Author Topic: One New Life to Live  (Read 6555 times)

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Offline Laura1951

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Re: One New Life to Live
« Reply #80 on: November 29, 2020, 11:47:45 am »
@JudiBlueEyes, @Pammie, @OldAndCreaky

Thank you all for following my story and for your support.

Laura
One New Life to Live (My personal blog)

Laura's HRT Journal     |     Laura's FFS Journey.   |  Stay or Go



Offline Laura1951

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Re: One New Life to Live
« Reply #81 on: November 29, 2020, 11:56:32 am »
Truths I have Learned

This will be an evolving post. Feel free to add the truths you have learned.

One is the Loneliest Number
It's not just a song from the musical "Hair". It's true. I felt at my loneliest during the period after i came out to myself and felt i was carrying a secret too dangerous to tell, afraid of the consequences. Yes, joining Susan's helped, but i didn't really begin to fight this battle until i came out to a friend in real life.

To repeat a quote from an earlier post, "That's when the magic happens."

Reach out and be brave.

Danielle May Not be Crazy
Oh, sure she may be a little crazy for thriving in subzero temperatures, but in RL, i've found her to be as beautiful on
the inside as she is outside. We are lucky to have her here.

It Gets Better
Many of have experienced dark times and some of you have been emotionally challenged by rejection from your loved ones. It takes time to let go of that pain and love yourself.

It will though.

Clothes Can be a Girl's Best Friend (well, and cats too)
While <deadname> hated shopping, Laura can't stop finding new pieces to add to her wardrobe. Each new season presents a new adventure dress as the woman you want to be.
Oh, and shoes. Lots of shoes....and purses.

HRT Doesn't Solve Problems
We mostly feel that the beginning our our journey is the first day we begin HRT and many of us document this in our profile. While it's a slow (ok, very slow) path that will trans form parts of our body and minds, it's really what's between your ears that makes a greater difference.

Neither does Surgery
Yes, many of us also get FFS, as did i, and i'd be lying if i said it didn't help me feel a bit better when looking in the mirror. This hasn't stopped many MTFs from living an authentic life without it. Again, it's mostly what's between your ears that makes you a woman.

I DO love my new nose though. LOL

There is No Ending
When you begin this thousand mile journey with your first step, you initially feel that there must be an ending where everything is better.

There's not.

Certainly there are goals we incrementialy work towards, like beginning HRT, filling out a bra, losing weight, buying and wearing clothes, learning to accept our truth, and more, but this is a never ending journey. Even when you go fulltime, which i did recently, you'll still feel (or at least i do) that the journey is just continuing that more is yet to come. Goals are a good thing. I have my future goals to be a better Laura. You should too.

Susan's Is Worth Supporting Financially
For me, Susan's has always been a place of sisterhood and therapy. While i've gained much from reading about others journeys and have felt thankful about their advice to my questions, my writing in both my blog and other threads has been a form of self-therapy. Writing about our journeys and questions as well as and expressing our feelings is good for us and for our sisters here.

We are here because we have found a community, or at least one place where we feel kinship. Websites have costs though. I've run some and they don't come cheap, so Susan has been paying the bills regardless of our ability or willingness to contribute. She doesn't charge to be here. She wants this to be an all inclusive site where lost souls can find solace.

For those of us who can afford it, please consider regular donations to offset her costs.
Donate 

Onward.

Laura
One New Life to Live (My personal blog)

Laura's HRT Journal     |     Laura's FFS Journey.   |  Stay or Go



Offline JudiBlueEyes

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Re: One New Life to Live
« Reply #82 on: November 30, 2020, 08:26:42 am »
I love the quote from "Hair"!!

I wholeheartedly agree that HRT and or GRS do not solve all your problems.  We must change from within. 
Wind blew in, cloud was dispersed
Rainbows appearing, the pressures were burst
Breezes a-singing, now feeling good
The moment had passed like I knew that it should

Offline Laura1951

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Re: One New Life to Live
« Reply #83 on: November 30, 2020, 05:07:46 pm »
November 30,2020

The whole process of coming out 24/7 is a slow reveal as more people meet Laura for the first time. Saturday, the day i started fulltime, six new tennis players met Laura. They had all known <deadname> so i'm certain this was the subject of conversation afterwards as they discussed this among themselves and shared with others.

