Topic: One New Life to Live

[Northern Star Girl]

@Laura1951
Dear Laura:
I read with sadness as you described your "not-a-good-day" events during your tennis outing as Laura and with dealing with the coming out issues with those that were not in the know.  It sounds to me like that you were outed in a most unkind way.

I'm not certain that I understand..... your friend, the fourth person..... did she violate your confidentiality by saying that Bruce "already knows"    Did he already know, or were you set up? 

On the bright side, the "law enforcement" man did call you  "Laura"  during the match.

Yes, safety in numbers... I would encourage you to try to make certain that you have your "tennis-elbow" supportive friend be present when you are on the tennis courts again.....

Please know that many of us have to some degree lost control of our coming out.   I would not be convinced that having that serious talk with Bruce asking for his "confidence"  would have changed anything in the end.

In the past when I had 2 cats, if I was upset I would lay down on the sofa couch and my cats would crawl up on my legs and stomach and just sleep and purrr......   I always enjoyed my "cat-scan"  .... very relaxing and made me feel better.

I assume that no-one said anything to you about having your top on backwards.... depending on the top it might have been difficult for others to readily notice.....   so that is good.

Hang in there Laura, try to put this all behind you... tomorrow is a new day... try to stay positive.

HUGS and HUGS and more HUGS 
Danielle

      

[Laura1951]

I read with sadness as you described your "not-a-good-day" events during your tennis outing as Laura and with dealing with the coming out issues with those that were not in the know.  It sounds to me like that you were outed in a most unkind way.

I'm not certain that I understand..... your friend, the fourth person..... did she violate your confidentiality by saying that Bruce "already knows"    Did he already know, or were you set up? 

On the bright side, the "law enforcement" man did call you  "Laura"  during the match.

Yes, safety in numbers... I would encourage you to try to make certain that you have your "tennis-elbow" supportive friend be present when you are on the tennis courts again.....

Please know that many of us have to some degree lost control of our coming out.   I would not be convinced that having that serious talk with Bruce asking for his "confidence"  would have changed anything in the end.

Hang in there Laura, try to put this all behind you... tomorrow is a new day... try to stay positive.

Thank you, @Danielle.

Person Four has been incredibly supportive, so I know he would never out me. I think it's more that he knows that Bruce has figured it out and he was encouraging me to be brave and introduce Laura to him. I do wish I was that brave.

I always revel in being Laura with my tennis friends since safety in numbers is still a thing. I'm also enjoying going out shopping alone as Laura as well. My fear has been being confronted by people who know <deadname> and clocking her before she's ready.

from the many stories I've read on Susan's, I'm aware that these accidental outings happen, that it's not unusual to lose control of our narrative or timeline. that reality hit me today. Rather than back away, I know I have to move forward. I'll never know if I have the strength to stay in this city until I come out fully.

Yes, tomorrow is a new day and Laura is looking forward to it.

Onward.

Laura

[Laura1951]

November 21, 2020

I learned last night that my father died.

Three or four weeks ago apparently.

He was 95 and living in a rest home at the time, having lost his final wife to cancer and suffering from dementia.

First, a history lesson.  My parents, who divorced when i was 11, had three children, of which i'm the middle. I have an older brother who is bi-polar and a younger sister. She's the only relative i've come out to (and will be the only one.) After my parents divorced, mom quickly remarried an incredibly selfish jerk and had two more children who are amazingly spoiled and selfish in their own ways. They are the sole recipients of my mother and step-father's estate.

Dad remarried two more times, but the final marriage was a keeper. His wife was a fun, intelligent woman who had two children. They, and my first wife and i, would regularly spend Thanksgiving at a destination. Dad would rent a cottage somewhere (the coast or the mountains), we'd arrive on Wednesday and stay until Sunday. In between were games, food and exploring.

Dad's love for his children was always conditional and never deep. Over my lifetime, my brother and sister each disappointed him in some way that would cause him to stop all contact. i was the last to fall 21 years ago when i left my first wife. i remember him calling me to tell me that he didn't want to talk to me anymore. That event was cause of much thought for many years as i wondered, "How can a parent not love their children unconditionally?" It took many years to conclude that dad never had the capacity to love completely. Either that, or he never really loved his children.

After i divorced my first wife, she kept in contact with both my mother and father,  and i'm aware that she calls mom weekly.  Now, my sister still tried to stay in contact with dad and he tolerated her questions about family history, which was her primary reason for trying to talk to him. Even when he entered the rest home, she continued to call him every few weeks to check in on him.

