Author Topic: Verbally Attacked, Struggling to Move On  (Read 1957 times)

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Offline Tisane

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Verbally Attacked, Struggling to Move On
« on: January 31, 2019, 01:47:59 am »
So obviously this story is going to contain transphobic nastiness, so fair warning. I wish I could shrug it off, but I can't, so maybe talking about it with people who might understand will help.

I help to moderate a community where a lot of alternative religion stuff gets discussed, and at one point the topic of trans women in female spaces came up in the context of Wiccan/neo-pagan women's rituals. Mind you, many of these are done in a public setting, so the usual transphobic hand wringing about locker rooms or nudity or bathrooms is even less on topic than these discussions usually are.

A new member (a gay man) began the usual barely coded speech about listening to womens' voices within the community and talked about how powerful the experience of him doing something in a men's specific group was. I replied with the facts you'd expect, and all the while he kept up the facade of left-leaning/feminist talking points ("you're silencing women" and "stop using intersex people as your debate prop" when I tried to point out how much debates about biological gender and chromosomes also impacts them even if they don't fall under the trans label, etc) to try and make me look like the oppressive, bigoted voice. By this point he does know that I'm a trans man, as it came up int he conversation.

Finally he said I was being both homophobic and misogynist, and I asked him to explain to me how a gay man who was socialized as a woman for basically my entire life was either of those things. He then went off on me about how he was "going to let it slide" but me saying that infuriated him because obviously I'm just a straight woman who fetishizes gay men, I'll never understand The Gay Experience, and my partner of four years is a straight man.

Obviously I understand on every rational level that nothing he said even approached true. I'm comfortable in being a trans man, I previously identified as a queer woman (before realizing I was trans) who had dated both men and women, my partner is bisexual... it was all wild and baseless accusations, shifting the goal posts of what kind of bigot I was supposed to be, and a blatant transphobic attack by someone who refused to acknowledge my gender and would rather call me a liar because of some perceived threat to his identity.

But I can't stop thinking about it. It's been at least a week now, and I'm still thinking about it. I don't know if it's because someone was willing to say all that to my face for the first time (I'm early in my transition, sadly I'm usually just assumed to be female so I frequently dodge transphobia with automatic misgendering), or if it's because I got that much vitriol from someone not just in the LGBT community, but in a group I identify strongly with. Probably both.

I don't know how to stop feeling awful about this.

Offline KathyLauren

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Re: Verbally Attacked, Struggling to Move On
« Reply #1 on: January 31, 2019, 07:08:06 am »
Hi, Tisane!

Welcome to Susan's Place.

I am sorry you experienced that hate.  I don't know how to make that stuff go away, either in the real world or in my own mind, so I am afraid that I don't have any easy answers for you.  I certainly understand the frustration of having it spinning in your mind long after the incident is over.

Do you have a therapist?  This is the kind of thing that is useful to talk over with a therapist, if only to come to terms with your own reactions.

Please feel free to stop by the Introductions forum to tell the members about yourself.  Here is some information that we like to share with new members:

Things that you should read


2015-07-04 Awakening; 2015-11-15 Out to self; 2016-06-22 Out to wife; 2016-10-27 First time presenting in public; 2017-01-20 Started HRT!!; 2017-04-20 Out publicly, beginning full-time; 2017-07-10 Legal name change; 2019-02-15 Approval for GRS; 2019-08-02 Official gender change; 2019-10-18 Phone consultation for GRS; 2020-03-11 GRS!; 2020-09-30 New birth certificate




Offline Maid Marion

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Re: Verbally Attacked, Struggling to Move On
« Reply #2 on: January 31, 2019, 07:23:21 am »
Sorry you were attacked. 

The fact is that LGBTQ isn't really a community.  It is a collection of a political alliances because each faction is too small to stand on its own against the larger community.  So yes, there is a lot bad blood between the different factions. And, sadly, even between TG and CDs.  Like they can afford to do that.  ::)

Offline Faith

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Re: Verbally Attacked, Struggling to Move On
« Reply #3 on: January 31, 2019, 08:29:08 am »
This is an excerpt from something I wrote about hate. It seems apropos, I dunno, maybe it's just me :-\

Quote
Deflection. Terrible thing. You think, "I am a target, how can I not be one. Oh, I know. I'll make someone else a target". You don't really have anything against that other person or group, you simply want the focus to be off of you. No one will see 'me' if enough people are focused on 'you'. Someone hates you so take that hate and pass it on to someone else. The easiest way to keep people from noticing you is to point at someone else, the more that are pointing the better. It's a vicious cycle.

They don't hate you, they just want to take the hate that they've received and put it somewhere else so that they feel better about themselves. It doesn't work.

Offline Northern Star Girl

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Re: Verbally Attacked, Struggling to Move On
« Reply #4 on: January 31, 2019, 08:43:47 am »
@Tisane
Dear Tisane:
     I am so very happy to see that you have signed up today as a member of Susan's Place and the Forums.
I also see that our lovely member  @KathyLauren  has already Officially Welcomed you... and at the end of her welcome message to you she has given you important and informative LINKS that will help you to navigate and around the forums and get the most out of your time here on the Forums.

