Topic: Chapter 4: Becoming Emma

[Alice]

Emma,

That was lovely. Thank you for those words.

Alice

[Emma1017]

Mike, Pammie and Alice thank you for your kind words. I always hope that I am writing for us all and not just a case of me talking for my own benefit. 

The more I read, the more I am outraged at the brutal unfairness in the way we treat ourselves and are treated by a sadly ignorant society.  The more we all share, the more that we strip away that ignorance.  It feels well worth it.

The world needs more open minds and open hearts.

Separately Pammie, I was talking about language and the different ways that, in general, each gender uses it, not voice or intonation.  I found in social situations, married couples divided into genders and I always got stuck talking “guy” stuff.  I always felt like it wasn’t my native language.

[Dorit]

Separately Pammie, I was talking about language and the different ways that, in general, each gender uses it, not voice or intonation.  I found in social situations, married couples divided into genders and I always got stuck talking “guy” stuff.  I always felt like it wasn’t my native language.

Yes, this I believe is part of what it means to be transgender.   We want to relate as the women we are and be accepted as such in social situations.  I always got along well with women, had girlfriends that I connected with socially.  I too did not like the "guy" talk and prefer "women" talk.  I believe one reason my marriage was so good is that we related as best girlfriends to each other.   Transition for me  completely solved the problem of being in the wrong social group.

[Emma1017]

I was exposed to the Covid virus last week and have been told to quarantine for two weeks...My GCS consultation was tomorrow.  I couldn't lie.  I couldn't expose others.  I was forced to reschedule.  The next appointment is June, 2021...........

I am trying to be positive.  I finally had a full disclosure conversation with my wife last week and I really can't have GCS surgery until the end of 2021 anyway....I keep focusing on those points but I am massively sad and disappointed. I will survive but this whole process is so adversarial.  Others have it far worse, so I shouldn't complain but come on, the appointment was tomorrow! 

I would be more philosophical if I was 45 or 55 but I turn 65 next month.  I constantly question my need to transition at this point of my life.

...as if I have a choice.

Sorry just a "poor me" moment.  I'll put my big girl panties on in few minutes.

[ChrissyRyan]

Hang in there Emma.

Chrissy

[EllenW]

Emma

Could you change the consult to a telehealth visit? I had my first consult today that way and it went very well

Stay strong

Ellen

[Confused1]

Hi Emma,

Like Ellen, my consult next month will be by ZOOM. It might be worth asking.

My other therapists visits were in person, but my PHD Therapist was by telehealth.

Hugs,
Mike

[Emma1017]

Chrissy, Ellen and Mike thanks for your thoughts and ideas.  I sent an email this morning asking for a better date.  I will follow up to see if a ZOOM consultation could be an alternative. 

I could have lied and gone to the appointment but I just couldn't.  It is was frustratingly close.  It was upsetting and it really made me very sad.  This whole process is so unnecessarily difficult.  No wonder we are such a tight community.

Thanks again,

Emma

[Alice]

Emma,

I am glad you are exploring options. Hang in there, I am sure it will all work out.

Hugs

Alice

[Emma1017]

Oh Alice sometimes I just don’t know.

Hugs,

Emma

[Oldandcreaky]

You don't have to wait for GCS to live in the female role. If you've had the conversation with your wife, start living as a woman right now.

I consider the old rules to be prudent, that one had to successfully live as female for a year to be considered for surgery. I always thought of the year as a trial for the house you'd inhabit for the rest of your life.

[Sarah-Red]

You don't have to wait for GCS to live in the female role. If you've had the conversation with your wife, start living as a woman right now.

I consider the old rules to be prudent, that one had to successfully live as female for a year to be considered for surgery. I always thought of the year as a trial for the house you'd inhabit for the rest of your life.

It's still a rule in Canada. Which is unfortunate, because I can't live that role in society with how I feel for now. (social anxiety included)
Getting the operation would actually help me with that, so I don't agree with the rule :/

Sometimes it is what it is, and you just gotta do your best and hope for the best in the future. Nothing's lost Emma, it'll just take a little more time.

[davina61]

It takes patience, I know as it took 2 years to be seen by Gender Clinic and I would have been put on surgery list in March but the virus put paid to that . Have an appointment in end of Nov for face to face and hope to get the 3 signature's needed then , thats put me back a year .
 Stateside  thing happen so much quicker and more choice. It will come dear in its own good time, I find things happen for me when they are meant to happen so things fall into place . Go with the flow but dont forget to paddle upstream when needed XXXXX

[Emma1017]

You all are the best.