When she called recently, the rest home wouldn't tell her about dad or about his death. That was for "relatives." Really? His own daughter wasn't considered important enough to contact? So, my sister contacted his late wife's children to find out what they knew. It turns out that they were informed of his death, but nothing more. Since one is a CPA, he shared that he had helped my father with his will and that the entire estate would be going to my ex-wife.

So, my ex-wife, who lives two blocks away from me, knew for several weeks about dad's death and chose not to tell anyone in the family, or even to tell my mom during her weekly calls.

Incredible.

Welcome to my life.

Onward,

Laura

[Northern Star Girl]

@Laura1951
Dear Laura:,
I am confounded and saddened by the issues that you described regarding dealing with your father's passing and your family's handling of notifying you and keeping you in the loop.

All I can offer is my condolences, sympathies and my multiple warm and tight HUGS.

   
Danielle

[Laura1951]

@Laura1951
Dear Laura:,
I am confounded and saddened by the issues that you described regarding dealing with your father's passing and your family's handling of notifying you and keeping you in the loop.

All I can offer is my condolences, sympathies and my multiple warm and tight HUGS.

   
Danielle

Thank you, @Danielle.

While none of were a part of our father's life, we all still wished we were, despite knowing that he was incapable of loving us. I'm so far removed from his goodbye 21 years ago, that I've not shed a tear. I wish I could, especially because HRT has made me weep for less, but we all felt no connection at the end.

When I talk to my mom tomorrow I'll find out her feelings about her favorite ex-daughter-in-law.

Thank you for your well wishes.

Laura

[Laura1951]

November 23, 2020

Coming Out

I came across an interesting coming out story on the LGBTQNation site about an ABC correspondent who described his coming out process. "This ABC News journalist’s Coming Out Day letter gives advice to his younger, closeted self". While he's much younger than i am, he still felt the same confusion when he was 12 and felt he had to hide his truth from others. I can certainly relate. 
<Link not allowed, but a quick internet search will find the site and the article.>

It concluded with his final advice to his 12 year-old self, “Don’t rush it, kid. You don’t need to reveal your secret just yet, if you don’t want to. You’re only 12. Just know that you’re special, and someday you’ll feel that too, and everything will be OK.”

“When you’re ready, start living your truth. That’s when the magic happens.”

Yes, it does.

Onward.

Laura

[Northern Star Girl]

@Laura1951
Dear Laura:
Thank you for posting that very relevant article that is of keen interest to our forums community of members.
Your thoughts and posts that you share are much appreciated.

HUGS and best wishes,
Danielle

[Laura1951]

November 27, 2020

Fulltime

i'm reminded of the quote i used in my last post, "When you're ready, start living your truth. That's when the magic happens."

i'm ready for Laura to begin living authentically. it's time.

About half the time Laura presents, she's playing tennis with a group of friends on Friday mornings. Over the past several months, i've gradually come out to more people including more tennis friends and my regular singles partner whom i play every Monday. My sister and neighbors also know. Because of all the love and acceptance i've received, i've felt more comfortable and confident being Laura on and off the court, despite being clocked.

Saturday tennis is always a group of 12 players, organized by one of the friends i'm out to. It's a rotating group of people with many playing every Saturday and some rotating in and out. Tomorrow, though, five people who know Laura will be playing so i'll be surrounded by a fair number of friends to support my first day living authentically.

i'll  update tomorrow after i play, but i'm feeling fairly positive about this next step in Laura's life.

Onward.

Laura

[Northern Star Girl]

@Laura1951
Dear Laura:
This is very exciting news... as always I am wishing you well in making your "Full-Time" debut as Laura.

I am so glad that you will have several supportive friends that know you as Laura when you play your Saturday tennis games.   Safety in numbers!!!!

You have a good attitude regarding being clocked...  for most transitioners that is a unfortunate event that we must endure from time to time....   stay positive, stay self-confident, and stay self-assured...   and again there is safety in numbers with especially on Saturday with 5 players that know you as Laura.

I will be eagerly looking for your update.

OH, be sure to be extremely careful regarding returns of the tennis ball heading toward your face...

HUGS and more HUGS,
Danielle

[Pammie]

November 27, 2020

Fulltime

i'm reminded of the quote i used in my last post, "When you're ready, start living your truth. That's when the magic happens."

i'm ready for Laura to begin living authentically. it's time.

About half the time Laura presents, she's playing tennis with a group of friends on Friday mornings. Over the past several months, i've gradually come out to more people including more tennis friends and my regular singles partner whom i play every Monday. My sister and neighbors also know. Because of all the love and acceptance i've received, i've felt more comfortable and confident being Laura on and off the court, despite being clocked.

