Community Conversation > Transsexual talk

I've run out of meds.

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So, my gp won't agree to shared care meaning I have to access my hrt via a private doctor who diagnosed me. I find this very stressful but usually what happens is that when I get to my last bottle of gel (So a month supply left) I email and ask for a repeat.

that didn't happen this time because to bully me into attending an endo appointment i'd had to cancel due to covid (argh) the psychiatrist only gave me ONE bottle.
so the endo appointment happened via Zoom and he told me he'd send my report and also that I would get a perscription from him now instead.

Report came. no script.

I emailed them, they said it was signed and was being posted.

this was over 2 weeks ago.

it still hasn't arrived.

I'm out of gel.

I've been rationing it but I literally had like.. one more dose and then it's gone.

and i'm absolutely terrified.

It wouldn't be so bad if it was just a "well looks like transition stalls for a week or so while I sort this out" but that's not what hrt does for me. Hrt for me relieves a huge amount of the pain my natural hormones cause me. I'm talking migraines, cluster headaches, shooting pains in my arms, chest pains, breast pain so severe I can't dress myself without sobbing in agony, hot flushes, cold flushes, nausea.
For 25 years doctors have been trying to figure out WHY my body reacts so poorly to my own hormones and have come up with nothing. There's nothing wrong with my natural hormone levels, my body is just borked.

testosterone is literally the ONLY thing that's given me relief from illness that has been getting progressively worse and worse as time goes by. I had reached a point where it was t or death to get away from it. I could no longer function and spent most of my time in bed, curled up in pain wishing I could just die in my sleep already.
T gave me a new lease on life. It relieved 90% of my pain (I haven't had a migraine or cluster headache since starting. No nausea, no shooting pains, no severe breast pain and even my edema has started to drain and go away meaning I have actual ANKLES again and my fingers aren't useless fat sausages! It's amazing) T also helped my mental health no end giving me strength to actually move forward rationally and not spend days or weeks in a suicidal state because someone corrected my bloody spelling or something trivial.

Point is, pre T I was in a BAD place and i'm so scared of returning to that place.

I don't know how long i'll get before the pain creeps back, before my mental health plummets, before I become an active danger to myself again.

running out of t is a disaster and it's one of my nightmares playing out in real time.

I don't know what to do.
It's not a drug I can just rock up to my pharmasist and get an emergancy perscription fulfillment for.
My GP won't listen to me and the endo isn't replying to my emails.

This is extremely catastrophically bad.

I'm so scared. I am SO so scared.

I can't go back to how I was. I just can't. I can't go back to the pain and the misery. I can't be that person again.

I don't know what to do. I genuinely don't know what to do.

Sometimes missed couple days is ok but not long period of time

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Problem is I have no idea how long it'll take to get a fresh perscription nor how my body might react to suddenly NOT having T in its system.
My body is a jerk and given the awful and rapid experiences i've had on other hrt i'm quite frightened.

My doctor was supposed to call me to discuss AGAIN shared care but she hasn't called yet and i'm not convinced she will.

I'm feeling extremely powerless right now.

The worry I have is that i'm still getting breakthrough bleeding even 8 months on t, which means progesterone is still surging around my system. If I got more than a couple of days without T what happens? How long do I get before i'm hit with a crippling migraine and cramps as my body freaks out? how soon before I start to bleed like a stuck pig? How long before the cramps and all the other horrible pains slam me? Because they come out of nowhere violently and intensely. Before t I lived with a steadily narrowing window of time where I wasn't absolutely dehabilitated by pain. It was 2 weeks, then 1 week, then 3 days of reprieve before it all started again. And with the pain comes this crushing dysphoria that makes me want to claw my own eyes out.

If I have to go back to migraines and the horrendeous pains of a body that's slowly destroying itself I don't think I have to mental strength to survive. I just don't. There's this huge sense of crushing hopelessness that comes with it and it's made worse by knowing there's a solution, there's a cure but it's being dangled just out of my reach. A cure i'm not WORTHY of accessing, that I don't have enough percieved value to be worth saving.

I'm having massive anxiety attacks because of this. It's not a good place to be. None of this is fair, i did what I was supposed to do you know? I requested this stupid perscription weeks ago like I was meant to. I didn't leave it till the last minute. I was diligent, I was organised. I did everything I could to make sure it would be here in time.
I honestly don't think they even sent it. I don't think they care.

I mean they got my money, what do they care now?

I'm so angry and miserable right now. I feel utterly and completely betrayed. I trusted these people to help me and instead this is what they do. It's disgusting.

With Pandemic of COVID-19 everything is in the back burner and patients at hospital go first. I am sure they don't ignore you because hospital staff working overtime and nonstop to deal with COVID-19

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--- Quote from: F_P_M on July 13, 2020, 09:07:08 am ---My doctor was supposed to call me to discuss AGAIN shared care but she hasn't called yet and i'm not convinced she will.

I'm feeling extremely powerless right now.
--- End quote ---

I know personal anecdotes aren't very helpful, but for what it's worth, the two times I didn't get a reply by when I absolutely needed to I took a day off, travelled to the clinic, and politely explained to the receptionist or secretary or whoever it was the situation, and that I'd be happy to wait there until until whoever could resolve the matter had a few minutes to see me. The longest it took was half an hour. Most of which consisted of convincing the receptionist that I did have the whole day and didn't at all mind staying at a hotel and coming back for the next day as well if necessary.


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