Author Topic: Chapter 4: Becoming Emma  (Read 5906 times)

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Offline Emma1017

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Re: Chapter 4: Becoming Emma
« Reply #20 on: July 28, 2020, 05:51:08 am »
Kim I have missed your sweetest "I am calling you out on that." buckets of cold water  ;D.  But you have plenty of company willing to do it for you on this site ;D.

Alice I like your update: "As I have been told by more than a few people here it is a matter of understanding and accepting who you are, not who you have been told you are."  This is all such a head game.


Hugs,

Emma


[img[/img]The heart has reasons that reason can not understand.

             My Transgender Manifesto

Offline Emma1017

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Re: Chapter 4: Becoming Emma
« Reply #21 on: July 28, 2020, 08:24:35 pm »

Tonight my wife and I went for a walk.  We watched a perfect sunset and chatted with various neighbors.  It was one of those simple, lovely summer evenings.

I asked myself for the billionth time how could I give this all up.  I know that it won't all disappear but it will change. 

Alice, I was thinking about what you just wrote: "Like yourself I battled this for all it is worth. All of my old entries within Susan's was about fighting my dysphoria."  It truly is an epic personal battle.  One that is fought all most entirely in our own heads.  I wish others could see the incredible emotion pyrotechnics we suffer through.  It would be an amazing fireworks display.

I hope, sometime in the future, I will look back on this brutally painful experience with all that I am risking and say:

"It was worth it".


Hugs,

Emma





[img[/img]The heart has reasons that reason can not understand.

             My Transgender Manifesto

Offline EllenW

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Re: Chapter 4: Becoming Emma
« Reply #22 on: July 28, 2020, 09:24:16 pm »

I asked myself for the billionth time how could I give this all up.  I know that it won't all disappear but it will change. 


Emma

That is the same thing I thought for decades before stating to transition. I went slow and allowed my wife to work things out and she is now accepting that her soul mate is another women (Me  ;) )

Yes things are different for the two of us, but it is also better since we no longer have this 300 pound gorella (transgendism).

Go slow and work with your wife and I believe you can have a wonderful life together

Hugs
Ellen
Known all my life I was different
Started to live part time as my true self in 2010
HRT January 2018
Full time at work Febuary 2018
Legal name and gender change January 2019

Offline Alice

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    • The Battle Within
Re: Chapter 4: Becoming Emma
« Reply #23 on: July 28, 2020, 10:19:07 pm »
Tonight my wife and I went for a walk.  We watched a perfect sunset and chatted with various neighbors.  It was one of those simple, lovely summer evenings.

I asked myself for the billionth time how could I give this all up.  I know that it won't all disappear but it will change. 

Alice, I was thinking about what you just wrote: "Like yourself I battled this for all it is worth. All of my old entries within Susan's was about fighting my dysphoria."  It truly is an epic personal battle.  One that is fought all most entirely in our own heads.  I wish others could see the incredible emotion pyrotechnics we suffer through.  It would be an amazing fireworks display.

I hope, sometime in the future, I will look back on this brutally painful experience with all that I am risking and say:

"It was worth it".


Hugs,

Emma

Emma,

If you are interested I written my story (see wordpress link at the bottom of my signature). I titled my story "The Battle Within" as I also found it is a battle within my head.

In the end, stopping the fight is all that matters.

Alice


Offline Emma1017

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Re: Chapter 4: Becoming Emma
« Reply #24 on: July 29, 2020, 05:57:48 am »
Ellen and Alice thank you for sharing your experience.  Alice I will look up your book later today.

That seems to be the bottom-line, you can't out run gender dysphoria.  It is a symptom of a the bigger issue, trying to ignore that you are transgender and that is not going away.  You are left to deal with it the best you can.  You need to find your very personal solution out of the spectrum of choices. 

Societal and personal ignorance makes it more painful than it should.  You are force to fight through a lot just to be cured.

Ellen, your solution with your wife is exactly what I am hoping for with mine.


Hugs,

Emma
[img[/img]The heart has reasons that reason can not understand.

             My Transgender Manifesto

Offline Emma1017

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Re: Chapter 4: Becoming Emma
« Reply #25 on: July 29, 2020, 07:55:40 am »
I saw this yesterday and she melted my heart.  Definitely worth watching:





     
[img[/img]The heart has reasons that reason can not understand.

