Author Topic: Chapter 4: Becoming Emma  (Read 12078 times)

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Offline Sephirah

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Re: Chapter 4: Becoming Emma
« Reply #280 on: September 23, 2020, 04:13:17 pm »
My apologies Sephirah, I did think you were mainly talking about the virus and I take your points. It has been a tough year globally but I guess I tend to underplay because none of that gets within a million miles of the utter personal catastrophe of losing my little girl last year.


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Pammie, I get it. I really do. I get why you're hurting, sweetie. And I get why you feel the way you do. I am so, so, so sorry for the loss of Siobhan. I wish I could take that away from you. I wish with all my heart I could make it so she was still here. I am sorry too. I can be flippant sometimes, and forget the pain of people who lose people. People close to them.

I guess it's how I cope with stuff, you know? You're right... when you lose someone who is your whole world... the actual world is but a pale shadow. I've been there. Nothing can ever seem to be as bad. Sweetie, she will always be with you. You haven't lost her. You can never lose her while ever you keep her in your heart. Hang on to that, okay?

I love you too, Pammie. We all deal with things in our own way. Doesn't make it wrong. Just makes it so we look at the world through our own individual prism. With the light of perception scattered in different ways.

*extra big hugs*

Offline Emma1017

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Re: Chapter 4: Becoming Emma
« Reply #281 on: September 23, 2020, 04:44:16 pm »
Awww Sephirah this so sweet:  “ Also... you were never a man, sweetie. So stop that.”

And I love 💕 how we all play nice together!

Hugs to all,

Emma
  The heart has reasons that reason can not understand.

             My Transgender Manifesto

Offline Emma1017

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Re: Chapter 4: Becoming Emma
« Reply #282 on: September 24, 2020, 09:02:00 am »
Someone asked me how I chose my name.  My two favorite girls names I liked when my wife was expecting was Nora and Emma. I chose Emma. I chose as my middle name Elizabeth because two of my ancestors where named Elizabeth and I loved the connection. It was really that simple😊
  The heart has reasons that reason can not understand.

             My Transgender Manifesto

Offline Pammie

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Re: Chapter 4: Becoming Emma
« Reply #283 on: September 24, 2020, 10:27:07 am »
Pammie, I get it. I really do. I get why you're hurting, sweetie. And I get why you feel the way you do. I am so, so, so sorry for the loss of Siobhan. I wish I could take that away from you. I wish with all my heart I could make it so she was still here. I am sorry too. I can be flippant sometimes, and forget the pain of people who lose people. People close to them.

I guess it's how I cope with stuff, you know? You're right... when you lose someone who is your whole world... the actual world is but a pale shadow. I've been there. Nothing can ever seem to be as bad. Sweetie, she will always be with you. You haven't lost her. You can never lose her while ever you keep her in your heart. Hang on to that, okay?

I love you too, Pammie. We all deal with things in our own way. Doesn't make it wrong. Just makes it so we look at the world through our own individual prism. With the light of perception scattered in different ways.

*extra big hugs*
Sephirah, u r a truly wonderful, insightful and caring woman. Thank you hunny and hugs right back xxxxl


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Offline Sarah-Red

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Re: Chapter 4: Becoming Emma
« Reply #284 on: September 24, 2020, 11:13:48 am »

Sarah it is so frustrating when you absolutely know your reality and the medical bureaucracy and other realities force you to go so painfully slow.  I feel so bad for where you are and I truly hope that you can get where you need to be.  You deserve it.

Thanks, I appreciate it, it means something.
Honestly the worst was last year when I kept running into the wall and feeling like I need to get over it. I'm more tame right now because struggling isn't helping me. If I need time, then that's what I need. There's things I have trouble processing and I try not to think about it and keep open, because I want to believe instead of hopeless. This is a hard life and lots of people have it tough for different reasons, I'm trying to change my way of thinking so I can appreciate more than suffer over things. At the same time we have to be true to how we feel, sometimes there's pain to let through.

Someone asked me how I chose my name.  My two favorite girls names I liked when my wife was expecting was Nora and Emma. I chose Emma. I chose as my middle name Elizabeth because two of my ancestors where named Elizabeth and I loved the connection. It was really that simple😊

I've always liked the name Emma. Too many people I know started using the name tho XD. Sarah was still the winner for me, but I decided on another name. At this point I've been called Sarah so much online though that it feels like my name as well, but I'll be going with Sylvia. It doesn't matter which one someone uses for now though, it just points back at me XD
I'm glad if you feel good about your name.

