Author Topic: how to tell my wife  (Read 498 times)

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Offline pyradraconia

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how to tell my wife
« on: July 08, 2020, 09:50:43 pm »
sorry, english is not my first language

so I have been married to a woman i love with all my heart for a little bit more that 2 years and i had repressed the part of me that wanted to become a woman, but with the birth of our daugther all those feelings have come back and stronger than ever, i have been researching even to DIY hrt because the endos here in mexico are not that familiar with treating transgender patients but have stopped even researching because all the hormones here have somo form of progestin and i read that those are no good
I even started theraphy with a local psicologyst who is somewhat familar with transgender issues to try to understand myself and to be certain that i want to transition
also i got in contact with a support group all of this without even saying something to my wife

I am at a loss, I feel depressed and dont know what to do, I am terrified of loosing everything that i have acheived in my life (i started a small bussiness and I am the face and here in Mexico transgender people are not seen with good eyes)

I dont know how to tell my wife, i even thought of starting hrt and fake surprise at the dr with the hormonal imbalance and blame it on a genetic condition (yep i even researched that)
 do you hav any advice (and i really mean any)

thanks for reading

Offline Jessica_Rose

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Re: how to tell my wife
« Reply #1 on: July 08, 2020, 10:17:13 pm »
First, no need to apologize for your English. Anyone who can communicate in more than one language has my respect, and you made perfect sense to me.

My wife and I have been married over 36 years, and I came out to her a little over three years ago. We have two adult daughters. It was a very hard decision, but the anger from hiding all of these years was slowing tearing me apart. I made the decision knowing that it could cost me everyone I love, but if I had not transitioned I probably would have taken my own life by now. Luckily, my wife and daughters understood, and our family is now stronger than ever.

There is no easy way to tell your wife. When you do tell her, be prepared for a very harsh response. Do not tell her at a time which may already be emotional for her, like a birthday, your anniversary, or the anniversary of a family members death. Tell her that you love her and your daughter more than anything in the world, and that you would never want to hurt them. Mention the feelings you have been experiencing, and let her know you have been seeing a therapist. Then tell her you think you may be transgender. Don't tell her you plan to transition yet, she needs time to work through her emotions. You wife should be included in any decisions you make moving forward, so she will feel she has some say in what is going on. Hopefully she will understand, but you will need to move forward very slowly. If you move too fast, you may lose her and your daughter.

Coming out to your wife and family may be the hardest thing you ever do, and I wish you the best of luck.

Love always -- Jessica Rose
Journal - Jessica's Rose Garden
National Coming Out Day video - Coming Out
GCS - GCS and BA with Dr. Ley on 21 Feb 2019
GCS II and FFS - GCS II and FFS with Dr. Ley on 26 July 2019
FFS II - FFS II with Dr. Ley on 13 Oct 2020
23Mar2017 Started Estradiol / 16Feb2018 Full Time! / 21Feb2019 GCS / 26July2019 GCS II & FFS

Don't let others tell you who you are. Be yourself, the world will adjust.

Offline Confused1

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Re: how to tell my wife
« Reply #2 on: July 09, 2020, 08:10:30 am »
I agree 100% with Jessica! I have been married 40 years and it was a roller coaster ride at first. I think we are now closer than we were before.

You have known this for awhile. Your wife will need some time to process it. Giving her any kind of control in what the next steps are can help her adjust.

Confused1

Offline Allie Jayne

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Re: how to tell my wife
« Reply #3 on: July 09, 2020, 08:29:29 am »
One of the critical things in a marriage is trust. Transitioning is something you must talk to your wife about, as she has a big stake in this too. Do it before you start HRT, or you will lose her trust, and it is almost impossible to regain. She is your partner, so treat her as such, and if you take this journey, so will she. I would explain to her that you have an unhappiness inside you that you can't get rid of, and you think it may have something to do with your gender identity. Ask her to help you find out what it is and guide you on what to do about it. Go to a therapist with her, and let her know you need her to be part of this.