Last weekend, i emailed the club tennis pro, announcing my transition with the Reader's Digest version, asking him to create a new account for Laura on the court reservation system, and telling him i was hoping to play with the Ladies' Interclub. He replied respectfully and encouraged me to give the ladies the benefit of the doubt, saying that many would be accepting and friendly

Today, Monday, my singles partner from the last 15 years, met Laura. I had only shared my story with him a few weeks ago, so we'll see how it goes. This will be my first time at the club as Laura, so whoever is there will also be curious.

And i'm not worried.

Onward.

Laura
One New Life to Live (My personal blog)

Laura's HRT Journal     |     Laura's FFS Journey.   |  Stay or Go



Offline Northern Star Girl

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Re: One New Life to Live
« Reply #84 on: November 30, 2020, 05:31:24 pm »
@Laura1951
Dear Laura:
I am very happy to read your post and get a feel for your very positive attitude regarding running the gauntlet of coming out full time and appearing as Laura to your tennis cohorts.

You are following your convictions and going forward as Laura...  I am wishing you well with the relations with your long time tennis partner.   
I will be eagerly waiting for you to not only report on that issue but also with your plans to play with the Ladies' Interclub as Laura.

I am so happy for you and I am sending my positive vibes your way as you make you way through the gauntlet of going full time.


Wishing you well and lots of HUGS,
Danielle
***SEE MY LINKS BELOW
The Ramblings of a Northern*Star Girl
A New Chapter: ALASKAN DANIELLE's Chronicles
I am the HUNTED PREY: Danielle’s Chronicles
Things change re: ALASKAN DANIELLE
Positive Mindset... put away negativity

Started HRT:   March 2015
Went Full-Time    December 2016
Quit my male-mode job and relocated to a very small town in Alaska in January 2017
I'm a blonde, blue eyed woman, Age 40

Offline Laura1951

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Re: One New Life to Live
« Reply #85 on: November 30, 2020, 08:54:58 pm »
November 30, 2020, Part II;

Laura Plays at the Tennis Club


Days like last Saturday, when i went 24/7 and played tennis with several people who knew <deadname> but were new to Laura, and today, when i played singles with my long term singles partner, were the primary reasons I stopped HRT and purged clothes the first three years of my transition.

Instead, i've embraced each new opportunity to be authentic. It's all between the ears.

What i hadn't realized before is that once i went 24/7, there would be a window with many firsts; the first time with others, the first time at the club,  etc. Today, was my first time at the tennis club as Laura and i was certain others would be there.

There were. As i arrived, four men were playing doubles on the court next to us. Now, these guys are a level up from me, being 4.0-4.5 players where i'm a 3.5 player. I've played with all of them at times, but very rarely not for awhile. They know <deadname>. Whereas i went up to each of the New To Laura people on Saturday, i went about my business playing tennis for the first time as Laura with my friend. Now, as i've explained before, he's been neutral about my transition, not saying anything positive or negative and today was about the same. We talked as we have when i was <deadname> but he never addressed me as Laura. I know i still need to give him time to adjust.'

i'm certain several of the men clocked me, although they were respectful not to stare. At one point, where i was retrieving a ball near the fence that separated us, I met the eyes of one of the players. We nodded to each other and i continued playing,

Part of the journey to be Laura has been to accepted at the club as her, particularly with he women of the Interclub. Several of the women i had shared Laura's story with over the summer are members of the team, so at least i'll have allies. However, i've now entered the territory where people are learning about Laura for the first time, and i'm fairly certain some of then will be confused, will share this info with others, and will gossip a bit. i can not expect that people who weren't friendly with <deadname> will instantly want to be friends with Laura. i'll need to give everyone time.

Now, i do understand why some people move in order to begin a new life where no one knows of their past and while i've prepared myself incase i choose that path, i'm doing my best to see if i can make it work here. That means knowing that everyone knows i used to be <deadnane> and now that i'm Laura. That whole concept caused me much stress and fear in the past and while i may be fooling myself, i've reached the point where i don't care if they don't accept me. What i know i'll discover during the next few months is who my real friends are and who aren't. The men today aren't friends with Laura, only people who are familiar with <deadname>. They can't hurt me.

So, for the next few weeks an increasing circle of players will meet Laura for the first time and i'll do my best to be friendly with them. As they say, If you Want a Friend, Be a Friend.

