Author Topic: Sharing my Heart and Journey  (Read 5092 times)

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Offline Sarah-Red

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Re: Sharing my Heart and Journey
« Reply #80 on: March 30, 2020, 08:16:33 am »
Hi Sarah, How are things going with you? Did you get a chance to check on GCS yet?

Hugs

Sent from my SM-G975U using Tapatalk

Heyy. No, not fully I guess I missed my chance since they closed access to family doctors here besides by phone, and it's not something I could talk about comfortably where I am. It's too bad but It'll have to wait until things get back more to normal. I did check into a form I have to talk to my doctor about, and I probably need to explain stuff myself since he knows nothing about trans.

Things haven't been great in some ways, but I'm also still making some personal headway, even if it's slow. Small growth is still progress :) Hope you're doing alright on your side.
I did want to post here about my latest thoughts lately, but didn't get around to it. I might soon though. :)

Offline Sarah-Red

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Re: Sharing my Heart and Journey
« Reply #81 on: July 16, 2020, 12:15:52 am »
Hi. It's been a while since I posted. I just feel like I want to talk, and maybe get things off my chest, I don't know. I don't really have a lot of people I can talk to right now. I've chatted online a lot, but it wasn't about a lot of deep things. Anyway, I might post a bit more here again.

I've been at a loss for quite a while. The truth is this trans thing isn't easy for me. I so want to transition but I can't, because I care too much about what others think about me. It's not like I want to, it just happens. And my social anxiety isn't making it easy at all. I'm trying to build up to where I could present female more, but it's so hard. I dont know how I can do it. I so want to be a girl.
I am one, sure, but I don't always feel like that. The stupid socialization and everything is so strong, and it just sucks to go day to day struggling with my own conditioning and messes. I hate feeling like a guy, I don't want to. But I'm fighting, and I don't plan on giving up. I just wish it wasn't so darn hard. And a part of me doesn't seem to care or realize how important it is to me. I dont know if that makes sense, but I don't know how else to describe it. It might just be emotional stuff.

I feel so alone in some ways. Even talking with people, it doesn't feel like anyone truly understands me and would be there for me. I know I have to be able to be there for myself, it's just I've got issues, and I could use some help. and more support. I still need to be there for myself, and I'm still independent in some ways so it's not like I want people to do everything for me, but I really could use more of something somehow, and more connection. And love.

So far I'm just making really small steps when I can, and it's slow but at least I'm still trying. I'm not gonna give up, though it would be nice if I could make some nice leaps once in a while. The social front feels like such a big huge wall that I don't know how to climb or get around, I just don't know how I'm going to make it as a trans woman.

I don't mean to be pessimistic. But it's just honestly how I feel. And I'd rather be able to share that than putting up fake optimism. I'll find ways to be positive here and there, I'm sure. I'm going to move forward. I just have trouble too. I'll try my best.

Thanks for reading if you did. Feel free to comment or post here.
Ttyl.
« Last Edit: July 16, 2020, 05:46:15 pm by Northern Star Girl »

Offline Sephirah

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Re: Sharing my Heart and Journey
« Reply #82 on: July 16, 2020, 02:32:26 pm »
Hi. It's been a while since I posted. I just feel like I want to talk, and maybe get things off my chest, I don't know. I don't really have a lot of people I can talk to right now. I've chatted online a lot, but it wasn't about a lot of deep things. Anyway, I might post a bit more here again.

I've been at a loss for quite a while. The truth is this trans thing isn't easy for me. I so want to transition but I can't, because I care too much about what others think about me. It's not like I want to, it just happens. And my social anxiety isn't making it easy at all. I'm trying to build up to where I could present female more, but it's so hard. I dont know how I can do it. I so want to be a girl.
I am one, sure, but I don't always feel like that. The stupid socialization and everything is so strong, and it just sucks to go day to day struggling with my own conditioning and messes. I hate feeling like a guy, I don't want to. But I'm fighting, and I don't plan on giving up. I just wish it wasn't so darn hard. And a part of me doesn't seem to care or realize how important it is to me. I dont know if that makes sense, but I don't know how else to describe it. It might just be emotional stuff.

I feel so alone in some ways. Even talking with people, it doesn't feel like anyone truly understands me and would be there for me. I know I have to be able to be there for myself, it's just I've got issues, and I could use some help. and more support. I still need to be there for myself, and I'm still independent in some ways so it's not like I want people to do everything for me, but I really could use more of something somehow, and more connection. And love.

