One strange thing happened though. As i was leaving the clerk's window, she had forgotten to give me copies of the application, so she called out to me, "Sir". Now, having just played tennis as Laura and presenting as her at the window, this came as a bit of a surprise and more than a bit disrespectful. I didn't let it bother me. Nor did i correct her. Like last Saturday when someone fell down laughing when they recognized me as <deadname>, i decided not to care. I am who i am. i've finally gotten the "between the ears" thing right.
I don't know if anyone else can relate to the point I am trying to make, but I hope it helps someone. I think that you have a wonderful attitude, and to the degree that you can maintain it it will serve you well.
In coming to terms with who I am, I am well aware that many in my local community see gender as synonymous with sex, and sex as immutably anatomical assignment at birth. That is what I was raised to think, and dysphoria doesn't sit well in that paradigm.
The trigger for laughter in many, many jokes is surprise (it is the number one ingredient of comedians presentation). The major nine laughter triggers include:
Surprise
Superiority
Embarrassment
Release
Incongruity
Recognition
Ambivalence
Configurational
Coincidence
Introducing the element of surprise into writing a comedy is always great. This is because you’re portraying a story as one thing but just when you capture their attention, you switch up on the story and they’re left with no other reaction than laughter. A good twist is usually funny, especially when no one sees it coming. As Dave Chappelle suggested (and although he has been the subject of criticism for doing so), being transgender and changing our presentation does make for awkward situations, and comedians understand that awkward situations present surprising twists that inspire laughter. People sometimes laugh and don't know why. Sometimes people laugh because they are uncomfortable, a little frightened, and yet they feel safe.
In my late teens and early 20's, I often smiled inappropriately. Any time I felt threatened I smiled. this lead to some people becoming quite angry at me because they thought that I was not taking their efforts at intimation seriously. I didn't think it was funny. I was taking it seriously. I just couldn't stop smiling no matter how I tried.
And, people laugh when they are frightened. Have you ever been in a crowded movie theater watching a horror film, and all around you the audience seems genuinely scared; but for some reason their screams and gasps are punctuated with laughter? We usually think of laughter as being a response to pleasure or amusement—we’re supposed to laugh when we find something funny, not scary. So why do we laugh when we’re scared?
Scientists still aren’t sure what makes us laugh in seemingly inappropriate contexts, but they have some pretty compelling ideas. According to scientists like primatologist Signe Preuschoft, who published a prominent study on macaque laughter, fearful laughter is an expression of submission. Macaques in Preuschoft’s study laughed or smiled when they felt threatened by a dominant macaque—their laughter was accompanied by evasive or submissive body movements. According to Preuschoft, the laughter is used to admit fear and communicate a desire to avoid conflict. Another camp believes that fearful laughter actually represents a denial of fear. We’re scared, but we’re trying to convince ourselves and the people around us that we’re not—that everything is okay.
Some people that laugh at you may not be intentionally insulting you, they may uncontrollably be responding from fear. The fear I am talking about isn't a fear OF YOU, but a fear for themselves that they have been shockingly misjudging a situation for some time. If I am honest with myself, I can understand fearing a change in gender presentation, because I spent too much of my life fearing it myself (for myself). People like some sort of concreteness, a high degree of things such as (but not exclusively) gender. And, while your gender has not changed, their perception of your gender has changed when your gender presentation changed. It is shocking to many people.
If the guy who laughed had no expectation in his mind that he knew you to begin with, he might not have been inspired to laugh. Perhaps he is just expressing confusion and shock. When this happens, and when these people think rationally about it, sometimes these people know they shouldn't have laughed, and are ashamed because they know they behaved inappropriately. He did man up and apologize, so provided it doesn't happen with him again, I would give him the benefit of the doubt, that he was just responding in a way that he is now ashamed of out of surprise.
I think it would help me to deal with that happening if I keep in mind that they may simply be surprised because I did a good job of hiding my gender, and suddenly they are questioning their ability to correctly perceive what is going on around them.
I don't know, I may be the only one this sounds comforting to, but it is easier for me to forgive someone for being surprised and responding inappropriately than it is for me to forgive them for being mean or cruel (whether intentionally or with reckless disregard for the feelings of others).