    As you post here on the forums you will be able to exchange thoughts and comments with others that are experiencing many of the same things that you are.
 
    This is the right place for you to be to find out what others may have to say that may have been in your circumstances and with your questions and concerns.
    There are a lot of members here that will be able to identify with your situation as you continue to feel free to share it.
 
    I also want to warmly WELCOME you to Susan's Place
You will find this a safe and friendly place to share with others and to read about others similar trials, tribulations, and successes.

    As you are certainly aware you can share with others and involve yourself with some give and take with other like-minded members.  When frustrated or if you have successes you can share it here if you wish and receive support from others and offer support to others. ....
     ***There is a very good chance that you might find that you will make some new like-minded friends here. 

    Please come in and continue to be involved at your own pace.
   
    Make a point to look closely at the LINKS in RED at the end of KathyLauren's welcome message, answers are there to many questions that new members ask.     

Again, Welcome to Susan's Place.
Danielle
     
***SEE MY LINKS BELOW
The Ramblings of a Northern*Star Girl
A New Chapter: ALASKAN DANIELLE's Chronicles
I am the HUNTED PREY: Danielle’s Chronicles
Things change re: ALASKAN DANIELLE
Positive Mindset... put away negativity

Started HRT:   March 2015
Went Full-Time    December 2016
Quit my male-mode job and relocated to a very small town in Alaska in January 2017
I'm a blonde, blue eyed woman, Age 40

Offline Northern Star Girl

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Re: Verbally Attacked, Struggling to Move On
« Reply #5 on: January 31, 2019, 08:44:17 am »
@Tisane
Oh, and another thing Tisane...
Please plan to follow the suggestion and LINK that was in the Welcome Message from @KathyLauren and find your way to the Introductions Forum so that more members will be aware of your arrival.
     
Thank you again for joining Susan's Place and being involved in the Forums here.
Best wishes to you,
Danielle
     

NOTE:  Now I will let you have your thread back so you can continue to pursue the answers you are seeking.
***SEE MY LINKS BELOW
The Ramblings of a Northern*Star Girl
A New Chapter: ALASKAN DANIELLE's Chronicles
I am the HUNTED PREY: Danielle’s Chronicles
Things change re: ALASKAN DANIELLE
Positive Mindset... put away negativity

Started HRT:   March 2015
Went Full-Time    December 2016
Quit my male-mode job and relocated to a very small town in Alaska in January 2017
I'm a blonde, blue eyed woman, Age 40

Offline Jessica

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Re: Verbally Attacked, Struggling to Move On
« Reply #6 on: January 31, 2019, 10:36:00 am »
Faiths words are true, though I think that this interaction with this new member in the group you moderate may have have had the slant of someone that is trying to be socially responsible, albeit through a narrow view.  He unfortunately seems to be stuck with his narrative of beliefs. 
One thing that meetings, debates and conversations create is education.  It could be he just hasn’t gotten views from others that can help with a broader enlightenment. 


Quote
Deflection. Terrible thing. You think, "I am a target, how can I not be one. Oh, I know. I'll make someone else a target". You don't really have anything against that other person or group, you simply want the focus to be off of you. No one will see 'me' if enough people are focused on 'you'. Someone hates you so take that hate and pass it on to someone else. The easiest way to keep people from noticing you is to point at someone else, the more that are pointing the better. It's a vicious cycle.

"If you go out looking for friends, you are going to find they are very scarce.  If you go out to be a friend, you'll find them everywhere."



Offline Fretwinker

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Re: Verbally Attacked, Struggling to Move On
« Reply #7 on: August 02, 2019, 01:53:27 pm »
People can be nasty
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Offline Lady Sarah

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Re: Verbally Attacked, Struggling to Move On
« Reply #8 on: August 04, 2019, 10:40:17 pm »
It sounds to me like the guy did his best to troll and bait you. It doesn't matter what reason(s) he had to be nasty. You seemed like a viable target. When it comes to trolls, debate is useless. They will twist your words to mean something other than what you meant to bait you into defending your position. Once you defend yourself, they continue to pick on you. At this point, block/ignore is the best option. If you don't feed the troll, they eventually either find a new target or just give up.
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Offline protean

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Re: Verbally Attacked, Struggling to Move On
« Reply #9 on: March 26, 2020, 10:43:48 am »
Sometimes it helps me, if I pretend something happened to a good friend and what advice I would provide. Taking it personally sometimes clouds your judgement.

I think the fact that he felt the need to attack someone for no reason at all, says more about him - than it does you. It is not his job or anyone else's job to police how we feel and how we identify.

As others mentioned if you have a therapist, I would bring this up and if you don't there are quite a few resources on youtube for dealing with narcissistic and toxic individuals.