It's all between the ears.

Thanks @Danielle for cheering me on.

Onward,

Laura
One New Life to Live (My personal blog)

Laura's HRT Journal     |     Laura's FFS Journey.   |  Stay or Go



Offline Oldandcreaky

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Re: One New Life to Live
« Reply #86 on: November 30, 2020, 09:08:39 pm »
Quote
i can not expect that people who weren't friendly with <deadname> will instantly want to be friends with Laura.

Laura, if someone who barely knew you in your old role approaches you seemingly seeking friendship, be wary. They might merely be there to collect some stories for gossip. Another possibility is using you as a prop. They might want to prove their acceptance bona fides and use you as a device to do so.

You are a disadvantage now. Near strangers now know the most intimate information about you. Friendship is the measured, equitable, and CONSENSUAL exchange of intimate information and this normal dynamic is no longer in play, which gives them power over you. Therefore, be wary.

Offline Laura1951

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Re: One New Life to Live
« Reply #87 on: November 30, 2020, 09:23:12 pm »
Laura, if someone who barely knew you in your old role approaches you seemingly seeking friendship, be wary. They might merely be there to collect some stories for gossip. Another possibility is using you as a prop. They might want to prove their acceptance bona fides and use you as a device to do so.

You are a disadvantage now. Near strangers now know the most intimate information about you. Friendship is the measured, equitable, and CONSENSUAL exchange of intimate information and this normal dynamic is no longer in play, which gives them power over you. Therefore, be wary.

@OldAndCreaky
One of the things I'm certain of is that there are "FRIENDS", there are people who are friendly, and finally that there are people who will be judgmental. One of my future posts will be called Boomerang, where I'll talk about what happens when knowledge of Laura comes back to me. I expect I'll discover some people who are friendly, some that may become new FRIENDS, and some (I call them the Mean Girls) who will gossip and back stab. Yes, some of them may try to befriend me, and while you're right that some may want to use me, I'll never know if I can stay unless I give this my best shot.

The secret for me, and one I'm trying to keep instilled, is to not care if they don't accept me. I have the same right to play as they do. In time, I'll learn who are true FRIENDS and who aren't. I'll never know if I don't try.

Laura
One New Life to Live (My personal blog)

Laura's HRT Journal     |     Laura's FFS Journey.   |  Stay or Go



Offline Oldandcreaky

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Re: One New Life to Live
« Reply #88 on: December 01, 2020, 09:34:18 am »
Laura, you are clearly smart enough to choose well in most situations, but being freshly born, you are a bit of a babe and I hope you can note my heart's scars and choose accordingly.

People use people. This is inevitable. We can't change it. However, we do have some agency as regards cooperating with our being used. If a person wants to use us in a way that's congruent with our purpose, whatever that might be, we should let them use us away. For example, in the decades I worked with children (and children were my primary purpose), if someone volunteered me for a task serving children that would mean I worked late into the evening while everyone else went home, that was fine with me for it served my purpose.

So, use your considerable intellect to ascertain why a person might approach you. If they're curious and friendly, befriend away. If they're an ally and want to protect you, even better. However, my experience is that many people who approach you want to mine you for an anecdote. They want to use that moment with you to attract attention from other people. I urge you to alert for that. I don't want your heart to become as scarred as mine.

Offline Pammie

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Re: One New Life to Live
« Reply #89 on: December 01, 2020, 11:47:44 am »
November 30, 2020, Part II;

Laura Plays at the Tennis Club


Days like last Saturday, when i went 24/7 and played tennis with several people who knew <deadname> but were new to Laura, and today, when i played singles with my long term singles partner, were the primary reasons I stopped HRT and purged clothes the first three years of my transition.

Instead, i've embraced each new opportunity to be authentic. It's all between the ears.

What i hadn't realized before is that once i went 24/7, there would be a window with many firsts; the first time with others, the first time at the club,  etc. Today, was my first time at the tennis club as Laura and i was certain others would be there.

