Author Topic: The Real Me  (Read 510 times)

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Offline IamKatrina

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The Real Me
« on: September 06, 2020, 08:57:25 pm »
 New girl on the block! I was a member here years ago but really just lurked for the most part. Mainly because I wasn't ready to fully accept who I truly am. I am 58 years old and have felt like a woman trapped in a man's body for most of my life. And I have spent most of my life running from myself. I am married and my wife is very accepting and supportive of my femininity. Which has helped a lot.

 I am disabled and I have tried and tried to find help in my area. But I have yet to find a gender therapist who accepts medicare/medicaid. If I was just on medicaid I could get help. But with medicare as my primary I fall through the crack. I have gone to regular counselors but none of them have dealt with trans issues. Which is very frustrating to say the least. Because I have some issues I need to work through if my war is ever going to end. And it is all really hitting me hard right now.

 My wife has a seizure disorder which has been under control for the most part. Prior to her seizure last night I had witnessed three in the 15 years we have been together. Last nights episode was long, violent, and scary. She slid off the bed on to the floor. I tried my hardest to protect her so she wouldn't hurt herself but there is not a lot anyone can do during a seizure because the body is rigid and unmanageable. Of course I called 911 as soon as I got her safe from the slide from bed. And to top that off I was dressed head to toenail.

 Now I have come out to my family but for the most part I have remained closeted with both my trans feelings and dressing. So I was in a major panic attack already just with her seizure. The rescue squad and ambulance got here about the same time. And I got some very disgusted looks but no one said anything about me being dressed. I knew I needed to just head out the door as soon as I gathered a few things for Debi (my wife) regardless of how I was dressed. But I was terrified. We live in low income housing in a fairly small town where the lgbt community is frowned upon. It didn't take me long to pull everything off, wash me face, and pop of my nails. But still I should have just went. That is how deep my fears are though. And I feel ashamed because of it. All it takes is a second seizure and they could be dead very easily in the 5 or 10 minutes it took me to pull everything off and head out the door. Then another 5 minutes to get to the hospital. But all of this has caused me to really look at myself and evaluate everything in my life.

 I know I can never give up Katrina or stop feeling the way I do about my identity. Been there and tried that many times in my life. Purging never works. My wife said today that she knows that too. She said she would not have minded if I had cam as Katrina but that she doesn't blame either for ripping everything off. She knows all to well my struggle with the fear of who I truly am. I have got to deal with this fear because this can never happen again.

 I know I am going to have to open up myself to the outside world but I want to do it the right way by dealing with some of these issues first and slowly bring Katrina out of the closet. And I know that will take time. I will put myself back in regular counseling  but I am hoping to find someone who specializes in Trans issues.

 I don't know where any of this is going. I have always wanted to transition to some degree. HRT and facial hair removal at the very least. But I can't afford to pay cash for those things, let alone SRS. I don't know where I am going in this blog even. Maybe it is just the beginning of a journey into the real me. Maybe I am writing it in hopes that other can learn from mistakes. I don't know, I just know I need to write and maybe make some friends along the way. I'll write more when I can....Katrina
Life itself is a journey into self discovery

Online Northern Star Girl

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Re: The Real Me
« Reply #1 on: September 06, 2020, 09:34:53 pm »
@IamKatrina
Dear Katrina
    Please know that I am not trying to sidetrack your comments and I will give you and others back this thread right after I warmly welcome you to Susan's Place and the Forums.
   
    I am most pleased that you had decided to come back to Susan's Place after your absence, and also to come out of the Lurker Zone...  and now to re-join the Susan's Place site and the Forums.

    Thank you for writing your very first posting.... as you get more involved in exchanging comments on various posts other members will be offering their thoughts and comments in response to any of your future questions and concerns..

    This is the right place for you to be to find out what others may have to say regarding their own experiences.
    There are a lot of members here that will be able to identify with your situation as you continue to feel free to share it.
 
    I also want to warmly WELCOME you to Susan's Place
You will find this a safe and friendly place to share with others and to read about others similar trials, tribulations, and successes.

    As you are certainly aware you can share with others and involve yourself with some give and take with other like-minded members.  When frustrated or if you have successes you can share it here if you wish and receive support from others and offer support to others. ....
     ***It's a very good chance that you might find that you will make some new friends here. 

    Please come in and continue to be involved at your own pace.
   
    There is information and important LINKS that I have included below.   You will find information about the site that will help you navigate around and best utilize the features here.   
Please look closely at the LINKS in RED, answers are there to many questions that new members ask.

Again, Welcome to Susan's Place.
Danielle


Here are some links to the site rules and stuff that all new members should be familiar with:
 
Things that you should read
***SEE MY LINKS BELOW
The Ramblings of a Northern*Star Girl
A New Chapter: ALASKAN DANIELLE's Chronicles
I am the HUNTED PREY: Danielle’s Chronicles
Things change re: ALASKAN DANIELLE
Positive Mindset... put away negativity

Started HRT:   March 2015
Went Full-Time    December 2016
Quit my male-mode job and relocated to a very small town in Alaska in January 2017
I'm a blonde, blue eyed woman, Age 41

Online Northern Star Girl

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Re: The Real Me
« Reply #2 on: September 06, 2020, 09:40:16 pm »
@IamKatrina
Dear Katrina:

Oh, and another thing...  If you wish, please feel free to stop by the Introductions Forum to briefly tell more members about yourself!