So far I'm just making really small steps when I can, and it's slow but at least I'm still trying. I'm not gonna give up, though it would be nice if I could make some nice leaps once in a while. The social front feels like such a big huge wall that I don't know how to climb or get around, I just don't know how I'm going to make it as a trans woman.

I don't mean to be pessimistic. But it's just honestly how I feel. And I'd rather be able to share that than putting up fake optimism. I'll find ways to be positive here and there, I'm sure. I'm going to move forward. I just have trouble too. I'll try my best.

Thanks for reading if you did. Feel free to comment or post here.
Ttyl.

Is there anyone specifically you care about what they think of you, Sarah? Or just people in general?

If it's someone specifically... who is it, and why do their opinions matter? And also what do you think they'll think of you if you transition?

If it's a more general thing... hmm.. it's been my experience that that comes about more because we care about what WE actually think about ourselves. And it stems from a deep seated fear of not being good enough. It's not actually that we care what other people think, as much as we're afraid other people will hate us. This stems from insecurity and a part of us which hates ourselves. Misery loves company, as they say. And when people feel that way, they look for the slightest validation that the way they're feeling is right. Low self worth, and low self esteem can lead to people being hypersensitive for the slightest negative reaction in other people. As a way to reinforce the way they're already feeling about themselves. People have to constantly try and be what everyone else wants them to be, because anything other than that only reinforces the self-hate they already have going on inside.

I don't know if that's what it is, Sarah, but it may be something to think about. And something to maybe work on before you think about steps towards transition. It's something that can be overcome, okay?

Whatever the case may be... sweetie, you will get there. *huggles*

I believe in you.
« Last Edit: July 16, 2020, 05:50:49 pm by Northern Star Girl »

Offline Sarah-Red

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Re: Sharing my Heart and Journey
« Reply #83 on: July 16, 2020, 04:16:49 pm »
Is there anyone specifically you care about what they think of you, Sarah? Or just people in general?

If it's someone specifically... who is it, and why do their opinions matter? And also what do you think they'll think of you if you transition?

If it's a more general thing... hmm.. it's been my experience that that comes about more because we care about what WE actually think about ourselves. And it stems from a deep seated fear of not being good enough. It's not actually that we care what other people think, as much as we're afraid other people will hate us. This stems from insecurity and a part of us which hates ourselves. Misery loves company, as they say. And when people feel that way, they look for the slightest validation that the way they're feeling is right. Low self worth, and low self esteem can lead to people being hypersensitive for the slightest negative reaction in other people. As a way to reinforce the way they're already feeling about themselves. People have to constantly try and be what everyone else wants them to be, because anything other than that only reinforces the self-hate they already have going on inside.

I don't know if that's what it is, Sarah, but it may be something to think about. And something to maybe work on before you think about steps towards transition. It's something that can be overcome, okay?

Whatever the case may be... sweetie, you will get there. *huggles*

I believe in you.

heyy.
It's people in general. I have trouble feeling ok and being myself around anyone. Certain types of people don't get to me as much, but yeah, and I don't deny there might be some complicated emotional mess within myself connected to it, but there's not much I can do I've had trouble with that for more than half my life, and that's without even the trans stuff. Even just wearing brighter stuff strains me a little. If I were to try and wear feminine clothes, or make up, I'd be anxious all the time and have a hard time in public. I just don't know the solution. It's a big wall.

I always try to stay open though. I have to, and sometimes things change a bit for the better. All I can do is try to stay open. Would like to know how to make things better too though.

Offline Sarah-Red

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Re: Sharing my Heart and Journey
« Reply #84 on: July 16, 2020, 08:41:09 pm »
I don't really know where else to talk or vent, and especially that a lot of what's on my mind (and heart) is the trans stuff. I haven't been able to see my psychologist but anyway he wasn't able to help me much. I wish I had a friend that I could just sit or lay and we'd listen to each other and be there to help support.

There hasn't even been any chance to meet lgbtq people in the area because of the quarantine. Most people here are traditional, and while I do have a friend nearby we hardly see each other anymore and besides him there's not really support around.

