Author Topic: Should I Stay or Should I Go  (Read 543 times)

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Offline Laura1951

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Should I Stay or Should I Go
« on: July 07, 2020, 11:28:18 am »
This post is about the decision to pick up roots to move to a new city to begin full-time life.

I came out to myself and my therapist four years ago this month and now that I’ve finally surpassed nine continuous months of HRT, I’m beginning to wonder, what’s next?

Like many of you, I’ve lived this transition in the closet, dressing solely inside and rarely going out as Laura. While a few friends know of her, none have met her. They’ve only interacted with <dead name>. Yet, they are supportive which provides some comfort.

The city I live in, where I arrived 44 years ago, is about an hour and change from the SF Bay Area. I’ve only known life in Northern California, although I have traveled far and wide. And yet, now that I’m transitioning, I wonder if, when and how I’ll progress to 24/7 life as Laura. I established roots here, belong to a local tennis club where I play frequently, and my plane is hangered here. I live in a wonderful neighborhood with multiple young families and plenty of children I love to see playing in a street where few cars travel.

They all know me as <dead name> and I lack the confidence to come out to my neighbors and club members. My close female friend, who also plays tennis with me, is scared what would happen if I became Laura at the club. She knows the other women there and is certain my transition wouldn't go over well with them. I yearn to be Laura in real life, but it doesn’t feel like 24/7 life is possible here.

One of the hurdles I’ve set for myself is passing. I don’t have the confidence to be Laura outside if there’s a chance of being “clocked” and I’m certain other Susan’s members are in the same boat. While I do admire those of you who throw caution to the wind, not caring whether people stare at you, that’s not me. My preference is to find a way to be passable, change my name, and then go 24/7.

I look at my face and always see <dead name>, although many of you have been quite kind about my appearance. I don’t need to be beautiful as Laura. I only want to blend in with other women and be accepted by women as “one of them.” Still, I’ll have no idea what effect my FFS will have on my ability to pass until a few months after surgery when the swelling will have subsided. Given that my June 16th FFS has been postponed indefinitely, it could be another year before I know the results, and that is driving me a bit crazy. It’s becoming depressing.

And so, my thoughts have gravitated to thinking about picking up stakes and moving to someplace new and accepting in order to be Laura full time, as some of you have already done. I have the means to do so, but the prospect is a bit scary; selling my houses and my partnership in the plane, discarding many of my possessions, and leaving friends and a familiar place behind.   

So, I’m hoping those of you who have made this journey are still reading this post, because I have a few questions for you. I’m assuming that you went full time either just before or upon arrival at your new city.

1. What motivated you to pick up and move to a new city?
2. Were you passable when you arrived there or did you encounter difficult situations when you were clocked?
3. How did you decide where to move? What qualities did you look for in a new location?
4. Are you happy about your decision to leave your old home and <dead name> behind in order to finally be yourself full time?

Thank you for all who made it to the end and I hope to hear from you. As for Alaskan Danielle, I think I could write your responses for you. LOL.

Laura
One New Life to Live (My personal blog)

Laura's HRT Journal     |     Laura's FFS Journey.   |  Stay or Go



Offline Jessica_Rose

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Re: Should I Stay or Should I Go
« Reply #1 on: July 07, 2020, 12:32:03 pm »
Prepare for the worst, yet hope for the best. It sounds like going full time is still at least several months away. Have plans for where you would like to relocate, but consider coming out as Laura where you are now. You may be surprised at the level of acceptance you experience. If you are accepted where you are, then there may be no reason to relocate. If your transition causes too much drama, then consider moving after FFS is complete. This way your new neighbors will only have ever seen your 'new' face, and there may be fewer questions about your past.

As far as figuring out where to relocate, look for states with LGBTQ+ friendly laws. There are several sites which list places that are deemed to be more friendly towards our community.