             My Transgender Manifesto

Offline Confused1

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Re: Chapter 4: Becoming Emma
« Reply #26 on: July 29, 2020, 08:39:46 am »
Even with the continuing misunderstanding and hate, it is a different world than we grew up in Emma. I would have been lucky to crawl home from my school if I wore a dress. I thought of suicide often as a teenager. At the time I really didn't know why. I'm glad neither of us went there!

You look beautiful as always!

HUGS,

Confused1

Offline Jessica_Rose

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Re: Chapter 4: Becoming Emma
« Reply #27 on: July 29, 2020, 09:05:29 am »
Thanks for sharing that video! Corey is an awesome young girl. At her age, it is so much easier to give up and hide your soul from the world than to fight to express yourself. She is much luckier than we were, many of us grew up in an age when information about this was difficult, if not impossible to find. We knew something was wrong, but we either had no idea how to explain what we were feeling, or we were scared to death about telling anyone. It's still a difficult world for many of us, but at least the information is out there, and it is much easier to find medical professionals who can help guide us.

Love always -- Jessica Rose
Journal thread - Jessica's Rose Garden
National Coming Out Day video - Coming Out - Jessica Rose
GCS Thread - GCS and BA with Dr. Ley on 21 Feb 2019 - Jessica_Rose
GCS II and FFS Thread - GCS II and FFS with Dr. Ley on 26 July 2019 - Jessica_Rose
23Mar2017 Started Estradiol / 16Feb2018 Full Time! / 21Feb2019 GCS Dr. Ley / 26July2019 GCS II & FFS Dr. Ley

Don't let others tell you who you are. Be yourself, the world will adjust. -- Jessica Rose

Offline Emma1017

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Re: Chapter 4: Becoming Emma
« Reply #28 on: July 29, 2020, 09:06:23 am »
Confused you are absolutely right, the world we grew up in was amazingly ignorant.  I was bullied even as a full-blown male.  Luckily(?) because I had an older brother who bullied me, I learned to fight very early and very well.  I was scrappy for sure.

That might come in handy after I transition ;D.

And thank you for the nice compliment.  I have to get used to female compliments.  I love them but I hate them at the same time.  My analysts calls them a trigger words because I react like a guy...but we all know that I am not a guy...so thanks for making me smile :).

With Donna out of town I am going have to start watch YouTube for makeup advice.  I haven't even come close to broaching THAT subject with my wife.  That needs to be the next round of conversations soon.

Hugs,

Emma

[img[/img]The heart has reasons that reason can not understand.

             My Transgender Manifesto

Offline Emma1017

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Re: Chapter 4: Becoming Emma
« Reply #29 on: July 29, 2020, 09:11:33 am »
Jessica Rose you are absolutely right.  We have the years of experience to recognize how far we have gone.  I have continued hope for better understanding as we go forward.

This gave me hope and it is 4 years old:

 




[img[/img]The heart has reasons that reason can not understand.

             My Transgender Manifesto

Offline Jessica_Rose

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Re: Chapter 4: Becoming Emma
« Reply #30 on: July 29, 2020, 12:35:16 pm »
Even in my early days just before going full-time, no one ever confronted me or gave me a hard time. In fact, the only time I heard a negative comment was waiting for breakfast at a hotel in Madison, WI. After I ordered breakfast I took a seat about 20 feet away from the hotel kitchen. A few minutes later I overheard the cook talking to his assistant - 'Did you see the man in a dress?' and the assistant replied 'Yes.' I was the only person in the dining area wearing a dress, so I knew who he was referring to. I ignored the comment. After breakfast, I went to the front desk and complained. A week or two later I received a note from the assistant manager of the hotel, apologizing for the incident and stating that the cook had been reprimanded.

Most women seem to be very accepting, most see us as a new member of their tribe and welcome us. On the other hand, most men seem to give us a cool reception, they aren't quite sure what to think, some act like we may be contagious. It is not uncommon for men to open doors for me, offer to help me with my luggage or other items I may be carrying. I'm sure 'passing' helps quite a bit, but from the photos you have posted you should have no problems.

