Author Topic: Chapter 4: Becoming Emma  (Read 12010 times)

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Offline Pammie

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Re: Chapter 4: Becoming Emma
« Reply #220 on: September 12, 2020, 04:43:27 pm »
No. No no no no no no no.

You are both innocent in this, Emma. You keep talking like this is something you're doing deliberately. Something malicious. I know you feel that way but that could not be further from the truth. This is hurting you as much as it is hurting your wife.

You need to stop thinking that way, okay? You did not ask for this. Emma, when people fall in love with each other... they do not just fall in love with someone's gender. If the world worked like that then people would just shack up with the first person they clapped eyes on who could give them children. It doesn't work that way.

Love is something more. It isn't just procreation. It's a connection you have with someone because of who they are. The deeper parts of someone that attract you to them. When you and your wife fell in love... Emma was there. Even if you didn't know it. Because it's a big part of who you are. Even if you didn't know it. Maybe not physically... but mentally, spiritually... the parts of a person which actually matter. Your wife fell in love with Emma, even if neither of you knew it. Because she is you and you are her. And you both always have been. No matter what has intervened in the meantime.

You are still the person she fell in love with. You still have the most important parts of yourself. Your love, your gentleness, your kindness, your warmth, your... empathy. In those aspects nothing has changed. Realising who you are does not mean changing who you are. It does not mean becoming someone else. It means becoming yourself in the way you can achieve so as to not be in personal pain. Your wife knew you before you knew you, Emma. Because... some parts of ourselves we just can't hide. Even when we don't know they're a part of us. :)

What your wife is feeling, and how she deals with this... sweetie... you did not cause this. You aren't deliberately going through this to try and hurt her, to cause her pain, hell... to cause you both pain. This is something you're going through because it's a very personal thing. Something you have to come to terms with. Just like any other medical condition is. It is not something you're perpetrating for the heck of it. And you both need to understand that in order to move forward.

Ditch the adversarial mindset. You are both the same people you were when you met. When you fell in love. You're just dealing with some stuff. I get this may be hard for your wife to adjust to, or accept... but that is NOT your fault.

...

Sorry. Just one last thing. As for regretting starting these threads... Emma, if you hadn't, I never would have gotten to know one of the strongest, kindest, warmest, sweetest people I've ever had the privilege to know. You've touched a lot of lives, missy, whether you know it or not. So don't ever regret wanting to put yourself out there, okay? Because you are a beautiful person, who deserves a voice. :)

*extra big hugs*
I feel like i’m often coming from a different perspective but I think it’s a little simplistic to say that gender should not be important when you fall in love. Actually, 97% of the time gender is a given, an assumption and no less important for that. People have expectations and it’s naive to suggest otherwise. I totally agree it’s not Emma’s fault - there is no fault. But her wife can’t be blamed for struggling either. Just my view. Xx
Emma, you know you have my support and hopes for your success. I’m not sure I have come across a deeper love than yours for your wife. Xxx


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Offline Sephirah

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Re: Chapter 4: Becoming Emma
« Reply #221 on: September 12, 2020, 05:17:55 pm »
I feel like i’m often coming from a different perspective but I think it’s a little simplistic to say that gender should not be important when you fall in love. Actually, 97% of the time gender is a given, an assumption and no less important for that. People have expectations and it’s naive to suggest otherwise. I totally agree it’s not Emma’s fault - there is no fault. But her wife can’t be blamed for struggling either. Just my view. Xx
Emma, you know you have my support and hopes for your success. I’m not sure I have come across a deeper love than yours for your wife. Xxx


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I didn't say that, Pammie. I said gender shouldn't be the "only" consideration. If it were then any man or woman would fall in love with the first person of the opposite gender they saw in their lives. I am not saying it isn't important. I'm not saying it's not a part of things. What I'm saying is that it isn't the ONLY thing. And to beat yourself up because you think it IS the only thing... which Emma seems to be doing... is wrong.

Also I am not blaming anyone. If anything I am trying to make everyone see there IS no blame. It's a thing that happened, and people have to deal with it. Not blame either oneself or someone else for how they deal with it. Blame is an utterly futile exercise. It achieves nothing other than to make everyone feel worse. What matters is how you deal with it. How you move forward.