Wishing you well as you get more involved in the forums and meet more members here.

Also I glad to see that you started your own member blog with your first posting.   You can use your Blog Thread as your personal journal to share your experiences, questions and comments with other members.... but also be certain to read, search and follow some of the other threads here... lots of good information to be gained, and you may even make some like-minded friends here as you continue to be involved.

Danielle

NOTE: Now that all of this necessary greeting stuff is over, I will hand this thread back to you and those that may want to respond to the subject matter of this thread.
***SEE MY LINKS BELOW
The Ramblings of a Northern*Star Girl
A New Chapter: ALASKAN DANIELLE's Chronicles
I am the HUNTED PREY: Danielle’s Chronicles
Things change re: ALASKAN DANIELLE
Positive Mindset... put away negativity

Started HRT:   March 2015
Went Full-Time    December 2016
Quit my male-mode job and relocated to a very small town in Alaska in January 2017
I'm a blonde, blue eyed woman, Age 41

Offline IamKatrina

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Re: The Real Me
« Reply #3 on: September 06, 2020, 09:50:55 pm »
Thank You Danielle!! Until things settle down I will probably just be blogging. But I will get to the introduction page in the next couple of days.
Life itself is a journey into self discovery

Offline IamKatrina

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Re: The Real Me
« Reply #4 on: September 08, 2020, 07:10:28 pm »
 I think all the stress from Debi having a seizure has caught up to both of us. Naturally it takes everything out of her in every way. Her thoughts are finally starting get clearly but she is hurting and she is exhausted. And I am Bipolar so the stress of being in that situation does mess with my head and it is very scary to say the least.

 I was diagnosed with in back in 2001 but I know now I have probably had it since birth. I worked with the Drs and they worked with me so I could be on the least amount of medications as possible. Took over 4 years to get them dialed in and at the same time working with a counselor to learn the triggers, limits, and different ways of coping with things. For the most part I do pretty good. But if there is a lot of stress I do have trouble with the racing thoughts and it makes my mind feel hazy or fuzzy, so to speak. It usually takes me a few days to process everything then and start working through it. I have kind of done that now so that weight is lifting off me and I am exhausted....lol...

 You may be wondering what this thread is going to be about. I just want to put myself out there for all of you to get to know. Basically, I am just putting myself out there for both myself and all of you to get to know. ;) Strange isn't it? Here I am 58 years old and I am just now really starting to understand who I am. That's ok though, I am just a late bloomer....a really, really later bloomer...lol...Parts of my story are typical and parts of it are pretty wild, strange, and odd. I am going to have good days and bad days, some days I am happy, and some days I am sad. So I am going to take this blog like I live my life. One day at a time. Some days I may feel chatty and may make several posts. Other days I may not post at all.

 So I hope you will stick around and enjoy the journey into my past, my present, and my hopes and dreams for the future. But right now, I am just going to kick back and relax for the evening and get some rest.....Hugs Everyone! Katrina
Life itself is a journey into self discovery

Offline davina61

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Re: The Real Me
« Reply #5 on: September 09, 2020, 03:06:49 am »
Another member of the late bloomers club, welcome as there is quite a few of us!! Hope your wife recovers soon and it doesnt take to much out of you as well.  Take care XXX
a long time coming (out) HRT 12 2017


Jill of all trades mistress of non
Know a bit about everything but not enough to be clever.
I get pushed out of shape and its hard to steer when I get rubber in all 4 gears (Beach Boys ,little deuce coupe)

Offline IamKatrina

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Re: The Real Me
« Reply #6 on: September 09, 2020, 06:49:29 pm »
 

 My story is pretty typical as far as my gender identity goes. I started realizing I was different from the other boys somewhere around the age of 6. I didn't like doing the things they were doing or the games they played. And usually I played with the girls most of the time. I liked playing house, doctor, playing with my sisters toys rather than the boy toys my parents bought me. I always wanted to play dress up but the girls wouldn't let me. This was back in the 1960's and that kind of thing just was not accepted and not understood.  I knew I was different just didn't know why.

 When I was 7 I was going to school in Memphis, TN and one of the boys in my class would come in with his finger nails and toenails painted. One day I asked him why and he told me he felt more like a girl than a boy. I had not thought about it at that age because I had just never heard of it before. He also said he would sneak into his sisters rooms and sneak some of their clothes to try on when no one was around. I obviously could relate to him because the next thing I know I am sneaking into my sister's room and taking some of her clothes. I don't know how I never got caught! But I didn't. Not even when I fell asleep in them at night sometimes.