Your biggest enemy in all of this is yourself. I have been Jessica Rose since 16 Feb 2018, yet my mind has still not caught up. When I talk to myself, the first name that pops up is my dead name, and I mentally misgender myself all the time. Sometimes it catches me off guard that everyone I encounter treats me like a woman, while parts of my mind are still not quite convinced. I'm not sure if I will ever completely adjust, but I know I am much happier now.

Love always -- Jessica Rose
Journal thread - Jessica's Rose Garden
National Coming Out Day video - Coming Out - Jessica Rose
GCS Thread - GCS and BA with Dr. Ley on 21 Feb 2019 - Jessica_Rose
GCS II and FFS Thread - GCS II and FFS with Dr. Ley on 26 July 2019 - Jessica_Rose
23Mar2017 Started Estradiol / 16Feb2018 Full Time! / 21Feb2019 GCS Dr. Ley / 26July2019 GCS II & FFS Dr. Ley

Don't let others tell you who you are. Be yourself, the world will adjust. -- Jessica Rose

Offline Emma1017

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Re: Chapter 4: Becoming Emma
« Reply #31 on: July 29, 2020, 02:38:13 pm »
Jessica Rose I agree. 

We all need the time to evolve.  It clearly won't happen over-night.  I feel this intense impatience with myself and with this process at the same time I wish it would all go away...a very mature attitude  ::)
[img[/img]The heart has reasons that reason can not understand.

             My Transgender Manifesto

Offline KimOct

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Re: Chapter 4: Becoming Emma
« Reply #32 on: July 29, 2020, 03:54:53 pm »
  One that is fought all most entirely in our own heads. 

"It was worth it".


Hugs,

Emma

 One that is fought all most entirely in our own heads. 

Emma I know you quoted this and did not say it but.......uh......yeah.

Being Transgender, living it, accepting it, coming to peace with it, self love, the rejection of bigotry these are all complex issues.

But to take a more Zen point of view.  It really is rather simple.

This battle is fought almost entirely in our own heads.  YES.  And for the umpteenth + 1 time......
It is internalized transphobia.  Hmmm who said that?  Oh right  ;D   

This battle can be won once we truly believe the <not allowed> we have been taught is exactly that - <not allowed>.

THE BATTLE IS IN OUR OWN HEADS.  Stop fighting the wrong battle.  Reject the wrong internalized lessons.
The first transphobe you have to conquer is yourself

Offline Emma1017

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Re: Chapter 4: Becoming Emma
« Reply #33 on: July 29, 2020, 03:56:53 pm »
Kim simply  ;D

Hugs,

Emma
[img[/img]The heart has reasons that reason can not understand.

             My Transgender Manifesto

Offline Emma1017

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Re: Chapter 4: Becoming Emma
« Reply #34 on: July 30, 2020, 08:06:52 am »
As if making the final decision to physically transition isn't difficult enough, this pandemic is making booking even a medical consultation challenging. 

The doctors I want are in Chicago and San Francisco.  I have to book in advance and make a deposit before I go.  With the strict quarantine restrictions and the challenges of flying, it has become really difficult.  Additionally, just thinking of the increase exposure raises the question of the ultimate necessity to transition versus these new risks.

Yeah, I know every problem has a solution.... :D :o ;D
[img[/img]The heart has reasons that reason can not understand.

             My Transgender Manifesto

Offline Confused1

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Re: Chapter 4: Becoming Emma
« Reply #35 on: July 30, 2020, 01:50:25 pm »
As if making the final decision to physically transition isn't difficult enough, this pandemic is making booking even a medical consultation challenging. 

The doctors I want are in Chicago and San Francisco.  I have to book in advance and make a deposit before I go.  With the strict quarantine restrictions and the challenges of flying, it has become really difficult.  Additionally, just thinking of the increase exposure raises the question of the ultimate necessity to transition versus these new risks.

Yeah, I know every problem has a solution.... :D :o ;D


Hi Emma,

I just got a ZOOM consult date for mid October, but not where you want to go. I plan to go to Kansas City. Surgery will be sometime next year.

If you fly, I recommend wearing an N95 mask. If you get one with the little valve it will make breathing easier. The N95 will not totally stop the virus, but nothing else available to the average person will come close. I have worked at 2 different jobs requiring masks for probably over 15 years total with all the training, fit testing, and lung capacity testing required. One job was under the jurisdiction of OSHA. The other was under MSHA. MSHA is like OSHA on steroids.