If I thought someone loved me only because of my gender. I would not love them back. That's just a fact. Maybe it's just me. :P

Offline Pammie

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Re: Chapter 4: Becoming Emma
« Reply #222 on: September 12, 2020, 05:27:13 pm »
I didn't say that, Pammie. I said gender shouldn't be the "only" consideration. If it were then any man or woman would fall in love with the first person of the opposite gender they saw in their lives. I am not saying it isn't important. I'm not saying it's not a part of things. What I'm saying is that it isn't the ONLY thing. And to beat yourself up because you think it IS the only thing... which Emma seems to be doing... is wrong.

Also I am not blaming anyone. If anything I am trying to make everyone see there IS no blame. It's a thing that happened, and people have to deal with it. Not blame either oneself or someone else for how they deal with it. Blame is an utterly futile exercise. It achieves nothing other than to make everyone feel worse. What matters is how you deal with it. How you move forward.

If I thought someone loved me only because of my gender. I would not love them back. That's just a fact. Maybe it's just me. :P
I didn’t think or say you were blaming anyone, I was trying to agree there is no blame but I certainly felt you were suggesting gender wasn’t an important assumption in a relationship so if I misunderstood I apologise.


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Offline EllenW

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Re: Chapter 4: Becoming Emma
« Reply #223 on: September 12, 2020, 05:33:12 pm »

I know that I am burning out friends with this endless blog of frustration and inaction. 

Emma,

Just look at all positive and supportive responses you get. You are NOT burning out your friends. We are all here for you as long as you need us.

Just hang in there.

Love
Ellen
Known all my life I was different
Started to live part time as my true self in 2010
HRT January 2018
Full time at work February 2018
Legal name and gender change January 2019
GCS - some time soon (I hope)

Offline Sephirah

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Re: Chapter 4: Becoming Emma
« Reply #224 on: September 12, 2020, 05:40:14 pm »
I didn’t think or say you were blaming anyone, I was trying to agree there is no blame but I certainly felt you were suggesting gender wasn’t an important assumption in a relationship so if I misunderstood I apologise.


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No, I'm sure it is for a lot of people. But you use the right word there. "Assumption". Something you accept without thinking about it. And in most, maybe even the majority of relationships that assumption is there. Because a physical relationship is something you have to take into account. It's a huge part of why one person gets with another person. Because of biology, and evolutionary urges. However much the fluidity of sexuality is a thing nowadays, you have to accept the Darwinist assertions of Man + Woman = Child. And that's something we have at the very core of our being. The evolutionary urge to procreate. It's something that the vast majority of people act upon.

So, no, I'm not for one second saying it isn't important, for a lot of people.

What I'm trying to say is that whatever physical attraction is going on... we are all far, far more than the sum of our physiology. We are all far more than our ability to produce the next generation. And I personally believe that's why we fall in love with one person over any other person in the world we could fall in love with. I personally believe that a large part of it is our psychology, not just our physiology. It's the person we are attracted to more than their genitalia. After all, what separates one person from another if you've never seen their... um... human race extending apparatus? How do you know they are the person you want to spend the rest of your life with? Unless you just jump into bed with everyone you meet and take averages, lol.

My point was... trans people don't just suddenly pop into existence one day. We don't just suddenly become who we are. It was always there. And the people in our lives... they saw a part of that even when we didn't. Because it's who we are. :)

Offline Pammie

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Re: Chapter 4: Becoming Emma
« Reply #225 on: September 12, 2020, 05:59:55 pm »
No, I'm sure it is for a lot of people. But you use the right word there. "Assumption". Something you accept without thinking about it. And in most, maybe even the majority of relationships that assumption is there. Because a physical relationship is something you have to take into account. It's a huge part of why one person gets with another person. Because of biology, and evolutionary urges. However much the fluidity of sexuality is a thing nowadays, you have to accept the Darwinist assertions of Man + Woman = Child. And that's something we have at the very core of our being. The evolutionary urge to procreate. It's something that the vast majority of people act upon.

So, no, I'm not for one second saying it isn't important, for a lot of people.