If I were in a better state I'd be better to find better stuff or places, or travel and meet more people. I dont know.
I guess I still have to keep focusing on myself and trying to get better, so that I can feel better to do more.

I'm going to calm down get back to small steps, since that's the best I can do for now. Sorry for being emotional, I'm trying my best XD

Online Northern Star Girl

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Re: Sharing my Heart and Journey
« Reply #85 on: July 16, 2020, 10:52:06 pm »
@Sarah-Red
Dear Sarah:
I am saddened to read of the issues that you are going through.
Your personal journal/bog thread is exactly the right place that you can "talk or vent" ... and do know that you have followers of your thread and your other postings around the Forums that you can consider your friends...
...and in fact, like-minded friends we are.  Most of us here can identify with much of what you are going through now.

Sharing your feelings, your successes, and your disappoints and failures is good therapy that allows you to write out and vent your feelings .... and permit you to think about and ponder your situation and hopefully think about and discover positive things that you can do to improve your situation.

One thing that I do is to try to think positively and be positive with my attitudes...  you might want to take a look at my following thread....   
                           Positive Mindset... put away negativity   
Go back to some of the very first posts of the thread.... some very good comments that can help you to not be negative about your situation....   negative thoughts are like poison to our minds.

You are correct about the Covid-19 quarantines that are raising havoc with our social lives and the ability to be with your friends and acquaintances on a regular basis... that is why you need to try hard to utilize forums threads and posts that you find useful and helpful to your personal situation.

I am wishing you well and trust that you will get back to your happy self soon.
HUGS and HUGS, and big giant HUG (below) from me for you.
Danielle

                               
***SEE MY LINKS BELOW
The Ramblings of a Northern*Star Girl
A New Chapter: ALASKAN DANIELLE's Chronicles
I am the HUNTED PREY: Danielle’s Chronicles
Things change re: ALASKAN DANIELLE
Positive Mindset... put away negativity

Started HRT:   March 2015
Went Full-Time    December 2016
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I'm a blonde, blue eyed woman, Age 41

Offline Sephirah

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Re: Sharing my Heart and Journey
« Reply #86 on: July 18, 2020, 04:28:21 pm »
heyy.
It's people in general. I have trouble feeling ok and being myself around anyone. Certain types of people don't get to me as much, but yeah, and I don't deny there might be some complicated emotional mess within myself connected to it, but there's not much I can do I've had trouble with that for more than half my life, and that's without even the trans stuff. Even just wearing brighter stuff strains me a little. If I were to try and wear feminine clothes, or make up, I'd be anxious all the time and have a hard time in public. I just don't know the solution. It's a big wall.

I always try to stay open though. I have to, and sometimes things change a bit for the better. All I can do is try to stay open. Would like to know how to make things better too though.

I had a feeling that was the case, Sarah.

Okay I'm going to go out on a limb here. People matter to you. More than they matter to most people. Because you don't feel sure about yourself. What other people think about you matters to you because you use it to form the basis for your own view about yourself. If the world around you likes you... you like you. You know?

I think a part of that comes from the issues you are dealing with. Thinking and questioning ones own identity leads to a whole mess of pitfalls and uncertainty. It's calling into question everything you thought you knew. And if someone isn't sure of themselves then they can use the world around them to be a litmus test of the person they are. To fill in the blanks, as it were.

Sarah, there is a lot you can do, sweetie. You don't have to be at the mercy of this. One step towards the solution is trying to understand why it matters so much to you what other people think. What effect on you other peoples' opinions have.

Let me ask you a question. Suppose you went out totally en femme. As much yourself as you could muster. And someone gave you an odd look. How would that make you feel? What would you immediately think to yourself?

Offline Sarah-Red

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Re: Sharing my Heart and Journey
« Reply #87 on: July 19, 2020, 02:55:46 pm »
I had a feeling that was the case, Sarah.

Okay I'm going to go out on a limb here. People matter to you. More than they matter to most people. Because you don't feel sure about yourself. What other people think about you matters to you because you use it to form the basis for your own view about yourself. If the world around you likes you... you like you. You know?

I think a part of that comes from the issues you are dealing with. Thinking and questioning ones own identity leads to a whole mess of pitfalls and uncertainty. It's calling into question everything you thought you knew. And if someone isn't sure of themselves then they can use the world around them to be a litmus test of the person they are. To fill in the blanks, as it were.