There are thousands of ways to transition and thousands of ways to get there.  We each are forced by circumstances to walk our own path, each is very specific and very personal.
 
I technically started to transition at 61 years of age.  It has been essentially a battle between my sense of selflessness and my sense of selfishness need.  My 44 year loving relationship with my wife and my dedication to protect her from my needs, created an epic battle that I have painfully shared here in four separate, excruciatingly long (sorry all) posts.

I am a very determined person so this emotional fist fight was against equal contenders but one was getting stronger as the other weakened.   Gender dysphonia grew exponentially the more I fought it and gender dysphonia was actually telling me that I need to cure my very real medical ailment.  I am transgender and I need to transition to be ok.

I recognize that I can’t live with the pain regardless of the brutal pain that I have and will expose my wife to.  Fortunately, circumstances have given us both time to process this reality.  She is still here and I hope she stays as I continue with the cure.

O&C I think there are many people who need to slow down and make sure that they truly know and want this irreversible change.  I don’t need to practice for a year, I am female, I just need to work on my skills and I am looking forward to it.

Sarah it is so frustrating when you absolutely know your reality and the medical bureaucracy and other realities force you to go so painfully slow.  I feel so bad for where you are and I truly hope that you can get where you need to be.  You deserve it.

Davina the Wise, you are so right.  Whether it is destiny or a rationalization of reality, it will all happen in time.  It just requires more patience than I have at times.   Fortunately, I have started to stop fighting upstream.  It is exhausting!

When I shared the “Lady or the Tiger” with my wife last week I added this post script:

          “PS:   One last thought, if we separate or divorce, we will have to deal with everyone’s stupidity separately. 
               if we stay together we can deal with their stupidity together....plus I can make you laugh.”


Hugs,

Emma

[Sephirah]

I was exposed to the Covid virus last week and have been told to quarantine for two weeks...My GCS consultation was tomorrow.  I couldn't lie.  I couldn't expose others.  I was forced to reschedule.  The next appointment is June, 2021...........

This virus is no joke, Emma. It kills people. The entire world has changed into a place none of us recognise anymore. What you did was the absolute right thing. In the UK, it's the young people who are getting blamed for the rise in cases. Because they apparently don't care, because they don't think they can die from it. So it doesn't affect them. No matter how many other people are at risk because they may pass it on. It's a case of "I'm okay, Jack, so screw you." I don't know how true this is, but I know what I've seen.

Emma... you're doing the right thing. And this is what you have to feel good about.

The fact that you've been told to self-isolate is a good thing, if what I'm hearing about how bad it is over there is accurate. You can't take this lightly. Something the higher echelons of power seem to be doing with reckless abandon.

Sweetie, you will get through this, and you will get to where you want to be. The world has changed now, in many ways for the worse. We just have to hang on, and ride this crazy apocalypse-train to where it ends. 2020 will likely go down in history as the year Mother Nature finally had enough and decided to cleanse herself.

Hang in there, okay?

Love you. X

[Pammie]

This virus is no joke, Emma. It kills people. The entire world has changed into a place none of us recognise anymore. What you did was the absolute right thing. In the UK, it's the young people who are getting blamed for the rise in cases. Because they apparently don't care, because they don't think they can die from it. So it doesn't affect them. No matter how many other people are at risk because they may pass it on. It's a case of "I'm okay, Jack, so screw you." I don't know how true this is, but I know what I've seen.

Emma... you're doing the right thing. And this is what you have to feel good about.

The fact that you've been told to self-isolate is a good thing, if what I'm hearing about how bad it is over there is accurate. You can't take this lightly. Something the higher echelons of power seem to be doing with reckless abandon.

Sweetie, you will get through this, and you will get to where you want to be. The world has changed now, in many ways for the worse. We just have to hang on, and ride this crazy apocalypse-train to where it ends. 2020 will likely go down in history as the year Mother Nature finally had enough and decided to cleanse herself.

Hang in there, okay?

Love you. X

With all due respect that is rather OTT. Of course she must self isolate when told but it’s not exactly apocalypse here in the UK. I still know nobody who has had the virus, the rates of infection are very very low and the mortality rate also very very low. Yes it can kill but lots of things can - including flu.
I’m concerned personally about the costs of lockdown - just look at the low level of cancer referrals for instance.
We are building up a hidden mountain of sadness.