 As I grew up I did have many feminine traits. I tried to hide them as best as I could but my classmates seen them anyway. So my school days between elementary and jr high was filled with abuse from my peers. They called me every name in the book, made fun of me, beat me, spit on me, and chased me home from school almost everyday. That takes a toll on you and for me it instilled a lot of insecurity about myself and pure fear. I hated school and it showed in the classroom and in my grades.

 As I grew into a teen I just could not understand why I felt more like a girl that a boy. By this point I am sleeping almost every night in girls sleepwear. If I wasn't wearing them I had trouble sleeping. And I spent a lot of time in my room wearing bras and panties under my male attire. I felt so much more like a girl than a boy I often cried myself to sleep after praying for God to transform me.

 Then one day when I was about 15 I was watching a show on tv called Emergency if I remember right. On this episode I was watching Robert Reed played the part of a mtf transgender person. I am not going to say the word they refered  to it by back then. That's when the light went on and I started understanding why I felt the way I had for as long as could remember. It was still hard though because back in the mid to late 70's there was not a lot of information on being transgender. And a lot of what you could find was misinformation.

 My first head to transformation did not come until I was in my early 20's. I mustered up the courage to go buy a wig, a complete outfit from head to toe, a whole slew of make up, and got myself a motel room for a couple of nights. When I had finished  and stood in front of the mirror for the first time in my life I saw a glimpse of the woman I had been feeling was in me for most most of life. It was exciting, confusing, amazing, and scary all at the same time...lol...I had no clue where this was going. I just knew it felt right. And made me want to be female even more.

 Slowly through the eighties and nineties more and more info came out about being Transgender. Especially when the internet got started and computers became so popular. There is not a day that goes by where I do not think about and long to transition. I have been searching for a way to make it happen for 30 years while at the same time running from it. I am tired of running. I realize I may never be transition now. Because I am disabled with both mental and physical issues. But I refuse to stop searching or give up all hope. I don't know how but I have to keep believing that one day a way will be made. Life with hope is just surviving. I want to do more than just survive, I want to live, and I want to be free of the bondage that so many of us face. And about the only thing I have a lot is time. So my search continues.

                                                                                                     Hugs...Katrina

 
Life itself is a journey into self discovery

Offline IamKatrina

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Re: The Real Me
« Reply #7 on: September 11, 2020, 02:05:59 pm »
 Well I have been calling everyplace within a 40 mile radius of where I live to find a GT that takes my insurance. No luck so far and I am running out of places to call. So there is a good chance I will have to go back to where I received my counseling for my Bipolar Disorder. Which is frustrating because most of the counselors are fresh out of college and know nothing about transgender issues or how to deal with them. Usually I am the one giving them information and resources to help them understand.

 I guess I will finish up with calling the places I have researched today. And if I can't find anyone I guess I will call Monday and make an appointment at the center I was going to. Trying to go with the flow and accept the situation. But it is hard, very hard. I am not looking for pity by posting this, just venting a little. Who knows maybe I will have a breakthrough in these last 4 places I have to call.

                                                                                    Hugs to Everyone...Katrina
Life itself is a journey into self discovery

Offline CaelaNotKayla

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Re: The Real Me
« Reply #8 on: September 11, 2020, 02:20:05 pm »
Katrina-

Hang in there!  Have you thought about calling GTs further away and having your sessions via telehealth?  In our area nearly every provider is moving as much as they can to telehealth anyway. 

Also- I have to say your new avatar looks great! I love your top!

Hugs

Caela
My Blog Thread - The Chronicles of Caela

Who knew it'd be so bright without the blindfold - Demi Lovato

Online Northern Star Girl

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Re: The Real Me
« Reply #9 on: September 11, 2020, 03:39:54 pm »
@IamKatrina
Dear Katrina
....Just to let you know....
Your new Avatar/Profile picture looks terrific, it is nice to "see" who we are writing to.... but you are always free to not show your personal pictures if you feel that security of your identity is needed,

Thank you for sharing your new Avatar !!!! :)

HUGS,
Danielle
***SEE MY LINKS BELOW
The Ramblings of a Northern*Star Girl
A New Chapter: ALASKAN DANIELLE's Chronicles
I am the HUNTED PREY: Danielle’s Chronicles
Things change re: ALASKAN DANIELLE
Positive Mindset... put away negativity

Started HRT:   March 2015
Went Full-Time    December 2016
Quit my male-mode job and relocated to a very small town in Alaska in January 2017
I'm a blonde, blue eyed woman, Age 41

Offline IamKatrina

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Re: The Real Me
« Reply #10 on: September 11, 2020, 04:19:34 pm »
@IamKatrina
Dear Katrina
....Just to let you know....
Your new Avatar/Profile picture looks terrific, it is nice to "see" who we are writing to.... but you are always free to not show your personal pictures if you feel that security of your identity is needed,

Thank you for sharing your new Avatar !!!! :)

HUGS,
Danielle



 TY for the compliment Danielle. The important people in my life already know. And I am coming to a point in my life where I am starting to care less about what others may think or say. I mean this is who I am. This is, "The Real Me."  ;) . I am not good at taking selfies though so I will probably change it when I have a better photo...lol
                                                                                                                Huggss!!
Life itself is a journey into self discovery

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