Sarah, there is a lot you can do, sweetie. You don't have to be at the mercy of this. One step towards the solution is trying to understand why it matters so much to you what other people think. What effect on you other peoples' opinions have.

Let me ask you a question. Suppose you went out totally en femme. As much yourself as you could muster. And someone gave you an odd look. How would that make you feel? What would you immediately think to yourself?

Thank you for your post hunn, you gave me things to think about. You're not wrong, there's a basis in me for how I view myself that's based on how others view me. I can be very insecure, and I guess it's a way that I validate myself or not. Thing is, it's ingrained emotionally. Probably ever since my teens. I don't really have direct access to it, I just emotionally feel those things and don't have my own strong sense of being, where I could just be myself and not care what others think. But I will definitely take your words to heart and try to see what I can do with that.

I don't know why it matters so much to me. I guess because I feel the world has more power than me? That I'm like at the whim of others and society.

If someone would give me an odd look, I'd feel bad. I would probably demean myself and feel out of sorts. It's hard for me to maintain my composure and strength if they feel judgmentally or mockingly about me.
The worst might be the anxiousness tho, when not knowing how people think or feel about me. I can't know what others think and feel, and that feels really bad emotionally.
Just being honest for how it is for me.

@Sarah-Red
Dear Sarah:
...

Danielle thanks for your post too. I think though that positivity isn't always what's called for, like when someone needs to feel through and process harsher feelings. But yes ultimately someone would want to get back to positivity, that's what feels good and works well for happiness ;)

Offline Sephirah

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Re: Sharing my Heart and Journey
« Reply #88 on: July 19, 2020, 03:17:08 pm »
I can be very insecure, and I guess it's a way that I validate myself or not. Thing is, it's ingrained emotionally. Probably ever since my teens. I don't really have direct access to it, I just emotionally feel those things and don't have my own strong sense of being, where I could just be myself and not care what others think.

The thing is, an emotional response is often a reaction to an experience we went through. And a sort of reaction by our subconscious based on the reasoning of our conscious mind. As an example: Suppose something happens to you one day at school. A public event where you feel humiliated, where you feel like everyone is laughing at you. Like you weren't good enough at something and those around you made you feel small.

The reaction of the conscious, analytical mind is blame. To blame yourself, to believe you aren't capable, or able to do things you need to do. Your conscious mind decides it needs to bring in the National Guard, so you never feel that way again. So it gives an order down into the deeper, subconscious part of the mind. The part which speaks in imagery and emotion. And to stop you feeling that way again, your emotions make you avoid situations where you can't control what other people think. Where doing something outside, what you consider, their boundaries make you feel anxious. Where you're constantly seeking approval in order that you never feel the way you felt at that time. It's a defence mechanism.

This is your mind screaming at you that "You shouldn't do this because the thing which happened before might happen again! And you might feel the same way!" Often based on ONE thing which happened back during a formative time in your life, while you were still vulnerable and learning who you are. Those kinds of things can stick with people for a lifetime. Just ask anyone here who was bullied in school, or treated badly, the kinds of effects it can have on them. You may have forgotten the thing in question, but it's effects are ongoing because the deep parts of your mind haven't forgotten. The mind learns a script which it carves in stone. No matter what happens later on in life. You can be perfectly happy and well adjusted later on in life, but those emotional remnants are still there because somewhere, buried, is this thorn in your mind which is causing you to instinctively feel this way.

Pulling that thorn out is how you start to heal, sweetie. :)

Offline Sarah-Red

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Re: Sharing my Heart and Journey
« Reply #89 on: July 19, 2020, 03:32:11 pm »
The thing is, an emotional response is often a reaction to an experience we went through. And a sort of reaction by our subconscious based on the reasoning of our conscious mind. As an example: Suppose something happens to you one day at school. A public event where you feel humiliated, where you feel like everyone is laughing at you. Like you weren't good enough at something and those around you made you feel small.

The reaction of the conscious, analytical mind is blame. To blame yourself, to believe you aren't capable, or able to do things you need to do. Your conscious mind decides it needs to bring in the National Guard, so you never feel that way again. So it gives an order down into the deeper, subconscious part of the mind. The part which speaks in imagery and emotion. And to stop you feeling that way again, your emotions make you avoid situations where you can't control what other people think. Where doing something outside, what you consider, their boundaries make you feel anxious. Where you're constantly seeking approval in order that you never feel the way you felt at that time. It's a defence mechanism.