Although I was frightened by the prospect of transitioning in place, it worked out much better than I expected. I have the same job, the same family, the same neighbors, and the same friends. You may get occasional reminders of your dead name, but those slowly diminish as time passes. It may take a few years for things to settle down again, but for me it was worth it.

Love always -- Jessica Rose
Journal thread - Jessica's Rose Garden
National Coming Out Day video - Coming Out - Jessica Rose
GCS Thread - GCS and BA with Dr. Ley on 21 Feb 2019 - Jessica_Rose
GCS II and FFS Thread - GCS II and FFS with Dr. Ley on 26 July 2019 - Jessica_Rose
23Mar2017 Started Estradiol / 16Feb2018 Full Time! / 21Feb2019 GCS Dr. Ley / 26July2019 GCS II & FFS Dr. Ley

Don't let others tell you who you are. Be yourself, the world will adjust. -- Jessica Rose

Offline Oldandcreaky

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Re: Should I Stay or Should I Go
« Reply #2 on: July 07, 2020, 12:39:19 pm »
Laura, I think you're going to be fine once you have FFS. I also think moving is best, but I think my opinion will be in the minority. Like you, I simply wanted to be one of the girls. I'm not pretty, but I pass, even though I'm 5'11.5". When I transitioned nearly 35 years ago, I was a teacher and teachers weren't permitted to continue teaching, so I was forced to mosey and apply for a new teaching job down the road. My past caught up with me because I'd only moved a couple counties away, but by that point, I was beloved and largely protected.

However, when people know about your past, they never forget it, even if they never knew you in your old role. Plus, they're knowing means they'll always have power over you that you won't have over them, establishing an eternal power inequity.

As regards your questions:

1. What motivated you to pick up and move to a new city?

I had to do so to continue my profession. I wish I'd told no one before leaving, but I naively trusted and was betrayed.

2. Were you passable when you arrived there or did you encounter difficult situations when you were clocked?

Yes, I was passable.

3. How did you decide where to move? What qualities did you look for in a new location?

I was on a short tether, moving-wise. I had to stay within range of my wife's job.

4. Are you happy about your decision to leave your old home and <dead name> behind in order to finally be yourself full time?

Absolutely. The people who know nothing about my past are the people who know me best and the people who make the correct assumptions.

Offline Northern Star Girl

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Re: Should I Stay or Should I Go
« Reply #3 on: July 07, 2020, 12:51:45 pm »
This post is about the decision to pick up roots to move to a new city to begin full-time life.

- - - - - -  <snipped>- - - - - -


I’m assuming that you went full time either just before or upon arrival at your new city.

1. What motivated you to pick up and move to a new city?
2. Were you passable when you arrived there or did you encounter difficult situations when you were clocked?
3. How did you decide where to move? What qualities did you look for in a new location?
4. Are you happy about your decision to leave your old home and <dead name> behind in order to finally be yourself full time?

Thank you for all who made it to the end and I hope to hear from you. As for Alaskan Danielle, I think I could write your responses for you. LOL.

Laura

@Laura1951
Dear Laura:
Great questions and questions that only you can eventually answer for own unique situation.

The decision and process is certainly different for everyone... it obviously directly impacts things like your relationships, your employment, your past and present friends and family, and certainly the ability to start afresh with as a new person in a new place where there will be all kinds of new challenges seeking employment, finding new friends...
...and if one is not already in a romantic entanglement or relationship, trying to navigate the mine field of dating, romance, and eventually making it known to those that are important to you (in your new life and in your new city) about your past life and eventually, at the right time, holding back no secrets that can certainly haunt you later if not revealed. 

   click for more:  I am the HUNTED PREY : Danielle’s Chronicles  (Reply #72 on: April 11, 2018)
     https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,236395.msg2123977.html#msg2123977
In my case almost everyone in my small town knows all about me... although initially no one here knew about my "secret past" until I had been here for a little over a year and a chance discovery by my Dental Hygienist helped me to finally come out to my town and reveal my past....  and that has fortunately turned out very good.   I make a point of fitting in, being and acting like a responsible, reliable and respectable woman in my daily life and in my small self-employed business.   I don't go over-the-top with how I dress, how I appear and how I speak and act.   I don't make a point of telling anyone about my past male life, especially to people that do not know me or know of me.
             
