Author Topic: I don't think I pass, but people tell me I do?  (Read 355 times)

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Offline Erika_

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I don't think I pass, but people tell me I do?
« on: July 10, 2020, 06:55:57 pm »
So it's strange, in the last year I've had one person tell me that I'm clockable. But everyone else tells me that I pass.

I haven't been misgendered at all this year by strangers [most of the time I don't get gendered at all]

I'm almost at one year on hormones, and I've only been misgendered to my face by a stranger once.


But I still get stared at sometimes, so I assume that those people have clocked me.
Also I just think that the people who gender me correctly are doing so to be nice, judging by some things that were said [the woman at the shoe store asking me if I needed help with sizes]

I'm just not sure, I've been to lots of places and I don't think I've ever been called sir. On the one hand I can't see how I would be passable, but on the other everyone can't all just be being nice?

I'm so confused.

Offline Northern Star Girl

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Re: I don't think I pass, but people tell me I do?
« Reply #1 on: July 10, 2020, 07:07:04 pm »
@Erika_
Dear Erika:
I am so sorry to read of some of the issues that you are experiencing.

Transitioning and passing is usually a "work in progress"
As much as you can try to ignore any staring or rude looks and comments.

Sometime as you are going out and about, it might help if you can be with other supportive and accepting friends... girls or guys.
Safety in numbers!!!!

Stay positive, try to appear your best and as time goes on continue to work on building up your self-assurance and self-confidence.

Best wishes and HUGS,
Danielle


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Offline KatieP

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Re: I don't think I pass, but people tell me I do?
« Reply #2 on: July 12, 2020, 12:01:48 am »
Hello Erika,
As with most things, Danielle has it spot on.

When you used to walk around in "guy-mode" did you look for or eve notice people looking at you funny? If that happened, did you ever once think they looked at you funny because of your gender presentation? I bet the answer for the first one is No, and I am even more certain the answer for the second one is No. When you were in Guy-Mode, you didn't think about your gender presentation and it was not a thing.

So, now... How can you go out in your chosen gender presentation with the same perspective? In the same way that most cis-gender people aren't looking for people to look at them strangely for their presentation, we need to get to that same point. And, yes, this is trivial to type, and tough to actually do.

My addition to Danielle's advice is to try to not look for people looking at you. Don't search for people clocking you. Just go do your thing. When you interact with people, presume that any strange looks you get are the result of something, anything, besides your presentation. That's what you used to do in Guy-mode. I think it works in girl-mode too.

Katie

Offline Pammie

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Re: I don't think I pass, but people tell me I do?
« Reply #3 on: July 12, 2020, 01:27:45 am »
Hello Erika,
As with most things, Danielle has it spot on.

When you used to walk around in "guy-mode" did you look for or eve notice people looking at you funny? If that happened, did you ever once think they looked at you funny because of your gender presentation? I bet the answer for the first one is No, and I am even more certain the answer for the second one is No. When you were in Guy-Mode, you didn't think about your gender presentation and it was not a thing.

So, now... How can you go out in your chosen gender presentation with the same perspective? In the same way that most cis-gender people aren't looking for people to look at them strangely for their presentation, we need to get to that same point. And, yes, this is trivial to type, and tough to actually do.

My addition to Danielle's advice is to try to not look for people looking at you. Don't search for people clocking you. Just go do your thing. When you interact with people, presume that any strange looks you get are the result of something, anything, besides your presentation. That's what you used to do in Guy-mode. I think it works in girl-mode too.

Katie
That is great advice but, as Katie said it’s tough to do. I generally try not to check if people are looking but my need to pass is so strong that sometimes I can’t help myself.
Personally, if all but one person tells you you pass then hell girl, go with it! I’d be delighted with that kinda affirmation! Xxx


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Offline zirconia

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Re: I don't think I pass, but people tell me I do?
« Reply #4 on: July 12, 2020, 02:22:06 am »
I wrote a reply yesterday, but deleted it. Because I don't think I can be of help. But... does what I describe here sound in any way familiar?

If so, I do understand.

Offline Erika_

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Re: I don't think I pass, but people tell me I do?
« Reply #5 on: July 12, 2020, 08:13:20 am »
I wrote a reply yesterday, but deleted it. Because I don't think I can be of help. But... does what I describe here sound in any way familiar?

If so, I do understand.

Sort of, but most of the time I don't get gendered directly at all, normally it's stuff like "The girl in the red shirt needs help to reach that product. But I rarely ever get called ma-am.

Offline ChrissyRyan

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Re: I don't think I pass, but people tell me I do?
« Reply #6 on: July 12, 2020, 08:24:34 am »
We are often ourselves among our strongest critics of our looks, mannerisms, and voice.
I think that is probably natural.  Think of all of pretty girls who think they are ugly in some way, comparing themselves to someone else.

Sort of, but most of the time I don't get gendered directly at all, normally it's stuff like "The girl in the red shirt needs help to reach that product. But I rarely ever get called ma-am.

I think that it is much better to have this indirect acknowledgment, “The girl in the red shirt needs help to reach that product” as compared to “the dude in the skirt needs help with that product.”

So even though a direct pronoun may be desired, try to think positively about any correct acknowledgement.   :)

Chrissy

@Erika_
Be tender to others.  You are as beautiful as the thoughts you think and the words that your speak.   Always stay cheerful, be polite, kind, and understanding.  Knowledge and action shown without love is not impressive.  If you look for the good in people you will find it. Healthy relationships are so important to good living.

Good living, joy, unity, love, and happiness can come from following these practices: Never let selfishness or conceit motivate you.  Regard others as more important than yourself.  Do not limit attention to only your interests, but include the interests of others

It is not usually about how fast you transition, it is about how well you transition.  

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