Saturday tennis is always a group of 12 players, organized by one of the friends i'm out to. It's a rotating group of people with many playing every Saturday and some rotating in and out. Tomorrow, though, five people who know Laura will be playing so i'll be surrounded by a fair number of friends to support my first day living authentically.

i'll  update tomorrow after i play, but i'm feeling fairly positive about this next step in Laura's life.

Onward.

Laura

That’s so good to read. I love playing tennis. Hope you have a lovely time Laura! Xx


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[Laura1951]

@Laura1951
This is very exciting news... as always I am wishing you well in making your "Full-Time" debut as Laura.

I am so glad that you will have several supportive friends that know you as Laura when you play your Saturday tennis games.   Safety in numbers!!!!

You have a good attitude regarding being clocked...  for most transitioners that is a unfortunate event that we must endure from time to time....   stay positive, stay self-confident, and stay self-assured...   and again there is safety in numbers with especially on Saturday with 5 players that know you as Laura.

I will be eagerly looking for your update.

OH, be sure to be extremely careful regarding returns of the tennis ball heading toward your face...

I laughed out loud when I read your final comment. Oh, it's still something that flashes though my mind each time I'm at the net. Thank you, @Danielle.

For me, as for most of us, transitioning is scary and doesn't always follow a linear path. I've felt so blessed with the acceptance and love I've received each time I've shared Laura's life with others. My self-confidence, which isn't complete,  grows with each new interaction, and I'm thankful my friends have encouraged me to life authentically. Susan's has been part of that journey which continues into the future.

I'll update tomorrow, but I'm glad my head is in the right place for the great reveal.

Stay warm, my friend. I'm so thankful for your comments here.

Onward.

Laura

[Laura1951]

That’s so good to read. I love playing tennis. Hope you have a lovely time Laura! Xx

thank you @Pammie. Being retired, tennis is a great source of exercise and friendship. oh, flying makes me feel alive, particularly when I take a friend, but tennis has been a long-term joy.

Laura

[Laura1951]

November 28, 2020

Full Time, Day 1

Today, i started living Laura's life authentically (well, mostly). The platform was a Saturday doubles group that alternates in attendees, but has a fairly stable core each week. Of the 12 players there, five already knew about Laura and had played with her. The remainder have only known of and have played with <deadname>.

As i arrived, about half the group had arrived and were warming up. Person 4, who organizes the group, noticed Laura and welcomed her.  Since two other women had just arrived before me, i went up to them and introduced myself as Laura and they greeted me back. Such as it went with the remainder of the players.

Laura had a good time. The entire morning, from the moment i began putting on my makeup to my arrival at the courts, i felt not an ounce of fear. A year ago, i couldn't imagine doing this, out of fear of rejection. What i'm certain of is that, on the surface, people are polite to your face and while some may be overtly welcoming, it's what happens behind the scenes and the next day that has a greater effect. As more people learn about Laura, particularly the women of Ladies Interclub, i'll find out who my new allies are.

One woman, while we were on a break between sets, asked about my transition and whether it was something i do on and off. I explained that today was my first day full time and i gave her a shortened history of my transition and coming out. She seemed accepting, as did most of the other players, many whom remembered to call me Laura instead of <deadname>.

Now, about that asterisk behind going full time.

Because i've regularly purged clothes during the first three years of Laura's life, i have no old clothes or wigs to use while working on my rental, painting, or doing yardwork. For those times, i'll be <deadname>. I suspect that within several months, i'll be able to rotate in an old pair of pants and an older wig for this work. However, today i came out to the world, releasing my friends from their confidentiality bond. People will talk and share now and in the near future, more players will meet Laura for the first time.

And i'm not worried.

oh, i used to be terrified of this moment and while it's possible i'm deluding myself, knowing i'm not yet passable, living my authentic life is more important that living a lie. For that, i've received much love from my friends today.

Onward.

Laura

[Pammie]

November 28, 2020

Full Time, Day 1

Today, i started living Laura's life authentically (well, mostly). The platform was a Saturday doubles group that alternates in attendees, but has a fairly stable core each week. Of the 12 players there, five already knew about Laura and had played with her. The remainder have only known of and have played with <deadname>.

As i arrived, about half the group had arrived and were warming up. Person 4, who organizes the group, noticed Laura and welcomed her.  Since two other women had just arrived before me, i went up to them and introduced myself as Laura and they greeted me back. Such as it went with the remainder of the players.