There were. As i arrived, four men were playing doubles on the court next to us. Now, these guys are a level up from me, being 4.0-4.5 players where i'm a 3.5 player. I've played with all of them at times, but very rarely not for awhile. They know <deadname>. Whereas i went up to each of the New To Laura people on Saturday, i went about my business playing tennis for the first time as Laura with my friend. Now, as i've explained before, he's been neutral about my transition, not saying anything positive or negative and today was about the same. We talked as we have when i was <deadname> but he never addressed me as Laura. I know i still need to give him time to adjust.'

i'm certain several of the men clocked me, although they were respectful not to stare. At one point, where i was retrieving a ball near the fence that separated us, I met the eyes of one of the players. We nodded to each other and i continued playing,

Part of the journey to be Laura has been to accepted at the club as her, particularly with he women of the Interclub. Several of the women i had shared Laura's story with over the summer are members of the team, so at least i'll have allies. However, i've now entered the territory where people are learning about Laura for the first time, and i'm fairly certain some of then will be confused, will share this info with others, and will gossip a bit. i can not expect that people who weren't friendly with <deadname> will instantly want to be friends with Laura. i'll need to give everyone time.

Now, i do understand why some people move in order to begin a new life where no one knows of their past and while i've prepared myself incase i choose that path, i'm doing my best to see if i can make it work here. That means knowing that everyone knows i used to be <deadnane> and now that i'm Laura. That whole concept caused me much stress and fear in the past and while i may be fooling myself, i've reached the point where i don't care if they don't accept me. What i know i'll discover during the next few months is who my real friends are and who aren't. The men today aren't friends with Laura, only people who are familiar with <deadname>. They can't hurt me.

So, for the next few weeks an increasing circle of players will meet Laura for the first time and i'll do my best to be friendly with them. As they say, If you Want a Friend, Be a Friend.

It's all between the ears.

Thanks @Danielle for cheering me on.

Onward,

Laura
Dear Laura, It’s so exciting and you are doing exactly the right things it seems to me and im sending extra hugs!
Pammie xx


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Offline Laura1951

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Re: One New Life to Live
« Reply #90 on: December 01, 2020, 01:03:23 pm »
Thank you, @Pammie. Extra hugs are always welcome.

I don't know where all this will end and although I'm not fooling myself that everyone, particularly women, will accept Laura into their fold, I'm doing my best to act and feel authentic. Acting confident is part of my strategy, although snippets of fear loom below the surface.

Time will tell.

Laura
One New Life to Live (My personal blog)

Laura's HRT Journal     |     Laura's FFS Journey.   |  Stay or Go



Offline Pammie

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Re: One New Life to Live
« Reply #91 on: December 01, 2020, 01:37:14 pm »
Thank you, @Pammie. Extra hugs are always welcome.

I don't know where all this will end and although I'm not fooling myself that everyone, particularly women, will accept Laura into their fold, I'm doing my best to act and feel authentic. Acting confident is part of my strategy, although snippets of fear loom below the surface.

Time will tell.

Laura
That’s definitely the right strategy and ur being wonderfully brave and authentic! I doubt anyone has ever started out without fear (I know I had to conquer mine but always reminded myself that the gains were so amazing!)
Ur instincts are spot on in my view! You got this Laura! Xx


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Offline Laura1951

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Re: One New Life to Live
« Reply #92 on: December 04, 2020, 11:17:38 pm »
12/4/2020

Pronouns

I want to share that something that completely made my day.

i've been full-time for a week now, but my Friday doubles' group has known and accepted Laura since last summer. it's always been a bit confusing, name wise, for me to be Laura on Friday and then <deadname> with the larger tennis group on Saturday. This has led some of them to call me <deadname> by accident on fridays.

It's taken some time for Laura to feel completely comfortable with the Friday group, and at times she's been much more quiet than <deadname>. Our group has played together for more than 5 years, and our banter has been constant and unyieldingly fun.  As I've become more comfortable in my skin, now that I'm full-time, it's easier for the group to remember to name me correctly.

While we were playing today, i said something that <deadname> would have said. Playful bantering really that Laura has been working into. Shortly after, Person One, the first person Laura came out to, referred to me as "she", as she was talking to her partner, which is something i've never heard. That correct pronoun made my day. i know it may seem silly, but it meant everything to me.

Onward.