Offline Emma1017

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Re: Chapter 4: Becoming Emma
« Reply #285 on: September 24, 2020, 11:45:28 am »
Sarah never lose hope. It is the one thing that will get you through the really tough times.  I try to focus on the half full glass even when the half empty one makes me sad and sometimes depressed.  My posts are my reflection of both.

The interesting thing about transitioning is that you get to start over again, including the name you want. I have always hated the name I was given at birth🙄.

Hugs,

Emma

  The heart has reasons that reason can not understand.

             My Transgender Manifesto

Offline Emma1017

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Re: Chapter 4: Becoming Emma
« Reply #286 on: September 24, 2020, 03:37:09 pm »
We all are trying to understand and explain being transgender. I just ran across an amazing story about a transgender set of identical twins:



Their story is such an echo of everyone’s experiences.  Definitely makes it hard to refute our existence.
« Last Edit: September 25, 2020, 07:54:35 am by Emma1017 »
  The heart has reasons that reason can not understand.

             My Transgender Manifesto

Offline Emma1017

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Re: Chapter 4: Becoming Emma
« Reply #287 on: September 25, 2020, 08:00:42 am »
A random thought:

I know there are so many stories so I want to be precise that this is my own here.  I had no clue that I was transgender until I started therapy 30 months ago.  Until that moment I absolutely believed that I was the man my wife married.  My gender was buried under incredibly deep layers of ignorance and testosterone.

My wife said at dinner last night:  "Does anyone really know someone."  Obviously alluding to my recent revelation that I was transgender.  I felt a pang of guilt.

Last last night I thought about what she said.  When I have heard those words it made me feel like I was guilty of being a liar and manipulator, when in fact I was absolutely innocent.  I have like many of us, used the "cancer" example that goes like this:

                  "I wish I had cancer (or It's just like cancer) so people would understand
                   that this is not my choice but a medical need
."

I combined the two thoughts:

                  “When I married and contracted a life-changing disease 45 years
                    later, am I guilty of deceit at the time of that wedding?”

My answer is simple, no.  I know that if I was aware of my condition and the solution, I would never had married and I would have transitioned then.
  The heart has reasons that reason can not understand.

             My Transgender Manifesto

Offline Jessica_Rose

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Re: Chapter 4: Becoming Emma
« Reply #288 on: September 25, 2020, 02:53:12 pm »
I came out to my parents about a month after I transitioned -- I had legally changed my name and was 'Jessica' full time. I told them there was no way they could have known about this when I was growing up, what little information there was back then was simply not readily available to them. Several times I was caught and punished severely for having women's clothes hidden in my room, but I'm not mad at my parents for the punishment, they had no way of knowing why I did what I did. In reality, information about being transgender was pretty sparse even just 20 years ago. We can't be held responsible for keeping a secret that we didn't understand ourselves until these last few years.

Transitioning later in life is much more difficult than people realize. We have decades of history, friendships, and emotional baggage we must deal with. Even though in many ways we do get a second chance at life, we don't exactly start off with a clean slate. I don't think any of us can be considered deceptive for who we were decades ago, when we didn't know who we were.

Love always -- Jessica Rose
Journal - Jessica's Rose Garden
National Coming Out Day video - Coming Out
GCS - GCS and BA with Dr. Ley on 21 Feb 2019
GCS II and FFS - GCS II and FFS with Dr. Ley on 26 July 2019
FFS II - FFS II with Dr. Ley on 13 Oct 2020
23Mar2017 Started Estradiol / 16Feb2018 Full Time! / 21Feb2019 GCS / 26July2019 GCS II & FFS

Don't let others tell you who you are. Be yourself, the world will adjust.

Offline Confused1

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Re: Chapter 4: Becoming Emma
« Reply #289 on: September 25, 2020, 03:29:54 pm »
Touché Jessica!

At a young age I knew I had thoughts no one else seemed to have and I didn't dare tell anyone. Seems like a great many of us thought we were the only one. I experienced something pretty traumatic at a very young age and mostly blamed it on that.

When I first heard the term transgender, it sure wasn't described like anything I experienced. I found the truth here.

Hugs,
Mike

Offline Emma1017

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Re: Chapter 4: Becoming Emma
« Reply #290 on: September 25, 2020, 03:51:17 pm »
Jessica and Mike it is amazingly cruel and painful the discovery process we had to go through to learn our truth.  My threads and so many others on this site document the anguish.