What I'm trying to say is that whatever physical attraction is going on... we are all far, far more than the sum of our physiology. We are all far more than our ability to produce the next generation. And I personally believe that's why we fall in love with one person over any other person in the world we could fall in love with. I personally believe that a large part of it is our psychology, not just our physiology. It's the person we are attracted to more than their genitalia. After all, what separates one person from another if you've never seen their... um... human race extending apparatus? How do you know they are the person you want to spend the rest of your life with? Unless you just jump into bed with everyone you meet and take averages, lol.

My point was... trans people don't just suddenly pop into existence one day. We don't just suddenly become who we are. It was always there. And the people in our lives... they saw a part of that even when we didn't. Because it's who we are. :)
Thanks Sephirah. As always you make a really deep and insightful contribution- sorry I misunderstood. Ur right I think that even when/if (in my case when) we aren’t consciously aware of our true self it is still a key part of us and more discernible to others.


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Offline Sarah-Red

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Re: Chapter 4: Becoming Emma
« Reply #226 on: September 12, 2020, 06:19:23 pm »
We love someone's personality, in simple terms ;p
Probably deeper too.


Offline Emma1017

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Re: Chapter 4: Becoming Emma
« Reply #227 on: September 12, 2020, 11:29:29 pm »
You guys make me cry all the time. Thank you
  The heart has reasons that reason can not understand.

             My Transgender Manifesto

Offline ChrissyRyan

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Re: Chapter 4: Becoming Emma
« Reply #228 on: September 13, 2020, 06:53:39 am »
You guys make me cry all the time. Thank you

Take each day one at time Emma.
Each day can bring you new insights, prospectives, motivations, decisions, and experiences.

Often I wonder what is going on with me, and why I am not going forward in my transition to the full time stage, and I go through a lot of emotions.  I know you are too in your own way because of your specific situation.  I have the deepest empathy for you Emma.

Hugs,

Chrissy


Be a good example of good behavior.  Always be kinder than needed.  Be tender to others.  You are as beautiful as the thoughts you think and the words that your speak.   Always stay cheerful, be polite, kind, and understanding.  Knowledge and action shown without love is not impressive.  If you look for the good in people you will find it. Healthy relationships are so important to good living.  Serve others.

Good living, joy, unity, love, and happiness can come from following these practices: Never let selfishness or conceit motivate you.  Regard others as more important than yourself.  Do not limit attention to only your interests, but include the interests of others

It is not usually about how fast you transition, it is about how well you transition.  

Offline Emma1017

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Re: Chapter 4: Becoming Emma
« Reply #229 on: September 13, 2020, 10:32:31 am »
You all have given me a lot to think about.

Sephirah you are absolutely right:  "Your wife fell in love with Emma, even if neither of you knew it." If nothing else I am a much better person after the experience of the last three years.

"As for regretting starting these threads... Emma, if you hadn't, I never would have gotten to know one of the strongest, kindest, warmest, sweetest people I've ever had the privilege to know."  Sephirah that was an amazing lovely thing to say but how can you glean that from what I have written.  For the last three, mine have been the words of a drowning person in an ocean filled with others just trying to survive.  I'm just screaming my pain and fear louder but regardless, thank you.

"I’m not sure I have come across a deeper love than yours for your wife."   Pammie I know that love like this is out there.  My pain is that in my situation.  I am placing that love into a painful crucible that will lead to unpredictable results.  The thought of it makes me incredibly sad.  Thank you for sharing your incredible heart.

"You are NOT burning out your friends."  Ellen you won't allow me to burn bridges and you are so wonderful for not giving up on me not matter how much I try to give up on myself.

"We love someone's personality, in simple terms." Sarah you share the important stuff and help me filter out the self hate and the dark thoughts.

"Take each day one at time Emma." Chrissy we teach each other some many important lessons that we forget as we crawl through so much negativity and doubt.

Love to you all,

Emma




  The heart has reasons that reason can not understand.

             My Transgender Manifesto

Offline Emma1017

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Re: Chapter 4: Becoming Emma
« Reply #230 on: September 13, 2020, 02:24:58 pm »
I wrote this for Medium this past week and it is a softer version of the emotional explosion I shared here.  I hope this is more tolerable :):

                                     The Lady or the Tiger

I had no idea three years ago that I was to start a journey that would slice, dice and dissect every aspect of my life and myself. It is the most painful process I have ever experienced. It may yet become the most exciting and soul fulfilling.