When you both find out where you are at, ask her to help you find a way. If she wants to see you happy, she will have been part of the decision to transition, and will be committed to support you. It may not go the way you hope, but you won't avoid this by ignoring it, or doing things behind her back. I am still with my partner of 35 years, and she supports my transition as she was part of the decisions all along. I know she has complete trust in me and she knows I would never lie to her, and this is why we are together.

I wish you good luck as this is never an easy road to travel, but you can make it through together if you can trust each other.

Hugs,

Allie

Offline Berra

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Re: how to tell my wife
« Reply #4 on: August 05, 2020, 09:33:37 am »
Good time is good time . What about bad times . This is critical . You need to analyze her and decide.

Offline DebbieB

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Re: how to tell my wife
« Reply #5 on: August 15, 2020, 05:08:27 am »
If you are in Mexico City, there are some great LGBT resource centers in Zona Rosa near Angel de Independencia, in most other major cities, there are LGBT centers and near those centers are other resources including other transgender people.  These people and the LGBT centers can help you find the right therapists and doctors or clinics where you can get the critical medical advice.

I just posted a similar article in another thread, but a shorter review since you have only been married 2 years.

Who have you been up to now?  Did you try so hard to hide the girl inside that you tried to hard to be a man?
Do you think she married you because you were a big strong macho man, a tough guy?  If so, you've got a problem.

But maybe you didn't hide it as well as you thought.  Maybe the girl inside kept coming out and that's what she fell in love with.  Do you help with the housework, the baby, and the diaper changes?  Do you listen well?  Do you let her share her feelings?  Has she called you "cute", "sweet", "beliza", or "pretty"?  She may be waiting for you to tell her and she may be afraid to ask because she is afraid it would hurt your feelings.

Next, you need to tell her why you haven't told her before.  Were you bullied?  Were you assumed to be gay?  Did you get picked on?  Did you have gender dysphoria?  Did you tell someone and get seriously hurt?  She needs to understand that this is your deepest and most closely guarded secret and that you have told almost no one face-to-face.

Next question, who has she been up to now?  Has she been a religious fanatic who makes homophobic and transphobic statements on a regular basis?  Or does she have some gay friends, and maybe even a few girl friends who like girls?  Has she ever told you about times when she was attracted to a girl?

Next - who is your True Self?  In the secrecy of the closet, you have probably dreamed about being the sexiest girl at the club, the hottest girl at the bar, or the sex kitten.  But is that really who you are?  Selfish, vain, conceited, and only about sex?  Or is that girl inside a beautiful wonderful person your wife will want as a friend, a lover, and a parent.

Most importantly, are you the family provider?  Do you have a profession that you can do as a woman?  Can she still depend on you to be a good provider?  If you are a construction worker, showing up in a bra and T-shirt with leggings probably won't go over well with the boss or your coworkers.  Before you even think about taking hormones, you should be thinking about how you can create a real life in which the girl inside can be successful when the time comes.

Before you start hormones, the WPATH recommendation is that you be able to live at least half time as a woman for at least a year.  This would be week-ends and evenings, and not just hiding in the house.  Your therapist may even give you assignments like going for a drive, taking a short walk, going to a store, going to a fast food place, going to a casual restaurant, and so on.  These are designed to help you build socialization skills and build up your confidence.

You also need to let your wife be your partner.  In your fantasies, you might have wanted to wear club wear, but in reality, you have to dress age, size, and situation appropriate.  Having a woman help you with that is critical to your ability to pass successfully, and your wife will be the best critic and coach you could have.


Debbie Ballard - IT Architect
1st Transition 1988 to 1997 - detransitioned
2nd Transition 2010
HRT since 2011
Full Time since 2012

Offline Devlyn

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Re: how to tell my wife
« Reply #6 on: August 16, 2020, 04:23:05 am »
...
Before you start hormones, the WPATH recommendation is that you be able to live at least half time as a woman for at least a year.  This would be week-ends and evenings, and not just hiding in the house.  Your therapist may even give you assignments like going for a drive, taking a short walk, going to a store, going to a fast food place, going to a casual restaurant, and so on.  These are designed to help you build socialization skills and build up your confidence.
...