    Excerpt from:  A New Chapter: ALASKAN DANIELLE's Chronicles (Reply #661 on: June 14, 2019)
      https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,243696.msg2264912.html#msg2264912
   I have enjoyed virtually unanimous acceptance... I am thinking that was the result of first establishing myself as a contributing, respected and responsible town citizen.   I am friendly and outgoing and usually am the first one to say hello to a stranger and start a conversation.   
I don't shove my transgender status in anyone's face....
...I don't introduce myself as "Hi, I am Danielle and I am a transgender woman."

In many of my previous posts (mostly on my threads) I have always made statements about fitting in, flying under the radar, not standing out....making a point of dressing, appearing, acting and speaking respectfully and not trying to draw attention to the fact that I am a trans-woman.  I have a financial planning and tax business and I have to earn respect to be able to build my client base and be successful in my small town business.

There is no way that I could have fit it where I am now and found acceptance here and developed acquaintances, friends, romantic interests, not to mention building up my clientele at my business if I would have dressed, appeared and acted in ways that shout that I am a transgender, especially when I first moved here... that would have not gone well for me.

Dress and act with respect and one will usually achieve respect from others....
...  just my opinion, that is all.


For those that are reading about my story for the very first time it would be good for you to go to my very first thread and my other personal blog/threads starting with my first one:     
   I am the HUNTED PREY: Danielle’s Chronicles  (April 08, 2018  thru  Dec 30, 2018)
   A New Chapter: ALASKAN DANIELLE's Chronicles  (Dec 30, 2018  thru  Dec 03, 2019)
   The Ramblings of a Northern*Star Girl  (Dec 03, 2019 thru  present)

... and finally Dear Laura:  I wish that I had shorter and more concise answers to your questions and concerns but as I mentioned at the beginning of this reply comment to you ... every situation is unique to the individual... and for the transgender individuals, it is a complex and interwoven situation with everything that you have done in your life and everyone that you have known.

Any questions, please feel free to post them here, or on my current thread, or you can write a PM or email to me.
HUGS and HUGS, and wishing you well as you navigate your future.
Danielle
***SEE MY LINKS BELOW
The Ramblings of a Northern*Star Girl
A New Chapter: ALASKAN DANIELLE's Chronicles
I am the HUNTED PREY: Danielle’s Chronicles
Things change re: ALASKAN DANIELLE
Positive Mindset... put away negativity

Started HRT:   March 2015
Went Full-Time    December 2016
Quit my male-mode job and relocated to a very small town in Alaska in January 2017
I'm a blonde, blue eyed woman, Age 40

Offline Laura1951

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Re: Should I Stay or Should I Go
« Reply #4 on: July 07, 2020, 01:14:32 pm »
Prepare for the worst, yet hope for the best. It sounds like going full time is still at least several months away. Have plans for where you would like to relocate, but consider coming out as Laura where you are now. You may be surprised at the level of acceptance you experience. If you are accepted where you are, then there may be no reason to relocate. If your transition causes too much drama, then consider moving after FFS is complete. This way your new neighbors will only have ever seen your 'new' face, and there may be fewer questions about your past.

As far as figuring out where to relocate, look for states with LGBTQ+ friendly laws. There are several sites which list places that are deemed to be more friendly towards our community.

Although I was frightened by the prospect of transitioning in place, it worked out much better than I expected. I have the same job, the same family, the same neighbors, and the same friends. You may get occasional reminders of your dead name, but those slowly diminish as time passes. It may take a few years for things to settle down again, but for me it was worth it.
Thank you for sharing, @Jessica Rose. I'm glad going full time and moving worked out for you. I think you're right that before I move, I'll need to go full time. Given that I'll be leaving people behind, it will be easier to discount their negative opinions about my transition.
And yes, I think the earliest I'd move would be next spring, or somewhere around 3-6 months after my FFS.