I went through an emotional acid bath of doctors, psychiatrists, psychologists, frantic internet researches as well as brutal self-criticism and analysis to discover, without any doubt and against every effort to deny it, that I am transgender.

I went from a binary world of gender into one filled with technicolor variations.

As my journey continued to acceptance, the next thought was, what to do next. I had shared my news with a very select group of people. I was fighting continued self-denial and a fear of letting the “cat out of the bag.” I still was coming to grips with being transgender. I still was very uncomfortable.

I started the “soft” part of my transition, things I could try and do that didn’t require a permanent commitment like surgery or publicly coming out. I tried androgynous clothing. I started to increase my awareness of the feminine world. I experimented with a professional makeover. I fearfully tested the water. I needed to know what my transness was. I needed to find a way to ease the incredible pain gender dysphoria was causing. What did I need to do to be at peace internally?

I found these solutions offered some relief but they also increased my need to express my female gender. My gender dysphoria seemed to be insatiable in direct proportion to my increasingly desperate need to suppress my desire to fully transition.

I was between the fabled rock and a hard place.

So, I continued my journey. I went back multiple times for makeovers, not as a test, but for the pleasure it gave me to see me for the first time in the mirror. In the photos I took in those moments there was an undeniable joy in the smile, totally different than the photos as a guy all my life. These photos seem to reflect my soul…and it scared me.

But I couldn’t stop.

I went to an endocrinologist who confirmed my diagnoses of gender dysphoria and prescribed female hormones. I started hormone replacement therapy (HRT). I had passed a major milestone in transitioning and it made a difference. It felt right. The example I use to describe it is, it is as if I was running on the wrong gas without knowing it and now I am on the right gas and I could feel the difference.

It was amazing.

Now I knew that not only was I transgender but my body was absorbing the female hormones as if it had been waiting a lifetime for them.

So, after 18 months on HRT I have come to the most major crossroad to being transgender: Should I settle for feeling better on just the hormones or should I finally realize a lifelong dream that I had always thought was a fantasy?

I am now faced with the path of “hard” transition.

Why do I need to go for permanent surgical changes and live my life as a woman? Why isn’t simply knowing what has caused my gender dysphoria enough?

It is my decision and my decision alone and I am dealing with the greatest fear I have ever encountered.

Frank Stockton wrote a short story in which the accused person stepped out into an arena and was given the choice between two doors; one held a ferocious tiger, the second a beautiful woman. The destiny of the accused was in the hands of the accused.

For me, I know which door is which, so why would I choose the tiger?



Hugs,

Emma



  The heart has reasons that reason can not understand.

             My Transgender Manifesto

Offline Sephirah

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Re: Chapter 4: Becoming Emma
« Reply #231 on: September 13, 2020, 03:36:05 pm »
Sephirah that was an amazing lovely thing to say but how can you glean that from what I have written.  For the last three, mine have been the words of a drowning person in an ocean filled with others just trying to survive.  I'm just screaming my pain and fear louder but regardless, thank you.

You're absolutely right. But it takes a special person to be dealing with so much and yet still have time for others. To go out of your way to want the best for them. To make them feel better. I'm not talking about here, sweetie. I'm talking about the things you've said to me privately. The times you've put everything you're dealing with aside to offer a shoulder to someone else. Namely me. Privately. Had I never started reading your journey, I would never have had the opportunity to get to know you, more privately. To be able to talk to you off the grid, as it were.

I stand by what I said, Emma. You are a truly beautiful person. And I'm not just talking about how you look (although I still maintain you have a smile that would stop traffic and you're utterly gorgeous). I'm talking about what's inside you. Everything you're going though... things that would break other people... but you still have it within you to be there for others. To be a source of kindness and strength. That is a very, very rare thing in this world. It's something precious. And something you need to see, and understand. However hard things might be... you have it inside you to deal with it, sweetie. You do. You have the depth of emotion... the compassion... the strength and gentleness of who you are.

You are never confrontational. You try to mediate... to be the mother. To diffuse situations that others would charge into headlong, sword raised. That isn't you. And if that isn't a testament to who you are then I don't know what is.