Offline Sophiaprincess2019

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Re: Verbally Attacked, Struggling to Move On
« Reply #10 on: March 26, 2020, 11:26:29 am »
Tisane, welcome to SP. Hopefully your interactions with others are mainly positive experiences and this interaction is not your norm. I understand opposite points of views and beliefs can lead us to think about it for days/weeks/months/years but know this: Time will eventually release you from thinking about it all the time.

Dramatic events are like throwing a large rock into a pond. The initial explosion of the water is a violent and turbulent event, followed by waves of ups and downs. As time passes the ripples become less and less frequent and eventually you arrive back on the shore in a state of calm.

That is an ideal situation of course. Often people get stuck at one stage of this process and need help moving on to the next phase of getting through an ordeal or event.

Keep in mind others opinions of you and your life are simply that, opinions. No one knows you and your life better than you. You control who influences you and no one else. You are the captain of your ship, navigate yourself to calm and beautiful waters and the sailing will be more peaceful and uplifting experience. Don't let others steer you into a storm that could sink you!

All the best,

Sophia
I'm not a Therapist or licensed mental health professional, I'm simply someone who understands!
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Offline Northern Star Girl

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Re: Verbally Attacked, Struggling to Move On
« Reply #11 on: March 26, 2020, 01:11:41 pm »
Sometimes it helps me, if I pretend something happened to a good friend and what advice I would provide. Taking it personally sometimes clouds your judgement.

I think the fact that he felt the need to attack someone for no reason at all, says more about him - than it does you. It is not his job or anyone else's job to police how we feel and how we identify.

As others mentioned if you have a therapist, I would bring this up and if you don't there are quite a few resources on youtube for dealing with narcissistic and toxic individuals.


@protean
Dear Protean
    I noticed that you signed up as a member of Susan's Place several years ago and are just now becoming active again.  Thank you for coming back to the Forums.
    I am most pleased that you had decided to join Susan's Place and I hope that you will feel feel to share more of your thoughts and questions here.

    Please allow me to officially welcome you here.
    Thank you for writing your first postings.... as you get more involved in exchanging comments on various posts other members will be along to offer their thoughts and comments in response to any of your specific questions and concerns..

    This is the right place for you to be to find out what others may have to say that may have been in your circumstances and with your questions and concerns.
    There are a lot of members here that will be able to identify with your situation as you continue to feel free to share it.
 
    I also want to warmly WELCOME you to Susan's Place
You will find this a safe and friendly place to share with others and to read about others similar trials, tribulations, and successes.

    As you are certainly aware you can share with others and involve yourself with some give and take with other like-minded members.  When frustrated or if you have successes you can share it here if you wish and receive support from others and offer support to others. ....
     ***It's a very good chance that you might find that you will make some new friends here. 

    Please come in and continue to be involved at your own pace.
   
    There is information and important LINKS that I have included below.   You will find information about the site that will help you navigate around and best utilize the features here.   
Please look closely at the LINKS in RED, answers are there to many questions that new members ask.

Again, Welcome to Susan's Place.
Danielle


Here are some links to the site rules and stuff that all new members should be familiar with:
 
Things that you should read
***SEE MY LINKS BELOW
The Ramblings of a Northern*Star Girl
A New Chapter: ALASKAN DANIELLE's Chronicles
I am the HUNTED PREY: Danielle’s Chronicles
Things change re: ALASKAN DANIELLE
Positive Mindset... put away negativity

Started HRT:   March 2015
Went Full-Time    December 2016
Quit my male-mode job and relocated to a very small town in Alaska in January 2017
I'm a blonde, blue eyed woman, Age 40

Offline Northern Star Girl

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Re: Verbally Attacked, Struggling to Move On
« Reply #12 on: March 26, 2020, 01:12:18 pm »
@protean
Dear Protean:

If you feel so inclined please feel free to stop by the Introductions Forum to tell more members about yourself!
 
With more exposure to more members here you will be able to get more responses to your questions and concerns.

Wishing your well as you continue to be involved in the forums.

NOTE: Now, after all of this Greeting and Welcoming stuff, I will give you and your readers your thread back so you can get some answers from other members.

Again, Welcome to Susan's Place.
Danielle
***SEE MY LINKS BELOW
The Ramblings of a Northern*Star Girl
A New Chapter: ALASKAN DANIELLE's Chronicles
I am the HUNTED PREY: Danielle’s Chronicles
Things change re: ALASKAN DANIELLE
Positive Mindset... put away negativity

Started HRT:   March 2015
Went Full-Time    December 2016
Quit my male-mode job and relocated to a very small town in Alaska in January 2017
I'm a blonde, blue eyed woman, Age 40

Offline protean

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Re: Verbally Attacked, Struggling to Move On
« Reply #13 on: March 29, 2020, 04:12:54 pm »
Thank you for the warm welcome.

I haven't been completely absent, I lurk from time to time but my work is pretty demanding so I don't get a lot of time to comment.

Tags: narcissist Abuse