As for places, I've not too many hard and fast rules. Alaska is out, as is any place I'd need to shovel snow. LOL. It's fun to visit but waking up to shovel the driveway isn't in my plans. I'd hope to find some place in Northern California, where I can stay on Kaiser, as I know they'll continue to support my HRT and GCS. I've not yet started a list of possible locations, but being LGBT-friendly is at the top of the list.

Laura
One New Life to Live (My personal blog)

Laura's HRT Journal     |     Laura's FFS Journey.   |  Stay or Go



Offline Laura1951

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Re: Should I Stay or Should I Go
« Reply #5 on: July 07, 2020, 01:38:41 pm »
Thank you, @Danielle, for sharing. I know how busy your live is, particularly as the tax deadline nears, so I always appreciate when you read my posts and respond. You’re an inspiration.

When I first joined Susan’s four years ago, you were one of the first women I noticed and and I read your thread from the beginning, where you shared your decision to pick up and move to a small town in Alaska. I was a bit envious then, and now, how easily you passed, allowing you to arrive and not be seen as someone different. When your hygienist clocked you because you didn’t have a female mouth, I think that surprised us all but by then, you were a respected and loved member of the community.

Being retired, I won’t have to worry about finding employment, although I would like to continue playing tennis and flying, Find a location that has an airport within driving range,, where I might find an airplane partnership is certainly high on my list, but being in a community, whether large or small, that accepts me and other LGBT members is equally, if not more, important. Finding romantic partners isn’t part of the equation either. I’m not opposed to it, but finding a place where I can be happy and make new friends is important.

Thank you,

Laura
One New Life to Live (My personal blog)

Laura's HRT Journal     |     Laura's FFS Journey.   |  Stay or Go



Offline Laura1951

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Re: Should I Stay or Should I Go
« Reply #6 on: July 07, 2020, 01:45:05 pm »
Laura, I think you're going to be fine once you have FFS. I also think moving is best, but I think my opinion will be in the minority. Like you, I simply wanted to be one of the girls. I'm not pretty, but I pass, even though I'm 5'11.5". When I transitioned nearly 35 years ago, I was a teacher and teachers weren't permitted to continue teaching, so I was forced to mosey and apply for a new teaching job down the road. My past caught up with me because I'd only moved a couple counties away, but by that point, I was beloved and largely protected.

However, when people know about your past, they never forget it, even if they never knew you in your old role. Plus, they're knowing means they'll always have power over you that you won't have over them, establishing an eternal power inequity.

As regards your questions:

1. What motivated you to pick up and move to a new city?

I had to do so to continue my profession. I wish I'd told no one before leaving, but I naively trusted and was betrayed.

2. Were you passable when you arrived there or did you encounter difficult situations when you were clocked?

Yes, I was passable.

3. How did you decide where to move? What qualities did you look for in a new location?

I was on a short tether, moving-wise. I had to stay within range of my wife's job.

4. Are you happy about your decision to leave your old home and <dead name> behind in order to finally be yourself full time?

Absolutely. The people who know nothing about my past are the people who know me best and the people who make the correct assumptions.
It's nice to meet a fellow educator, @OldAndCreaky. I spent 20 years in the classroom before I moved to the county office of education. Back then, transitioning would have been career ending since the city I taught in was small and relatively conservative. Like you, I would have been forced to move if I wanted to remain in the profession. Every decision has trade offs, so staying <dead name> to further my career advancement paid off in one way, while costing me the opportunity to be Laura 25 years ago.

I do appreciate your answers, which give me something to consider.