This is your mind screaming at you that "You shouldn't do this because the thing which happened before might happen again! And you might feel the same way!" Often based on ONE thing which happened back during a formative time in your life, while you were still vulnerable and learning who you are. Those kinds of things can stick with people for a lifetime. Just ask anyone here who was bullied in school, or treated badly, the kinds of effects it can have on them. You may have forgotten the thing in question, but it's effects are ongoing because the deep parts of your mind haven't forgotten. The mind learns a script which it carves in stone. No matter what happens later on in life. You can be perfectly happy and well adjusted later on in life, but those emotional remnants are still there because somewhere, buried, is this thorn in your mind which is causing you to instinctively feel this way.

Pulling that thorn out is how you start to heal, sweetie. :)

I have heard things like that before, though I don't really feel like the old event is what's ingrained, but I don't deny it can affect someone and their emotions (or start ingraining something)

When I was young, there was one part that might have added to how self-conscious I was in my teens. It was a time that groups were forming, and certain people were being shunned. I wasn't liked by certain people, and they happened go have a bit more sway on other people I guess. I didn't expect my friends to care about that, and in a way it's possible they didn't, but what happened is that even my friends kinda decided to shun me, for a while, i dont remember how long, maybe a month. When I would try to go to them, they would go somewhere else. And I think they mocked me as well. I felt pretty alone since my friends went against me and the others in the grade were going a bit along the trend, so I was pretty much dejected at that point. I remember there was a time that one of the 'popular' guys followed me after the bus and punched me in the stomach. I told someone at school and it was hard not to cry while he had all of us in the same room trying to find out what happened. I remember it because I tried really hard to suppress it and not be seen as a cry baby in their eyes.

Anyway. I do sometimes wonder if that experience affected me later on, or if puberty just triggered the self-consciousness. I had to watch everything I did because I didn't want to seem weird in the eyes of others. I started caring too much what others thought of me, and didn't have as much of my own fun around.

Offline Sephirah

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Re: Sharing my Heart and Journey
« Reply #90 on: July 19, 2020, 03:52:23 pm »
I have heard things like that before, though I don't really feel like the old event is what's ingrained, but I don't deny it can affect someone and their emotions (or start ingraining something)

When I was young, there was one part that might have added to how self-conscious I was in my teens. It was a time that groups were forming, and certain people were being shunned. I wasn't liked by certain people, and they happened go have a bit more sway on other people I guess. I didn't expect my friends to care about that, and in a way it's possible they didn't, but what happened is that even my friends kinda decided to shun me, for a while, i dont remember how long, maybe a month. When I would try to go to them, they would go somewhere else. And I think they mocked me as well. I felt pretty alone since my friends went against me and the others in the grade were going a bit along the trend, so I was pretty much dejected at that point. I remember there was a time that one of the 'popular' guys followed me after the bus and punched me in the stomach. I told someone at school and it was hard not to cry while he had all of us in the same room trying to find out what happened. I remember it because I tried really hard to suppress it and not be seen as a cry baby in their eyes.

Anyway. I do sometimes wonder if that experience affected me later on, or if puberty just triggered the self-consciousness. I had to watch everything I did because I didn't want to seem weird in the eyes of others. I started caring too much what others thought of me, and didn't have as much of my own fun around.

Sweetie, I am so sorry that happened to you. I can relate very much. Probably more than you know, actually. But this isn't about me. Your friends are the people you depend on the most. Especially at that age. They're your rock. The people you think you can always trust to have your back. And if they turn on you then you feel cast adrift with no idea where to turn. I get that.

When something happens at that age, while you're still finding yourself, it can lay down roots which last well into adulthood. Because our minds never really grow up. We lay down beliefs and thought patterns in those years which never change. We stubbornly cling to them. We create a system of beliefs based on that which last for years, until we start to question them and ask if they still hold true in the life we have now. Some people never do that, and suffer self-esteem problems for years and years. Mostly because they don't know where it's coming from. Because they don't realise that their minds are reading from a script which is like 20 or 30 years out of date.