Laura
One New Life to Live (My personal blog)

Laura's HRT Journal     |     Laura's FFS Journey.   |  Stay or Go



Offline Northern Star Girl

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Re: One New Life to Live
« Reply #93 on: December 04, 2020, 11:47:24 pm »
12/4/2020

Pronouns

-- - - - - - -snipped - - - -

Person One, the first person Laura came out to, referred to me as "she", as she was talking to her partner, which is something i've never heard. That correct pronoun made my day. i know it may seem silly, but it meant everything to me.

Onward.

Laura

@Laura1951
Dear Laura:
This is certainly something to celebrate...  correct pronouns may be short 2 or 3 letter words but they carry a big meaning. 
Cherish this moment... I trust that there will be many, many more moments like this for you as you continue on.
Thank your for sharing.


HUGS and more HUGS,
Danielle. 
***SEE MY LINKS BELOW
The Ramblings of a Northern*Star Girl
A New Chapter: ALASKAN DANIELLE's Chronicles
I am the HUNTED PREY: Danielle’s Chronicles
Things change re: ALASKAN DANIELLE
Positive Mindset... put away negativity

Started HRT:   March 2015
Went Full-Time    December 2016
Quit my male-mode job and relocated to a very small town in Alaska in January 2017
I'm a blonde, blue eyed woman, Age 40

Offline EllenW

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Re: One New Life to Live
« Reply #94 on: December 05, 2020, 10:50:31 am »
Laura,

I agree with Danielle that correct pronouns carry a big meaning. Even after live full time for several years I still get a warm felling when I hear it from someone that has known me for a long time.

From my own experience, there is hope that you will not have any problems. I did not move or change jobs when I tranitioned. I have some neighbors that I have lived next to for over twenty years. I have never heard a negative comment and they call me Ellen not my deadname. It is the same at work.

Just live your life as your true self and do not worry about what others think or say

Ellen
Known all my life I was different
Started to live part time as my true self in 2010
HRT January 2018
Full time at work February 2018
Legal name and gender change January 2019
GCS - some time soon (I hope)

Offline Pammie

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Re: One New Life to Live
« Reply #95 on: December 05, 2020, 11:23:46 am »
Laura,

Just live your life as your true self and do not worry about what others think or say

Ellen
I think for the sake of realism I’d probably add that that is a really big challenge!
If one can not worry what others think or say then one really is in a happy place. 40+ months in and im still trying not to worry but I still do really care. I just can’t help it.


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Offline Laura1951

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Re: One New Life to Live
« Reply #96 on: December 05, 2020, 01:42:11 pm »
@Pammie, @Danielle, & @EllenW
Believe me when i say that the occasion was momentous to me. I even texted my friend afterwards thanking her. I'm glad that things finally clicked "between the ears" so i could live authentically and stop caring if people accept or reject Laura.

I've a very interesting story about today's tennis group i'll share next.

Laura
One New Life to Live (My personal blog)

Laura's HRT Journal     |     Laura's FFS Journey.   |  Stay or Go



Offline Pammie

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Re: One New Life to Live
« Reply #97 on: December 05, 2020, 02:21:31 pm »
@Pammie, @Danielle, & @EllenW
Believe me when i say that the occasion was momentous to me. I even texted my friend afterwards thanking her. I'm glad that things finally clicked "between the ears" so i could live authentically and stop caring if people accept or reject Laura.

I've a very interesting story about today's tennis group i'll share next.

Laura
I look forward to it! As a tennis player myself I love that tennis has been a great vehicle for introducing Laura to the world. Xxx


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Offline Laura1951

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Re: One New Life to Live
« Reply #98 on: December 05, 2020, 04:18:51 pm »
December 5, 2020

Second Time with Saturday Tennis Group

While my Friday tennis group of just four players has known and played with Laura for some time, last Saturday I went full-time and introduced Laura to people who had previously only known <deadname>. Today's 12 player group included four friends who knew Laura before, three who met Laura for the first time last week, and four players who were about to meet Laura for the first time.

And something happened with one of them that, four years ago, would have caused me to stop HRT, purge my clothes and quit tennis. It could have been THAT traumatic.

It didn't phase me a bit.

As i entered the courts today, i greeted my old friends as well as those who met me last week. For those who were meeting Laura for the first time, i went up to each individually and introduced myself. Now, my old friends are comfortable naming me, but some of the New To Laura friends are still a bit hesitant. I know this is a process for them. Even the conservative cop, whom i came out to last month and was quiet the first time we played together, now calls me Laura with ease. I know the New To Laura people will come around in time. In the meantime, i'm letting my confidence in myself shine through.