The WPATH guidelines have been continually updated over the years. This is from the latest copy, version 7:

The criteria for hormone therapy are as follows:

1. Persistent, well-documented gender dysphoria;
2. Capacity to make a fully informed decision and to consent for treatment;
3. Age of majority in a given country (if younger, follow the Standards of Care outlined in section VI);
4. If significant medical or mental health concerns are present, they must be reasonably well-controlled.


The latest version is available in the site wiki. If we are to offer advice about the WPATH guidelines to our members and friends, the advice should be current and applicable.  :)

https://www.susans.org/wiki/Standards_of_Care_for_Gender_Identity_Disorders

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Offline DebbieB

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Re: how to tell my wife
« Reply #7 on: August 16, 2020, 06:01:01 am »
At the time I transitioned under WPATH (v5?), the WPATH standards and insurance requirements were pretty strict.  The first time I started transitioned in 1989, it was necessary to live half-time for at least a year AND get electrolysis AND see the therapist on a regular basis during that year.

WPATH 7 - does offer adults the option of "Informed Consent" for hormones.  It can be a problem if someone starts hormones with no Real Life Experience, has not built a support network for transition, has not planned their transition out in terms of living situation, career, and family, and they are already developing prominent breasts and can't wear boy pants anymore.  It's a bit like driving toward a hill at top speed only to find out that the other side of the hill is a cliff.

I did forget to mention that therapists also address any other mental health problems.  Many people who have been severely bullied struggle with PTSD, depression, anxiety, or bipolar disorder in addition to their Gender Dysphoria, but therapists have to be careful not to dismiss the Gender Dysphoria just because there are other secondary mental health issues.
Debbie Ballard - IT Architect
1st Transition 1988 to 1997 - detransitioned
2nd Transition 2010
HRT since 2011
Full Time since 2012

Offline Devlyn

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Re: how to tell my wife
« Reply #8 on: August 16, 2020, 08:37:35 am »
At the time I transitioned under WPATH (v5?), the WPATH standards and insurance requirements were pretty strict.  The first time I started transitioned in 1989, it was necessary to live half-time for at least a year AND get electrolysis AND see the therapist on a regular basis during that year.

WPATH 7 - does offer adults the option of "Informed Consent" for hormones.  It can be a problem if someone starts hormones with no Real Life Experience, has not built a support network for transition, has not planned their transition out in terms of living situation, career, and family, and they are already developing prominent breasts and can't wear boy pants anymore.  It's a bit like driving toward a hill at top speed only to find out that the other side of the hill is a cliff.

I did forget to mention that therapists also address any other mental health problems.  Many people who have been severely bullied struggle with PTSD, depression, anxiety, or bipolar disorder in addition to their Gender Dysphoria, but therapists have to be careful not to dismiss the Gender Dysphoria just because there are other secondary mental health issues.

Yeah... I went with the informed consent protocols at Fenway Health, a prominent LGBTIQA+ clinic in Boston. Frankly, it's a bit disrespectful to describe someone's transition path as "driving towards a cliff" just because it isn't the path you followed. May I recommend that you read this topic:

Getting Along - A Guide to Forum Communication
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Offline DebbieB

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Re: how to tell my wife
« Reply #9 on: August 17, 2020, 12:55:10 am »
Yeah... I went with the informed consent protocols at Fenway Health, a prominent LGBTIQA+ clinic in Boston. Frankly, it's a bit disrespectful to describe someone's transition path as "driving towards a cliff" just because it isn't the path you followed. May I recommend that you read this topic:

Getting Along - A Guide to Forum Communication

Thank you for the link as a reminder.  I can understand the concern with the language I used.  I have seen a few cases where people started HRT even though they had not come out to anyone, and then things went bad when they had breasts they could no longer hide had no social network to support them.  It was the historical reason for the original versions of Standards of Care.  Even today, many clinics and insurance companies insist that a psychological evaluation of the current progress is required before the HRT is approved even for adults.  The hard rule of 1 year of RLE is not longer enforced, but the evaluation usually involves confirmation that some level of experience has been achieved before giving hormones.   Other doctors have been willing to simply go by informed consent, sign the paper and get the HRT.

Debbie Ballard - IT Architect
1st Transition 1988 to 1997 - detransitioned
2nd Transition 2010
HRT since 2011
Full Time since 2012

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