When you're a kid, or a teenager, peoples' opinions matter to you the most. You're still finding your place in the world. Still learning what it means to have relationships. You aren't at a place in your life where you're strong enough to find out who YOU are as a person, and be firm in that belief. Everything is based on what everyone else thinks. And if traumatic experiences happen to you, they stick. Because the emotion and mental reasoning is so much more raw than it would be when you're an adult. For teenagers going through puberty, a good deal of the way they live their lives is based wholly on emotion, because of all the hormones racing through their bodies. It's like opening the deepest part of yourself to the world with no filters.

This is a dangerous time. A time where you're very, very vulnerable. And things like what you described can have a massive impact which lasts long into adulthood, sweetie. Even if looking back on it, you think it was insignificant. You didn't think it was insignificant at the time, and neither did your mental defence mechanisms.

So what's happened is that you're living now with your brain reading from a set of rules it laid down years ago, and one which it still thinks is relevant because you've never known enough about it to start to challenge the assumptions you made back then. To see if they still apply to you, and to see if you're the same person.

This is how you start to get past this, sweetie. This is a big part of what happens when people get therapy to help deal with self-esteem issues. It's about learning these scripts we're reading from and starting to challenge them, to see if they still apply to you today, or if you're in a place where you can move past them and start writing new ones. :)

Offline Sarah-Red

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Re: Sharing my Heart and Journey
« Reply #91 on: July 19, 2020, 04:45:44 pm »
Sweetie, I am so sorry that happened to you. I can relate very much. Probably more than you know, actually. But this isn't about me. Your friends are the people you depend on the most. Especially at that age. They're your rock. The people you think you can always trust to have your back. And if they turn on you then you feel cast adrift with no idea where to turn. I get that.

When something happens at that age, while you're still finding yourself, it can lay down roots which last well into adulthood. Because our minds never really grow up. We lay down beliefs and thought patterns in those years which never change. We stubbornly cling to them. We create a system of beliefs based on that which last for years, until we start to question them and ask if they still hold true in the life we have now. Some people never do that, and suffer self-esteem problems for years and years. Mostly because they don't know where it's coming from. Because they don't realise that their minds are reading from a script which is like 20 or 30 years out of date.

When you're a kid, or a teenager, peoples' opinions matter to you the most. You're still finding your place in the world. Still learning what it means to have relationships. You aren't at a place in your life where you're strong enough to find out who YOU are as a person, and be firm in that belief. Everything is based on what everyone else thinks. And if traumatic experiences happen to you, they stick. Because the emotion and mental reasoning is so much more raw than it would be when you're an adult. For teenagers going through puberty, a good deal of the way they live their lives is based wholly on emotion, because of all the hormones racing through their bodies. It's like opening the deepest part of yourself to the world with no filters.

This is a dangerous time. A time where you're very, very vulnerable. And things like what you described can have a massive impact which lasts long into adulthood, sweetie. Even if looking back on it, you think it was insignificant. You didn't think it was insignificant at the time, and neither did your mental defence mechanisms.

So what's happened is that you're living now with your brain reading from a set of rules it laid down years ago, and one which it still thinks is relevant because you've never known enough about it to start to challenge the assumptions you made back then. To see if they still apply to you, and to see if you're the same person.

This is how you start to get past this, sweetie. This is a big part of what happens when people get therapy to help deal with self-esteem issues. It's about learning these scripts we're reading from and starting to challenge them, to see if they still apply to you today, or if you're in a place where you can move past them and start writing new ones. :)

Thanks for giving me something to think about. I do have to admit that to me it does feel insignificant at this point. But besides a few points in my life, I can definitely see how similar some things or feelings are compared to how i felt as a teen. Some part of me not having grown up, and kept a same script is definitely possible XD I havent all grown up lol.

I don't think it explains how powerful the anxiety has been at times, but I definitely have some insecurity to work on one way or another.
It's hard to see myself as if I can have enough to feel like others' thoughts dont matter. Guess it's a good reason to investigate a little though. ;)

Offline Sarah-Red

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Re: Sharing my Heart and Journey
« Reply #92 on: September 02, 2020, 09:02:32 pm »
Well, time's moving on by. I'm very slow for transitioning, there's lots I have to settle within myself. But I'm not going to give up, I just need to take my time is all. I'm still on hormones, and emotionally I feel like I'm starting to change in more ways. I'm more attracted to some men now, which I wasn't anticipating. It doesn't bother me, though I have some more things to settle within myself because of it, but at this stage in my life, I just want love and affection. If a guy likes me, then why not. I'm still always going to love women, there's no way I won't. It's just the new feelings have some pull, I've been fantasizing more about men than women in the last week or more. I'm also a bit starved for physical touch, so I think that's driving some of my fantasies too.

