Author Topic: Chapter 4: Becoming Emma  (Read 10469 times)

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Offline Emma1017

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Re: Chapter 4: Becoming Emma
« Reply #120 on: August 12, 2020, 03:22:29 pm »
“ The need for absolute certainty that you have, and the fact that you refuse to face the obvious truth, is harming your mental health, I believe.”

You noticed that Ellie.  I absolutely agree.  At this point after 2 1/2 years of therapy, I have been diagnosed as transgender by two psychiatrists, a psychologist and an endocrinologist.  I have exhausted every other option so when I go for surgery I do so with absolute certainty that I have made the right decision.
  The heart has reasons that reason can not understand.

             My Transgender Manifesto

Offline Sarah-Red

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Re: Chapter 4: Becoming Emma
« Reply #121 on: August 12, 2020, 08:10:05 pm »
I don't understand how you are on hormones if you have not committed?

I will have to go through a 90-minute consultation with a psychologist or a psychiatrist to get a diagnosis that will eventually lead to hormones. I know this is the right path for me; my experience of life tells me that. I have taken so many steps already towards transition and I am happy that I have taken those steps, even though there are some things that I would rather were not the case. I accept that it is more difficult in the UK than in many other countries, of course...

I'm on hormones and I don't feel committed at all. It was basically because I couldn't stand to not do anything, and it's easy enough to hide for a while. The next steps are the hardest, if I can even go there. I might delay it.
I'm glad that it sounds like both you and Emma are gonna take the steps.

Offline Emma1017

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Re: Chapter 4: Becoming Emma
« Reply #122 on: August 12, 2020, 09:49:26 pm »
Sarah honestly it has been three years of excruciatingly slow baby steps and lots of doubt with every step.  Each painful step has been marked by my endless postings on these threads.  It’s definitely not over but at least I know who I am. That is at least progress.   :)


  The heart has reasons that reason can not understand.

             My Transgender Manifesto

Offline Emma1017

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Re: Chapter 4: Becoming Emma
« Reply #123 on: August 13, 2020, 10:55:02 am »

I have been watching a series of YouTubes by Dr. Z and if you ignore her Russian accent I found a lot of help with my gender dysphoria.  This one really touched home for me right now:

             



  The heart has reasons that reason can not understand.

             My Transgender Manifesto

Offline Ellie_Arroway

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Re: Chapter 4: Becoming Emma
« Reply #124 on: August 13, 2020, 12:46:59 pm »
I hope that helps you, Emma. I've seen quite a few of her videos too.
Started seriously questioning: 24 Aug 2019
Referred to GIC: 23 Sep 2019
Full-time female presentation since: 21 Oct 2019, unbroken since 12 Dec 2019
Official name change by deed poll: 11 Nov 2019
HRT: "kind of" started 15 Jul 2020
Most of my story is in the Just another mtf tale thread!
Twitch streamer MusicEllie

Offline Sarah-Red

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Re: Chapter 4: Becoming Emma
« Reply #125 on: August 14, 2020, 08:29:03 am »
Sarah honestly it has been three years of excruciatingly slow baby steps and lots of doubt with every step.  Each painful step has been marked by my endless postings on these threads.  It’s definitely not over but at least I know who I am. That is at least progress.   :)

I understand that totally, since I'm in the same kind of boat. I'm used to dealing with things on my own, but definitely there's some things i could've and still could use some help on . The social component is just too hard for me at the time.

All we can do is make the steps we can. I do hope you remember to love yourself too :)

Offline Emma1017

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Re: Chapter 4: Becoming Emma
« Reply #126 on: August 14, 2020, 08:55:51 am »
Ellie I have found her videos very helpful.  Glad you have found them valuable as well.

Sarah thank you for your thoughts.  Fortunately, in spite of my postings here, my life is not a dismal dark dungeon of self-pity.  I do laugh and I do appreciate the quality of my life.  Gender dysphoria is a dominant thought but not the only one.

I read an interesting article that I reminded me of my "15 Second" Rule.  I follow it absolutely.  It states: "In the last 15 seconds of my life I don't want to say: "I should have done something that was within my capacity to do.""  I use that to deal with any sense of guilt I may feel.  If I am at fault, I fix it.

The article discussed Victor Frankl’s book Man’s Search for Meaning.   I read this years ago.  Most people evaluate where they are now and where they want to be 3, 5, or 10 years into the future in setting goals. In contrast, Frankl relayed a story suggesting setting your priorities and goals by looking back over your life from your imagined deathbed.

This struck an obvious cord.  I will adhere to my 15 Second Rule.  I will transition.


Hugs,

Emma
  The heart has reasons that reason can not understand.

