I watch the baseball game tonight!

Dayle

Offline Fabulous

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Re: I still feel male, is this normal?
« Reply #21 on: August 13, 2020, 06:17:58 pm »
Hi all,

I very much know how you feel. When coming out I’d often tell friends and family that transition meant I’d be presenting differently, but I was the same  person inside. Me being me I didn’t listen to my own words. I felt that presenting as true self would make me somehow make me different. Over time I have come to realise transition has meant that I’m able to express my true self, and be seen and treated by the world as such, and this has made me so much happier. But I’m still me, and if parts of that are masculine or feminine, well just me, and I have to learn to except it

Offline Rachel

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Re: I still feel male, is this normal?
« Reply #22 on: August 13, 2020, 07:03:02 pm »
I had GCS 4 years ago and started transition 7 years ago.

It was something I noticed one day years ago. I was just me. I could express myself and look and be me.
MTF in need of help link https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,133631.1980.html
MTF in need of help 2 link https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,251825.0.html
HRT  5-28-2013
FT   11-13-2015
FFS   9-16-2016 -Spiegel
GCS 11-15-2016 - McGinn
Hair Grafts 3-20-2017 - Cooley
Voice therapy start 3-2017 - Reene Blaker
Labiaplasty 5-15-2017 - McGinn
BA 7-12-2017 - McGinn
Hair grafts 9-25-2017 Dr.Cooley
Sataloff Cricothyroid subluxation and trachea shave12-11-2017
Dr. McGinn labiaplasty, hood repair, scar removal, graph repair and bottom of  vagina finished. urethra repositioned. 4-4-2018
Dr. Sataloff Glottoplasty 5-14-2018
Dr. McGinn vaginal in office procedure 10-22-2018
Dr. McGinn vaginal revision 2 4-3-2019 Bottom of vagina closed off, fat injected into the labia and urethra repositioned.
Dr. Thomas FemLar scheduled 9/2020

Offline DebbieB

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Re: I still feel male, is this normal?
« Reply #23 on: August 14, 2020, 10:10:09 pm »
Consider this point of view.  You were always you, and before transition, you dressed like a boy and you looked like a boy, but you knew you were different.  You may not have known with conviction that you were a girl, but you knew you were not like the other boys.

Meanwhile, you developed interests that the REAL YOU enjoyed, things that you could do as either a boy or a girl, but when you first started doing that you were still seen as a boy.

Then you realized that you were a girl, decided that you needed to transition, and you needed to start living authentically as a girl.  At first, so much of it was so new to you, and some of it was really thrilling and exciting.  There was an adrenaline rush during those early days, and those little victories made you feel excited and proud of the growth and the ground you had taken.

You still liked some of the things that the real you had always liked doing.  Being on your computer, driving a car, watching programs on TV, and so on.  But when you did these things, you were just being the you you had always been, but now you wore different clothes and had different hair.

You also had friends that you had from before, and you still knew the same old jokes, the same secret handshakes, the same special ways of relating to each other.  Again, the real you liked them as friends, and after the transition, the real you still liked them.

When you do the things you enjoyed before transition, you are so focused on the pleasure of just being in the moment and enjoying the experience that you don't thing about the special things you have to do to "pass".

I still notice that my voice drops lower when I get into "techie mode" and start talking shop at work.  Even after HRT I had nightmares of being sent to a mens prison and reliving some of the horrible experiences I endured as a boy in elementary school and junior high.  They didn't go away until I had the orchiectomy.

There are also days when things just get "ordinary".  Putting on a pair of leggings, a bra and a blouse doesn't have the thrill it once had, because I'm just getting dressed in the clothes that I wear.  Going to a store isn't a big worry because I know that I'm just going to appear to be an older woman to anyone I interact with.

I found that I had to work on my voice all the time, and practiced singing either high tenor parts or mezzo soprano parts along with the radio, then use that higher voice when speaking, often reading aloud to get as much practice as possible.  Eventually, I got to the point where even on the phone, people hear a woman on the phone.  I sometimes have trouble with drive-thru order windows because I have to yell to be heard.

The boy you wore as a child was a disguise, a costume and a mask that you wore to hide your real self, to protect her, to keep her safe, to keep you safe.  How well you wore that disguise may be a factor, but I'm guessing it was never a terribly comfortable mask.  I call it the "Iron Mask", on the outside is a happy smiling face, and on the inside, there are jagged edges ripping into your face every minute you wear it.