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[Emma1017]

My disappoint is absolutely nothing compared to the anguish I would feel if I made anyone else sick.  I am working with the GCS team for a better date.  Since I am not planning to have the surgery until next Fall at the earliest, they suggested I keep the June, 2021 date.  They said that they prefer the surgery is done within 6 months of the consultation.  I was planning to get the electrolysis and FFS done before then anyway.  You all are right things do work out.

So far no symptoms  for me. 

They say a great test for the virus is to take a glass of red wine, smell it, then taste.  If it smells and taste like wine, repeat often to ensure results.  I am trying different varieties to make sure I am doing it right .

I will share the results.

[Emma1017]

Unfortunately I live in New York City and my Mother died of the virus in New Jersey last March.  The real truth about the virus globally has become the fodder of politicians and the media.  I have numerous friends in various ER units here who will confirm the danger of the virus while at the same time I have friends in other businesses that don't see the extreme danger of the virus and want to get back to work.  I feel the worst of for the parents and their children.

I agree that we need to find acceptable risks in order to function as a society and that difficult decisions will need to be made.  I just wish the world had better leaders to make them.  In the mean time we all need make our own intelligent decisions.  We will get past this.

I am more worried about dying as a man..........

[Sephirah]

With all due respect that is rather OTT. Of course she must self isolate when told but it’s not exactly apocalypse here in the UK. I still know nobody who has had the virus, the rates of infection are very very low and the mortality rate also very very low. Yes it can kill but lots of things can - including flu.
I’m concerned personally about the costs of lockdown - just look at the low level of cancer referrals for instance.
We are building up a hidden mountain of sadness.


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No, I wasn't talking just about just the virus, Pammie. I was talking about everything that's being going on in the world this year. The floods in China, the fires in Ukraine, California and Australia... it's like this year seems to be one thing on top of another. I said the world has changed now. And it has. Looking at everything that's happened this year, it would be easy to think of it as something apocalyptic.

I know you think a lot of this is over the top, and I respect that even if I don't necessarily agree with it. But this year has been something out of the ordinary in terms of world events that put people in harms way. You're taking my post out of context. I put things in different paragraphs for a reason. What I said, specifically, was

The world has changed now, in many ways for the worse. We just have to hang on, and ride this crazy apocalypse-train to where it ends. 2020 will likely go down in history as the year Mother Nature finally had enough and decided to cleanse herself.

That doesn't mention the virus, and it isn't just about that. Sweetie, stop looking for things that aren't there, okay?

Unfortunately I live in New York City and my Mother died of the virus in New Jersey last March.  The real truth about the virus globally has become the fodder of politicians and the media.  I have numerous friends in various ER units here who will confirm the danger of the virus while at the same time I have friends in other businesses that don't see the extreme danger of the virus and want to get back to work.  I feel the worst of for the parents and their children.

I agree that we need to find acceptable risks in order to function as a society and that difficult decisions will need to be made.  I just wish the world had better leaders to make them.  In the mean time we all need make our own intelligent decisions.  We will get past this.

I am more worried about dying as a man..........

Emma, I am so sorry for your loss. Sincerely. You're right... it's turned into something to be wielded as a weapon and that is the ultimate sadness. You would think that something like this would bring people together, not divide them. What does it take for people to all get on the same page?

Also... you were never a man, sweetie. So stop that! And you ain't going anywhere, missy. *huggles*

[Pammie]

No, I wasn't talking just about just the virus, Pammie. I was talking about everything that's being going on in the world this year. The floods in China, the fires in Ukraine, California and Australia... it's like this year seems to be one thing on top of another. I said the world has changed now. And it has. Looking at everything that's happened this year, it would be easy to think of it as something apocalyptic.

I know you think a lot of this is over the top, and I respect that even if I don't necessarily agree with it. But this year has been something out of the ordinary in terms of world events that put people in harms way. You're taking my post out of context. I put things in different paragraphs for a reason. What I said, specifically, was

That doesn't mention the virus, and it isn't just about that. Sweetie, stop looking for things that aren't there, okay?

Emma, I am so sorry for your loss. Sincerely. You're right... it's turned into something to be wielded as a weapon and that is the ultimate sadness. You would think that something like this would bring people together, not divide them. What does it take for people to all get on the same page?

Also... you were never a man, sweetie. So stop that! And you ain't going anywhere, missy. *huggles*

My apologies Sephirah, I did think you were mainly talking about the virus and I take your points. It has been a tough year globally but I guess I tend to underplay because none of that gets within a million miles of the utter personal catastrophe of losing my little girl last year.


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