Laura
One New Life to Live (My personal blog)

Laura's HRT Journal     |     Laura's FFS Journey.   |  Stay or Go



Offline AllieSF

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Re: Should I Stay or Should I Go
« Reply #7 on: July 07, 2020, 04:42:03 pm »
Hi Laura,

Great advice so far.  I echo the others that suggested coming out first where you are and see what happens.  It truly is hard for us to truly pass.  So, moving someplace else will not help you pass there, it will only let them know you as you are now.  I blend in very well, buy I still have too many little flags that let others know or guess about my past.  I truly do not care, so in my coming out process I lost no one, only had trouble with my 2 adult children and my ex-wife.  Those problems are almost resolved. 

You live in a truly wonderful place to live and be you.  I get up in your area, Novato and Rohnert Park where my Granddaughter lives and studies frequently.  I live in the East Bay.  I just sent you a PM.

Hugs,

Allie
HRT - February 2017
Full Time - July 2018
Orchi - January 2018
BA - September 25, 2019
FFS - January 10, 2020
GRS - TBDDD (To Be Determined, Decision and Date)

Offline Laura1951

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Re: Should I Stay or Should I Go
« Reply #8 on: July 07, 2020, 07:06:53 pm »
Great advice so far.  I echo the others that suggested coming out first where you are and see what happens.  It truly is hard for us to truly pass.  So, moving someplace else will not help you pass there, it will only let them know you as you are now.  I blend in very well, buy I still have too many little flags that let others know or guess about my past.  I truly do not care, so in my coming out process I lost no one, only had trouble with my 2 adult children and my ex-wife.  Those problems are almost resolved. 

You live in a truly wonderful place to live and be you.  I get up in your area, Novato and Rohnert Park where my Granddaughter lives and studies frequently.  I live in the East Bay.  I just sent you a PM.

Hi @Allie Jayne and thanks for both this entry and your PM. I certainly admire your ability to throw caution to the wind and not care about what people think. I wish I was that brave but perhaps, in time, my need to be Laura full time will surpass my fear about not passing. I'll keep that door open.

Yes, lots of good advice so far, and I'm truly appreciative.

Laura
One New Life to Live (My personal blog)

Laura's HRT Journal     |     Laura's FFS Journey.   |  Stay or Go



Offline sarahc

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Re: Should I Stay or Should I Go
« Reply #9 on: July 07, 2020, 08:46:33 pm »
Laura,

There is so much that I can relate to in your bio and your post. I've been transitioning for 18 months now, and I think it's worth telling you a little about my transition so far and give you some food for thought.

I am 47 years old, and I, too, have known that I am transgender since childhood, and I too told no one until almost two years ago when I went to a therapist for the first time in my life. When I walked into the therapist's office, I already knew that I was committed to transitioning. I had been researching transition for 25 years through sites like this and many of its predecessors now long since gone. So I knew what I was getting into.

And I had reluctantly concluded that I was likely going to have to move when I transitioned and start over in a new town. Like you, a lot of people knew me around town. Like you, I dreaded coming out to all the people I know...the church choir I was on, the other trustees of non-profit boards I sat on, my long-time personal friends, family members, everybody. I thought there would be enough haters out there that it would undoubtedly make more sense to just slip away quietly without anybody knowing. I resigned from all the non-profit boards that I sat on and quietly disengaged myself from everyone, preparing for an eventual move.

Except, that's actually not the way it actually turned out. After I withdrew socially, I came out to a few close friends and family initially who I knew would be supportive. And I got them used to seeing the new me.

Once I got comfortable with that, I came out to a few more people, of whom I was less sure whether they would be supportive. But they ended up all being very supportive. And then I came out to a few more people, and a few more. And still pretty much everyone was amazingly supportive.

In the last month or so, I completed my coming out process. It took about a year of therapy and private transition to just get to the point where I felt comfortable trying to come out broadly, and it has taken about six months to get through coming out to everyone that I wanted to. And I can honestly say that things have gone so well that I am very likely to stay living in the same area I grew up in where everybody knows me. One of the non-profit boards I had resigned from even came back to me and said they wanted me to get back involved with the organization because they valued my input so much...that was a pretty special moment in my transition. They knew I was transgender, and they said, We want you. And I assure you that this was a very traditional educational institution! It was a surprise to me how enthusiastically they wanted me back.