I'm more determined to be true to myself about my feminine gender, even if some things might take time. Ideally they wouldn't, but I'm just trying to give myself whatever buffer I need as well. I'm happy as a girl. I want that to be in my life.

I'm trying to be able to accept myself and work on myself as well. It's not always easy, there's lots of things about me I'm not satisfied, but at least there's more things I feel good about now, and the hormones are changing some things a little. I still hope a lot more can change to a way that gives me hope and happiness. I just have to stay open and find more ways to be open to what's possible, and not feel so bad about what's not there. It's also emotional, not just physical, and I have things I can do there as well.

Well that's it for my small update for now. Nothing really more to say. I've ordered enough clothes for now that I like. It's more unisex for now, but it'll do for a while until I feel like I can go further.

Hope everyone's doing well.

Online Northern Star Girl

  • Previously Alaskan Danielle
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Re: Sharing my Heart and Journey
« Reply #93 on: September 02, 2020, 09:21:12 pm »
@Sarah-Red
Dear Sarah:
I read your last posting with heartfelt interest and my best wishes going out to you.

Yes, going slowly and carefully with your transition journey is wise....
.. .never give up, never surrender (Galaxy Quest reference)

Certainly love and affection... and physical touch is what almost all of us desire....  I trust and hope that you will safely find and experience what you are looking for.

Self-acceptance and self-confidence are essential elements in our transition successes...  continue working on those things along with your transition details.

HUGS and more HUGS, best wishes from my heart! 
Danielle


***SEE MY LINKS BELOW
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A New Chapter: ALASKAN DANIELLE's Chronicles
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Started HRT:   March 2015
Went Full-Time    December 2016
Quit my male-mode job and relocated to a very small town in Alaska in January 2017
I'm a blonde, blue eyed woman, Age 41

Offline Sarah-Red

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Re: Sharing my Heart and Journey
« Reply #94 on: September 03, 2020, 10:07:22 am »
Well I have some dysphoria today, not sure why it's stronger than in the last while. I'm trying my best to find back my balance. Unless I just need to process some of the feelings, I dunno. Feeling like I can't pass is the bad feeling I have trouble with.

@Sarah-Red
Dear Sarah:
I read your last posting with heartfelt interest and my best wishes going out to you.

Yes, going slowly and carefully with your transition journey is wise....
.. .never give up, never surrender (Galaxy Quest reference)

Certainly love and affection... and physical touch is what almost all of us desire....  I trust and hope that you will safely find and experience what you are looking for.

Self-acceptance and self-confidence are essential elements in our transition successes...  continue working on those things along with your transition details.

HUGS and more HUGS, best wishes from my heart! 
Danielle


Thanks Danielle, I appreciate the sentiments. I don't want to give up, that's for sure. That would just make things worse :O
I'm trying my best to learn to stay open.

Offline Sarah-Red

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Re: Sharing my Heart and Journey
« Reply #95 on: November 28, 2020, 01:29:48 am »
It's been a while since I posted again. I just haven't really known what to do or say around my trans journey.
It's still always going to be something too important to not think about, and do what I can, it's just hard to make steps for some things.

I still struggle with my own acceptance, feels like I'm fighting with my own feelings often, maybe it's my conditioning, maybe it's my anxiety, I don't know. I'll never give up, it's just hard sometimes to feel like myself, in my heart. I'll still dream..

Today I was talking with a new friend, and she's a bit religious, so it wasn't the best talk around lgbtq stuff. It stirred a few negative things again, it's just too bad that some people don't have more openness to understand how some things around being trans are important, and that this is.. our journey, and we'd deserve to be listened to to be understood better. I have feelings, and my heart, and I'll never give up on my identity as a woman, because it's important to me. I just wish life were easier, and that I could feel happy more, and more hopeful too really. I'm not saying I can't, just that things can feel tough. I do want things to feel easeful. I want to feel good in myself too.


Anyway, just felt like making a small post for now, maybe venting a bit. I'll keep keeping on and try to be there for myself, and see what I can do, walking forward.