Laura had a good time. The entire morning, from the moment i began putting on my makeup to my arrival at the courts, i felt not an ounce of fear. A year ago, i couldn't imagine doing this, out of fear of rejection. What i'm certain of is that, on the surface, people are polite to your face and while some may be overtly welcoming, it's what happens behind the scenes and the next day that has a greater effect. As more people learn about Laura, particularly the women of Ladies Interclub, i'll find out who my new allies are.

One woman, while we were on a break between sets, asked about my transition and whether it was something i do on and off. I explained that today was my first day full time and i gave her a shortened history of my transition and coming out. She seemed accepting, as did most of the other players, many whom remembered to call me Laura instead of <deadname>.

Now, about that asterisk behind going full time.

Because i've regularly purged clothes during the first three years of Laura's life, i have no old clothes or wigs to use while working on my rental, painting, or doing yardwork. For those times, i'll be <deadname>. I suspect that within several months, i'll be able to rotate in an old pair of pants and an older wig for this work. However, today i came out to the world, releasing my friends from their confidentiality bond. People will talk and share now and in the near future, more players will meet Laura for the first time.

And i'm not worried.

oh, i used to be terrified of this moment and while it's possible i'm deluding myself, knowing i'm not yet passable, living my authentic life is more important that living a lie. For that, i've received much love from my friends today.

Onward.

Laura

What an awesome day! Good for you hun!
Did you wear a tennis dress? I love wearing mine xx


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[Laura1951]

What an awesome day! Good for you hun!
Did you wear a tennis dress? I love wearing mine xx

Hi @Pammie.

Given the winter weather and lows in the low 30s, most women wear long sleeved tops, skirts or shorts, and leggings. Combined with either a vest or a tennis jacket, it's pretty much the uniform of the group. Most wear all black as I did today, although there was a scattering of red, which I thought was really pretty.

At present, Laura has far more tennis clothes than <deadname> although the majority are summer clothes that include tops and shorts/skirts as well as a few dresses. I'm quickly adding to my winter tennis wardrobe so I can have a bit of variety on the court.

oh, it's just too fun dressing up.

Laura

[Oldandcreaky]

Laura, I worry about you transitioning where you've been known in the male role. I tried it, didn't like it, moseyed, and liked the fresh start much better. However, I transitioned about 35 years ago and my shift was more of a novelty than it is today, so it might work for you. I'm sure hoping it does.

As far as gossip, you should assume that everyone at your tennis club knows. Gossip is seen by too many as a frivolity, but it's evil.

[Laura1951]

Laura, I worry about you transitioning where you've been known in the male role. I tried it, didn't like it, moseyed, and liked the fresh start much better. However, I transitioned about 35 years ago and my shift was more of a novelty than it is today, so it might work for you. I'm sure hoping it does.

As far as gossip, you should assume that everyone at your tennis club knows. Gossip is seen by too many as a frivolity, but it's evil.

@OldAndCreaky
I certainly understand, which is why I had started the "Should I Stay or Should I Go" thread last summer. From those posts, I saw the two paths Laura's transition could take: Move to a new city to begin my life full-time, or give it a try first in my city and see how it goes, hoping for the best. Since those posts, I've scoped out a new housing development in a city an hour north, so that path is preplanned should I choose that direction. in the meantime, I'm giving the other path my best shot.

I don't know how this story will end because, like theatre reviews, the verdict doesn't come until later. Until then, I'm taking this one day at a time. One thing I know. They can't hurt me now.

Laura

[Pammie]

Hi @Pammie.

Given the winter weather and lows in the low 30s, most women wear long sleeved tops, skirts or shorts, and leggings. Combined with either a vest or a tennis jacket, it's pretty much the uniform of the group. Most wear all black as I did today, although there was a scattering of red, which I thought was really pretty.

At present, Laura has far more tennis clothes than <deadname> although the majority are summer clothes that include tops and shorts/skirts as well as a few dresses. I'm quickly adding to my winter tennis wardrobe so I can have a bit of variety on the court.

oh, it's just too fun dressing up.

Laura

Silly me, I thought you would be playing indoors
I think trying life out at home with the backup of a new life scoped out is a great idea. I feel from how you explain things that you are very aware and in a great place xx


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[JudiBlueEyes]

Hello Laura, I've just finished reading your thread and I must commend you for your patience.  Also congratulations on finally going full time.  I understand the stress induced by considering the possibilities but as you noted being honest with yourself is more important than lying.  Whether you are passable or not doesn't matter.  Your confidence in who you are will drive the day.  Although from your avatar photo I think you look fine.  Just remember to exude confidence, its empowering.  All my best to you!

Judi

[Oldandcreaky]

I don't know how this story will end because, like theatre reviews, the verdict doesn't come until later.

Clever lass!