I always equate people to water. That's my element. It allows me to make sense of things. Emma, you feel like a glacial lake. Calm... serene on the surface, but deep. Powerful. And... timeless. You are someone who doesn't need to assert themselves. You are someone who people come to, to bathe in your calming waters and feel the gentle serenity you give off. But you're way more than that. You're someone who has depths no one... not even you... have ever fully explored. A latent power that I don't think even you are aware of.

Sometimes the glacier of the world around you breaks off a huge chunk and there's a tumultuous crescendo on your surface as you try to assimilate that... but deep down... you're still. Calm. Waiting.

Sorry, I know I am weird. I just get feelings from people, I dunno. I think you have a lot more inside you than even you realise, sweetie. And you show it in the things you say. How you are with other people. It's something that drew me to you. :)

Offline Emma1017

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Re: Chapter 4: Becoming Emma
« Reply #232 on: September 13, 2020, 04:31:40 pm »
Sephirah you have humbled me beyond words. All I can say is Thank You!
  The heart has reasons that reason can not understand.

             My Transgender Manifesto

Offline Emma1017

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Re: Chapter 4: Becoming Emma
« Reply #233 on: September 13, 2020, 07:25:57 pm »
I wrote something to make me laugh.  It is called The Transgender Play: a farce in two acts. https://medium.com/prismnpen/a-transgender-play-7e2a3eaee343

It should be free to read.  I hope you enjoy it.
  The heart has reasons that reason can not understand.

             My Transgender Manifesto

Offline ChrissyRyan

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Re: Chapter 4: Becoming Emma
« Reply #234 on: September 13, 2020, 07:33:10 pm »
I wrote something to make me laugh.  It is called The Transgender Play: a farce in two acts. https://medium.com/prismnpen/a-transgender-play-7e2a3eaee343

It should be free to read.  I hope you enjoy it.

Emma,


Did you hear about the live theatre pun?

It was a play on words.

   :)

Chrissy
Be a good example of good behavior.  Always be kinder than needed.  Be tender to others.  You are as beautiful as the thoughts you think and the words that your speak.   Always stay cheerful, be polite, kind, and understanding.  Knowledge and action shown without love is not impressive.  If you look for the good in people you will find it. Healthy relationships are so important to good living.  Serve others.

Good living, joy, unity, love, and happiness can come from following these practices: Never let selfishness or conceit motivate you.  Regard others as more important than yourself.  Do not limit attention to only your interests, but include the interests of others

It is not usually about how fast you transition, it is about how well you transition.  

Offline Emma1017

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Re: Chapter 4: Becoming Emma
« Reply #235 on: September 13, 2020, 09:27:28 pm »
Oh Chrissy....a drum roll and a cymbal please ;D
  The heart has reasons that reason can not understand.

             My Transgender Manifesto

Offline Emma1017

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Re: Chapter 4: Becoming Emma
« Reply #236 on: September 15, 2020, 06:55:55 am »
Interesting observation, as each day passes I feel more Emma naturally.  It could be a combination of HRT and Emma unleashed. ;D

My therapist and I were simply chatting during my session the other day and I said something that included "when I was a guy."  Total conversation stopper.  We just looked at each other and I couldn't stop laughing.

What a strange journey....

  The heart has reasons that reason can not understand.

             My Transgender Manifesto

Offline Emma1017

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Re: Chapter 4: Becoming Emma
« Reply #237 on: September 15, 2020, 03:01:37 pm »
With all that I know, why do I want to pick the door with the tiger?
  The heart has reasons that reason can not understand.

             My Transgender Manifesto

Offline Sephirah

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Re: Chapter 4: Becoming Emma
« Reply #238 on: September 15, 2020, 03:39:20 pm »
With all that I know, why do I want to pick the door with the tiger?

Because tigers are beautiful.

I mean come on. How is this not the most beautiful creature on the planet?


Offline Pammie

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Re: Chapter 4: Becoming Emma
« Reply #239 on: September 15, 2020, 03:40:55 pm »
Because tigers are beautiful.

I mean come on. How is this not the most beautiful creature on the planet?


From a greater distance preferably!


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