HUGS,

Confused1

Offline Emma1017

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Re: Chapter 4: Becoming Emma
« Reply #36 on: July 30, 2020, 02:24:41 pm »

Confusion thanks for the recommendation.  I ordered N95 masks for my team at work in January (I told you I am a neurotic over-planner) and I am glad that your professional experience confirms the choice.  I will hold them in reserve for the flights if I go ahead.  I only  have four left.

My other thought, as a scuba diver, is to strap on an oxygen tank with regulator.  That would be interesting getting through airport security ;D.

Of course I could just give up this whole transitioning thing and live in gender dysphoria pain for the rest of my life.... :o ;D

[img[/img]The heart has reasons that reason can not understand.

             My Transgender Manifesto

Offline Emma1017

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Re: Chapter 4: Becoming Emma
« Reply #37 on: July 30, 2020, 04:47:52 pm »
In the theme of "go figure", I discovered a new benefit to female hormones.

I live by a beach and every year, all my life, I have been diner for every mosquito for miles.  This year not one bite but my wife has been chewed alive.  She usually only gets a few.

Since its the female mosquito that is the biter, maybe I am getting a courtesy summer off... ;D

I am sure they will be on me next year.
[img[/img]The heart has reasons that reason can not understand.

             My Transgender Manifesto

Offline Northern Star Girl

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Re: Chapter 4: Becoming Emma
« Reply #38 on: July 30, 2020, 05:11:43 pm »
@Emma1017
Dear Emma:

The real test of your mosquito theory is to come to Alaska during our short summers and long daylight hours in July and August...  the mosquitoes are thick.... and they seem to land on and bite men and women equally.....

During those times the repellents are helpful but not very effective.


HUGS,
Danielle

In the theme of "go figure", I discovered a new benefit to female hormones.

I live by a beach and every year, all my life, I have been diner for every mosquito for miles.  This year not one bite but my wife has been chewed alive.  She usually only gets a few.

Since its the female mosquito that is the biter, maybe I am getting a courtesy summer off... ;D

I am sure they will be on me next year.
***SEE MY LINKS BELOW
The Ramblings of a Northern*Star Girl
A New Chapter: ALASKAN DANIELLE's Chronicles
I am the HUNTED PREY: Danielle’s Chronicles
Things change re: ALASKAN DANIELLE
Positive Mindset... put away negativity

Started HRT:   March 2015
Went Full-Time    December 2016
Quit my male-mode job and relocated to a very small town in Alaska in January 2017
I'm a blonde, blue eyed woman, Age 40

Offline Ellie_Arroway

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Re: Chapter 4: Becoming Emma
« Reply #39 on: July 30, 2020, 05:13:49 pm »
In the theme of "go figure", I discovered a new benefit to female hormones.

I live by a beach and every year, all my life, I have been diner for every mosquito for miles.  This year not one bite but my wife has been chewed alive.  She usually only gets a few.

Since its the female mosquito that is the biter, maybe I am getting a courtesy summer off... ;D

I am sure they will be on me next year.

Hmm...

My wife gets bitten by small critters a great deal. It basically never happens to me. And whilst I'm "kind of" on HRT now, it's not really; it's just treating my male pattern baldness (although I have low expectations for that purpose).

I concluded given additional delays from Covid-19 that it was time to go private here in the UK, and I've just been offered an appointment for 3rd November through zoom. It may be replaced with a physical appointment. I'm hoping it won't be as it is about 150 miles away. I would do the travelling if needs be, but if this care is possible over Zoom, it seems to me that there is no need for my physical presence. I will probably have a discussion along those lines if the consultant tries to change it. After all, I'm the piper who gets to call the tune.

It should be possible in this country for me to self-declare that I am a transgender woman for the purpose of starting hormone treatment. I am female on the NHS. I have changed my name. I present as female. Why is that not enough?... Ah well, that's life, I suppose.
Started seriously questioning: 24 Aug 2019
Referred to GIC: 23 Sep 2019
Full-time female presentation since: 21 Oct 2019, unbroken since 12 Dec 2019
Official name change by deed poll: 11 Nov 2019
HRT: "kind of" started 15 Jul 2020
Most of my story is in the Just another mtf tale thread!
Twitch streamer MusicEllie

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