So I would say...don't be too sure that things will go badly. Societal attitudes have changed a ton in the last five years. Even older people are not get freaked out by you coming out as much as you might think.

And you do live in Northern California, although if you're an hour from SF you may or you may not be in a very liberal area - I get that. But even if it's a less liberal Northern California area, it is still a heck of a lot better than at least 90% of the country in terms of acceptance.

Finally, I am a big tennis player as well, and I still haven't gotten back into tennis yet. My guess is that you are like me and you are afraid that other women tennis players won't like you playing in women's leagues. Practically speaking, this is nonsense given almost everybody plays NTRP.  And keep in mind that USTA has a very strong trans inclusion policy. But I get the fear of the social blowback. I also understand the potential fear about your tennis club...I'm not sure how exclusive your club is...if it is a tony club, you're right that it could be tough staying in the club. But there are gazillions of tennis playing opportunities in Northern California, including several LGBT focused tennis groups. Don't let tennis alone force you into moving yet.

All of this is to say...give staying put a chance. You obviously have a very long association with people in your community - that is not something to throw away lightly.

I definitely would take a very gradual coming out approach like I did. Start by coming out to 2 or 3 people who you are absolutely sure will support you and become your allies. Get comfortable with having normal conversations with these people while getting comfortable with yourself. This "getting comfortable" process could take months. That's fine...take your time.

Then come out to a few more people. Then come out to a few more people. Take it slow, get more and more comfortable and build your confidence.

I can't guarantee that you will have the success that I have had. I feel really blessed with my experience...I know my experience has been unusually positve. But certain aspects of your story and your background make me think you might have similar success, or enough success that trying to stay put might make sense. And if you really have a lot of local friends, you should give them a chance to support you. There were many, many people who I thought would not be supportive, and almost all them surprised me and were incredible loving. People in your life might surprise you as well and I think given your situation, it may be worth giving them a chance.

Happy to answer any questions you may have in this thread or via DM.

Sarah
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47 years young.
Known that I am trans since...forever.
First therapy session / decided to transition / hair removal: October 2018
HRT: January 2019 (journal https://www.susans.org/forums/index.phpVF/topic,244009.0.html)
VFS: September 2019; three-month report here
Full-time: April 2020
FFS: August 2020
SRS: January 2021

Offline Laura1951

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Re: Should I Stay or Should I Go
« Reply #10 on: July 07, 2020, 09:12:43 pm »
I found a nifty resource from the Human Rights Foundation (HRC), which conducted a Municipal Equality Index in 2019 and scored a variety of cites in every state on their LGBT friendly status. We're not allowed to post outside links here (I've been scolded in the past), but if you Google "HRC" and "Municipal Equality Index", you'll find it.

My own city scored a lowly 60 out of 100, but being able to research other cities in and out of California helps to narrow my choices. My pilot app, Foreflight, will tell me if there's an airport nearby.

Laura
One New Life to Live (My personal blog)

Laura's HRT Journal     |     Laura's FFS Journey.   |  Stay or Go



Offline Laura1951

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Re: Should I Stay or Should I Go
« Reply #11 on: July 07, 2020, 09:36:02 pm »
Dear @SarahC,

Thank you so much for your lengthy, personal story that relates so closely to my situation. It's nice to find someone whose story mirrors mine in a variety of ways. This certainly lends weight to your advice. That you've already traveled this path, determined to cut all contacts, pull up roots, and move to a new city, but then detoured when you slowly came out to people, is hopeful and helpful. You're right about not making rash decisions and allowing myself to take my time.

I'm still in the "scared to come out to them" mode and while I've come out to a few people, I can see the benefit of reaching out to a few people at a time to gauge their reactions. That you changed your paradigm after your slow, steady progress gives me a strategy for moving forward.