A lot of what I have written here I turned a series for Medium.  I connected the 28 later ones to the first one I wrote at the bottom of it and can be accessed in the hyper link below:

https://medium.com/@hallb1710/the-transgender-pain-29b6b8f304ab?source=emailShare-e1fba16216ae-1601059465

Please be aware they give you some free access but they will try to charge you.  Let me know which ones you want I will post them here.  Additionally almost all of them are scattered throughout my postings here.  Good luck the threads are painfully long.  Mike I think you are the only one who read them all.  You have my deepest apologies. :)

Hugs,

Emma


  The heart has reasons that reason can not understand.

             My Transgender Manifesto

Offline Sarah-Red

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Re: Chapter 4: Becoming Emma
« Reply #291 on: September 25, 2020, 04:05:53 pm »
I just thought I was a guy who wanted to be a girl. And I'm still unpacking what it means to me and for me really.

Offline EllenW

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Re: Chapter 4: Becoming Emma
« Reply #292 on: September 25, 2020, 06:58:04 pm »

 I know that if I was aware of my condition and the solution, I would never had married and I would have transitioned then.

Emma,

Thanks you for your thoughts on this. For me, the situation was different. Both of us thought if we got married my feelings about being a women would go away. We were very naive about how strong my gender dysphonia is

Ellen
Known all my life I was different
Started to live part time as my true self in 2010
HRT January 2018
Full time at work February 2018
Legal name and gender change January 2019
GCS - some time soon (I hope)

Offline Confused1

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Re: Chapter 4: Becoming Emma
« Reply #293 on: September 25, 2020, 11:05:27 pm »
Jessica and Mike it is amazingly cruel and painful the discovery process we had to go through to learn our truth.  My threads and so many others on this site document the anguish.

A lot of what I have written here I turned a series for Medium.  I connected the 28 later ones to the first one I wrote at the bottom of it and can be accessed in the hyper link below:

https://medium.com/@hallb1710/the-transgender-pain-29b6b8f304ab?source=emailShare-e1fba16216ae-1601059465

Please be aware they give you some free access but they will try to charge you.  Let me know which ones you want I will post them here.  Additionally almost all of them are scattered throughout my postings here.  Good luck the threads are painfully long.  Mike I think you are the only one who read them all.  You have my deepest apologies. :)

Hugs,

Emma

Hi Emma,

The discovery process was definitely cruel in the world we grew up in and still is for many. Definitely no need to apologize. I willingly subjected myself to the "torture" of reading them all. I have sometimes had thoughts similar to Kim about your journey, but I have learned much that has changed my life this year from you and several others, some of whom have visited your threads at one time or another.

As you know I am a strong Christian as well as transgender, and that I drug my Pastor kicking and screaming to a new understanding of what transgender means, along with an understanding of what churches have done to many of us. His preaching has changed substantially for the better.

I had some trouble with my wife for awhile, but for my daughters it was a non event. I am non binary and you know my "transition" will be different than yours, so it is easier for me to get accepted. I don't know if you have shared the video I sent you back in July with your wife, but it helped me greatly with a couple of members at my church. I don't think your worst fears will become reality, but I really believe the video could help.

Hugs,
Mike

Offline Emma1017

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Re: Chapter 4: Becoming Emma
« Reply #294 on: September 26, 2020, 02:41:35 am »
Mike thank you as always for your thoughts.  I will keep your video in mind.  I am glad that your world has improved and along the way, you have improved the world. 

Ellen the power of gender dysphoria constantly humbles me.

Sarah the variations of solutions for each of us is unique.  That makes it harder because we are forced to forge our own paths.  Stay strong.

Hugs,

Emma
  The heart has reasons that reason can not understand.

             My Transgender Manifesto

Offline Emma1017

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Re: Chapter 4: Becoming Emma
« Reply #295 on: September 26, 2020, 11:41:00 am »
This thread has been an interesting experience.  As I have tried to grapple with a new reality set against a lifetime of experience, everyone else is doing the same thing.  There has been an ongoing exploration of where on the gender spectrum we all are.  Each of trying to figure out where they fit.

As people were helping me find my place amidst unbelievable personal pain, I have consistently felt a very binary sense of self.  The range in the middle just didn't feel right to me.

All my life I have felt a sensation of something missing, of feeling incomplete.  As with everything that is part of your life long experience, at some point you almost forget that sensation is there.  The rest of life has a remarkable way of diverting your attention to other things like eating, breathing, family, school, work, love, marriage, children, mortgage, health, death and the occasional glass of wine or or cold beer. 

For 61 years, my life has been no different...and then it was.  I was "happily" cisgender and then I suddenly, wasn't.