             My Transgender Manifesto

Offline Emma1017

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Re: Chapter 4: Becoming Emma
« Reply #127 on: August 15, 2020, 11:30:37 am »

For the next two weeks I am giving myself a gender holiday.  My wife and I have had gentle trans and HRT conversations so the subject never totally disappears but I don't want to club her with my final decision to transition.  I want these two weeks with some peace and I just want to enjoy the rest of this summer quarantine without feeling or inflicting pain.
 
The September appointments with the GCS surgeon for consultation and the two day electrolysis appointment in Chicago will rush the conversation soon enough.
  The heart has reasons that reason can not understand.

             My Transgender Manifesto

Offline Emma1017

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Re: Chapter 4: Becoming Emma
« Reply #128 on: August 16, 2020, 09:08:08 am »
I wrote this a while ago and I don't remember if I shared this here.  Sorry if I am being redundant, a regular part of my thread :):

                                               Male Invincibility

Until I discovered I was transgender, I had 60 years of living with male privilege. For me it has been a two-edged sword. Arguably male privilege has its advantages, all well documented with extremely valid points made by so many writers. No need to be repetitive here (on the website Medium).

But for someone who has lived a lifetime suppressing their gender to meet all of the requirements of being male, the privileges have come with a very painful price tag, suppression of my soul. I was confined to a role and sure, the role had benefits, but it was still a role.

It wasn’t me.

For 60 years I wasn’t sure what I was but I was well trained to be a guy. I was invincible. I walked the streets at any time, day or night, and had no fear. I might get mugged for money but no one wanted to force sex on me. I had that privilege and I find now that, since I will probably change my gender, that privilege was enormously overlooked.

Strangely, with only a year and a half on HRT and totally presenting as male, I have had a very minor hint of a feeling of vulnerability. I feel it on the subway at night and sometimes during the day. It is an alien sensation that I have never felt before. It is unsettling and it will be a permanent part of the life I am choosing.

I will no longer be able to take my surrounding for granted. I won’t be able to comfortably have a late night drink on the way home alone. Dark streets are more threatening and groups of guys are more menacing. A guy walking behind me is a potential danger I can’t ignore.

And the lack of privilege doesn’t stop there. I have heard from other transwoman that even in their same profession, their opinion is suddenly less valid and sometimes totally ignored. Others have resorted to using their male voice when dealing bureaucratic difficulties on the telephone. They now feel totally isolated by politics and feel the contempt that religions hold for their gender.

I need to accept the fact that I am surrendering my male privilege card to just be me. I strongly believe that the trade is worth it. I have spent the last three years painfully proving it to myself.

My physical world will shrink a little but it will be replaced with one that I can breathe in. I am leaving behind a world of the emotionally color blind for a world in emotional Technicolor. I am opening my heart up in a way that has never seen the light of day before and my soul will finally be able to feel the peace and joy of being, simply me.

Look I know that this path will have a lot of perils and pain but after a lifetime of role playing it is exciting to finally play the role I was meant to play. It is the role of a lifetime. I finally get to be me.

I can’t wait.

  The heart has reasons that reason can not understand.

             My Transgender Manifesto

Offline Sarah-Red

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Re: Chapter 4: Becoming Emma
« Reply #129 on: August 16, 2020, 09:40:15 am »
It's interesting that you had that experience and perspective with being male. For me, I don't deny maleness protected me, but it was a prison. I didn't feel any or much privilege, because it felt like I couldn't be me, it felt like I was trapped. Everyone looks at being male as if you have so much you can do, but you're actually so limited, at least when it comes to femininity, without being mocked or looked funny. I felt inadequate, and like I didn't deserve to be myself. I don't see any privilege in that :/

Anyway, that's a bit biased with how i've felt in the last while of my life. I didn't really exactly see it that way before, but I still would think that I'm wearing a mask most of the time, and that I wasnt really being myself naturally.

Anyway. It's good that we'd like to be ourselves ;)

Offline Emma1017

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Re: Chapter 4: Becoming Emma
« Reply #130 on: August 16, 2020, 12:55:34 pm »
Sarah I truly hope you are feeling better about yourself now  and see your happiness as you look forward.

I always felt a disconnect throughout my life but I adapted.  I do that pretty well.  I have always had a protected inner core that few ever were allowed entry.  I guess there was another, smaller core that even I was unaware of until three years ago.  This learning experience has been brutally painful as these threads have shared.  My hope is that others find some valuable in its telling.

I wish that I was still ignorant of Emma sometimes for all the joy her discovery has brought me.  Speaking entirely for myself, the discovery has brought so much pain and has created so much despair in my quiet moments it becomes completely blinding to all the joy of self-realization and expression that others have expressed in finally being themselves, being authentic.

I am feeling a very lonely bleakness right now that I hope to conquer with the choices I will make.  It is not a way to be or live a life.


Wishing you joy and happiness,

Emma
  The heart has reasons that reason can not understand.