Two strange things happened today.

I must preface that we play four sets and have a different partner each set to make sure sets are balanced and we all have fun. It's always about fun and the bantering.

During the first set, my partner was a man who was new to Laura. As we were getting ready to play, he turned to me and said that i was pretty. Now, i've never considered myself attractive and while this interaction was strange to me, i can't say i was bothered by it. it's nice to be recognized.

The second incident though, was far different and took place during the second set when another New to Laura was on the court with me. This time, though, was different. I introduced myself to him, and after a few seconds, he literally fell to the ground laughing. Now, <deadname>/old Laura could have taken this the wrong way, feeling completely embarrassed and ashamed. I chose to rise above it and didn't show any emotion. I wasn't really bothered inside either and we began the second set.

Later, he apparently talked about this with one of my good friends, explaining that he thought my dressing up was a gag. My friend shared that it wasn't. After we finished the forth set, this man came over to me (he had been on another court) and apologized, explaining why he behaved so badly. Now, had I added a few words to my introduction, as my friends are encouraging me to do to provide some context, we might have avoided this incident.

So, next time when i introduce myself to a new person, i'll say, "Hi. I'm Laura. This is who i've always been and who i'll be from now on." That should do the trick. Oh, and the one new woman who met Laura today told my friend that she was happy for me.

so, yes, another extraordinary day.

Onward.

Laura
One New Life to Live (My personal blog)

Laura's HRT Journal     |     Laura's FFS Journey.   |  Stay or Go



Offline Pammie

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Re: One New Life to Live
« Reply #99 on: December 05, 2020, 04:40:09 pm »
December 5, 2020

Second Time with Saturday Tennis Group

While my Friday tennis group of just four players has known and played with Laura for some time, last Saturday I went full-time and introduced Laura to people who had previously only known <deadname>. Today's 12 player group included four friends who knew Laura before, three who met Laura for the first time last week, and four players who were about to meet Laura for the first time.

And something happened with one of them that, four years ago, would have caused me to stop HRT, purge my clothes and quit tennis. It could have been THAT traumatic.

It didn't phase me a bit.

As i entered the courts today, i greeted my old friends as well as those who met me last week. For those who were meeting Laura for the first time, i went up to each individually and introduced myself. Now, my old friends are comfortable naming me, but some of the New To Laura friends are still a bit hesitant. I know this is a process for them. Even the conservative cop, whom i came out to last month and was quiet the first time we played together, now calls me Laura with ease. I know the New To Laura people will come around in time. In the meantime, i'm letting my confidence in myself shine through.

Two strange things happened today.

I must preface that we play four sets and have a different partner each set to make sure sets are balanced and we all have fun. It's always about fun and the bantering.

During the first set, my partner was a man who was new to Laura. As we were getting ready to play, he turned to me and said that i was pretty. Now, i've never considered myself attractive and while this interaction was strange to me, i can't say i was bothered by it. it's nice to be recognized.

The second incident though, was far different and took place during the second set when another New to Laura was on the court with me. This time, though, was different. I introduced myself to him, and after a few seconds, he literally fell to the ground laughing. Now, <deadname>/old Laura could have taken this the wrong way, feeling completely embarrassed and ashamed. I chose to rise above it and didn't show any emotion. I wasn't really bothered inside either and we began the second set.

Later, he apparently talked about this with one of my good friends, explaining that he thought my dressing up was a gag. My friend shared that it wasn't. After we finished the forth set, this man came over to me (he had been on another court) and apologized, explaining why he behaved so badly. Now, had I added a few words to my introduction, as my friends are encouraging me to do to provide some context, we might have avoided this incident.

So, next time when i introduce myself to a new person, i'll say, "Hi. I'm Laura. This is who i've always been and who i'll be from now on." That should do the trick. Oh, and the one new woman who met Laura today told my friend that she was happy for me.

so, yes, another extraordinary day.

Onward.

Laura
Well done Laura, that was amazing that you handled that so well!
3 tennis.related questions!
1. Is it mixed doubles?
2. Do you play any differently than you did?
3. Do you think it’s a bit unbalanced with you as the woman on a mixed doubles team?
I worry about that when I think about joining a club again


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Tags: coming out