That sensation of feeling incomplete was successfully numbed by life.  Suddenly, a painful awareness of deep emotional agony grew and never left me, ever.  My attempts to ignore failed.  My attempts to control it failed.  My attempts to deny it failed.  It continued to grow over time.

I asked myself over and over again, why won't it stop, what was I missing?

Three years later the simple answer is, the need to be me.  My solution is binary.  I  need to feel complete.

Thank you for being there,

Emma
  The heart has reasons that reason can not understand.

             My Transgender Manifesto

Offline Northern Star Girl

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Re: Chapter 4: Becoming Emma
« Reply #296 on: September 26, 2020, 11:56:55 am »
@Emma1017
Dear Emma:
Thank you for sharing and posting your heartfelt words regarding your transition "adventure" and your feelings regarding your writings here on your Blog/Journal thread.

Your followers (including myself)  are always eager to read what you have to say and we are always trying to be supportive with our comments and replies....

Wishing you well and wishing you success as you continue toward your goals in your transition journey...

Please keep sharing and posting!!!!


HUGS and more HUGS,
Danielle
***SEE MY LINKS BELOW
The Ramblings of a Northern*Star Girl
A New Chapter: ALASKAN DANIELLE's Chronicles
I am the HUNTED PREY: Danielle’s Chronicles
Things change re: ALASKAN DANIELLE
Positive Mindset... put away negativity

Started HRT:   March 2015
Went Full-Time    December 2016
Quit my male-mode job and relocated to a very small town in Alaska in January 2017
I'm a blonde, blue eyed woman, Age 40

Offline Emma1017

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Re: Chapter 4: Becoming Emma
« Reply #297 on: September 26, 2020, 01:11:10 pm »
Awww Danielle, simply, thank you.

Massive hug,

Emma
  The heart has reasons that reason can not understand.

             My Transgender Manifesto

Offline Sephirah

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Re: Chapter 4: Becoming Emma
« Reply #298 on: September 26, 2020, 02:51:55 pm »
My wife said at dinner last night:  "Does anyone really know someone."  Obviously alluding to my recent revelation that I was transgender.  I felt a pang of guilt.

Last last night I thought about what she said.  When I have heard those words it made me feel like I was guilty of being a liar and manipulator, when in fact I was absolutely innocent.  I have like many of us, used the "cancer" example that goes like this:

                  "I wish I had cancer (or It's just like cancer) so people would understand
                   that this is not my choice but a medical need
."

I combined the two thoughts:

                  “When I married and contracted a life-changing disease 45 years
                    later, am I guilty of deceit at the time of that wedding?”

My answer is simple, no.  I know that if I was aware of my condition and the solution, I would never had married and I would have transitioned then.

This is an interesting question and something that should be considered, without connotation.

I would venture that no, no one really knows anyone. Because no one really knows themselves. Our lives aren't fixed and immutable. Literally everything around us, including us, is... well it's essentially best guess on the information we have available. When that information changes, our understanding changes. This is life. It's fluid, for the most part.

So no... I don't think anyone really knows anyone, or anything. And that shouldn't be seen as a bad thing. Certainly not something to make one feel guilty or like they've done something wrong. I don't think anyone can know anyone. The depths of the human mind are as much a mystery now as they always have been. We have theories, estimations, hypotheses and observations. But sometimes all that gets thrown out the window when something happens which no one can predict. Like someone waking up one day being able to speak a different language with no idea how. People who experience smells as colours, and sounds as smells.

More to the point I'm not sure it's a great idea to try and think we do know everything about someone. Life is something you only learn the rules to after you stop playing the game. Before that... well... we're all taking the same crazy wonderful journey of self-discovery.

According to the Cambridge dictionary, the definition of Deceit is:

An act of keeping the truth hidden, especially to get an advantage.

If you believe something to be your truth, then you are hiding nothing. It's that simple. No one can be held accountable for the things they aren't aware of, simply because they aren't aware of them. So you have nothing to feel bad about whatsoever, Emma. And you shouldn't be emotionally guilt tripped into feeling that way because someone else wants you to.

*big hugs*

Offline Emma1017

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Re: Chapter 4: Becoming Emma
« Reply #299 on: September 26, 2020, 03:08:36 pm »
I agree Sephirah.  My conscience is absolutely clear.  I have just about purged myself of fear, guilt and shame.  I am really feeling good about myself. All that is left is the sadness of the change and for the pain it is causing.

Hugs,

Emma
  The heart has reasons that reason can not understand.

             My Transgender Manifesto

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