             My Transgender Manifesto

Offline Sarah-Red

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Re: Chapter 4: Becoming Emma
« Reply #131 on: August 16, 2020, 02:33:46 pm »
Wishing you happiness too Emma.

When someone mentions the pain being more there than the pleasures and the joy, I have to pull back because it just never sounds right XD I think it should definitely be a source of joy more than the pain, I'd like to believe that. It's just all the attachments, you know? The attachment to the protective gear, and others' attachment to use being like we 'should' be instead of who we are.

We are who we are. And we deserve to be happy. ;)

Offline Emma1017

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Re: Chapter 4: Becoming Emma
« Reply #132 on: August 16, 2020, 03:38:27 pm »
Sarah I know it is:  "It's just all the attachments, you know? The attachment to the protective gear, and others' attachment" but that attachment is my wife.  It is a redundant theme of this thread.

and I agree:  "We are who we are. And we deserve to be happy."

If the disease is gender in-congruence and the cure is transitioning how can I choose a lifetime of gender dysphoria? 

I already know the answer. :)
  The heart has reasons that reason can not understand.

             My Transgender Manifesto

Offline Sarah-Red

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Re: Chapter 4: Becoming Emma
« Reply #133 on: August 16, 2020, 04:03:40 pm »
Sarah I know it is:  "It's just all the attachments, you know? The attachment to the protective gear, and others' attachment" but that attachment is my wife.  It is a redundant theme of this thread.

and I agree:  "We are who we are. And we deserve to be happy."

If the disease is gender in-congruence and the cure is transitioning how can I choose a lifetime of gender dysphoria? 

I already know the answer. :)

Yes I think you have the answer.

As for a spouse. Of course there's attachment.. but a person isn't an attachment :P A person gets attached when they let their love go too far into 'need', into dependency. We're all learning to be ourselves and accept others for who they are. It may have gotten all the way to marriage, but someone is either happy or not happy after they find something out about their partner that they didn't know before. Relationships come and go, it's a harsh lesson that I've had to learn myself. When it doesn't work, it doesn't work. If it can, then good, but it's better to know when to hold them and when to fold them, you know? ;p But I haven't been in a long lasting one, so I'm not totally in the same boat, I can only speak from my own vantage point ;)

So what I'm saying is that, we can't let attachments stop us from being who we really are :)

Offline Emma1017

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Re: Chapter 4: Becoming Emma
« Reply #134 on: August 17, 2020, 09:29:17 pm »
Some how I will be OK.  :)
  The heart has reasons that reason can not understand.

             My Transgender Manifesto

Offline Emma1017

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Re: Chapter 4: Becoming Emma
« Reply #135 on: August 18, 2020, 11:59:07 pm »
So I had to go into Manhattan for  blood test for my hormones yesterday and I sneaked in a last visit to Donna's before she leaves for California on Sunday. 






I think I need to invest in some SPANX... ;D
  The heart has reasons that reason can not understand.

             My Transgender Manifesto

Offline davina61

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Re: Chapter 4: Becoming Emma
« Reply #136 on: August 19, 2020, 02:30:55 am »
110% Emma .
a long time coming (out) HRT 12 2017


Jill of all trades mistress of non
Know a bit about everything but not enough to be clever

Offline Sarah-Red

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Re: Chapter 4: Becoming Emma
« Reply #137 on: August 19, 2020, 08:20:06 am »
Looking good Emma! ;)

Offline Jessica_Rose

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Re: Chapter 4: Becoming Emma
« Reply #138 on: August 19, 2020, 09:01:06 am »
Emma, don't worry about Spanx. Your beautiful smile is all that people will notice.

I completely agree with your post about 'Male Invincibility'. Females are more of a target, and transgender females even more so. We no longer have that cloak of invisibility, and we must be aware of our surroundings at all times. So far I have not been in a situation where I felt threatened, but we must be prepared to protect ourselves. It is odd to feel vulnerable now, unfortunately that is the price we must pay to allow our souls to escape the darkness. For me, it's worth it.
Journal - Jessica's Rose Garden
National Coming Out Day video - Coming Out
GCS - GCS and BA with Dr. Ley on 21 Feb 2019
GCS II and FFS - GCS II and FFS with Dr. Ley on 26 July 2019
FFS II - FFS II with Dr. Ley on 13 Oct 2020
23Mar2017 Started Estradiol / 16Feb2018 Full Time! / 21Feb2019 GCS / 26July2019 GCS II & FFS

Don't let others tell you who you are. Be yourself, the world will adjust.

Offline Pammie

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Re: Chapter 4: Becoming Emma
« Reply #139 on: August 19, 2020, 02:40:06 pm »
So I had to go into Manhattan for  blood test for my hormones yesterday and I sneaked in a last visit to Donna's before she leaves for California on Sunday. 






I think I need to invest in some SPANX... ;D
Gorgeous pics!! Xxx


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