When you transitioned, you took the mask off, but there are times when you still feel the pain of the jagged edges.

If you have a therapist who understands gender issues, work with him or her to distinguish when you are just feeling normal as in "ho hum, nothing exciting happening" and when you are experiencing actual dysphoria because you feel like you are slipping back into the mask with the jagged edges.
Debbie Ballard - IT Architect
1st Transition 1988 to 1997 - detransitioned
2nd Transition 2010
HRT since 2011
Full Time since 2012

Online Northern Star Girl

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Re: I still feel male, is this normal?
« Reply #24 on: August 14, 2020, 10:21:23 pm »
@DebbieB
Dear Debbie
    Please know that I am not trying to hijack your post but first I wish to Officially Welcome YOU to Susan's Place.
    I am happy to see that you have signed up as a member of Susan's Place and have submitted your first several postings. 

    As you post here on the forums you will be able to exchange thoughts and comments with others that are experiencing many of the same things that you are.
 
    This is the right place for you to be to find out what others may have to say.
 
    I want to warmly WELCOME you to Susan's Place
You will find this a safe and friendly place to share with others and to read about others similar trials, tribulations, and successes.

    As you are certainly aware you can share with others and involve yourself with some give and take with other like-minded members.  When frustrated or if you have successes you can share it here if you wish and receive support from others and offer support to others. ....
     ***There is a very good chance that you might find that you will make some new like-minded friends here. 

    Please come in and continue to be involved at your own pace.   Other members will be along shortly to give you their thoughts about your questions and concerns that you mentioned in your very first posting.
   
    There is information and important LINKS that I have included below.   You will find information about the site that will help you navigate around and best utilize the features here.   
Please look closely at the LINKS in RED, answers are there to many questions that new members ask....

Again, Welcome to Susan's Place.
Danielle


Here are some links to the site rules and stuff that all new members should be familiar with:
 
Things that you should read
***SEE MY LINKS BELOW
The Ramblings of a Northern*Star Girl
A New Chapter: ALASKAN DANIELLE's Chronicles
I am the HUNTED PREY: Danielle’s Chronicles
Things change re: ALASKAN DANIELLE
Positive Mindset... put away negativity

Started HRT:   March 2015
Went Full-Time    December 2016
Quit my male-mode job and relocated to a very small town in Alaska in January 2017
I'm a blonde, blue eyed woman, Age 40

Online Northern Star Girl

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Re: I still feel male, is this normal?
« Reply #25 on: August 14, 2020, 10:23:14 pm »
@DebbieB
Dear Debbie:

OH, and another thing....
If you feel so inclined please feel free to stop by the Introductions Forum to tell more members about yourself!
 
With more exposure to more members here you will be able to get more responses to your questions and concerns.

Wishing your well as you continue to be involved in the forums.

NOTE: Now, after all of this Greeting and Welcoming stuff, I will give you and other readers the thread back so that the conversation can continue

Again, Welcome to Susan's Place.
Danielle
***SEE MY LINKS BELOW
The Ramblings of a Northern*Star Girl
A New Chapter: ALASKAN DANIELLE's Chronicles
I am the HUNTED PREY: Danielle’s Chronicles
Things change re: ALASKAN DANIELLE
Positive Mindset... put away negativity

Started HRT:   March 2015
Went Full-Time    December 2016
Quit my male-mode job and relocated to a very small town in Alaska in January 2017
I'm a blonde, blue eyed woman, Age 40

Offline Ellie_Arroway

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Re: I still feel male, is this normal?
« Reply #26 on: August 15, 2020, 03:12:29 am »
@DebbieB

Hello and welcome to the site!

I see our lovely @Northern Star Girl Danielle has given you her wonderful official welcome.

I thought your explanation of what feels "normal" was right on point, and an excellent first post. I have awarded you another reputation point for it.

I hope you find the site useful!

Ellie
Started seriously questioning: 24 Aug 2019
Referred to GIC: 23 Sep 2019
Full-time female presentation since: 21 Oct 2019, unbroken since 12 Dec 2019
Official name change by deed poll: 11 Nov 2019
HRT: "kind of" started 15 Jul 2020
Most of my story is in the Just another mtf tale thread!
Twitch streamer MusicEllie

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