You're right that although I'm relatively close to the LBGT-friendly Bay Area, my current city scored a D- on a recent survey of LGBT-friendly cities. I'll keep my options open, but if I'm keeping the "leaving" option open, coming out to a few people will help me assess whether staying is more beneficial than leaving. I'm glad it worked out for you. We'll find out if it works for me.

Hugs,

Laura

One New Life to Live (My personal blog)

Laura's HRT Journal     |     Laura's FFS Journey.   |  Stay or Go



Offline Oldandcreaky

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Re: Should I Stay or Should I Go
« Reply #12 on: July 08, 2020, 08:12:20 am »
Laura, whereas I'm happy for Sarahc and frankly envious of someone who bridged her past and present, I actually tried three methods and prefer the new life option:

When I transitioned from my old role, I did confide in people. They felt free to tell others, who felt free to tell others. I soon realized I'd live a woman's life with an asterisk, so I moved.

As I shared, I moved a little ways down the road and my past soon caught up with me. People had already known me as female, which gave me some advantages, but I still had an asterisk reattached. Here's an example: I became a fairly well known teacher by dint of my skill, labor, and creativity. For example, I was filmed by the BBC and the state superintendent visited my classroom a couple times, a big deal in a state with tens of thousands of classrooms. But among my colleagues, if someone was gushing, there was also a whispered, "Yes, but...." Information that intimate can always be used to distract from achievement.

So, now I moved to a place where I tell no one. Frankly, I transitioned so long ago that I've lived another life. If I were to confide, it would cast no light on me and I would be betrayed again because nearly everyone betrays confidence.

Offline Laura1951

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Re: Should I Stay or Should I Go
« Reply #13 on: July 08, 2020, 03:39:24 pm »

I heartfeltly appreciate all the responses to this thread, which reinforces to me the importance of having a safe space to share our journeys, successes, and problems. So many of you have chimed in with excellent advice, having lived through the same decision I’m trying to make. For all of you, thank you.

I’m particularly taken with responses by @SarahC and @OldAndCreaky, whose journeys began where I am now but ended up in very different places. Both seriously considered leaving the familiarity of their home cities to start a 24/7 life as their preferred identity, rejection being one of the primary motivators. I, too, want to be somewhere where I can just be Laura Fulltime, with people not inquiring or knowing about my former <deadname> life.

In OldAndCreeky’s situation, she wanted a life where no one knew of her <deadname’s> life, so that she wouldn’t be living a life where she had an asterisk by her name. “Sure she’s attractive, but she used to be a guy” kind of thing. SarahC, though, cut off ties with her <deadname’s> friends and associates, expecting to start life in a new city, but as she slowly came out to a few people at a time, found acceptance and respect. Yes, Sarah’s friends will know of her <deadname’s> life, but given that they accept her new life and that she gets to stay in the same area is certainly a happy ending for her.

So, these are two possible courses for me. For now, I’m going to keep researching new places for me to land once my FFS has healed and I feel passable enough to feel comfortable as Laura 24/7. Until then, SarahC has pointed to a possible path where I can stay, depending on the reactions as I slowly come out to people.

Oh, this will be interesting. Thank you so much for sharing your advice

Laura
One New Life to Live (My personal blog)

Laura's HRT Journal     |     Laura's FFS Journey.   |  Stay or Go



Offline Erika_

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Re: Should I Stay or Should I Go
« Reply #14 on: July 10, 2020, 06:29:34 pm »
Well, as to the questions. I've moved quite a few times.

1. I had no choice, I was forcibly removed from the town I was living in. The second time I changed cities was because I was fleeing an abusive relationship.

2. I have no idea, I've been told that I pass but I don't believe it.

3. I looked for a place close to my friends, because friends are all I have left.

4. I can't hear my deadname without crying, so I'm glad to be as far away from it as possible. I haven't been able to change my name legally yet so I still run into it sometimes unfortunately.

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