Offline davina61

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Re: Sharing my Heart and Journey
« Reply #96 on: November 28, 2020, 03:50:12 am »
It always amazes me how so called religious people can be so bigoted  when the bible says Jesus welcomes all with open arms. I am lucky that around here every one seems accepting , its just the random misgendering is now getting to me.
 Saying that a lot of folk are so unobservant , wearing my work clothes thats all they see.
a long time coming (out) HRT 12 2017


Jill of all trades mistress of non
Know a bit about everything but not enough to be clever.
I get pushed out of shape and its hard to steer when I get rubber in all 4 gears (Beach Boys ,little deuce coupe)

Offline Sarah-Red

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Re: Sharing my Heart and Journey
« Reply #97 on: November 28, 2020, 11:13:20 am »
It always amazes me how so called religious people can be so bigoted  when the bible says Jesus welcomes all with open arms. I am lucky that around here every one seems accepting , its just the random misgendering is now getting to me.
 Saying that a lot of folk are so unobservant , wearing my work clothes thats all they see.

That's definitely a kind of contradiction in what they follow, if they believe in love.
She seemed to be 'more' accepting than others the first time we talked, at a friend's house, but with the talk we had yesterday she was defending someone who said that lgbtq was unnatural, and saying all sorts of things, it was just sad that she did that. Anyway, it would take acceptance and also to listen to those who are lgbtq to understand that it's how we are, not something to be argued against. We need acceptance and could use some compassion.

In other news, I really really want to find how I can possibly have my hair back, I've posted about it before, but it's really bothering me today, that I can't seem to find how to grow back my hair. Hair transplants cost way too much, so I don't know when or if I could get that, so I'm desperate to know what could help me. I don't want to be desperate, it's just a big thing for me, and I really want that to be and feel normal and good.

I'll keep keeping on for now, and see where things go, it's just it would be really nice to gain ground. I'll try to relax too as much as I can.

Offline Sephirah

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Re: Sharing my Heart and Journey
« Reply #98 on: November 28, 2020, 02:31:31 pm »
It always amazes me how so called religious people can be so bigoted  when the bible says Jesus welcomes all with open arms. I am lucky that around here every one seems accepting , its just the random misgendering is now getting to me.
 Saying that a lot of folk are so unobservant , wearing my work clothes thats all they see.

I suspect a lot of it comes down to fear. Religious people aren't only taught the good parts of whatever religion they believe. They're also taught what will happen to them if they don't follow that religion. Which almost universally involves some kind of horrific punishment the likes of which they've never seen. Hell... by many names. You aren't supposed to only love your chosen deity, you're supposed to also be afraid of "not" loving. Be good as long as that good only includes the people deemed "worthy". Yeah... no.

Which is most of the reason I'm not religious. I think it's one big mindjob.

Everyone has the right to be treated as though they know what's best for themselves. Who they are, and what they want. To not do so is self-righteous, selfish, and self-centred. But people are like that, sometimes. Especially where a... deity (read "Magical Space Wizard") is involved.

In other news, I really really want to find how I can possibly have my hair back, I've posted about it before, but it's really bothering me today, that I can't seem to find how to grow back my hair. Hair transplants cost way too much, so I don't know when or if I could get that, so I'm desperate to know what could help me. I don't want to be desperate, it's just a big thing for me, and I really want that to be and feel normal and good.

I'll keep keeping on for now, and see where things go, it's just it would be really nice to gain ground. I'll try to relax too as much as I can.

The mods will probably remove this, but try Rogaine. In the UK it's known as Regaine.

Offline Sarah-Red

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Re: Sharing my Heart and Journey
« Reply #99 on: November 28, 2020, 03:51:19 pm »
Everyone has the right to be treated as though they know what's best for themselves. Who they are, and what they want. To not do so is self-righteous, selfish, and self-centred. But people are like that, sometimes. Especially where a... deity (read "Magical Space Wizard") is involved.

The mods will probably remove this, but try Rogaine. In the UK it's known as Regaine.

Heyy. it's been a bit. Hope youre well.

We've talked about rogaine before, minoxidil. My endo told me it probably wouldn't do much, though some people do have results with it, but once you start it you have to keep on it or you'll lose the hair you've gained. And I really don't like having to rely on a product. I'm not saying I might not try it in the future, but I don't feel good about doing so, and I don't know how much it can help either.

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